I dont know what is wrong with me lately.
I just cant seem to think straight.
I am constantly suspicious of everything.
I dont know if I am content with my relationship with R or not. I am going crazy thinking he is constantly up to something. Will I ever be able to trust him again? If I cant, how can I possible stay with him? Why is this so fucking hard? I know without a doubt that I do love R. He makes me very happy most of the time. But then, there's the rest of the time...which is horrible. We fight all the time. Mostly over stuff that seems stupid. Part of me thinks I am right, that he's a lying, cheating, scheming monster. The other part of me thinks I am being overly paranoid, that there's a logical, reasonable explanation to everything. Is there? Or, am I allowing him to convince me of his lies bcs I am afraid of what will happen to me if I have to leave him? I am so confused. I just want to be settled and happy somewhere...whether it's here or not.
Justin out
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
Monday, January 28, 2008
A great weekend
M ended up coming for a visit after all...
We had such a great time. He and R got along great, even better than I had hoped for...
They didnt get here until about 6pm on Sat, so we almost immediately got ready and went into town. We bar-hopped all night long! It was so much fun. This was the best and most fun visit M and I have had in a long time.
R and I are going to stay in Ar next week ( for R's work ) and I just hope the two of them get along just as good then.
Gotta go for now,
Justin
We had such a great time. He and R got along great, even better than I had hoped for...
They didnt get here until about 6pm on Sat, so we almost immediately got ready and went into town. We bar-hopped all night long! It was so much fun. This was the best and most fun visit M and I have had in a long time.
R and I are going to stay in Ar next week ( for R's work ) and I just hope the two of them get along just as good then.
Gotta go for now,
Justin
Saturday, January 26, 2008
Goodbye Misery
I am feeling much better today. About everything.
My illness is gone. It's amazing to me how one day I am feeling awful and have a fever and then the next I am just fine.
R and I have also patched things up. We discussed everything and love each other so much that we really had no choice but to work things out.
M is on his way here for a visit. I hope like hell that everything goes well...meaning that he and R will get along. Not only get along but like each other. I am also hoping that teasing and making fun of me is not their common ground...but if it is, I will be happy to play along to keep the peace. They are both very important to me so I am hoping that everything will work out and I will not be put in the middle of them.
In other news, my Mom just came by. She and step-dad were in town having lunch so she brought my W2 and some new contact lenses to me. Her dad is an eye dr so I have always gotten my lenses for free, which has always been greatly appreciated.
Well, that's about it for now. Things have turned around for me in the last twenty four hrs and I could not be more pleased about it.
Much Luv,
Justin
My illness is gone. It's amazing to me how one day I am feeling awful and have a fever and then the next I am just fine.
R and I have also patched things up. We discussed everything and love each other so much that we really had no choice but to work things out.
M is on his way here for a visit. I hope like hell that everything goes well...meaning that he and R will get along. Not only get along but like each other. I am also hoping that teasing and making fun of me is not their common ground...but if it is, I will be happy to play along to keep the peace. They are both very important to me so I am hoping that everything will work out and I will not be put in the middle of them.
In other news, my Mom just came by. She and step-dad were in town having lunch so she brought my W2 and some new contact lenses to me. Her dad is an eye dr so I have always gotten my lenses for free, which has always been greatly appreciated.
Well, that's about it for now. Things have turned around for me in the last twenty four hrs and I could not be more pleased about it.
Much Luv,
Justin
Friday, January 25, 2008
So fucking miserable...
but this time it's not all R's fault.
I have been very ill for the last three days. High fever and intense stomach problems. It has not been pleasant.
There worse part about it has been feeling completely alone with no one to care for me. R says he does but it's very hard to see right now.
Things have been strained between us ( again. )
I recently found out that he did cheat on me with more than one person. He is now admitting to two. I know there's more and more to the story. I dont see how he thinks we can ever have a good relationship if he cant be completely honest with me. It is tearing me apart thinking that he could not only do something like that but then continuously lie about it. Why wont he just tell me so we can get past it? I was completely honest about me chatting with that guy with him. And all I did was chat via internet...there was never an in-person meeting. He was extremely bothered by it so you would think he would come clean.
He wanted to have a threeway last week. With the guy from here he cheated on me with. It got way out of hand but thankfully nothing happened. We would not be together right now if anything had. He chatted with guys online in front of me too. The worse part of that was that he was only trying to set something up for just him, not both of us...I am so fucking heartbroken again I dont know if I can carry on. I am so worried we will not be able to make this work. I have cried all day wondering...
We were fighting about our almost threesome and I walked out of the room. Only to come back in to find him online again. I left the room again and then came back to find him still online. He was in there chatting with guys instead of trying to patch things up with me. That hurts so fucking bad I cant stand it. I saw some emails between him and another guy and cant help but wonder if R ever did hook up with him...
Why does everyone I love hurt me?
I love him so much, but dont know if it will work out.
Justin the miserable.
I have been very ill for the last three days. High fever and intense stomach problems. It has not been pleasant.
There worse part about it has been feeling completely alone with no one to care for me. R says he does but it's very hard to see right now.
Things have been strained between us ( again. )
I recently found out that he did cheat on me with more than one person. He is now admitting to two. I know there's more and more to the story. I dont see how he thinks we can ever have a good relationship if he cant be completely honest with me. It is tearing me apart thinking that he could not only do something like that but then continuously lie about it. Why wont he just tell me so we can get past it? I was completely honest about me chatting with that guy with him. And all I did was chat via internet...there was never an in-person meeting. He was extremely bothered by it so you would think he would come clean.
He wanted to have a threeway last week. With the guy from here he cheated on me with. It got way out of hand but thankfully nothing happened. We would not be together right now if anything had. He chatted with guys online in front of me too. The worse part of that was that he was only trying to set something up for just him, not both of us...I am so fucking heartbroken again I dont know if I can carry on. I am so worried we will not be able to make this work. I have cried all day wondering...
We were fighting about our almost threesome and I walked out of the room. Only to come back in to find him online again. I left the room again and then came back to find him still online. He was in there chatting with guys instead of trying to patch things up with me. That hurts so fucking bad I cant stand it. I saw some emails between him and another guy and cant help but wonder if R ever did hook up with him...
Why does everyone I love hurt me?
I love him so much, but dont know if it will work out.
Justin the miserable.
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
Here I am...
Nothing has really changed much lately, so I have not really been doing many posts.
Things are great between R and myself. There have been a few bumps in the road but our relationship is stronger than ever. I hope stay together for a long, long time.
Even though I am perfectly happy spending my days here being a housewife, I am starting to get bored. I cant wait until I can get a job. Hopefully something easy, not too physical, and pays decent. I have such low expectations, I should have no problem finding something.
M is supposed to come visit us this weekend. I have not mentioned it to R yet. Things change so much with M that I dont want to bring it up until I know M is coming for sure. I did say to R last night that M was wanting to come visit soon, I just didnt say how soon...
If M's visit goes well I will definitely convince both R and M that M moving here is a good idea. Then I will have no problem getting driven back and forth to a job until I can afford to buy a car.
I am thinking that if I can get them to like each other it might even be fun living with the two of the them. M is so unhappy living with his family. They treat him like shit and he continues to let them run all over him. I can only imagine what it must be like living with your two aunts who are at least 13 years older than you...you know, they treat like a child.
Well, I dont really have much else to talk about right now....my life is almost exactly the same from day to day. I dont mind it that much. But I am really kind-of looking forward to a change.
Until next time,
Justin
Things are great between R and myself. There have been a few bumps in the road but our relationship is stronger than ever. I hope stay together for a long, long time.
Even though I am perfectly happy spending my days here being a housewife, I am starting to get bored. I cant wait until I can get a job. Hopefully something easy, not too physical, and pays decent. I have such low expectations, I should have no problem finding something.
M is supposed to come visit us this weekend. I have not mentioned it to R yet. Things change so much with M that I dont want to bring it up until I know M is coming for sure. I did say to R last night that M was wanting to come visit soon, I just didnt say how soon...
If M's visit goes well I will definitely convince both R and M that M moving here is a good idea. Then I will have no problem getting driven back and forth to a job until I can afford to buy a car.
I am thinking that if I can get them to like each other it might even be fun living with the two of the them. M is so unhappy living with his family. They treat him like shit and he continues to let them run all over him. I can only imagine what it must be like living with your two aunts who are at least 13 years older than you...you know, they treat like a child.
Well, I dont really have much else to talk about right now....my life is almost exactly the same from day to day. I dont mind it that much. But I am really kind-of looking forward to a change.
Until next time,
Justin
Sunday, January 13, 2008
Weekend Recap
I had a fantastic weekend with my husband...so on with the recap.
Friday R decided he wanted to go out to dinner. After we drove around Tulsa for about an hour trying to decide on a place that wasnt too busy, we went to Ruby Tuesday. It was good and I am sure we will eat there again.
Saturday we spent the day messing around. We went to lunch and then into Tulsa. We went to a couple of furniture stores and then some thrift stores but didnt buy anything. We hung out and enjoyed each other's company. We then spent the evening hanging out at home drinking wine and making dinner together. Dinner was great, we had steak with pasta and wine. Then watched some tv and continued hanging out.
Today, Sunday we have hung out at home doing stuff that needed to be done. Like hanging pictures and touching up some spots on the wall with paint. We moved around some furniture and changed a few things in the bedroom and dining room. I do appreciate that R has made an effort to use some of my ideas so this feels like our house and not just his. I think the place looks great now. In the next couple of years we will get new furniture for the bedroom and living room and completely re=do both rooms...but for now it looks great with what we have to work with.
So, here it is Sunday early evening...we just finished up an early dinner of turkey with mashed potatoes and gravy and are now just hanging out.
L will be here this coming weekend and now that R knows exactly how I feel ( about L sleeping in our room while I sleep elsewhere ) I am anticipating a fun weekend. Yesterday was L's birthday so this coming visit will be his b-day with dad. We are going bowling and then who-knows-what else...like I said before, it should be a fun weekend.
Until next time...
Much Luv,
Justin, content
Friday R decided he wanted to go out to dinner. After we drove around Tulsa for about an hour trying to decide on a place that wasnt too busy, we went to Ruby Tuesday. It was good and I am sure we will eat there again.
Saturday we spent the day messing around. We went to lunch and then into Tulsa. We went to a couple of furniture stores and then some thrift stores but didnt buy anything. We hung out and enjoyed each other's company. We then spent the evening hanging out at home drinking wine and making dinner together. Dinner was great, we had steak with pasta and wine. Then watched some tv and continued hanging out.
Today, Sunday we have hung out at home doing stuff that needed to be done. Like hanging pictures and touching up some spots on the wall with paint. We moved around some furniture and changed a few things in the bedroom and dining room. I do appreciate that R has made an effort to use some of my ideas so this feels like our house and not just his. I think the place looks great now. In the next couple of years we will get new furniture for the bedroom and living room and completely re=do both rooms...but for now it looks great with what we have to work with.
So, here it is Sunday early evening...we just finished up an early dinner of turkey with mashed potatoes and gravy and are now just hanging out.
L will be here this coming weekend and now that R knows exactly how I feel ( about L sleeping in our room while I sleep elsewhere ) I am anticipating a fun weekend. Yesterday was L's birthday so this coming visit will be his b-day with dad. We are going bowling and then who-knows-what else...like I said before, it should be a fun weekend.
Until next time...
Much Luv,
Justin, content
Thursday, January 10, 2008
Hmm...
Life is good.
No news, be it good or bad. Everything is still going very well.
There's just one thing...I seem to have lost my sex drive. I am still attracted to R, I just dont ever seem to want sex. R has been asking for it for the last two or three days and last night I gave in.
I didnt want sex at all. The whole time I was hoping it was almost over. R didnt do anything wrong or anything that I dont like, I just wasnt into it. I cant figure this out. Why do I all of a sudden not want sex anymore? I am not doing anyone else or even masturbating, so it's puzzling...
I cant exactly talk to R about this either. He thinks I dont want him anymore, or that there's someone else. Somehow I have got to get myself jazzed up for more sex. R told me the other
night that he didnt think I was physically attracted to him anymore and "If we dont have anything physical then we dont have anything at all." So, I guess I better want more sex or I will be dumped. Or at least that's how it sounded. If we dont have sex as regular as he would like he pouts, so it's not like it's he doesnt notice. He pressures me a lot...he would tell you that he doesnt but I am here to tell you that he does. Maybe if he wasnt all over me all the time I would want more sex. ??? I think so...
I know this post was about R but it was not bitching. Or whining and crying. So, I think this one is acceptable.
Much luv,
Justin, who has lost his mojo
No news, be it good or bad. Everything is still going very well.
There's just one thing...I seem to have lost my sex drive. I am still attracted to R, I just dont ever seem to want sex. R has been asking for it for the last two or three days and last night I gave in.
I didnt want sex at all. The whole time I was hoping it was almost over. R didnt do anything wrong or anything that I dont like, I just wasnt into it. I cant figure this out. Why do I all of a sudden not want sex anymore? I am not doing anyone else or even masturbating, so it's puzzling...
I cant exactly talk to R about this either. He thinks I dont want him anymore, or that there's someone else. Somehow I have got to get myself jazzed up for more sex. R told me the other
night that he didnt think I was physically attracted to him anymore and "If we dont have anything physical then we dont have anything at all." So, I guess I better want more sex or I will be dumped. Or at least that's how it sounded. If we dont have sex as regular as he would like he pouts, so it's not like it's he doesnt notice. He pressures me a lot...he would tell you that he doesnt but I am here to tell you that he does. Maybe if he wasnt all over me all the time I would want more sex. ??? I think so...
I know this post was about R but it was not bitching. Or whining and crying. So, I think this one is acceptable.
Much luv,
Justin, who has lost his mojo
Tuesday, January 08, 2008
It's Tuesday...
And there's nothing to report.
Life is going good. Still a housewife and mother.
My Mom came over last night. That was the most exciting thing that's happened in the last couple days. She came by to get the paperwork to send off for my birth certificate. I will need it to get a new ID, which is needed to get a job. I hope it comes soon.
I am currently on the phone with M. He is up to the same old thing. Still living in Ar. Still working for Jack & Tim. They are selling their house and building a new one and he seems to think he will move in with them and become their non-sexual houseboy. I dont see it happening...bcs they expect the sex, especially if he is living with them.
Over all I dont really have any complaints. My husband can be annoying as shit sometimes, but I am sure I annoy him too. I would say that we have a pretty good relationship now.
much luv,
Justin, out
Life is going good. Still a housewife and mother.
My Mom came over last night. That was the most exciting thing that's happened in the last couple days. She came by to get the paperwork to send off for my birth certificate. I will need it to get a new ID, which is needed to get a job. I hope it comes soon.
I am currently on the phone with M. He is up to the same old thing. Still living in Ar. Still working for Jack & Tim. They are selling their house and building a new one and he seems to think he will move in with them and become their non-sexual houseboy. I dont see it happening...bcs they expect the sex, especially if he is living with them.
Over all I dont really have any complaints. My husband can be annoying as shit sometimes, but I am sure I annoy him too. I would say that we have a pretty good relationship now.
much luv,
Justin, out
Sunday, January 06, 2008
Sunday morning musings...
It's Sunday and we just finished up breakfast...that I cooked. I must say it was great. Sausage, eggs, and biscuits and gravy. Yum.
I just realized that I now have almost everything I ever wanted. An adoring husband, a stepchild that's not annoying, ( and that doesnt live with us full-time ) and a lovely home. I have always wanted to be a housewife and mother... I know it's weird but I cant change how I am.
I am a little nervous bcs it could all disappear in an instant but I wont allow that to interfere with my happiness. It would be irrational for me to do that. I am going to live in the moment and enjoy things...
I do love my life with R. He does make me happy, even if I am not always able to tell him so out loud.
Gotta go, y'all.
Much luv,
Justin, the best gay stepmother EVER!!!
I just realized that I now have almost everything I ever wanted. An adoring husband, a stepchild that's not annoying, ( and that doesnt live with us full-time ) and a lovely home. I have always wanted to be a housewife and mother... I know it's weird but I cant change how I am.
I am a little nervous bcs it could all disappear in an instant but I wont allow that to interfere with my happiness. It would be irrational for me to do that. I am going to live in the moment and enjoy things...
I do love my life with R. He does make me happy, even if I am not always able to tell him so out loud.
Gotta go, y'all.
Much luv,
Justin, the best gay stepmother EVER!!!
Saturday, January 05, 2008
Day to Day
Things are going pretty good.
Nothing good or bad to report.
R and I are getting along good. Little spats here and there, you know normal couple "discussions."
Overall, my day to day life is good. Nothing to really complain about. My back has been hurting pretty bad lately, but I have come to expect it so it's not really newsworthy :(
L is still here, until tomorrow. Even though this has been a four day visit, it hasnt been bad at all.
I really do like the kid. He can be a bit hyper now and then but that's just a normal kid.
Things have been going good but there's still something bothering me. I cant quite put my finger on it though. I think I will feel more content once I get a job. I do want to go back to work but am also kind of hesitant about it too. I just hate the thought of me working and then coming home to all the housework too...bcs I know that's whats in store. R has said he will help me out once I am working but I dont really see him doing too much...especially not the laundry.
I am out of thing to say...for now.
Much luv,
Justin
Nothing good or bad to report.
R and I are getting along good. Little spats here and there, you know normal couple "discussions."
Overall, my day to day life is good. Nothing to really complain about. My back has been hurting pretty bad lately, but I have come to expect it so it's not really newsworthy :(
L is still here, until tomorrow. Even though this has been a four day visit, it hasnt been bad at all.
I really do like the kid. He can be a bit hyper now and then but that's just a normal kid.
Things have been going good but there's still something bothering me. I cant quite put my finger on it though. I think I will feel more content once I get a job. I do want to go back to work but am also kind of hesitant about it too. I just hate the thought of me working and then coming home to all the housework too...bcs I know that's whats in store. R has said he will help me out once I am working but I dont really see him doing too much...especially not the laundry.
I am out of thing to say...for now.
Much luv,
Justin
Friday, January 04, 2008
Happy times :)
I am quite happy right now.
Things are going great between R and myself. I think we are finally past all the nonsense and have fallen into a comfortable and content relationship.
L has been here for a couple days and things are going great with that too. I think it's great that he chose to spend that last days of his Christmas break here with his dad and me. He is a good kid, I had no trouble at all yesterday with him ( he stayed home with me while R was working.)
I am happy and intend to do everything I can to stay that way.
Anyone happy for me?
Much luv,
Justin
Things are going great between R and myself. I think we are finally past all the nonsense and have fallen into a comfortable and content relationship.
L has been here for a couple days and things are going great with that too. I think it's great that he chose to spend that last days of his Christmas break here with his dad and me. He is a good kid, I had no trouble at all yesterday with him ( he stayed home with me while R was working.)
I am happy and intend to do everything I can to stay that way.
Anyone happy for me?
Much luv,
Justin
Tuesday, January 01, 2008
Happy New Year
Well, it's officially 2008...and I do not have any good predictions for this year. I did have high hopes for it but you really never know.
I am beginning to think of New Year's Eve as just another day. A shitty one at that. I wont elaborate, just know that it prolly wont be any better than last year.
I almost hate the entire Holiday season.
I gotta go for now, I am so tired of bitching about shit on this blog that I wont be doing many posts unless I have something semi upbeat to say. I will be posting about things that happen but will try to keep the negative stuff to a minimum...of course it might be difficult considering the relationship I am currently in.
Justin 2008
I am beginning to think of New Year's Eve as just another day. A shitty one at that. I wont elaborate, just know that it prolly wont be any better than last year.
I almost hate the entire Holiday season.
I gotta go for now, I am so tired of bitching about shit on this blog that I wont be doing many posts unless I have something semi upbeat to say. I will be posting about things that happen but will try to keep the negative stuff to a minimum...of course it might be difficult considering the relationship I am currently in.
Justin 2008
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