Still here....

I am still with R. After 15 months of meth addiction. I have put up with so much...

an adam for adam profile
a grindr profile
evidence of craigslist hook-ups
so MANY lonely nights not knowing where he really was or who he was with or what he was doing

Yet I am still with him...I continue to believe in what he says...am I a fool? Why do I stay?????

Do I really love him that much or am I just that scared to try it on my own?

I am so miserable I must make a change in my life soon. I hate it the way it is...and I am saying this after our big blow up. I moved everything out but my clothes into a mini storage...this was after he ruined my 14 year hiv anniversary day. I came home early from an open house (it was a filthy mess and could not be shown) only to find my husband's meth, meth pipe, and ipod open to his grindr on the counter while he was in the shower. I bet everyone thinks I am a fool to still be here...I know I do. Sometimes anyway...

I lost my momentum somehow. I feel like I've lost myself sometimes...

Updates...

First of all I am now a licensed real estate agent in the state of Oklahoma. It has taken 6 months and a couple thousand dollars to make it happen but I finally did it. I pursued a dream.I am still at subway for now but cant wait to quit.

Next I got a brand new car. 2012 Nissan Juke. I have been wanting one for a while and I actually made that happen too. I hated to trade in my tc but it was so small and uncomfortable to ride in. My back would hurt after only an hr behind the wheel.

Yet, I am fucking miserable. I hate my life here with R. He is lying cheating meth addict. He has pushed me so far that I pretty much cant stand to even look at him. He has been doing the drugs for months now and will not stop or get any help. I am powerless to do anything but watch. Except I might now be around much longer to watch it happen. Man I fucking hate this. And him. His lies and wild stories are so disrespectful and he blatantly disregards my feelings. Im getting so upset thinking about all this I have to stop typing...

Wow...what a week

So, today is thursday and I still have one more day to go...

Monday was fucked up work. I arrived at 4:30 and due to mistakes and things not done, I was still not ready to open at 7...but I had to. The rest of the day was slow and dull until the end when I wanted to leave and we were slammed with school kids. Oh, how I detest those loud, messy kids...I bet they hate me.

Tuesday went by fast...nothing overly eventful.

Wednesday I was able to leave at 11am so I could study for my real estate exam...which I failed. I can retake it but had to pay another $60 to do so. I needed a 75 and got a 72. The things that were emphasized in the book and in class were not really on the test and the topics that were not really covered (like appraisal) were all thru the damn test. Plus I missed two of the damn math questions...I practiced those fuckers too! I brought my own damn calculator! Oh well...heres hoping I can pass the damn thing on the second try...

Today ( thurs. ) was hard. It started out ok but then when the kids got out all hell broke loose. Ryan and I literally had a constant line of kids for over an hr. It was busier than lunch...but occurred after I was supposed to leave. I was not the nicest this afternoon. I gotta stop acting like that...or I will get fired.

I hate that I failed the test...I knew I would since there was no practice test. I didnt know exactly what to expect or what I should study the hardest...I pretty much read the entire text book and all the study guide pages that I have...plus read over all the quizzes we took in class...

Things with R are going pretty good...all he talks about is getting a new car. Whatever kind he is looking at today...just like with the new furniture he has to consider all the options in a couple different price ranges. Will he get a new something for 30k or a used something that he got a good  deal on...? Other than that things are ok...I hesitate saying something bcs each time I do...things go bad. I do love him...more than he will ever realize.

I realized something just now. I am a questioner. I constantly ask. Of others. Of myself. On this blog. There are so many things I wonder about...

What will become of my life from here?  I never dreamed it would get this good...do I dare that it will get better? I sometimes cant believe how things turned out for me. About this time 5yrs ago I was staying in a gross basement apt with Kirk. Sleeping on his couch. Doing drugs with him and any other joe who came thru the door. I am so glad I got away from that...especially as quickly as I did. Although 10 weeks is a long time. My God, I cant believe I lived with him for 10 weeks. Thinking back, it seemed like each day drug on and on and on...unless we were doing drugs. Which was often in the beginning and then not really at all in the end. Meeting R that day changed my entire life. Sometimes I am so overcome with gratitude it hurts...but I never say anything out loud. I hold it in. I save it. I call upon it when I need it...when Im angry or hurt and need to remember...just now as I type I am pained on the inside. R is right across the room but might as well be in Egypt. He will never know how I feel. The effect of the words is not there...or he doesnt act like it.

Why does each paragraph beclome about R? What would I give for him to be as about me as I am about him...He probably would be if I would be as sexual as he wants...


I got a stiff neck and a sore throat. Im going to bed.

Justin, worn out.

good weekend

This weekend was actually pretty good...

No calls or interruptions from subway.

Date night sat and fun times on sun with Rodney...surprise. Things have gone pretty good for us this weekend. Not all happiness, sunshine, and rainbows but def an improvement.

I didnt have the best time last night but the bars in Tulsa are kinda dull. Plus, our friends kinda blew us off...we didnt care. We went to the eagle and then club 209, which I dont really care about, it was just something we dont usually do. It was kinda dead and even worse it was kareokee too. I hate that shit. Listening to drunk bitches belting out Call me Maybe or Summer Lovin from grease...ugh.

Anyway, overall it has been a pleasant weekend.


Justin, ok.

Life's a damn mess

Thankfully my mom went home from the hospital after just one night...

The rest of my life is still in the toilet....

Work sucks. I am not sure why I am so scared to let go and find another job. I do hate it tho. Only the paycheck and some of the kids who work for me make it worthwhile. How I do love those kids...some of them anyhow. Its great how some of them touch my life and I influence theirs... and the rest of them are just there for a paycheck only.

Work is hell. R has not eaten in two days. And barely slept any as well. Its so obvious...and he has so little respect for me that he simply does not care...I would give anything to get him off the drugs. I cant bring myself to just "walk away" right now. What would become of him? Why do I care? He doesnt...

The check engine light in my car come on this morning. Yeah, its 5 yrs old with only 57k miles...wtf. So, I took it to auto zone and they hooked it up to the machine for me. They say its a blown fuse or a loose wire somewhere...not something I can fix myself. Great. Just when things might possibly be looking up for me financially my care breaks down. So I made an appt with Earnie who fixed my Pt cruiser. It will be another 3 days b4 he can get to it and I cant drive it much either...So no looking at apts for me today. I dont wanna rent an apt here in Owasso but dont wanna drive back and forth from Tulsa either...God, what a mess.

I need to dig deep and find the strength to do what I know I gotta do. But Im scared.

today...not a typical Monday

I did not have a typical Monday today...

First, work was not bad. Not even close to the usual hell that is my Monday morning at subway after being off on Sundays and my usual "polish" is missing... things are just out of sort and not how I like them...usually. Today the money and bread counts were both correct over the weekend and everything...

Then, my sister called to say my mom was going to the er for chest pains. She was admitted but so far they have not really found anything they can exactly pinpoint is the problem...at least not yet. they are still testing her and treating her as though she had a heart attack. Hopefully things will pan out and she can go home tomorrow...

Next, I saw Jesse. Jesse Ray Hall. My cousin who I was closer to than anyone else in my family for a long time. He and I shared many, many laughs and good times together...He was my best friend but he didnt know it. Maybe he did but quietly allowed it. He was always more like my brother... anyway, before today I had not seen or spoke to him in over 5yrs. I hope now he will forgive me and we can move on past it all...
It was a huge deal to me. I hope it was to him too. I hope he is curious about me and my life as I am of his. He has three children and I am stranger to them. All bcs of the things I did while I was  on drugs...

Finally, I had an awkward conversation with rod about meth. he brought it up but was not prepared for how far I would take it and tried like always to end it. I pushed a little but have learned that is not the way to approach him... not that there really is a good way to approach him...

In conclusion, my day was definitely different. Glad its over. Hope tomorrow is better.

Justin, sleepy...

Here goes...

I am not sure why I am compelled to do a second post in one day...considering I have not done one in over a year...

I am troubled and have no one to turn to...at least thats how I feel. Mom and grams cant help me and are probably tired of listening to me complain about my marriage. My sister has her own family. I literally dont have any friends. R is the only one. And right now I wouldnt consider him a friend. We simply coexist in this house together but no longer have any real connection. Its dead. Maybe it really is my fault. Maybe I did drive him to the drugs. Why didnt I pay more attention to him? Or did I and he is just too needy or simply blaming it on me to ease his conscience. Who knows...

One thing is for sure. I am not happy. Definitely not happy at home. Or at work. And there is nothing else in my life.

I have tried to become a realtor. That has been a long and arduous process. I still dont have my license bcs of the stupid shit I did when I was younger. You know, trying to become a realtor is so typical of me...hoping and wanting something so bad that is really going to get me nowhere. I hope I really am not wasting my time with this and dont end up making any money. I really think I glamorized it in my mind...thinking I would be able to just get a license, quit subway, and be able to support myself selling houses. Yeah right. I guess I am just a hopeless dreamer. Will I ever get it right? Will I ever be happy? Dont I deserve to be happy?
From the ugly, unwanted child who was abused so terribly to a reckless and immature drug addict my life has seen its hard times so its not like I am not used to turmoil. Why cant I handle it now? Why cant I face it down? Where has all my strength and back bone gone? Why am I hiding from reality when its right in front of my face? Why am I so afraid to attempt life outside Rodney's house?
Why do I feel like such a failure? All I ever really wanted was a happy, stable relationship with someone who was really mine and just live a simple life. Where did I go wrong? Why cant I get anything right?

I miss my grandma. It stings like a hot knife in my gut to know I am the one who drove her away. She has always been the only one I could really count on and I ruined her life. I fucked her over. She has forgiven me but I will never forgive myself..for making her push me out and moving away. I need her right now.  But she has a new life with new grandsons who need her more than my selfish ass. Maybe its childish to think my granms could swoop in and make it all better anyway. Man how I miss her. Seeing her everyday was something I took for granted and though would always be a given. Now its been over five yrs since Ive lived with her and all I have are a few memories thru my drug hazed mind...what a horrible feeling.

I am so lonely. I cant shake the thoughts of always being alone. I am alone most of the time...even tho I live with R. He is not home much and if he is he is usually working...I guess. He is on the computer so I assume he is working.

Which brings me to self doubt. I used to be more confident. Didnt I? Or was that an act?

Where did I go wrong? Where will life take me from here?

Its been a while...

Things in my life are a mess right now...a hot mess.

My husband is addicted to meth. Its been going on for 7 months now and I have known for the last 3. This morning I found a meth pipe in my house. It was the 5th time I have found something yet R insists he has stopped doing it... This is fucking killing me and my relationship...

Work sucks too. I sooo fucking hate it. Yet I have no other choices right now...I make more $ than ever before yet dont really make enough to support myself living alone. I could do it, I suppose. But it would be very tough and take every cent I make...leaving nothing for anything extra. This frightens me...I see so many other people struggling and  I have become so comfortable living here with R...not that I dont contribute.

I am so confused right now. I hate him doing the drugs behind my back but I find myself afraid to confront him again. He blames me for everything. Literally, everything. I dont see how everything, everytime can be my fault. According to him, he only started doing it bcs he has no confidence bcs I am always breaking him down...and he needs it to feel better about himself. He says our lack of sex life has pushed him away to the point where he no longer cares...and its obvious. I have tried and tried to rekindle something that was once there...did I wait too long? Or is he so drugged out that he doesnt realize whats happening.

I want to leave him but I am terrified. I do not want to move in with my mom. But I dont think I can make it on my own...I am so torn. Nothing in life is ever easy. I have learned that the hard way...a million times over.

Aside from the moving and all that entails...there is Cookie. What would happen to him without me here? Rodney ignores him. He speaks a few words to him but gives him absolutely no attention...I cant bear the thought of cookie living here without me...yet it would be impossible to take him with me.

Where will the strength come from? I need some guidance. And some answers...