Here goes...

I am not sure why I am compelled to do a second post in one day...considering I have not done one in over a year...

I am troubled and have no one to turn to...at least thats how I feel. Mom and grams cant help me and are probably tired of listening to me complain about my marriage. My sister has her own family. I literally dont have any friends. R is the only one. And right now I wouldnt consider him a friend. We simply coexist in this house together but no longer have any real connection. Its dead. Maybe it really is my fault. Maybe I did drive him to the drugs. Why didnt I pay more attention to him? Or did I and he is just too needy or simply blaming it on me to ease his conscience. Who knows...

One thing is for sure. I am not happy. Definitely not happy at home. Or at work. And there is nothing else in my life.

I have tried to become a realtor. That has been a long and arduous process. I still dont have my license bcs of the stupid shit I did when I was younger. You know, trying to become a realtor is so typical of me...hoping and wanting something so bad that is really going to get me nowhere. I hope I really am not wasting my time with this and dont end up making any money. I really think I glamorized it in my mind...thinking I would be able to just get a license, quit subway, and be able to support myself selling houses. Yeah right. I guess I am just a hopeless dreamer. Will I ever get it right? Will I ever be happy? Dont I deserve to be happy?
From the ugly, unwanted child who was abused so terribly to a reckless and immature drug addict my life has seen its hard times so its not like I am not used to turmoil. Why cant I handle it now? Why cant I face it down? Where has all my strength and back bone gone? Why am I hiding from reality when its right in front of my face? Why am I so afraid to attempt life outside Rodney's house?
Why do I feel like such a failure? All I ever really wanted was a happy, stable relationship with someone who was really mine and just live a simple life. Where did I go wrong? Why cant I get anything right?

I miss my grandma. It stings like a hot knife in my gut to know I am the one who drove her away. She has always been the only one I could really count on and I ruined her life. I fucked her over. She has forgiven me but I will never forgive myself..for making her push me out and moving away. I need her right now.  But she has a new life with new grandsons who need her more than my selfish ass. Maybe its childish to think my granms could swoop in and make it all better anyway. Man how I miss her. Seeing her everyday was something I took for granted and though would always be a given. Now its been over five yrs since Ive lived with her and all I have are a few memories thru my drug hazed mind...what a horrible feeling.

I am so lonely. I cant shake the thoughts of always being alone. I am alone most of the time...even tho I live with R. He is not home much and if he is he is usually working...I guess. He is on the computer so I assume he is working.

Which brings me to self doubt. I used to be more confident. Didnt I? Or was that an act?

Where did I go wrong? Where will life take me from here?