How R can possibly tell me he loves me so much but can turn it off so quickly. I have never felt so unloved in all my life as I have since I have been with R...I have kept these feelings to myself bcs I am ashamed. I find it quite humiliating that I am in love with someone who can not return the favor. Someone who has thrown himself at me to win me over but when push comes to shove he turns his back on me every time. I can not believe I have been so foolish...I should have known better all along...since he cheated on me and lied about it to my face. I think he has cheated again recently too. If he didnt it is just because it didnt work out...not for lack of trying.
Let me start from the beginning. I ended up going on vacation with R and L. I should have known better but I wanted to go so bad I could not stop myself. Everything went great...we had such a good time...so much fun. I am positive we all had a very good time. Until the way home. I was riding in the back seat and got car sick. I had just eaten a huge greasy breakfast from Denny's. I should have known better as I had already told Luke he could ride in the front seat. I tried to relax but felt so queasy. My stomach was cramping very hard and my head was pounding but I tried to keep it to myself hoping to would pass quickly. We stopped and R asked me in the mens room why I was being so grouchy. I told him I was not grouchy I was nauseous and car sick. He mumbled back that it is always something with me. That remark hurt my feelings very much...as he had been very sweet and extremely nice to me the night before. I really just wanted an encouraging word, a sweet remark...just a brief moment of his attention. I didnt get it so I was cranky the rest of the drive home. R was pissed by the time we got home...so pissed that he could not see past his anger for one second and completely froze me out. I tried several times to talk to him...it was really a big misunderstanding that got blown way out of proportion. I thought we could talk it out and it would be over with but instead he froze me out telling me that he had wasted the last year focusing on me and that his new focus is his ten year old son who is here every other weekend...that if he doesnt that he will lose him. This bafflled me as the son has always been his focus...I just wanted a couple minutes to talk. He gets so angry and it takes a minute to pass but this time his anger got the best of everything and he has kept it hot and on his mind for almost 36hrs now. He refused to talk to me...went out of his way to ignore me...what is so hard about giving two people your attention at the same time? I feel really confused right now and wonder why R could get so mad so quickly and stay that way for so long that he can expect me to believe he wants to be with me. He kept saying he would talk to me later and that he needed to focus on his son. That is a line bcs the son slept until 11am and we were both up by 8am. He told me that things are over for him. That I pushed him to far and so on...I heard that. I respect that...but surely if I can forgive all the things he has done then he can overlook a little crankiness in the car...I am so lost right now I cant even think straight.
I will be back soon with details...
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