Man, what a rough one...

This week has been very rough....

My new job is horrible. I fucking hate it. It is not even close to anything I would like. I realize, that no one really likes their job but damn, this one is just plain awful. I wont go into details about it right now...just know how I feel about it. I hope that something else will come my way...but until then I can stick it out. I dont know how I can possibly look for a new job as I work Mon-Fri from
9am to 6pm. Oh well, at least it is a job that is not hard, is in an office environment, and is close to R's work so we can ride into town together. And, maybe it will get better...but I doubt it.

I have also been kinda sickly this week too. I have not felt well, had no energy, and have lost seven pounds without trying or altering my eating habits. I am going to the Dr in a couple weeks and will bring it up then...but maybe it will pass before my appt. I just feel kinda weird bcs I dont know what the hell could be wrong with me.

As for my relationship with R... it has been rocky this week too. We have both been stressed due to our jobs ( his is crazy stressful and I hate mine ) so I think that has a lot to do with it. We are broke right now too. We both get paid tomorrow so that should help a little. I hope things settle down between us. He told me earlier today that he hopes we can be happy and that he wants our relationship to be more stable. I am hoping for the same thing. I feel that he could be the one... ( my only reason for doubts are mostly my issues ) and the longer we are together the better chance my doubts will fade away. Our one year anniversary is coming up in a couple weeks, which makes this the longest relationship I have ever had. I am almost 32 and am totally ready to be settled down and hope that we can work thru anything that comes our way. Dont get me wrong, not all of our problems are his doing...I am just as much to blame.

Well guys, that's about it for now...wish me luck in the job situation. God know I need it.

Justin, hopeful.

Falling into place...

Well, it seems like things are finally starting to turn around for me.

I found a job. I started last Monday...it might not be exactly what I want but at least it is not waiting tables or in a restaurant of any kind. I am doing verifications for a company called Data Exchange. It is Mon-Fri daytime...it doesnt pay a lot but thats ok.

I filed my taxes. I got an earned income credit and my return doubled. I am even getting a refund from the state this year. With the stimulus check I will get almost $1300 back. That should take care of all my fines I have not paid yet, get my drivers license back, and everything....I should be able to buy a car within six months now...

I just hope things continue this way. I am so optimistic and eager that I just cant wait. It has been so long since I could be proud of myself and that day is finally coming. My sister said on the phone today that she is proud of me for getting everything taken care of and getting my life back on track. It will be so nice not to have to worry about having fines hanging over my head and so fucking awesome to have a drivers license again...and to have a car again...well, that would be the very best thing ever...

Justin, looking forward to the future...

It's a start

Well, I got a job. It is an office/clerical job...much like the last job I had...or at least I hope the new one is similar as I am not exactly sure just yet what it will be like. I have gone for orientation but will start working on Monday. I am pretty excited but not overly so, I dont want to face a let down so I am being low-key about it until it I know for sure. I wont be making a ton of money but anything is better than nothing.

As for the current situation between R and myself...it is ok. I am still not ready to discuss all of what went down with us...just know that things have calmed down...for now. I am not very optimistic about things but you never know...anything is possible. I just hope things will stay calm between us...

Well, thats it for now. I will return with details about the new job and such...

Justin, out for now

I just dont get it...

How R can possibly tell me he loves me so much but can turn it off so quickly. I have never felt so unloved in all my life as I have since I have been with R...I have kept these feelings to myself bcs I am ashamed. I find it quite humiliating that I am in love with someone who can not return the favor. Someone who has thrown himself at me to win me over but when push comes to shove he turns his back on me every time. I can not believe I have been so foolish...I should have known better all along...since he cheated on me and lied about it to my face. I think he has cheated again recently too. If he didnt it is just because it didnt work out...not for lack of trying.

Let me start from the beginning. I ended up going on vacation with R and L. I should have known better but I wanted to go so bad I could not stop myself. Everything went great...we had such a good time...so much fun. I am positive we all had a very good time. Until the way home. I was riding in the back seat and got car sick. I had just eaten a huge greasy breakfast from Denny's. I should have known better as I had already told Luke he could ride in the front seat. I tried to relax but felt so queasy. My stomach was cramping very hard and my head was pounding but I tried to keep it to myself hoping to would pass quickly. We stopped and R asked me in the mens room why I was being so grouchy. I told him I was not grouchy I was nauseous and car sick. He mumbled back that it is always something with me. That remark hurt my feelings very much...as he had been very sweet and extremely nice to me the night before. I really just wanted an encouraging word, a sweet remark...just a brief moment of his attention. I didnt get it so I was cranky the rest of the drive home. R was pissed by the time we got home...so pissed that he could not see past his anger for one second and completely froze me out. I tried several times to talk to him...it was really a big misunderstanding that got blown way out of proportion. I thought we could talk it out and it would be over with but instead he froze me out telling me that he had wasted the last year focusing on me and that his new focus is his ten year old son who is here every other weekend...that if he doesnt that he will lose him. This bafflled me as the son has always been his focus...I just wanted a couple minutes to talk. He gets so angry and it takes a minute to pass but this time his anger got the best of everything and he has kept it hot and on his mind for almost 36hrs now. He refused to talk to me...went out of his way to ignore me...what is so hard about giving two people your attention at the same time? I feel really confused right now and wonder why R could get so mad so quickly and stay that way for so long that he can expect me to believe he wants to be with me. He kept saying he would talk to me later and that he needed to focus on his son. That is a line bcs the son slept until 11am and we were both up by 8am. He told me that things are over for him. That I pushed him to far and so on...I heard that. I respect that...but surely if I can forgive all the things he has done then he can overlook a little crankiness in the car...I am so lost right now I cant even think straight.

I will be back soon with details...

I'm going...

Well, we have not left yet but I am going on vacation with R and L...the only thing that can stop me now is my back pain. It has not bothered me for about three weeks but in the last two days it has come back full force...and then some. It has been pretty bad today but I am going to get my pain pills from the pharmacy in a few hours.

I hope that a pill combo will work for me and allow me to have a good time with my new family. Between coffee, ultrim, loratab, and bayer back & body...I should be numb to almost everything.

I will be back next week with details and memories to share...

until then,
Justin, excited

Fuuny how quickly things can change...

As if the last week was not enough of a whirl wind...the last couple days sure have been.

When L got here on Friday he told me he did want me to go on vacation with them. I was hesitant but R talked me into going saying that it would seem rude and childish if I didnt go. I decided to concede this one since I really wanted to go. Keep in mind that the whole time R has been saying how much he really wants me to go but I could tell there was something on his mind.

This morning we woke up in a good mood. Everything seemed to be going well...like we were going to have a good day. Man, was I ever wrong. I noticed sometime mid-morning that R was acting strange. I tried to be sweet and ask him repeatedly what was wrong. He kept telling me nothing but was also avoiding me and would not make eye contact with me. I was pretty much told to leave him alone and he continued to be distant. I finally told him I would call my mom and have her take me to my nephews party bcs I didnt want R to go if he is going to be in such a shitty mood. Well, he finally broke down and told me that he does not think he can afford to take me on vacation with them. I felt like I had been punched in the throat...it hurt my feelings very badly. I hope that now he feels like shit too. How will it all turn out...? Will he make nice with me...or will this tension continue until they leave for vacation and I end up leaving R for good.

Justin, so hurt and confused I just cant even think straight...

Ready for a change

Things are weird for me right now. Not only do I not get to go on vacation with R and L and had R make me feel like shit about it when it was not my fault...we had it out big time for three days after I found out. There was more to it but I wont go into everything...

Where was I? Ok, not going on vacay...and my grandma is not coming to spend the night here either. I was crushed when I found out. I had such high hopes to spend some time with her. I really can not recall the last time we spent some quality time together, just the two of us. Anyway...she is not coming either so I tried to make arrangements for M to come spend a night. He told me that if I could come up with gas money to get back home that he could come. Now he is saying that he has to sell his lap top before he can come and that he will let me know later on if he is coming or not... I doubt he will. I feel like shit. Like no one wants to be around me and stuff...I know that sounds crazy but every way I turn there is someone turning me down and it hurts badly. I feel like the ugly, weird looking, overly feminate, orange haired little boy I used to be. I know that sounds crazy too but my child hood was too terrible for words. Feeling this way again as an adult is almost killing me. I thought I had put those feelings behind me and a different person now...it's weird how quickly it all came rushing back...

Things are especially strained between R and myself lately too. Since "making up" after our huge fight last weekend he has gone online looking at guys on manhunt and gay.com and lying to me about it. I even caught him sending someone a picture of himself. He totally denied it but I had the proof right in front of me...he didnt admit to it or express remorse or apologize until after he made me cry. He does that a lot....he does something stupid, I catch him, push him until he has to admit it and it pisses him off instead of him being sorry. If I were caught by my husband trying to cheat, my last defense would be anger and hostility. Anyway...after all that, he is now going back and forth between over the top, in my face, tongue down my thoat affection to rude remarks and criticism then to sad and depressed acting. I just cant figure him out...

Ok, so...where will things go from here? I can only hope for the best. After everything I have been thru in the last week I am more determined than ever to change things around for myself.

Justin, all-of-a sudden optimistic.