2009 recap

Well, while I did not do many posts this last year it does not mean there was not a lot going on for me...oh, Lord, where to begin...

First of all, my job is pretty good. It could be much worse...much, much worse. The only bad thing is that I dont make enough money to live on my own. I cant believe I would have to work two jobs just to support myself. Well, it does look like it is coming to that too.

Yep, you guessed it. R and I had it out big time today. I am so sick and tired of coming on here just to bitch about him. I have no one else to talk to about him. My family is out bcs I have been dumb enough to stay with him and could not risk them not liking him...for obvious reasons. Same deal with my friends...not that I have any. I am so alone. Trapped in an distrusting and empty marriage and have alienated everyone else except my family for said marriage. I now hate R so much I cant stand it. It is Christmas in a couple days and this shit happens. I had a feeling it would. It is kinda weird how this happened this time. I ignored feelings and vibes ( unaccounted for time for R and a strange number in his phone that I didnt call ) only to be smacked in the face with it. I logged onto his laptop and opened mozilla firefox and it told me there was too many tabs open and something, something and gave me the option to restore the previous session, which I did. What opened really hit me hard: his yahoo email, manhunt, and the casual encounters page on craigslist. Those three tabs together is not a coincidence either. There is no believable reason for it. R said he doesnt have to justify himself to me ( hello, we are in a relationship here! ) and insisted that he had done nothing wrong. I do not believe this shit for a second bcs he would rather die than admit anything to me.

So now, what to do? Should I stay with him and hope he is telling the truth? Should I leave him and start a horrible life living with my mother in a one bedroom apt? Unless I stay with R until I get my heiress check, I have no other options right now. It eats me to the core that this keeps happening and I have to overlook it just to have a place to live. Well, I guess I really dont have to, but choose to. Why do I choose to? Why dont I want to leave him? Maybe I am not as strong as I thought...or maybe I am just scared.

I was so looking forward to the holidays this year. He ruins everything for me. He ruined Thanksgiving, and always starts something with me when we are going to see my family. Literally, each time we are on our way to my moms he starts some shit. I fucking hate him. I fucking hate him so fucking much. I have been so on edge lately with these weird feelings eating at me...and now I know why.

I hope my leaving him will change him for the better...as a wake up call and that he does not get back on drugs and let himself go. I want good things for him...even if they dont include me.

Fuck, I am tired of sitting here swallowed up in emotion. I am numb from all the cecil but still...

My life was so good. And now its over.

Justin, so overloaded I cant think of an adjective to end my post like I always do...damn it.

Oh Lord...life is complcated

Man, talk about overload for me lately.

First of all...I am now up to two deceased grandparents in the last two weeks...I was not close with the latest one ( great grandpa Heber ) but still.

Next we have the hives. I have been broke out in hives almost everyday for like three months now. I have taken the zyrtec like all the Dr's told me to. I am now taking a combo of zyrtec and benadryl just to keep them down. Each morning I hope they are not on my face ( like Thanksgiving ) or on my arms and noticeable at work. I go back to the derm next week and hopefully he can help me out. I just wish I could figure out what I am allergic to...I hope its not my dog.

Then theres my work. I am coming to dislike it. It has become a constant headache...covering shifts, waiting for people to come who come in late, and those not in uniform too. I have put my foot down and started passing out write ups but damn why does it have to come to this? I hate being the bad guy all the time...but then again, it is my job to enforce the rules. I do take my job seriously and realize this is just part of it.

Finally we have R. Things are pretty good with us right now. That's right, I am still with him. I may have jumped to conclusions with some of my accusations. I also wont be looking for trouble anymore either...what I dont know wont hurt me...I hope. I want to trust him but I just cant. I do love him and want a life with him but like everything else it is hard. Hopefully things will be alright with us and we will grow old together...

I am so out of sorts again lately. Not sure if its all the antihistamines I have been taking or everything weighing me down.

On a different note: I went to my real dad's for Thanksgiving. They noticed me so much no one mentioned the huge hive right by my left eye. I felt uncomfortable and we left before they even ate. We did have to get Luke anyway... My sister obviously hates me too. R thinks she is threatened by me...which is ridiculous! Although she has my dad all to herself all these years....so how knows. She is so cold to me and would not even look me in the eye. Oh well, not everyone is going to be a fan.

Justin, all broke out