Well, as I already knew...L does not want me to go on vacation with him and R. I pretty much knew it already but it still hurts no less. The best part is that R has turned it all around and trying to make me the bad guy. He tells me I am selfish and that me being upset and causing turmoil that I have ruined the trip. I ruined the trip I was told I could not go on...hmm, is it me or is this fucked up? We fought about this last night and I have basically came to the conclusion ( from R's comments ) that he just does not care about me at all. I am always going to be third best or lower for him...and I just cant make myself believe that its ok anymore. We have been unhappy and fighting for a long time now...or the whole time we have been together...but lately it has started to get worse. I am pretty much in shock that it is coming to this though...
I just dont think this is a positive environment for me anymore. I am actually starting to believe the things he is saying about me. He has said so many things I dont know where to start...and they are so hurtful that typing them out would be humiliating for me anyway...
I have absolultey no idea what I am going to do. Where I will go or what will become of me. How will my life change and can I handle all this again...? I guess I will hope for the best and just see how it all turns out... The only thing I do know is that I will be leaving R, I will be moving someplace else...but those are the only definites. Everything else, all other details are up in the air and will just have to be figured out as I go...
much luv and sorry about the rant again...
Justin, changing
Saturday, July 26, 2008
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
Hmm
R told me last weekend that he is taking his ten year old on a vacation. He followed this up with the fact that they would like me to go but he needs me to pay for my own tickets...to Worlds of Fun and Oceans of Fun. I would only have a couple weeks and one payday before time to leave. I told him I would most likely not be able to save enough money before then so I would not be going. Well, now he wants me to go and says he can pay for my tickets...I wonder what will really happen. Will I go? Will I stay home? Hmm...
Things are going pretty good lately. R is definitely keeping something from me...I can feel it. I dont think he is doing anything wrong or anything like that...but there is something. He has hinted several times that his ex-wife and oldest son are driving him crazy lately...I think they want money or something from him and he is stressed trying to figure out how to appease everyone at the same time...but that is just a theory. I hope he can work things out soon so they dont negatively effect our relationship. We still bicker and stuff ( like everyone else ) but for the most part things have been alright lately... he says things that hurt my feelings almost daily...but I am overly sensitive too...and I am sure I do the same thing to him without intending to...
I am still watching my sisters kids. Most of the time I just have K, who is my five year old niece. She is pretty easy for the most part but can get annoying if not entertained. I make sure we go for a bike ride everyday and make something like jello or muffins or something too...and we sit and color together for a couple hours every afternoon so she is usually satifisied with that. D, who is my ten year old nephew spends most of the summer at my dad's so I only have him every couple weeks or so. When he is here it is a completely different ballgame. It is constant activity and noise when they are both here...but not more than any other kids would make. They mind me most of the time ( when I get really stern ) so I dont usually have too many problems. The worst part is that when D is here, K usually ends up gettting hurt in one of their little scuffles...or she ends up crashing on the bike or something...it is not uncommon for their to be some crying and slight bleeding on a daily basis with her as she is fearless...especially when trying to keep up with her big brother. I have enjoyed having them here and getting to spend so much time with them this summer... pretty much the best summer job ever.
Thats pretty much it, folks. Not much more news and definitely not any excitement. Not that I want any either...
Will I go on vacay with R and L? I guess we will have to wait and see...
Justin, enjoying summer while it's here
Things are going pretty good lately. R is definitely keeping something from me...I can feel it. I dont think he is doing anything wrong or anything like that...but there is something. He has hinted several times that his ex-wife and oldest son are driving him crazy lately...I think they want money or something from him and he is stressed trying to figure out how to appease everyone at the same time...but that is just a theory. I hope he can work things out soon so they dont negatively effect our relationship. We still bicker and stuff ( like everyone else ) but for the most part things have been alright lately... he says things that hurt my feelings almost daily...but I am overly sensitive too...and I am sure I do the same thing to him without intending to...
I am still watching my sisters kids. Most of the time I just have K, who is my five year old niece. She is pretty easy for the most part but can get annoying if not entertained. I make sure we go for a bike ride everyday and make something like jello or muffins or something too...and we sit and color together for a couple hours every afternoon so she is usually satifisied with that. D, who is my ten year old nephew spends most of the summer at my dad's so I only have him every couple weeks or so. When he is here it is a completely different ballgame. It is constant activity and noise when they are both here...but not more than any other kids would make. They mind me most of the time ( when I get really stern ) so I dont usually have too many problems. The worst part is that when D is here, K usually ends up gettting hurt in one of their little scuffles...or she ends up crashing on the bike or something...it is not uncommon for their to be some crying and slight bleeding on a daily basis with her as she is fearless...especially when trying to keep up with her big brother. I have enjoyed having them here and getting to spend so much time with them this summer... pretty much the best summer job ever.
Thats pretty much it, folks. Not much more news and definitely not any excitement. Not that I want any either...
Will I go on vacay with R and L? I guess we will have to wait and see...
Justin, enjoying summer while it's here
Friday, July 11, 2008
Catching up
Things have been ok lately. R and I are getting along but not for very long...we fight every couple days or so every week. Nothing major ( yet ) but still enough to cause friction around here.
I am still unsure how to make things any better...unless I just give in every time...which is not going to happen. I can compromise but I am tired of having to coddle a 40 yr old...how can be very childish.
I am not unhappy but not exactly happy either. I guess it varies from day to day depending on what is happening around here. L being here is definitely becoming a challenge. I enjoy his visits here but it is getting harder to stand him when he starts acting obnoxious...which is a lot. R ignores it until it gets completely out of hand and by then there is no calming L down...and they usually end up getting into it but R always backs down in the end... I just wish L would realize how much his dad does for him and be a little nicer when he is here with us. I also wish he would realize how much his dad spends trying to make him happy and ensure he has a good time here.
Like I said...it can be very challenging. I will leave it at that...
I did buy me a new phone. With no help from anyone. I researched the model I wanted. Found the best deal locally and paid for it myself. I wish I would not have had to wait so long before getting it but I did the very best I could have under my current circumstances... Anyway, I got a new razor phone. It is the red one that I wanted too.
Lets all hope that things get better for me. I am talking about getting back on my feet for good. Finding a job that I can do and support myself with the money I make too. I need to get myself a car and get my act completely together. For good this time too...no more fucking around. I cant believe how much time I have wasted being satisfied letting R support me...it will change as soon as I can possibly make it happen. I still have my niece and nephew everyday...for four more weeks of summer and then I will be free to look for a job elsewhere...hope I can find one close to home so I dont have to rely on anyone to get back and forth to it...I dont want much, do I? Lol.
Well, I do feel better after typing out all my frustration...I suppose I should do it more often like I used to and maybe I would not be so bitchy all the time....
Justin, out
I am still unsure how to make things any better...unless I just give in every time...which is not going to happen. I can compromise but I am tired of having to coddle a 40 yr old...how can be very childish.
I am not unhappy but not exactly happy either. I guess it varies from day to day depending on what is happening around here. L being here is definitely becoming a challenge. I enjoy his visits here but it is getting harder to stand him when he starts acting obnoxious...which is a lot. R ignores it until it gets completely out of hand and by then there is no calming L down...and they usually end up getting into it but R always backs down in the end... I just wish L would realize how much his dad does for him and be a little nicer when he is here with us. I also wish he would realize how much his dad spends trying to make him happy and ensure he has a good time here.
Like I said...it can be very challenging. I will leave it at that...
I did buy me a new phone. With no help from anyone. I researched the model I wanted. Found the best deal locally and paid for it myself. I wish I would not have had to wait so long before getting it but I did the very best I could have under my current circumstances... Anyway, I got a new razor phone. It is the red one that I wanted too.
Lets all hope that things get better for me. I am talking about getting back on my feet for good. Finding a job that I can do and support myself with the money I make too. I need to get myself a car and get my act completely together. For good this time too...no more fucking around. I cant believe how much time I have wasted being satisfied letting R support me...it will change as soon as I can possibly make it happen. I still have my niece and nephew everyday...for four more weeks of summer and then I will be free to look for a job elsewhere...hope I can find one close to home so I dont have to rely on anyone to get back and forth to it...I dont want much, do I? Lol.
Well, I do feel better after typing out all my frustration...I suppose I should do it more often like I used to and maybe I would not be so bitchy all the time....
Justin, out
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