I still hate him

I just cant help it.

I have forgiven him but still can not forget it. I keep having these horrible thoughts about him and other men...bcs I know it was more than one.

Maybe it's not justs that he cheated. Maybe its not that he repeatedly lied about it right to my face. Maybe it's not that he planned to do it, which I really think he did. It's really that he went so far with it. He didnt just fool around with someone, he went all the way. Really, he let some other man do the most intimate thing possible. He wanted some other man to...and it is killing me.

I could never allow someone else to do anything sexual to me when I am with someone I love. Much less, plan to, and then go out and do it. I really think he planned to fool around while he was gone and didnt think I would suspect anything, much less find out about it. I think that's worst part about it for him, that he got caught. How could he possibly think so little of me to do something like that. How can I possibly forget about it and move on?

Now I am faced with doubts that it will happen again. Remember not too long ago I thought he was cheating? I am now wondering if I wasnt right about that too? Just bcs he denied it doesnt mean it didnt happen. I just couldnt find any proof that time.

I just cant get past the fact that he could have sex with me and then less than 24hrs later be having sex with some random stranger who lives across the country and that he will never see again. How could he risk our relationship for something that was so "meaningless?"
And the fact that he continued having sex with / or trying to have sex with other men right until the moment I got out? That one is hard to take too. He was out doing drugs and doing who knows what with who knows who. Yep, he was online looking for dick the very same day I was getting out...who knows, he was prolly looking for dick when I called him to come get me. Or, he could have even been on his way to fuck someone for all I know. I wonder if he was already with someone or arranging something for later if I didnt get out. I am sure he was...

How am I going to get past all this? I really thought I was doing a good job with it and then yesterday I started having all these thoughts and doubts all over again. It sucks. I hope I can get past all this soon bcs it's tearing me up. It's making me want to leave R for good. I cant stay with him if I cant get over all this. It's causing me to resent him...which is not good.


Still confused. Still scared and worried. Still trying to be hopefull but it's getting hard...
Justin

Getting back to normal ?

Things seem to be ok between R and I . We spent the entire weekend at home just us and did nothing but lay in bed and reconnect. It was pretty nice. I have pretty much forgiven him and now I only have a little part in the back of my mind that's still wondering...

I do love him and think being with him is my best chance to be happy. I just wish this whole ordeal had not happened. I am really deep down having a hard time accepting it. I have these thoughts of him with another man or see the words he typed out seeking sex from other men. I still dont believe that there was only one man over the entire ten days. I am thinking it was closer to 5 or so. That's about one per day while he was in San Fran...I just will never believe that with all the gay dudes there and as hard as he tried he was only able to make it happen just one time with one man. I will also never believe that he was unable to make something happen with someone after he came back home. I will always believe that he had someone over and had sex here, in what was supposedly our bedroom and our bed. There was too much evidence left for me to see. Which is another thing...it's like he wanted me to catch him. He told me a tiny bit to make me suspicious and didnt even bother to cover his tracks. He left all the emails on his comp., left all the calls and texts on his phone, left a receipt for the theater at the midtown bookstore, I mean really, if you are going to be scandalous you should be smart about it. And he wasnt.

I also hate the financial strain all this has caused. I think he spent a lot more on drugs than he is admitting too and now he is trying to recover. Maybe not though...again, I might never really know the truth. Which is hard for me to accept. I hate not knowing. I hate that he is willing to spend the rest of our lives together with secrets and lies hanging over us. I can deal with the cheating ( multiple times or not ) because I know about it. It's out in the open for us to deal with. It's all the things he is still lying about and keeping secret that is bugging me. How can he look me in the eye and respect our relationship while doing so? I know I couldnt do it. The guilt would weigh me down heavily. I would have to tell. Doesnt he know I dont care? Doesnt he realize I can forgive him anything now? Well, accept cheating again. I made it very clear that I will leave him if he does it again. After all we have dealt with recently, there is nothing he can TELL me that we can not work thru. It might not be pleasant but it would be better ( and healthier ) for our relationship if he would give me the truth, the whole truth, and the rest of his "story" so we can deal with it now and completely move on. Otherwise, it will always be there hanging over us and our happiness. I think we will be happy together but not completely. I dont think you can without honesty and trust. Right now, I dont think he has either...what is he hiding that could possibly be worse than what he's already done? He should have more faith in me...


gotta go, I am tired of "talking" about this shit
Justin the skeptical

Why does everything have to be so hard???

I have forgiven R and we are moving on but I am having some issues and difficulties forgetting.

Maybe it's bcs he keeps bringing it up. Maybe it's bcs I dont think I can trust him. Maybe it's bcs I still cant get the thought of him with other dudes out of my head. Maybe it's bcs I still have hatred for him...I cant help it. Maybe it's bcs he annoys the shit out of me. I just dont know...

I am still having doubts as to his loyalty. I just cant help but wonder if he will do it again. Part of me wants to believe that he wont but the other part thinks he will. It's bcs he still wont be completely honest with me about everything...or at least I dont think he is. I guess I just have to accept the fact that I will prolly never know. Oh, yesterday I looked thru his phone again. I found where he sent a text message to someone saying " I cant bf home." I dont know what the text he received said but that was R's response. It's like he would have done whatever, but didnt just bcs I was home. Not bcs he didnt want to, or bcs he shouldn't but just bcs I was home. Hmm...that one has really gotten under my skin. What if I am not always around to prevent him from doing something stupid. Will he ever be able be stroing enough to say no without me being right in front of him? Will I ever be able to set aside my suspicions and move forward without feeling this way? Will my hatred ever fade away completely? How, oh how can I really allow myself to open up and have the kind of relationship I deserve? I think it might be too late. I guess only time will tell for sure.

I promise there will be some more lighthearted posts coming in the future. I promise. Even if I have to break it off with R and leave town...I will once again be happy and let it show here on my blog.


Much Luv,
Justin the husband hater

I think I love my husband again

I know it sounds weird but I just cant help it.

Am I crazy? Should I have held out longer before letting things "be back to normal?" Hmm...

We had sex three times within 24hrs yesterday. It was the first time we had ever done anything like that. I am not sure why it happened...especially considering that I initiated it the last couple of times. Maybe I was trying to let him know how hot sexual I can be if needed. Perhaps so he wont go looking elsewhere for it again? I just dont know. And I am not trying to figure it all out right now. It's a little late for second guessing now...there's no turning back now.

Gotta jet for now. Thanks to all those still reading, I know things have been a lot different lately and hope future posts can be more lighthearted and fun. :)


Much Luv,
Justin

Made it thru the rain

I have picked up the pieces and decided to stay with R. That's right, I am giving him another chance. I dont really want to go into it too much right now...he's right beside me but will give more deets as to why later.

Also, I have changed to the title of the page. Now it's kind of a pun. You know, because my name is Justin...

Gotta jet for now but will do a more detailed and thorough post later.

much luv,
Justin

painful days

I am having even more difficulties.

I gave in tonight and had sex with R. I shouldnt have. Now I feel completely fucking gross. Dirty and gross. How could I have after everything? I dont know why I did it either. R was starting to kiss my back and stuff and I wanted to stop him but then I didnt. I hate myself for allowing myself to have sex with him. And so soon too. What the fuck was I thinking? Wow.

I was in such shock when I discovered all those emails asking dudes to come have sex with him in R's computer that I didnt really digest all of them right then. I was so shocked to actually find an email confirming my suspicions that I blocked all of the others out. There were several emails from dudes confirming that they were on their way or almost there but I didnt even bring those up. I wonder exactly how many guys he really did have sex with...I will prolly never really know the whole truth. I just wish he would completely come clean with me. It's not like anything more would make things worse. He will only admit to having sex with just the one guy bcs thats all the " proof " I showed him I found. That one was enough. The guy thanking R for the sex. Saying they should flip flop the next time. R responded " it's my turn to pound you next time.' That tells me that the guy had already "pounded" R. He even used that word tonight while we were doing it. So creepy...

Also, I cant stop thinking about an email that R sent someone after he was already back in Tulsa. It was a response to someone asking him what he was doing or wanted to do. The response? "sitting here wanting to be used." R was offering to let someone use him. He wanted someone to come over and use him. That fucking kills me that he wanted that. That we was trying very hard to make it happen. The best part? This was the night before he knew I was coming home. Oh, and the time with the guy from above, well it took place the day he left. He cheated on me as soon as he got there. We werent even apart for 24 hrs before he was getting fucked by some other man. And then were going to be back together in 24 hrs when he offered to let someone "use" him. That is so fucking gross I cant even stand it. It totally makes me sick to my stomach. Oh, and I havent eaten hardly anything in three days too. I am so jacked up that I cant eat or sleep. I hate him so much for making me feel this way. I just can not seem to understand how he could do it. At least not if he loves me. And definitely not if he really loves me the way he says he does. I just cant hardly believe this has happened.

And now, after going thru all this in the last couple days but not really been around each other that much we get to spend the next three days together bcs tomorrow is the day after Thanksgiving. All of a sudden I cant stand the thought of even being in the same room with him. It is so painful for me. How am I ever going to get past it? No, seriously, tell me how bcs I have no clue. I hope I didnt give R false hope by doing it. Even after he ripped my heart out thru my throat, I dont want to see him get hurt. I would never want to hurt him...he is so fragile. Why the hell do I even care? Why do I still love him? Especially when I know I shouldnt. I know it. I am being so stupid for thinking anything will change. Maybe it will, for a while but I feel it in my heart that eventually he will do it again. You know, once a cheater always a cheater. Also, I did some research online about cheaters. R displays an alarmingly high chance of cheating again. He classified as a "multiple cheater." He has all the characteristics. Like, he wouldnt admit what he did. To me or himself...which in his mind becomes that it didnt happen. Also, he didnt come to me to talk about it or try to work it out. I had to force him to talk to me. He gets mysterious phone calls a lot that he doesnt answer. There were more too but I cant remember bcs it's two am and I have been up for nearly a day without sleeping much. Again.

Something else has occurred to me. The day before he left, he had to make a sudden and suspicious early morning trip out to his parents' house. He got up all early and went out there. And didnt try to get me to go with him. I thought maybe he was borrowing money and was embarrassed or something. When I really think about it, I think he went into Tulsa to buy drugs to take on his trip. It makes sense because all evening Sat he talked non stop about drugs. Then he told me during out argument that he had bought drugs to take with him. Then said he didnt, that by saying that he purposely bought drugs to take makes him seem like he was planning to have a bunch of random sexual encounters. Which I think he did. I really think he planned to do everything he did. Another reason? In one of his emails to someone while he was in San Fran mentioned he was fucked up and wanting to get fucked. The only time R likes that is when he's on meth. And, if he really wasnt on it, and get fucked while sober, that is messed up too. He really did a number on me, didnt he? I cant believe he schemed so hard to deceive me. He got carried away and got to complicated, so there's no way he could have kept it a secret. And if he would have? Well, it's nice to think that I could have gone thru the rest of my life with someone he was being a deceptive lying cheater. Because that's exactly what he is.

I hate him so much right now.
Justin...pretty much single again.

It's Thanksgiving...

and I am miserable. I spent the day with my family but didnt really enjoy myself bcs of all that's going on. I cried all day long. It kinda freaked my family out but I simply couldnt help it.

I now officially know that R did cheat on me. I snooped thru his computer and found all the emails he exchanged with dudes trying to hook up with them. Nice, right? He was not even concerned enough to try to cover his tracks. It's like he wanted me to find out. He has completely ruined our entire relationship. I cant possible imagine how it will ever recover.

It's not enough that he cheated ( in the worst and most intimate, personal way...he got fucked by a complete stranger ) but then lied to my face for two days about it. I had the computer up and read the email to him before he would admit it.

How can I get past all the hatred I have for him now? How can I put all this behind me and move on without seeming like a pushover? I feel like if I stay with him and move on it will make me out to be a door mat. And practically give him license to do it again. And I truly believe if he has an opportunity, he will cheat again. How can I ever learn to trust him again?

What is it about me that makes this keep happening to me? Ever person I have ever loved or given my heart to has done this. It's a vicious and rough cycle that I feel I should break now. If I do leave him, I will be single for the rest of my life. After this, I will never be able to love again. I will never be able to open up and give my heart to someone ever again.

What should I do? How can I carry on?

Lost, alone, struggling, and heart broken
Justin

Really struggling

I am having such a hard time dealing with my hurt feelings toward R. I am so hurt and was blindsided so hard by his cheating that I just dont feel the same love towards him anymore.

I am really struggling with it. I do love him but dont think I will ever be able to trust him again.
I am still in shock over all of it. I just cant believe he did it. I have never been so heartbroken in my life. I am at such a low right now. I truly feel like my spirit has been broken.

R is not doing so well with it either. He just wants things to be like they used to. I am trying to get him to understand that it will take time. I just cant immediately go back into the "all happy and lovey dovey" that we were before this happened.

He is still denying it too. He said " I cant believe I almost lost the best thing that ever happened to me, over something that didnt even happen...or happen the way you think it did. " I was like excuse me? The evidence is too damning not to be accurate. Like I said before: I will never be convinced that he didnt cheat. So, now it is official: every single boyfriend I have ever had has cheated on me.

Life is great, isnt it?

Justin out...

Let's catch up

Get ready for a shocker.

I spent the last ten days in jail. I got stopped taking R to the airport early Sun morning Nov 11th. I had a warrant for an old ticket I never paid. Was taken to jail bcs my license was expired. Who knew?

Anyways, ten long very rough days in jail. The county jail. It wasnt completely bad as it could have been much, much worse.

The best part? When I get out I find out R has spent the last two days doing drugs and hooking up with other guys. He denies it but there is too much proof for me to believe him.

On the way home he tells me he has done drugs and has been online chatting with people but never did anything with anyone. Well after we get home he gets into the shower so I go thru his phone. I discover he has called several old tricks and has exchanged text messages with tricks too. Texts confirming he was going to hook up with people. One of the texts from a guy asked if they could hook up and fuck. R's answer was "you got it." He also went out to the bar one night too. I think he brought someone home with him or had someone come over. The comforter was pulled off the bed and there was lube out on the bed. The comforter has not been pulled off the bed since the first weekend I met him when we were doing drugs together and he had been having dudes over...dont want to ruin the comforter now. Also when sorting out the laundry I found a receipt for him going to the bookstore and going into the theater. There's only one reason guys go into that theater. It's dark and there's a huge screen playing porn. R says no one was there and that he didnt do anything. If he didnt do anything it's only bcs there really wasnt anyone there. But even if he didnt, he still tried really hard to do something and that is just as bad as actually doing something.

So, between talking and texting on the phone, the internet, the bar, and the theater in the book store he really expects me to believe he didnt do anything with anybody. While he was on meth. Yeah, right. I am not stupid. He says he tried all those things but never did find anybody to do anything with. But he sure tried real hard too. I will never believe that he didnt have sex with anyone else. Just the fact that he tried so hard hurts me just as much as if he would have followed thru...which I firmly believe he did.

So, here I am pretty much forced to stay with a lying drug addicted cheater. If I had anyplace to go, I would leave him immediately. But, I have no choice but to stay.

So, how bout that? Jail time, unfaithful husband...what a great time in my life this is.

Justin out

Date night

Last night R and I went to a TU basketball game. Then out to dinner. The whole evening was very nice.

The company he works for gets season tickets for Tulsa University basketball games so we decided to go last night. We sat next to some people he works with and they were very nice. We had dinner at Tally's, which is R's favorite restaurant. It's pretty good considering it's like a greasy spoon diner type place.

R and I are getting along great. He has loosened up some and is not so intense all the time now. He is no longer telling me he loves me every two seconds too. I really think we could settle into a great and long lasting relationship. I am just hoping to find a job soon that is not standing in our way.
Well, I wouldnt say standing in our way but it is starting to become an issue. I guess eight weeks is a long time without a job.

Anyway, gotta run for now.

Muc Luv,
Justin

Another Sunday morning family breakfast

I just finished up making and then eating breakfast with R and L. We had three berry pancakes.

Ok, I need to admit something. I am really starting to like my new step son L. He is witty, smart, and cute as a button. I could really get attached to him. R keeps telling me not to let him bond with me if I dont intend to stick around...how rude is that shit? He says I can hurt him but not his son.
I have no intention of hurting either one. I love R and I am beginning to love L too. I normally am not into kids that are not in my family but it's different with L, as he's my husband's son...which kinda makes him mine too. I am even starting to look forward to his visits here with us. Another admission...I have had fantasies about how our lives would be if L came to live with us. I really think I would love it if he did but doubt it will ever happen. It would be so nice though...we would be such a happy family as I would see to it that.

In other news...well, there is no other news right now.

Much Luv,
Justin the wonderful & fantastic step mom

Afternoon ramblings

I am hanging out here at home today. R went back into Okc with L for a football game. Kinda crazy if you ask me...to drive 2hrs there and 2hrs back for a game that only lasts one hr. I would do it for my son if needed so I dont even give it a second thought that R did it. I would think badly of him if he didnt.

Anyway... I have decided not be so hard on R. I have expected a lot from him lately. Damn near perfection. It's hard to achieve for anyone. He is scatter-brained and sometimes inconsiderate but I dont exactly communicate well either. I should be more forthcoming with what I am thinking or needing and not expecting him to guess at it. And then punish him severely if he gets it wrong...or just doesnt get it at all.


Relationships are so fucking hard. I have not had a really serious one in so long that I had forgotten. I suppose it's worth it if the one you are with is actually The One. But, how do you know for sure if they are? No, really I need to know. I feel like I am at the part of my relationship with R that it's too late to turn back. But, I still have doubts. I simply cant help it. I do love him but we have had so many issues lately that it's starting to seem more trouble than it's worth. Wait, that was unfair. I wouldnt want R to feel that way, so it's really unfair of me to think it and very unfair of me to publish it too. He doesnt read this anymore, as it's my diary and all. What's the point of having a "spill your heart out kind-of blog" if you are just going to let your husband read it?

Ok, I feel like I have rambled on enough for now. I just cant help it. This blog, for me, is like my outlet. I type whats happening in my life, my feelings, and secrets so: when I sit down to type I start thinking about what all has happened since my last post and that's what you get. Sometimes, it's all about R, sometimes it's good news, and sometimes it's just a bitching rant. :)


MUCH LUV
Justin

Waiting around...

I am sitting here waiting for my husband ( yes, it's still R ) to bring me some breakfast. He and L went to get donuts but that was like and hr and a half ago. Hmm. R is so inconsiderate sometimes. Unless you are right in front of him, he wont give you a second thought. I mean, come on, it's almost noon and I have not eaten anything today yet. Why? Because there's not a damn thing in the house to eat. He has been too busy to shop for food the last couple days. Is there anything less important to him than taking care of me? I guess not...

R worked it last night so L would fall asleep on the couch so I could sleep with him ( mostly bcs he wanted sex. ) This morning L woke up before we did and came into R's room. R almost immediately kicked me out of the bed and out of the room. Seriously, he said to L "come get in bed with me, and Justin can go lay on the couch." Excuse me? I am the one still trying to sleep, why do I have to be the one to get out of bed? And then he nudged me out of the bed with his hips. Sometimes I want to slap him...

Oh, I wonder how he's going to react when I tell him I am going to spend the week with M is Ar while he is gone to San Francisco. Hmm. I am going to stay with M bcs I dont want to be trapped out here in the middle of no where for five days. No car or food in the house...no thanks.

At this point I dont really know for sure if R and I will make it. I would like to think we will but I really need to be with someone who isnt so damn scatter-brained. I mean more considerate. Also, me being cast aside so quickly and completely every other weekend ( while L, the son is here ) is a bit hard to take too. I expected it a little but damn, it's like I dont even exist. The son is nicer and more considerate to me than R.

I just dont know...there are so many issues and obstacles in our way.
Justin the confused about his relationship

Update

This week has been quite interesting to say the least...

After my big blowout with R on Tuesday we decided to blow off some steam by going out on Wednesday...which was also Halloween. We went to about three different gay bars here in good old Tulsa, Ok and had ourselves a pretty decent time. I actually drank a couple more beers than I intended to. Calm down, I only had six total. Binge drinking is acceptable if you only do it a few times per year, like I do :)

Anyway, we ran into one of my former boyfriends, Joseph. It was nice to see him but I felt nothing. No desire to take him back. I only need to have my heart ripped out by someone once to learn my lesson. After seeing Joseph at one bar we went to another, Renegades. I spent a lot of time there after I first moved here back have spent very little time there in the last three or four years. A nice time was had by both of us. We watched a little of the show and chatted with some of my old friends.

Then on Thursday we had another rough patch. I wont go into the specifics of our personal life here ( it was partially my fault that's why I wont give details. ) It was so bad that we didnt have time to work things out and make up before he had to go to work on Friday morning that he had to come home during lunch!!! Not good, right?
We did make up and I have faith things will work out just fine...


In other news, my step son is here for the weekend again. It seems like only yesterday he was here. It is amazing how quickly time passes...getting off topic so let me re-group & re-focus.
He is only here every two weeks. Oh, he has a football game in Okc ( where he lives with his mom ) tomorrow and then goes home on Sunday afternoon. So, he wont actually be here at the house very much at all this time. Didnt get here until almost 10pm tonight, gone for the majority of the day tomorrow and then leaving for home Sunday afternoon. I actually dont dislike the kid like I do most kids. Well, ok, I only dislike kids I dont know. Like strangers kids. They make me uncomfortable. Once I get to know them it's ok. I am kind-of little, by little, getting to know "L." That's my step son's name L. Husband's name is R and his son's name is L...just a little reminder for y'all there.

Anyway, it's midnight and L is finally winding down so I better go for now.

Much Luv y'all.
Oh, remember me asking you guys to pray for me and my husband? This time I need everyones support for me finding a job. I desperately need one and am starting to lose faith. I have applied to at least ten places here and have had no luck. None. Anywhere.

Justin ( still coupled up ) juglover

Things worked out?

I think I have worked things out with R. I really dont think he has cheated on me. Well, ok, I am still a little skeptical about it all but have decided to give him the benefit of the doubt. It's really the least I can do. He had an issue with me and extended me the same courtesy, even though the evidence against me was just as damning as the evidence against him cheating was.

I just hope things work out for us...


Alright y'all...join hands in prayer for R and me. It's kinda looking like we can use all the help we can get.


much luv,
the suspicious but still married jug lover

Hold onto your seats...

I think R is cheating on me. Not good, right?

I dont know for sure and have no proof but when I have this feeling it's never wrong.

I have a couple reasons why I feel this way. Here goes...

1. I woke in the middle of the night about a week ago and found him online on a gay hook up site. He swore he wasnt doing anything wrong and wasnt trying to hook up with anyone. I had my doubts bcs when we first got together he told me he has no reason to onto those sites other than to pick up dudes. He said that if he wanted to talk to anyone ( friends ) from one of those sites that he could just call them.

2. After that ( like within the next couple of days ) he kept getting a lot of phone calls that he didnt answer. And also didnt mention who was calling. Oh, he is still getting calls from "unknown" callers that he doesnt answer.

3. He calls me earlier today to tell me that he received a voice message from an old trick asking him if he wanted some dick or some ass. Why in the hell would he tell me something like that? Unless: he intended to hook up with the dude and was absolving his guilt by telling me about the call. Or, he wanted to make me jealous. Well, all it did was make me even more suspicious that he was up to something.

The weirdest part is that his lunch hour is almost up and he has yet to call me...which he always does, everyday, without exception. Wonder what he is doing...or who.


Also, he let is slip yesterday that he has talked to his ex recently. Does he think I am so dumb that I wouldnt pick up on something like that? Does he think I dont pay attention to what he says? ???

The most damning evidence is that he is constantly worried about me cheating. Dont cheaters usually suspect others when they are doing something wrong? He is non stop accusing me of doing stuff. Well, not so much in the last couple weeks. But, that's only bcs I am always here, out in the middle of no where, all alone.

I just dont know what to do or what to think. I really like this guy and want things to work out but it's not looking good. Am I too suspicious? I am too insecure and should be more confident? What the fuck y'all...???
The worst part is that I cant really talk to him about it. Or, at least I dont feel like I can...


I am so lost and confused. I just dont know what to do. I am very dependent on him right now bcs I live in his house. And dont have a job right now either.

What should I do?

Confused, Suspicious, Lost, Alone, Suffering
Justin

Nothing exciting to report

My weekend with R went pretty good. We went to OKC on Saturday to my step son's football game. We left here about 2pm and get home around 11pm...we made a whole day of it even though the game only lasted about an hour. R showed me where he used to work and also where he used to live. It was a nice day outing.

Then we just hung out at home on Sunday...nothing exciting. Excitement is not really needed though.

Today he came home from work at noon. He has an eye infection and seems to be getting a cold. I babied him and gave him some antibiotics and stuff. I also went today and turned in some more applications. Hopefully I will get a job soon. It has to be real soon...I am dying here without making any money. Pray me y'all. Surely someone will have something to offer me soon.

Like I said before, I have nothing exciting to report. Just ordinary day-to-day living here. Although, it is nice to share my day-to-days with...


much love,
Justin the jug lover supreme

another week...

has gone by. I still have not heard anything back about any job applications I turned in. I am starting to get a little nervous about it too. I hope I hear something about one of them soon. R and I will be going to turn in and collect some more apps this weekend.

Things are going ok between R and I. It's starting to seem like we have a couple of good days and then one or two weird days. Nothing serious enough to cause problems for us though. I think our biggest problem is that he wants so much of my attention. I mean constantly. Or, maybe it's just me being too guarded. Who knows? I do think we will be together for a while but it's still a little soon to forecast just how long we might make it. Forever? Six months? Who knows...?
Today is our six week anniversary by the way.

This week has gone by so fast. The days just fly by. It barely seems like it's been four hrs since R left for work and he's calling to say he's on his way home! I can recall everything I have done during the day but it seems like the hours escape me, like they pass by without me even noticing. More weirdness I guess...

There has been some interesting events that occurred this week but I just dont feel like sharing them right now but stay posted, y'all.


Much Luv,
Justin

Sunday morning family breakfast

I just finished up an all American family breakfast. With my husband and stepson. That's right, I said stepson. I of course, cooked the breakfast. I made bacon, eggs, biscuits & gravy and my husband made hash browns. It was really quite nice. R did make some comment about us being the all American family ( I would be the mom. ) :) So, there we were mom, dad, and son sitting in our house in the suburbs eating Sunday morning breakfast. How picturesque can we get???

I could really get used to being a step mom. I wouldnt do it for just any kid, you know. R's son is really smart, witty, and very likable. As a matter of fact, I do like him.

I think things are going to work out just fine for us...


Much Luv
Justin the jug-a-licous step mom

things are looking up

After the two dreary posts I did earlier today, I thought a more positive and up-beat post was in order.

My interview went well. Hopefully I will begin working soon. If not there, then somewhere.

Things are going ok between R and myself. I spent a couple hrs with my family and during that time I think both of us calmed down. I was so pissed and hurt and uncomfortable before I left but not really sure what his problem was. I didnt really ask. I was too mad to care. It's kinda rude of me to act like that but whenever I got like that I cant force myself to be nice. Oh well, it's past us now so I wont be giving it another thought.

It was so nice to see my family. Mom, Sister, Grams, my Niece and myself all hung out for a couple of hours this afternoon after my interview. So great to be with all of them again. I wanted to spend some time with them today to give R and his son some time alone without me being around...and it all worked out perfectly. I am pleased that things worked out even better that what I had hoped for. I am so happy about it too.

R was just in here talking to me as I was typing. He was talking about how insecure he is. He said " I cant go around feeling this insecure all the time." What??? I didnt really get it at first. Why would he say such a thing like that to me? I cant help that he is insecure. I have done nothing to make him feel like that. He is constantly worried that I am going to leave him. Constantly. I mean, talks about it daily. Why is he so worried? Why is he so paranoid about it? I just dont get it... All I know is that I like a strong, confident, and secure man.


JUSTIN

Thank God for this blog

I have no one to talk to about my problems. I would go crazy if I didnt have this page to pour my heart out to. It has been so helpful for me to log on and type away anytime something is bothering me...so much cheaper than therapy too.

I literally feel like I have no one to turn to when I need someone. Here's why...

Mom - is only available on occasion. Plus, she is very hard to talk to anyway. She used to be the type to go around telling everyone she knew everything she knew. I dont think she still does that, now there's just no room for me in her life. She always has something more important going on.

Sister - has a full plate. No room for me in her life either.

Grams - is too old to handle the stress from her own life much less listen to my problems.

M - is so far away and doesnt seem to ever understand anything. He either makes jokes or just wants me to run away somewhere with him each time I try to talk to him. Besides that, I have a hard time trusting him with important stuff. He likes to share too much information with other people ( like Mom used to. )

R - it's hard for me to talk to him. If it's about him, he takes whatever I say and takes it to the extreme. Like if I were to say, I dont feel like having sex, he takes that as I never want to have sex again. He either goes to one extreme or the other when I try to talk to him. Also, I am still really guarded with him. I have a hard time opening up until I really get to know someone. Besides that, he likes to bring things up later after they have been resolved. I cant risk telling him something only for it to be brought up and thrown in my face later.

There you have it...I have never felt so alone as I have in the last four or five months. I hate it.

Justin

Irritated...

and not really sure why.

The son is here. I am sure my mood is not bcs he's here. I dont mind him and certainly dont mind his being here, as I am not so dumb as to fight a losing battle. I think I am irritated bcs R is acting weirdly. After they got home last night he was hinting around at having sex ( he even went as far as asking me if we could on the phone before they got here. ) Like I am going to have sex with the son in the house! We did sleep in the same bed, which was kinda weird too.

I think I might have made a huge mistake here. I dont know if I am able to have a relationship with someone who has kids...not only has kids but one that is here every other weekend. I just dont think I can spend any amount of time being cast aside every other weekend. I know R is the kid's dad and they should spend time with each other but cant help the way I feel. It's stupid and irrational but I just cant help it. I do love R and want to be with him but at this moment, I just dont know if it will work or not. R expects everything to be the same between us but at the same time not obvious when the son is here. Like: he still wants to same interaction between us but only when the kid is not right in front of us...it's tough to explain.

I feel like shit even being here right now. Like I am intruding. They got up, showered, and left. I was not even asked to go. I would not have gone but would still like to have been invited. They are also going to be gone ( without me ) all day long tomorrow too.
Perhaps once I am working and not just sitting here it wont bother me so much.
I do have an interview this afternoon and really hope I get the job. Really hope, really bad...I need the job so much. Not just for the money but also to get me out of the house.


I know as I type this is ridiculous for me to feel like this but that still doesnt change it.
Bottom line? I think I am jealous of the son. Not jealous as in I dont want him here. Not jealous of R spending time with him, with or without me being present. I think my problem is I know the son is always going to be a priority over me.
I have never been "number one" with anyone.
Ever.
Is it too much to ask to want to be top priority, number one, the top of the list with my husband? I feel like maybe it is and maybe it isnt.


I am so mixed up right now. Am I being stupid feeling this way?
R is so jealous of anything/everything and know here I am acting the same way. How do I get past it? How do I deal with it if I cant get past it? What the fuck...

The only thing I am getting out of all this is...that I really do love and want to be with R. I would not be having these types of feelings if I didnt.

Gotta go, me and my petty jealous self have a pity party for one to attend. ;)

so much to talk about!

Ok, here we go...

Yesterday morning when I woke up I could hardly move. My whole left side was hurting all thru my chest and down my left arm. Use of my left arm was limited and painful and my heart ached, it felt like someone was squeezing it. Five hrs in the emergency room told me that I have Pleurisy. It's a swelling and irritation in the lining of chest cavity and lungs. It's totally painful. I am feeling better today and do have meds to take so I will get better...just one of those weird medical deals and will pass soon.

My mom had to come pick me up and take me to the ER. She was pretty nice and considerate about the whole deal, once she got here. I dont think she realized how serious it was until she had to help me put on my socks and shoes.


R's nine year old son will be her tonight. And for the whole weekend. I have tried all week long to get R to talk to me about what we are going to tell the kid about me and all my things being here. R has resisted and put it off so we still have not reached a decision. It sucks for me bcs he will be here in a matter of hrs. Not only did we not decide what to tell him, I found out this morning that while he is here I have to sleep on the couch. The kid sleeps with R even though he has his own fully furnished room, with a bed and everything. Me, thinking I could just sleep in the kid's room, was quickly informed that the kid might freak out if I am sleeping in his room. So, not only have I been kicked out of my own bedroom...I have been kicked out of his too. I dont want to sound bitchy here but this shit sucks. I dont think it's fair to ask me to sleep on the couch, while and empty bed goes unused and the kid is asleep in my bed. If he can sleep in mine, I should be able to sleep in his. But then again, the kid thinks he is sleeping in his dad's bed...he doesnt know it's my bed too. I really dont want any of us to feel uncomfortable but sometime soon R is going to have to come clean with the kid about our relationship bcs I cant spend the rest of my life sleeping on the couch every other weekend. I feel almost like an inconvenience to R by being here. It's got to be tough for him; R wants me here, loves the time when his son is here, and wants us here at the same time but doesnt know how to go about it. Or rather explain to his nine year old that I am his boyfriend and we are living her together.
I really hate this situation. I feel so awkward and out of place...



Gotta go for now...I will post updates during the weekend as things play out.
Justin

Day by Day...

Things are going nicely between R and myself. No major issues. The sex thing is dying down a little. He is starting to take the hint when I dont respond to his sexual advances. Instead of trying to "talk" me into for a half hour, he tries for just a minute or two, then goes to sleep.

I am hoping to hear back on one of the job applications I turned in. Hope to hear something good and hear it soon.

I have not talked to Mom since her brief visit the other day. But, I did talk to my sister for almost a half hour today on the phone. It was a nice chat except she is kinda pushy and a touch like my Mom...weird I never thought she would end up being like our Mom.

Other than that not much to report at this time. I will be having a talk tonight with R about the son coming to visit this weekend. It will be his first since I have moved in. We are going to talk about all the small details of our "story." He is nine so the truth should prolly be best kept secret just a couple more years. I hope it all turns out ok. The hard part is the kid stays in R's bedroom with him all weekend. So, not only will I have to sleep in another room during his visit but he will be in there to see all my stuff in his dad's bedroom and closet...there's bound to be some questions. I hope it all goes ok and turns out ok in the end for all of us. It prolly wont be easy for any of us at first but get easier with time. Golly, I hope everything goes ok...

Well, y'all gotta jet for now but will be back soon for an update. The first part of the week I write about how things went down during the son's weekend visit. :)


Justin

Rant cont....

My bitching from the last post was cut short, so now I am going to finish it up.

To catch you up: R is a sex maniac. Always coming after me wanting some. It can be very frustrating. He is actually driving me crazy...and not in a good way. I dont understand why or how, he can constantly want sex like that. I am worried it could be become a major issue.

Will it? Will we make it? OR, will the sex thing be the end of us and our relationship?


Who knows...

Jug-a-licious

The search begins

I am going today to turn in the applications I filled out. I really hope I get hired somewhere quickly. I can not wait to be earning money again.

My Mom and Mark stopped by R's house yesterday. It was kinda weird. I expected her to visit sometime soon but never dreamed she would bring Mark with her. Needless to say, they didnt stay very long...they were only here to drop off some things Mom bought for me. She is a good Mom like that, almost always there for me. It was a nice visit, even for as short as it was. I did appreciate her buying stuff for me and then bringing it over too.

My weekend with R went pretty good. We spent the day cleaning yesterday and just hanging out around the house. Things are going quite well with us. Our only major problem is sex. He wants it from me constantly. If he is not trying to have sex, he is talking about having sex. I just dont need/want sex that much anymore. I think three or four times per week is more than enough. I have agreed to every other day but that doesnt seem to satisfy him...and it's a bit much for me. We had sex Friday and Saturday nights both and he still hounded me about it all day Sunday. It started to get on my nerves a little. It seems like every time we, oh shit we is on his way home!!!!!!!!!

weekend togetherness...

Spent the weekend hanging with R. Didnt really do too much...except move in with him!

I wanted to go by and check on my stuff Sat morning and R was irritated, he didnt want to go. Once we were there he said "just bring it all bcs I dont want to do this again."
With an invitation like that how could I resist? :) Seriously, I thought it was a pretty good idea. Now I just have to find a job. Filled out several apps already and going to do a couple more online.
We also went out to his parents' house yesterday. We spent a couple hrs there and it really wasnt that bad. Then we went by his brother's house. Only spent a little while there so it wasnt too bad either. Not anything particularly exciting, just a low-key weekend.

I have still been talking to M, my friend from Ar. He is still just the same as ever and our friendship is as strong as ever...some things will never change.

Gotta jet for now...making dinner.

Justin

A whole month

Today is my one month anniversary with R. I cant believe we made it a whole month. Wait a minute, yes I can. This is to be the first month of many, many years spent together. Know why? Bcs we love each other and are determined to make it work. Well, not so much determined bcs that makes it sound like work but we both want it so much...each other that is. ;)


The only thing standing in our way is my unemployment. I am afraid it is becoming an issue. I want to go back to work, just the circumstances so far have prevented me from doing so. This week, we have been a tad broke so there has not been any opportunity for me to use his car to go look for a job, as we have been conserving gas in the car. I will be going online to fill out some apps this weekend though. Why not this week? Not sure...call it laziness, call it unmotivated, call it whatever you want. All I know is, I will have a job before the month ends so I can keep my man.

We are going to spend the weekend together just hanging out. He has said we are going to have a fuckfest or fuck-a-thon in honor of our anniversary. I think it's kinda cute that he wants me so much and so often. I just hope his lust for me lasts and lasts and lasts. If not, I am afraid he might look elsewhere. We are also going to clean his house. Like, deep clean. Call it Fall Cleaning, you know, as in spring cleaning except in the fall. :)

Next weekend his Son will be here. Where will I be? Not sure about that one yet...

In other news; Mother and I have been fighting this week. Well, not fighting about anything in particular, just not getting along. Mostly bcs she is a raging bitch sometimes. It seems like everything else is more important to her than me. That sounds childish but I cant help the way I feel. Perhaps if this hadnt been going on my whole life I might feel differently. I just cant believe how hurtful she can be. I also cant help but feel a little jealous bcs she and my sister are so close these days...but only bcs my sis has the kids ( being a huge fag, I dont have any. ) I know mother kisses are ass and tries to stay on her good side bcs if not, sis will prevent her from seeing the kids...dont know that for sure but I think that's how mom looks it at. Childish again, right? No wonder I am so distrustful...

Back to R...he really is good to my y'all. If only I had met him sooner, perhaps my life wouldnt have spiraled down to where it is. Perhaps...

Gotta jet everybody.
Much luv

???

Get ready for a rant y'all bcs here it comes...

My bf is the moodiest man I have ever met. I have known from the beginning but it seems like things are getting worse. I am kind-of wondering he is doing it to get a reaction from me. Prolly not, I know he has a lot going on right now but the bad/weary moods seem to come out of no where. Like today, after he got home we went for a bike ride and everything seemed ok. When we got back he was all moody. And sad. Usually I have no prob dealing with it but today it really seems to be getting to me. I just cant let his moods influence mine. One of us has to stay sane...why shouldnt it be me?

I just cant help but wonder why I always get a fixer upper boyfriends. Each time I meet someone they are in a low point in their lives. I hate it. Cant I just for once be with someone who is ok with himself and his life? I know, poor me, right? I have met someone and fallen in love and I am complaining. Whoa is me...

On to other topics. Talked to Mom today. She basically told me I would not be welcome at our family Thanksgiving this year. The same goes for Christmas. I guess after what I have done this year it is to be expected. It just really hurts. Badly. Worse than anything I have felt in a long time. I hate it more than anything. When making mistakes the last thing you think about is the residual effects it will have on your life for months to come. At least I didnt and now I am paying the price. Let me say once more "ouch."

Gotta jet, this post was meant to get some shit out of my system but instead it's making me depressed.

Much Luv ;)

Romantic night

Last night when R got home from work I could tell it was going to be a nice evening...

First we went to visit my mom. It went nicely, she was pretty nice and sane for the most part too. We didnt stay too long, just long enough for a nice chat.

When we got back home, I cooked dinner while he mowed the yard ( domestic, right? )
We ate dinner together and then got into the whirlpool tub together. With candles burning and the bubbles going, it was very nice. We talked a little and then things started to heat up so we quickly exited the tub. :)

Once we got into bed the magic started to happen quickly. I was a bit hesitant to let things go too far bcs I was feeling a little gassy. Luckily, that passed and we proceeded to have the most amazing sex ever. Of course, he talked about it afterwards and then again this morning bcs it was just so hot. I am glad the sex between us is good, and hope it stays that way.

On the agenda tonight? A bike ride. I know, I know. Doesnt sound very romantic but I am hoping it will use up his energy so he doesnt come after me in the bed again tonight...a boy like me needs a night to recover :)


much love,
Justin

It's all so real...

At least it has really started to feel real. I am talking about my relationship with Rodney.

We have officially decided to move forward. I had my reservations/hesitations but have realized when love is staring you in the face it's best not to turn away.

I will now be looking for a job here in the Owasso area. That way I can go ahead and move in with my Man. I still just cant believe this is happening. Not really sure why, it just seems so weird. Like life-changing weird. In a good way though...

We just spent the entire weekend apart bcs the son was here, ( not sure what the situation will be the next he visits.) Anyway, I spent the weekend at home but we did speak on the phone several times. At least a dozen or more :) I did miss him and could not wait until Sunday evening when I could be with him again. I could tell he felt the same way, and well, he simply told me so. I think the time apart did us some good. It gave us a chance to be away from each other and see how we felt. I thought about him a lot and know for sure that I want to be with him. I can already see our lives together.

I talked to Mom a couple of times too. Things are going nicely between us even though she is pretty stressed right now. I will most likely be seeing her sometime this week. She has already met R and she seems to like him. I am glad for that. Of course they only met briefly but if she had anything to say about him she would have done so...

Even though I have met R and things are going great and for the first time in months I feel content, I still feel strange. Not sure why or what the feeling is, I just cant shake it. Perhaps I am scared about having to face the world again. Nope I dont think that's it. Perhaps, I am scared about really stating a life w R. Nope, dont think that's it either...well maybe it's part of it. Perhaps, it's that now I have something to lose and I know how much losing something sucks. Especially when you lose everything you have all at the same time. Talk about life-shattering!!!
I have realized I am rambling on...

I guess I will sign off for now until I have something better to write about. Things could get very interesting, as there's a lot that will be happening with me...so I would keep reading if I were you.

Much love

What the fuck...

is the matter with me? I am so moody lately. For real y'all, all over the place. Which is not really like me. Dont get me wrong, I have my ups and downs like anyone else but the last couple weeks the slightest thing has set me off. The worst part? I know it's irrational but cant help how I feel.

Moving on...I am spending my last night with Rodney tonight, well the last night for the next three days anyway. It will be the first time I have slept at home in almost two weeks. Tomorrow is also our third week anniversary. Three weeks, it seems like we have known each other so much longer than that...it's weird.

Gotta go everybody...spending time with my Man.

Justin

Currently cooking dinner for my husband ( or soon to be husband )

As I sit here typing dinner is cooking. I have spent another day with Rodney ( actually another week...in two days it will be three weeks we have been together. )

I still love him, in case any of you were wondering. Everything is still going nicely. I think I can speak for both us on that one. I see the love in his eyes, and let me tell you, it's a great thing. I hope he sees it in my eyes too...

Yesterday was my b-day. That's right, I am now 31. I wont say much except it was one of the worst b-days ever. A lot happened and most of it was bad. That's all I can bring myself to say about it. Perhaps, after some time has passed I will give more details.

Things seem to be going ok between mother and I. I saw her briefly today and she was pretty nice.
Also, grams has moved back down here and is living with my sister...which is only about ten minutes away from Rodney's house. That makes me feel so much better...you know, just knowing she is close by. I know that makes me sad like a co-dependent baby but I cant help it.


Back to Rodney...I really think he could be the one. And not just bcs the sex is so hot. And I do mean hot, scorchingly so. Scorchingly. He is such a nice and attentive boyfriend, which I am not used to. I could get used to it though...very easily. We will be spending the weekend apart this weekend. His nine year old will be with him. I dont want the kid to resent me always being around during his "daddy and me time" so I think it will be best if I stay at home. It will be the most time we have spent apart since we met. It's almost as if we said "hello" and then "I do" at the same time. When it's right, it's right and this time it feels too right to be wrong. I just feel it. I really hope we live happily ever after and not just so I wont seem so foolish after gushing about him so much on here. :-)
Anyways...things are going nicely for me. All I need now is a new job. Wish me luck y'all, I am a homo in Oklahoma looking for a job, not exactly easily obtained. :-) Seriously, not easy at all.
There are many companies who dont even want to consider a homo. Even though it's 2007, Ok is still in the Bible belt and many are still close-minded towards my kind. But then there are many companies who would love a big fag like me, the trick is finding one. Like I said above, wish me luck.

Much love to all those out there wishing me love too...even though I have already found it. :)

Justin, he who loves jugs and his boyfriend ( soon to be husband. )

Another week spent with Rodney :)

My week this week has been very interesting to say the least...

I have been with Rodney all week. Literally, spent every night here for the last ten days. Actually spent every night here in the last 16 days except one. I have gotten to know him very well. So far, so good. I am being very reasonable about what to expect...you know, like not expecting some romance novel or fairy tale romance. I want something real. And real is what I am getting.

Today is Rodney's b-day. He is currently at lunch with his family. Yes, that's right, I didnt go. I felt it was a bit too soon. Also, I didnt want to have to answer any personal questions about myself either...at least not right now. In time I will be more than willing to do family things with him...just not today. I think he understood and hope he wasnt too hurt by me not going. It really had more to do with me and my issues.

Anyways...things have gone quite well for us this week, for the most part. There have been a couple of uncomfortable moments but nothing we couldnt work past, just normal things that normal couples go thru. I really think he and I can make it work. My main concern is that I am not working, or doing anything with myself right now. I really need to turn that around. But I am wondering "How?" "Where?" there are some obsticles there...
Like, should I try to get a job near Rodney's house or where I have been living in Tulsa? That is a really tough one there. There are reason's why I should do both. Oh well...I guess that is a choice I will make a different day.


I saw my grams a couple days ago. It was a nice visit...not great but still good. It was a bit strained or at least I felt like it was...

I feel like things are still incredibly strained between Mom and I and also between my sister and I...really am kinda worried about that stuff too...so much going on right now and feel like I dont really have anyone to talk to about it. I have really always been like that. Like I should keep things to myself. Not sure why, I guess I am more guarded than I thought. Who knew?

Ok, y'all. The winds of change have blown. Now it's decision time. Continue reading to learn which way things go...
Will I end up getting a job in Owasso where Rodney lives and live happily ever after?
Will I end up gettting a job in Tulsa and keep staying at Kirk's?
What will happen? How will things turn out for me????

Justin, he who loves jugs :-)

Monday, Monday

Today was an up and down kind-of day...very much like a roller coaster.

Things are going ok now, as I am with Rodney. I brought along several changes of clothes bcs he told me he wants me to stay with him, for a few days anyway. He also told me last night that he wants me to be with him always, to never leave. How sweet is that? I just love him so much, already.

Still talking to Mackie too. We have spoken several times since our conversation on Sunday, which was the first time we talked to each other in four months. Of course he is expecting things to be as if no time has past...still expecting to be number one and my top priority. News for him, he is not. I just can not put him first anymore. I just cant do it. And wont do it. Moving on...

I get to see my grandma this week!!! I am so excited about that. I have missed her so much. These past couple months is the first time we have gone any length of time without seeing each other in 15 years. I feel like a part of me is missing. Oh well, at least I get to see her sooner than what I thought I would. Wish me luck y'all bcs it will most likely be very emotional.


Much love,
Justin in love

Still in love...

I love being in love :)

A bit sappy, I know but I just cant help it. It has been so many years since I have been in love. And this time my love is returned. It's just so freakin' great. I am sitting here looking at my love and cant help but think how great he is. So cute and such a great dad too. You know how much I love kids and you dont get a much better idea of how someone is than to see them with kids...especially if the kids happen to be their own. For real, Rod is a great dad and after seeing him with his son I love him even more. He did the sweetest thing this morning...he woke me up to tell me he loves me. : )

On to other news: I spoke with M today for the first time since leaving Ar in May. That's right, we had another episode of not talking for months at a time. This makes the third time in the last couple of years we have done this. He started to text me a couple weeks ago. At first I didnt respond but I decided that it was time we patched things up. Of course, things will prolly never be the same between us...I can forgive but I will never forget. Our conversation was pretty nice, we didnt really talk about anything too serious. Just light, general conversation. I did learn that he has been talking to my Mom and Sister, which kinda pissed me off. I mean really, he goes behind someone's back and does something like that. I can understand how he was curious about me and wanted to know what was going on with me during the last four months but still, to call my Mom & Sister? Not cool with me...I overlooked it though. He does seem to be doing well. And at least our conversation wasnt strained or awkward. I am pretty sure our friendship will pick up where it left off and hopefully this time we can keep things going without further incident. I hope...

Back to Rodney...
I just cant help but think about him. He is the best thing to happen to me in so long...he's everything I have waited/wished for. Ok, ok I will cut out the sappy shit now. Promise.

My birthday is next week. Yep, another b-day. This year is 31. I cant believe another year has passed me by. Literally, passed me by. I did nothing worthwhile this past year. It was quite the opposite. I seem to have regressed but all that is changing now. I am so determined to turn shit around, you have no idea. I just hope I can make it happen the way I see it in my mind. I am thinking it will be difficult but most things are, that's just life.

I tried to get Mother to come see me today. Unfortunately, she was too busy doing yard work. Flattering, right? "I would rather be mowing than have lunch with you." That's how I took it...childish, I know but my feelings were hurt. It seems every time I try, she has something else better to do. I am to the point now where I no longer want to try...dont you love how I can change to whole mood of a post with just one sentence? Sorry 'bout that shizz.

On to more light hearted junk. My bestest girl friend left me her new phone number in my hotmail and I am planning to talk to her later tonight. I hope I have time, bcs I will be with Rod. And with his Rod too : )

So to wrap up...still in love, back talking to M, Mom's to busy for me, and still in love : )


Much love,
Justin, he loves the jugs

Another post!!!

Even thought I just did a post, I felt compelled to do another...

My last post was all about my new love and this one will be about me.

Life is going along pretty slow. Havent worked since May. I have been hiding from life, and reality. It has taken me since then to feel like I could face the world again, you know after my little break down...which was pretty devastating. There, I said it: breakdown. I did have one. A serious one. One that cost me my job, house, car, family, and my life. I am now going to start over and try to rebuild what I once had. It will be tough but it must be done. I know deep down I have the courage to do so, it's taken me until now to realize that. I feel like I have wasted enough time feeling sorry for myself and hiding from the world. I have been staying with a friend and have barely left his house since the first week of July. But now, with meeting Rodney, I know it's time to get back out into the world and become a part of it again.

I feel like I have said to much already and must go...

Justin...the new Justin who still loves the jugs :)

Rodney

Hold onto your seats y'all...I am about to drop a bombshell.

I have a new boyfriend...that's right, I have a boyfriend. A serious one too.

His name is Rodney. I have known him for a little over a week now and have spent every night with him in that week. We quickly became inseparable. He is forty-two, with brown hair and blue eyes ( not as pretty blue as mine, but blue none the less. ) He is so nice, and is exactly the kind of guy I have been waiting to find. He is pretty much perfect for me. We have the same astrological sign so we have a lot of similarities. But are just different enough to keep things interesting...

The sex is outstanding...I am talking scorchingly hot. He freakin rocks my world but I wont carry on anymore about that. Except to say that he is the first man I have come across in over a year and a half that I am willing to do some of the things we have done.

The best part? I love him. Yes, I said it, I love him. Even better than that, he loves me. I see it in his eyes. We have moved pretty fast, but when it's right, it's right. We clicked so well I kinda scared me at first. I have never met someone I clicked with like this. Nor have I ever met someone who could make me fall for him the way I have fallen for him. As I type this I am sitting here in his living room with his nine year old son, and not at all uncomfortable. It's not weird or awkward in any way. Oh, I also met his parents today too. Can you believe it?!?!

I hate to get ahead of myself here...but I am predicting that we will be together for a long time. At least I sure hope so. I just cant believe I have fallen in love with a decent man for a change. I feel so good about going into a relationship this time...no trepidation or anything. Like I said before, it just feels right. He told me today that he was ready to walk me down the aisle. And you know what? I am ready for that too. You guys know I am not the marrying kind but all that has changed. I am just in shock... the good kind. He treats me so good. Like I deserve to be treated. Finally, a boyfriend who treats me as good as I treat them. Finally!!!

All those bad experiences were worth it to get to this one.

For now, I am in love and going with it...everyone join hands and pray that things work out for me and Rodney...although I dont think we need but it never hurts.

Much love to everyone out there.

Justin, the in love juglover

weekend adventures

What started out as a boring and just-like-any-other weekend sure turned out to be a ton of fun.

I actually met someone...I know me, who would have thought? I pretty much spent the entire weekend with him and didnt once get annoyed. Good news, right?


Stay tuned for more details...

back again, briefly

Hey everybody! Hope all my chums in the blogosphere are doing well.

Me? Not too bad, although I cant really go into any great details at this time. Just know that I am still around and dying bcs I am not able to post as frequently as I would like. I know, I know, it's hell for you guys too. :)

Anyways, I promise soon, very soon I will do a lengthy post to fill all my faithful readers in on the details of my life today. Promise!

I am still alive!!!

Hey y'all...sorry for the long absence. So many things have changed since I last posted. Way too many to mention in one post...but here's a few.

No longer in Ar with M, back in Tulsa.
Not currently working anywhere but still surviving.
My grams has moved out of our house and is moving back to Kansas...that's another long story.

Anyway, sorry to cut this one so short and leave you hanging on so many juicy details but I will be back very soon.

Much love to y'all...and I promise I wont stay away for so long next time.

Just Justin the Juglover :)

Things are looking up...

So, after a couple of rough days, I have just had a couple of good days. :)

Today, Friday, I worked about five hrs at the guys house. It was raining here, actually it was thunder storms, and Tim said he didnt want to move anything today...so I spent five hrs cleaning their filthy ass house.

I started with the dishes, as usual, and then did everything from four load of laundry, swept, swiffered, and mopped about 2500 sq ft of their house, leaned a ton of windows ( that are 7ft tall by 2ft wide ) and the list goes on and on. It really wasnt that bad. They stayed in their bedroom and I worked at my own pace. I accomplished a lot and wasnt stressed out once...love it. Of course, the day was not without incidents though...Jack spilled a cup of coffee all over the place in the dining room. The coffee got all over the upholstry on one of the chairs ( very expensive upholstry, I might add ) and Tim kept bitching forever about it. After that died down, the day wasnt so bad at all.

We are spending the night at Aunt Cindy's tonight after spending the night at our apt in Conway last night. Everyone's gone to a family reunion except Ninny, Mackie, his dad n step mom, and Lita ( Cindy n Rhonda's sister ) came down to help M and I keep up with Ninny...bcs she cant walk on her own. Most of the time she is in her wheel chair. She is quite the spit fire for being 71 and having terminal brain cancer. So far she has threatened to wip me if I didnt stop being so quiet, and then this morning so told me to get my prissy ass in the house!!! She's hilarious. :)

Anyway...we are back here for the weekend and looking forward to next week. I hope it's more smooth sailing than this past one...which was as up and down as a roller coaster.


Alright y'all, I am going to go for now but I will be back for a weekend post tomorrow or Sunday.

Much love,
Justin

Another day in Hell, oops I mean Arkansas

Alright y'all, I am going to refrain from doing another bitchy, whiney post...but just know that I have had the kind of day for it.

My day started off super rough with an argument with M. I will not go into details bcs I already promised I wouldnt. It was horrible and that's all I will say about it.

My day with the guys was equally shitty. Well, it was more weird sprinkled with some shit. Thank God Randy, another gay who works for them showed up kinda late in the afternoon. Tim started to focus more on him. Not in the same way as me, they have adult conversations about things like politics and such...boring as hell if you ask me. I just kind of sit there during these conversations. Jack was another story today. He was all about talking to me and acting strange. He kept saying he wanted to see my butt and suck my dick...he did neither. I did have a full day with them. I cleaned their kitchen ( hand washed dishes, swept & mopped, and a full room wipe down ) did four loads of laundry ( including drying and folding ) moved four loads of stuff with Tim to the theatre, and then cleaned their room for them. In their bedroom I filled a 30 gallon trash bag full of old newspapers that they had thrown on the floor after reading them. They are such pigs. I have never met anyone who lives like they do...rich or poor. They are rich by the way, if I hadnt already mentioned that before. Quite a lot of activities for six hrs, right?


Sorry guys, but I have to go again...to be continued later.

Much love,
Justin the lover of jugs. :)

Emotional wreck

Alright guys, I am about to let it all out...

I am so fucking upset lately. Trying ( somewhat successfully ) to hide it.

I absolutely hate it in Ar. Mackie and I are just barely getting along. Most of the time the last couple days there has been this weird tension. We are both on edge bcs we are so broke. We didnt get to work three days in a row last week and are trying to catch up. He borrowed money yesterday from the old men ( but started that new job today ) so now I am working my ass off to pay it back. Basically I feel like I am making his car payment while mine goes unpaid. It is not a good feeling. So, it will be the first of next week before I will get paid. I have 19hrs left before we will be paid up. Until then, we are basically fucked. We have no money, no nothing. Fucking sucks. We will be packing up to move back into the camper tomorrow, to stay at Aunt Cindy's...thank God we do have the camper to stay in, it's just in Cindy's yard. We have to stay there bcs we have to money for food. Yeah, things are that good for us right now...

Ok, back to the tension between M and I. I feel so unappreciated and lost. He expects so much from me, and then acts all pissed when I dont do something. He is so controlling too. He decides every move we make. Where we will eat. He holds the money. The money that he borrowed he gave me $15 out of it for gas to get to work today, and a pack of cigarettes. He is now saying we have no money left...I do think the money thing is most of our problem. He is so touchy, a loose cannon. I feel like I have to try to stay on his good side bcs if I dont, there will be hell to pay. For instance, the other day he went to get some food and I didnt want to go. Shannon, a friend of his was going with him so I figured he wouldnt be that mad if I didnt go. Wrong again. He must have been really pissed bcs he waited a good thirty minutes before he brought my food home. It was Chik Fil A too. Under temperature chicken is always a good idea for dinner, right? That's just one example of how he will punish me if I dont do one little thing he wants. Oh, and he told his roommate, who told Shannon and Gary, and his Aunts about my little episode in the pysch ward too after he told me he wouldnt tell anyone. There is so much more but I dont want to seem too whinny. Not that I havent already...

Overall, I just want to go home. I hate it here. The constant not knowing is killing me. Not knowing where I am going to sleep that night, not knowing if we will have money for necessities, the not knowing if M is up to something behind my back, not knowing what the hell is going on bcs he doesnt share anything...I have to ask a million questions.

Sorry for the bitchy post y'all. I have no one to talk to and had to get this out. I have so many emotions stirring around in me that I am not sleeping, eating half of what I usually do, my skin looks horrible, I could go on and on all night...but I will stop here.


Thanks for "listening" everybody.
Much love,
Justin

Hey guys..

Hey y'all. Still here in Ar, not much has changed there.

A few other things have changed though.

First of all: Mackie has gotten a job. A traveling salesman job. He only travels around here in Ar so it's not like he will ever be gone overnight. He also gets a co car and gas card. I hope he likes it...and that he stays at it.

Next, since Mackie is now working, I have to go to work for the old guys alone. I was pretty nervous about it, but everything worked out alright. Tim kinda flirted some while we were moving stuff and then at lunch but I didnt play along. He asked me this afternoon what my thoughts on him cheating on Jack were...I told him it wasnt for me to say. Jack was kinda moody today, he asked me to say something sweet to him. ??? I asked him if he was having a rough day, and he said no, that he just wanted me to be sweet to him. I have been so far, so I am not sure why he would say such a thing. It was a tad weird. I just kinda grabbed what I was after and left the room. Then Tim asks me after lunch if I will help him change the sheets on their bed. I said yes, but had no intention of doing it. I was not putting myself in that position...alone with them in their bedroom. Hell no, that's the only room in the house that I don't have to clean and I dont want them to start expecting me to. We'll see how it works out...


Gotta jet again,
Justin

Chillin' on a Sunday in the middle of no where

Hey guys...coming at you again from aunt Cindy's in Gum Log, Ar.

It's Sunday and M and I have been busy today too. We went this am to finish up some errands and such after breakfast...and have been out here since we finished. Oh well, at least most everybody that was here went home this am. Aunt Rhonda should be back today too...she's been in Search, Ar visiting here bf. She should be back this afternoon and then Aunt Lisa will be going home, everyone takes turns helping Aunt Cindy out with Ninny ( who is M's grandma that now has terminal brain cancer. ) Very sad situation...she is such a lively woman. She ( and the rest of the family ) have made me feel so comfortable. I will always appreciate their hospitality. It's not every family that allows their gay nephew or grandson bring over their gay friend to stay for days at a time. Seriously guys, we have spent almost as many nights here than we have at our apt in Conway since I arrived.
This will be the last month we pay rent though...we are moving into Uncle Bub's camper for a month. It is a nice one, just needs a little cleaning and some fairy dust. It has everything we could possibly need: air conditioning, shower & toilet, refridgerator, the whole nine yards...it's only going to be for a month or maybe two. I really dont even mind so much, we are going to spend a couple weeks camping out at the lake. Hopefully the summer will be a good one...


I need to get a few things off my chest, as I am pretty much without anyone to talk to...
I miss my family so much I can hardly stand it. Grams and Kiah, my Mom and Sister, everyone. It's tough going from seeing all of them daily to now have not seen any of them in weeks...and it will be another month or so before I see them again. I just have to hold it together until my homesickness subsides. Of course being around M's family so much kinda makes things easier though...many of them I have known for over ten yrs so it's not like I just met them.
Also, I am worried about my back situation. I have some rx's right now that are helping but what will I do when I run out of them? I cant function with that much pain. Not for work or otherwise. I have been racking my brain trying to think of something, anything I can do to ease the pain. For real, it's pretty out of control again. The littlest things make it throb. M ( whose leg was crushed and now has a metal rod in there ) is not exactly sympathetic either. It's ok when he's is hurting, but I am expected to grit my teeth and drudge on...

And, I have this weird feeling that there's something M is not telling me...
Not sure what in the hell it could be, but I just feel like something's up...


Stay tuned guys.

Much love to everyone,
Juggy

Still at aunt Cindy's...

Here I am still out here in the sticks...with about 30 of Mackie's family members. No, it's not a re-union, just a weekend cookout. Since M's grandma is so sick and almost died of cancer, their family gets together more frequently now. I know my family would do the same.

We didnt get to work again today. Jack called late last night and said Tim was "broke down" and that they would see us on Monday. Ugh! We really needed to work today...oh well, next week we will just have to make sure we work every single minute we can. I am starting to wonder how much longer they guys will be willing to shell out that much cash every day. M and I get paid ten bucks an hr cash and get paid every day. We usually leave there with between $120 & $140. We cant get there until about 10am bcs that's when Tim get up, and he's always ready to wrap things up about 4pm. But, for the six or seven hrs we get paid for, we only are doing actual work about half the time...Tim likes to take lots of breaks or
"rests" as he calls them. We also get our lunch bought for us and get paid for our lunch break too. It's really not a bad deal at all...of course I am leaving out some of the nastier details bcs my mom reads this :)

Overall, life in Ar is not so bad. M and I have our little spats daily but nothing serious...so far. We are so much alike and so different at the same time. I just hope we can continue to be nice to each other and get along so we can make the most out of living together. He has such a temper though...and the slightest thing can set him off. Then it takes forever for him to cool off too. I try and stay as calm and mellow as possible that way we dont fight as much...wish us luck.

Gotta jet for now.
Justin the juglover

Here I am...

Hey guys, again I am sorry for the absence. Mackie and I have been crazy busy again...he does live a fast paced life, and now I do too.

We have only gotten to work about three days this week. We did call in a day, we were just too tired to go in. Not very responsible but hey, we deserved a break for a day...or at least we thought so at the time. Then we didnt get to work today, the old fags went to Little Rock. They take their dry cleaning all the way to LR! That's just how fuckin' dumb they are. Anyway, now we are kinda broke and hoping for the best.

Lot's of other things have happened too...so many weird things happen to me all the time but I cant always get to a computer and by the time I do, I have forgotten them :) We are always out and about running around somewhere and see hot guys everywhere! Arkansas sure can grow some hot motherfuckers down here. I met the boyfriend of one of M's friends and he is just about the hottest man I have ever seen...in real life. Damn was he smoking. Remeber my posts about Jordan? The hot 24 yr old? The guy I met today is much, much hotter than Jordan and I considered him almost a ten. Ok, ok I am starting to lose focus...


Well, I am sitting at aunt Cindy's right now typing this post, and M is shouting at me to come and do something with him so I gots to go ( he punishes me in weird ways if I dont do something with/for him.) Like the other day, I didnt go with him to get some food ( oh, and he didnt go alone, a friend of his Shannon, went with him ) and he waited for like 45 mins to bring me my food...it was stone cold. So nice of him...but I do still love him to pieces, he is now and prolly always will be my bestest friend. Ever.

Hugs * Kisses,
Juggy

It's been a weird one...

Hey guys, sorry for the absence. Mackie and I have been staying at aunt Cindy's house with his grandma and sister Tracy. Aunt Cindy was on vacay and Tracy was there to sit with Ninny and wanted Mackie and I to come stay with her. So we did. Aunt Cindys house is out in Gum Log, Ar and there is no internet access out there, or at least no signal I could get on this lap top.
They stay wasnt really that bad except for Ninny's dog constantly attacking everyone, the son of a bitch bit me! I hated to have to go outside bcs the motherfucker would not leave me alone. Mackie and his family just stood around and laughed about it. Over all, it wasnt as bad as I thought it was going to be...but then again, it was just the four of us. Mackie's dad ans step mom live in a trailer right next to Aunt Cindy's trailer but we only saw them from time to time, not that much. I was glad to come home though. It has been a long week and we have just been lazy today.

We also worked all week too. Tuesday we went in and the place was a disaster! We spent two hrs cleaning the kitchen. Then more moving and other junk. The tension between Tim and I was starting to get a little hotter but he was still being stand-offish. Then Wed it started heating up a little...he started to touch me a lot. Plus that morning he went around with just a tee shirt. No bottoms on at all. He would prolly have been nude if he didnt have a belly. He started to talk to me more too...it was just a matter of time. He said something about washing the cars. I told him I would bring some shorts and do it the next day...I had a plan that would not fail.

Thursday we show up and clean the kitchen and Tim was antsi to get outside to do the cars but he had to go into town to get some soap and wax and tire cleaner. When he got back I changed into a tiny pair of gym shorts witout a shirt or underwear ( Mackie just wore what he had been wearing all day, and refused to change. ) Jack and Tim neither one could keep their eyes off me. By the time we were finished with the cars Tim was so wound up he was about to pop any second...and he asked me to take a shower with him. I said no and went inside to change. He, of course followed me and told me not change too fast. And then said he had yet had a chance to touch me. That time had arrived and let me tell you, he loved every minute of it. Jack yelled out to us so we didnt really have time to do a whole lot, which was perfect bcs he just got a little taste and is eager for more. We talked a little outside afterwards and he was very blunt about saying he wants to start an affair with me...the plan worked y'all! I am now going to continue to tease him without any follow thru until he gives me some money. My new plan is to tell him if he gives me money to get an apt then he can come over anytime...bcs that is our biggest problem, no place to go. I will convince him that renting me an apt ( or at least funding for me to rent one ) is a good idea. If he doesnt give me any then I wont give him any either.

Hmm, wonder how this is going to work out...

Later on,
Justin

meh...

Today was another day...Sunday May 20th ( or I think it's the 20th. )

We woke up today and got ready bcs aunt Rhonda was on her way to p\ick us up. We were headed to aunt Cindy's for the second Sunday in a row. Fun times...actually it wasnt that bad. Mackie's aunts are nice and funny, thank goodness bcs Mackie sure didnt go out of his way to make me feel comfortable. There wasnt that many people there this time so it wasnt bad at all...considering we were there for 5hrs. Mackie and I went out back for "smoke" breaks and that made the day much easier too. :)

Tomorrow I am hoping we will get to work with the old couple...we havent been there in days so I can only imagine how disgusting the house is. We will definitely be spending a couple or more hours cleaning the kitchen alone. ..fine with me, making ten bucks an hr for washing semi dirty dishes is nothing. It's pretty low key, the kitchen is kinda small so only me and Mackie are in there while we are cleaning. Well, they come in and out at different times to get coffee and stuff but do not stay long. They like to come and cruise us while we are in there...you can just feel them looking at you...kinda creepy. Oh well, it is ten bucks an hr so I can deal with a couple of old pervs checking me out...that's all they get without additional fees. :)


Things are going pretty good all facts considered...they could be going a little better between Mackie and I but nothing too bad so far. Just a couple of little spats that were not resolved within minutes. Stay tuned though bcs he is so controling and manipulative that I am sure there will be fireworks eventually.

Much love,
Juggy

another day in Ar...

Today was full of mixed emotions. We were awakened this morning by a phone call from our boss, well one of them, the younger one called to tell us not to come to work today. Kinda sucked bcs we were counting on that money. Ugh! The day was pretty lazy for us after that...didnt really do much except hang out and watch some tv. Pretty uneventfull, which was fine with me.

As promised I am going to give you guys the low down on this couple I have been working for...

Jack is the older one, and is about 74 or something. He is nice but very blunt. He wants sexual favors from me and is not shy about saying so. Nothing has happened...

Tim is the younger one and is about 58 or close to it. He is pretty nice and is also pretty dang forward. Yesterday after we were finished for the day I was outside waiting for Mackie to come so we could leave. Instead it was Tim and he had brought me a glass of wine. He asked me to come sit down and talk to him...down by the hot tub. He turned it on and removed the cover. He told me for the fourth time that day how sexy he thinks I am...whatever man. I sat a little over ten feet away from him and we chatted for a while. I got tired of waiting and wondering how I was going to tell him that if he wanted anything sexual to happen I would need payment up front...that's a tough one to bust out with. Usually old, gross men know they have to pay so they mention it right away. Not this one though, and I didnt want to take offend him either. Like I said, it's a touchy subject to bring up...so I didnt. I told him I was going to find Mackie and tell him I was hungry and ready to go. Tim looked disappointed and like he was going to say something but didnt and I went up the cement stairs and into the house....more on the house later too, it's fucking gorgeous. It's like a mini mansioin, by mini I mean 3500 sq feet. Details on the house and the condition of the house later...you will be shocked.


Gotta go for now, much love to y'all.

Justin Juglover

another rough one

I stayed home yesterday while Mackie went to work. He is doing some house cleaning and just general bullshit for this older gay couple. He told me before I came down here I would be able to go and work with him. He just needed a day to talk to them about it. Fine, I had a nice day just hanging out and doing a bunch of nothing. Well, I did load and unload the dishwasher and a few other things like that...no big thing. This morning I went to work with Mackie and man, was it a trip. This couple are a gay couple that have been together for 30 yrs or something close to it. One is 59 & the other is 73, and they are completely fucking loaded. They live in this mansion style home that they have just pitted out so much its sad. It's a gorgeous ass home that they have run down with allowing the dogs to live in the house. The guys are pigs too. We arrived this am to clean the kitchen. It was pretty gross. It took Mackie and I both almost two hours to clean it. Not bad though...they are paying us $10 an hour cash to do whatever they need. The rest of the day had us loading and unloading all these books. We had two suv backends completely loaded down with all these heavy ass books. They own a 12 screen movie theatre that they are moving a bunch of stuff to, well you get it, we are being paid to help them move. Not bad but it was one hell of a long walk unloading books at the theatre. And up two flights of stairs. That did kinda suck. We made $200 by the end of the day and they bought us lunch too.

Super tired for now, and needing to eat dinner so I will leave my very detailed descriptions of the guys for tomorrow. Believe me, you will want to read all about them....they are a trip.


Until next time...
Justin

latest excitement part 3

Ok, so I just checked out of the motel and now am wondering what to do. I was woke up this am by a phone call from Mackie...I pretty much told him I would be moving there to Ar with him today. I called mom and told her what I was planning to do and asked her to tell grams I would be stopping by to load more stuff into my car since I was pretty much moving permanently. After a pretty rough morning I made it to grams' house and finished loading up the car, at least this time it wasnt raining. I said my goodbyes and shed a few tears with mom and grams but hardly got a glance from my aunt...oh well, she will get over it soon enough. I cant help but wonder how it will work out her and grams living alone without me, who has always been the barrier/common ground between them. I called my boss and told him I was planning to move and hated absolutely hated to quit my job over the phone. I am really going to miss that place and all the people and acceptance I had at that job. Odyssey was one of the best jobs I had ever had...and I hated to walk away from it, especially under those circumstances. Oh well on that one too, I would have always been stuck in the same position under the same boss with the same pay forever.

So, it took me forever to drive to Ar today. Traffic was heavy most of the way. I met Mackie in Russelville and then followed him home a stretch down the highway to Conway, Ar my new home. So far it's gone ok, but overall not bad at all. I dont hate it here, it just doesnt seem like home. Maybe in time it will, but things are weird now. Mackie has told a couple of his friends about what I have been thru ( his version at that ) and he and his roommate are not really speaking either...more awkard than that? Not much... Mackie has also been sick lately too.

So, here we both are...with no jobs. Him sick and me with my back pain back at full force. You remember the kind I used to have. Well, it's back now that I have nothing to take for it, and it's driving me fucking crazy. Who wouldnt go insane with constant blinding pain? I hope for the day when I dont have to tolerate the pain anymore....

Well kids, now that I am living with Mackie in Arkansas, looking for a new job, and basically starting a new life, things will be interesting all the time. Look forward to reading about my fucked up life and not feeling so bad about yours afterward....


Much love to everyone,
Justin

Recent excitement continued...

So I have just been discharged from the pysch ward and in the car with mom and my sister leaving the hospital I learn that I am no longer allowed to live in my house with my granmother. My first thought was "what the fuck am I going to do now?" I called my job and convinced them to give me my paycheck a day earlier. My family had canceled my atm card as punishment but it was actually an advantage bcs without my card my pay acct was useless. At the bank they told me without my card I could not get any money until a new card arrived. No way that was going to work bcs I had no money, no place to go, and no gas in my car either. So, I called and told the acct lady ( who is one of the owner's wives and loves me a whole lot too ) and told her everything that had happened to me so far. She was symphatetic at once and told me to call her right back. When I did she told me she was cutting me a check right then. The only catch was that I had to go by there. It was quite a scene. Not really that bad but still bad enough. I cried in front of a couple of people and they hugged me. Some of them I am really going to miss...more on that later. I go to cash the check and after driving around in the pouring down rain. I needed a hot minute to gather my thoughts after getting discharged and then packing up a bunch of stuff into the car and the whole money thing which thank goodness worked out, I decide to rent a hotel room bcs the only person I could have stayed with was working until 9pm and was about 2pm at this time. I hated to waste money but had not many other options. I got some food, the food in the hospital I was in was gross and I pigged out. Then I slept a while after eating and watching some tv. I now had to decide was I going to stay in Tulsa and stay with someone ( but who? ) or move to Arkansas and stay with Mackie...who doesnt really have a job right now either? Hmm, these are some big decisions and I am sitting all alone in a kinda gross cheap motel room. What the fuck? How did things end up so bad for me so fast?

Damn....what should I do?
Find out in the next post Y'all...and stay tuned bcs I promise this is just the tip of what's about to start happening to me. It will be worth the read.

Daily.

Justin...the new one.

Excitment, anyone?

My posts lately have been kinda boring...well that stops today. In the last week, I have been in the hospital, quit my job, and moved to Arkansa. Bizarre, I know.

Here's the low down...

The harsh combination of all my pain pills kinda jacked me up. The ER Dr that I saw at the time of my overdose told me that the chemicals in the pills I was taking added up were like taking heroin. I know...me on heroine. Not pretty. With all the chemicals I had mixed up in my system last Monday May 6th 2007 caused me to have a bit of a nervous break down. I freaked out thinking I was hearing stuff and went a little crazy. I ended up taking all the pills I had and then slashed my wrists. Just wait, it gets better from here...I was taken to the ER about 16 hrs after I had done all this by my mom, my aunt, and my sister who were all completely pissed. So, they pumped my stomach, and then transfered me to the crazy hospital. That's right, I mental institution. It was just my luck that on this particular night there were no beds available in any of the 6 local hospitals' pysch wards. So, I was transfered about 45 miles north to the hospital in my home town. That I had not lived in for 15 yrs and was returning to the pysch ward. They tied me down and drugged me up for a day while I slept and then it was time to join in group and individual therapy sessions. The groups were really interesting. I wont really go into each individual person's personalities but let me just say that they were each beyond fucked up. I didnt belong there with them. I realize what I did was plain old stupid and wrong but I am not crazy. So, after a couple or so days the Shrink discharged me...but not before my mom tried to convince me and the shrink that I should stay. I got out...because the Dr felt it was best for me and my siuation.

That, I will have to get inyo later.


Until then guys,

Juggy