2009 recap

Well, while I did not do many posts this last year it does not mean there was not a lot going on for me...oh, Lord, where to begin...

First of all, my job is pretty good. It could be much worse...much, much worse. The only bad thing is that I dont make enough money to live on my own. I cant believe I would have to work two jobs just to support myself. Well, it does look like it is coming to that too.

Yep, you guessed it. R and I had it out big time today. I am so sick and tired of coming on here just to bitch about him. I have no one else to talk to about him. My family is out bcs I have been dumb enough to stay with him and could not risk them not liking him...for obvious reasons. Same deal with my friends...not that I have any. I am so alone. Trapped in an distrusting and empty marriage and have alienated everyone else except my family for said marriage. I now hate R so much I cant stand it. It is Christmas in a couple days and this shit happens. I had a feeling it would. It is kinda weird how this happened this time. I ignored feelings and vibes ( unaccounted for time for R and a strange number in his phone that I didnt call ) only to be smacked in the face with it. I logged onto his laptop and opened mozilla firefox and it told me there was too many tabs open and something, something and gave me the option to restore the previous session, which I did. What opened really hit me hard: his yahoo email, manhunt, and the casual encounters page on craigslist. Those three tabs together is not a coincidence either. There is no believable reason for it. R said he doesnt have to justify himself to me ( hello, we are in a relationship here! ) and insisted that he had done nothing wrong. I do not believe this shit for a second bcs he would rather die than admit anything to me.

So now, what to do? Should I stay with him and hope he is telling the truth? Should I leave him and start a horrible life living with my mother in a one bedroom apt? Unless I stay with R until I get my heiress check, I have no other options right now. It eats me to the core that this keeps happening and I have to overlook it just to have a place to live. Well, I guess I really dont have to, but choose to. Why do I choose to? Why dont I want to leave him? Maybe I am not as strong as I thought...or maybe I am just scared.

I was so looking forward to the holidays this year. He ruins everything for me. He ruined Thanksgiving, and always starts something with me when we are going to see my family. Literally, each time we are on our way to my moms he starts some shit. I fucking hate him. I fucking hate him so fucking much. I have been so on edge lately with these weird feelings eating at me...and now I know why.

I hope my leaving him will change him for the better...as a wake up call and that he does not get back on drugs and let himself go. I want good things for him...even if they dont include me.

Fuck, I am tired of sitting here swallowed up in emotion. I am numb from all the cecil but still...

My life was so good. And now its over.

Justin, so overloaded I cant think of an adjective to end my post like I always do...damn it.

Oh Lord...life is complcated

Man, talk about overload for me lately.

First of all...I am now up to two deceased grandparents in the last two weeks...I was not close with the latest one ( great grandpa Heber ) but still.

Next we have the hives. I have been broke out in hives almost everyday for like three months now. I have taken the zyrtec like all the Dr's told me to. I am now taking a combo of zyrtec and benadryl just to keep them down. Each morning I hope they are not on my face ( like Thanksgiving ) or on my arms and noticeable at work. I go back to the derm next week and hopefully he can help me out. I just wish I could figure out what I am allergic to...I hope its not my dog.

Then theres my work. I am coming to dislike it. It has become a constant headache...covering shifts, waiting for people to come who come in late, and those not in uniform too. I have put my foot down and started passing out write ups but damn why does it have to come to this? I hate being the bad guy all the time...but then again, it is my job to enforce the rules. I do take my job seriously and realize this is just part of it.

Finally we have R. Things are pretty good with us right now. That's right, I am still with him. I may have jumped to conclusions with some of my accusations. I also wont be looking for trouble anymore either...what I dont know wont hurt me...I hope. I want to trust him but I just cant. I do love him and want a life with him but like everything else it is hard. Hopefully things will be alright with us and we will grow old together...

I am so out of sorts again lately. Not sure if its all the antihistamines I have been taking or everything weighing me down.

On a different note: I went to my real dad's for Thanksgiving. They noticed me so much no one mentioned the huge hive right by my left eye. I felt uncomfortable and we left before they even ate. We did have to get Luke anyway... My sister obviously hates me too. R thinks she is threatened by me...which is ridiculous! Although she has my dad all to herself all these years....so how knows. She is so cold to me and would not even look me in the eye. Oh well, not everyone is going to be a fan.

Justin, all broke out

the bottom dropped out...

Well, things had been going well for me lately. Until a couple days ago they got really shitty.

Firstly, my grandma died thurs morning at 4:50 am. I was there and spoke to her before she passed...thankfully. It was my dad's mom, Jewel. She was 90 yrs old and had always had a lot of health problems for as long as I can remember. She will be missed by many.

Next we have R. He decided that the best time to cheat on me would be when I was in the hospital watching my grandma die. So nice of him, right? He is a real class act. I discovered a tulsa cricket phone number in his phone that he had called a couple of times and called it myself. It was of course a gay dude on the message... R will not admit anything. He is such a sneaky piece of shit. He just lied to me about meeting up with an old trick of his in the city last week but he insists that they only had lunch... like I am so stupid to believe him. So, now I will be moving out next week when I can get it all together and leave for good in one trip. God, how I hate him now. He has made me the fool for the last time.

Justin, completely fucked up about it.

So long, no post

Well, things are good with me right now.

I am constantly busy running my store...being the sole manager with no assistant can be rough.

Things with R and me are good right now too. Nothing major to report...it seems we finally settled into a comfortable existence with each other. I do love him so...we celebrated our 2 year anniversary last week. We went to dinner and then to the casino for drinks...we both had free money points come in the mail so its not like we wasted any money gambling...

Also, this week is my b-day. I am 33 this year. I cant believe it. I am now in my mid thirties....
But, I am finally in a great relationship. I am gainfully employed at a job where I am my own boss. I have a car that gets me around. I have my own bank account with which I pay my own bills. I am also still in good health too. I have a great family that I adore...especially my sisters kids. So, all in all my life is pretty damn good.

There is only one thing that is missing. It is my grams. I miss her so damn much. She has always been my biggest fan and life without her around is different for me even after so long. I do see her from time to time and talk to her on the phone though. I am more thankful than I have the words to express that she forgave me and allowed me back into her life and loves me just as unconditionally now and she did before all the stupid shit I did to her while she was trying to help me...God, I hope one day I can get past the guilt.

So, thats about it. Life is good, almost great. I am thankful for everything I have...and happy that I do, in fact have a life worth living and being grateful for.

Justin, 33

Man, what a hard day

I woke up this morning mad at R...over the whole situation with my mom. I cant help it. He seems like such a cold, heartless person. I have thought this before too. I dont really think he is but I am wrestling with it right now...

Is this relationship really right for me? Do I really want to be with someone I dont trust?
Just when I think things are going good...I get hit with reality. Perhaps I ignore things just to make life more tolerable...?

My day at work was just as bad. I had to write up my favorite employee...K. He had already had a bad day and started to cry. It just about killed me to see the pain in his eyes. I cant stand to see anyone cry...especially someone I care about. It was really hard.

But my real problem is R. How do I go on from here with him feeling so bitter towards him? How do I forgive him for making me tell my mom no and making her cry? Its my mom of all people...I mean, come on. There is not a person I know that would stay with him after this. Or, am I over reacting? I dont think so ....but sometimes I am glib. Just sometimes...I dont consider all the details or think things thru and I misread the situation...I guess everyone does.

Its weird how quickly things change...without any warning.

I just hate days like this...that really test me. I cant help but wonder....is it over? Did I pass?

Justin, fucked up.

Oh Lord, where to start...

First of all, work is really stressful. Not more than I can handle...but it sure takes its toll.

R and I are getting along...or at least we were. My parents are getting a divorce and my mother wants to move in with us for while. I thought that would be ideal but now R has decided that he does not think its a good idea. This puts me in the middle of both of them. And makes him seem very cold. If it were his sister or something he would not even hesitate to let them move in without even consulting me...but since this is his house, I have no say in anything. It is making me bitter towards him because I dont understand why he is so adamant about her not staying with us...it makes him seem heartless. And cold.

So, here I am stuck in the middle of my Mother who has always been there for me and the heartless cheater I am married to...but who I love very much. Man, just when my life was going good...at least I didnt get fired from my job or anything... Although, this has been a wake up call for me. If R and I split up I would be in the same position...except without being able to stay with my sister or my grandfather. So mom does have a place to stay...but neither is convenient.

Well, here I go to have a talk with R...I hope it does not end in screaming.


Justin, determined to save some money so he does not end up homeless again.

out of sorts

Lately I am feeling really weird. Not sure why, or even what I am feeling...

Everything is getting me down. It seems like every way I turn there is adversity. I heard once that "those who face adversity become adverse themselves." I am starting to thing thats true.

I normally have no problem staying strong and facing down any challenge. Lately my work has beaten me down. I am exhausted and about ready to walk away from it... there is only so many hard days one can handle...even me.

Things are good between R and I right now. No major issues or huge blowups lately. That is a relief...who knew he would become the stable, dependable one in my life. He is my husband but not nearly as strong as I am so leaning on him makes me feel bad sometimes... I do love him so...

Tonights post is some random thoughts that I just typed out in the moment.

Another...is that my sister and I seem to be close again. I am still hurt that she didnt invite me to or even tell me about her wedding until days after...but I just ignore those feelings and think about the flimsy excuse that she gave me...it makes sense, right?

My mother? Things are alright there too. I feel like an outsider a lot with her and my sister bcs they are so close now and spend so much time together...but I dont have kids. And am in a gay relationship that I dont try to hide. And am a huge flamer too. I am surprised she invited me to a softball game tonight...but they invited me at the last second and only bcs they felt sorry for me. I had just talked to them both on the phone and they both knew that I knew they are going to a game less than five miles from my house. Back to my mom. I appreciate all she has done for me but she makes me feel like I am a nuicance a lot. Maybe thats just me...

Well, I think I am done for now.

Justin, not himself.

Life...

...has been pretty rough lately.

Work is crazy right now...put in 56 hrs this week and no day off for another 5 days too. I just hope it is all worth it later. I have been promised my own store.

My relationship with R has been like a roller coaster. It is constant up and down with us...
He has been cheating and did in fact cheat while he was in Portland...he never admitted the whole truth or what he did with how many people though. I caught him, and this time he admitted it and we are seeing a counselor. I hope this is worth it too. I dont trust him and maybe I never will...

My sister and J got married two days ago. I was not invited...I was called and informed. She said the only people she invited were her witnesses...our parents. So, I was the only one in our "family" that was not there...which really hurts. I am very happy for her and wish them a lifetime of enviable happiness together though. If anybody deserves ( and has worked for ) a good life its my sister...I love her so much and hope all her dreams come true.

Back to my dreams... and I have no clue what they might be....I am unhappy with my life the way it is but am terrified to try to make any changes. I have been out of school for so long and have done so many drugs that I am afraid I wont be able to learn anything. I really do want a change tho...its just easier said than done. I cant imagine how hard it would be for me to try to get a degree, work enough to support myself, and maintain a relationship with R all at the same time. My sister makes it happen bcs her husband is trustworthy and they have a solid relationship. I can not say the same. Becoming the store mgr of a subway would be great...but I really dont think I like making sandwiches...but enjoy the rest of the job. Weird, right? I am so torn and confused by my entire life right now...everything is so unsettled....

On top of everything else...my back has been hurting a lot lately. I mean fucking killing like it used to...man, this is all I need.

So,
Will R and I make it?
Will I get my own store? Soon...?

Justin, pretty much freaked out.

Wow...I cant believe its been so long

So much has happened, so much has changed.

I am still with R. Our relationship is rocky right now but hopefully getting better and more stable and trusting with the help of a counselor. I wont really go into all of it right now bcs this post is about something more...

I am still employed at Subway. I am the asst at the store I work at now and have been promised my own store by the owner. I can not wait for this to happen for so many reasons. One of those being the money. Another being that as a current store mgr I should have no problem ever finding another job at a rest as the mgr.

Tomorrow is my ten year anniversary. Ten long years with a horrible, fatal disease. I cant believe I have made it this far doing so well...especially considering I was a drug addict for about four of those years...and considering those were recent years while I was taking meds too. I am so thankful and consider myself very lucky to be in good health and able to do the things I do in a day ( like put away a 60 something case truck in 10 minutes. )

I usually celebrate this day eating dinner with my family. Sadly, this year my grams wont be able to attend. She is still living in Ks with my aunt. I miss her more than anything. Of all the things I lost due to drugs, she is what hurts the most. I still talk to her and see her occasionally but its not the same. I think about her all the time and have some guilt over everything that happened. She has forgiven more but it kills me to think about how things would be if she had not. She has always been the only one I knew for sure was in my corner...no matter what I could count on her. I still can but still...its not the same. I started watching dancing with the stars and cry each time bcs we always watched it together. I just wish she really knew how truly sorry I am and that I really have changed this time. I really am different...

This year I am going to eat with mom ( who cant make it until 6:45 bcs she cant miss her kick boxing class ) and my sister. I do love them both, but these days I am really just an outsider with the two of them. I knew this would happen eventually but I didnt know it would hurt so much...although they have recently started to include me in some things. I suppose I should be thankful they allow me in their lives and have forgiven me too. R will be coming with us too. I am glad my family likes him. Mom likes him a little too much... her take on it is that if I am with R she does not have to worry. My sister likes him too which is nice. I am thinking it should be a nice dinner. I will be thinking about grams the whole time though...

Did I mentioin I got a car? Yep, got it all on my own. I real loan in just my own name and everything. I was expecting to have to buy from an in-house finance kind of place and pay twice too much for some piece of shit that I would be embarrassed to drive. I ended up getting a PT Cruiser. It is the limited edition and very nice. 2002 with only 79k miles for only $7000. I hope it lasts and is a good car.

All in all my life is not bad right now. I have a lot to be thankful for but still a lot of work to do.

Justin, optimistic.

let's catch up

This is my first post in the new year...hope it is a happy one for everyone.

My New Year's this year was kinda dull...which is ok with me. At least it was not horrible and there was no drama or bullshit.

Things have changed a little for me. I am now working at Subway. I started today and it was not bad. Of course it was my first day and you never can tell that soon...but so far, so good. At least it is daytime hours...which means I can be home at night with R.

Speaking of R... he and I are doing alright lately. There has been quite a few little spats but overall nothing major. This could change as I am typing this so wish me luck.

I am just at odds right now. So much can change, should change for me but I am so impatient. I am so fucking ready for things to turn around for me. I just cant stand waiting anymore. Soon I will have a car ( most likely not a car I really want but still a car ) and things will really change then. I will prolly get a second job to save some duckets should I need them...just in case my car should break down or perhaps need to find a place to live. I sure hope not but you just never know.

Well, it's 2009 and I cant believe it. I was not ready to let go of 2008...I had more to accomplish in that year. Damn it, 2009 will be the year I make it all happen. No more sitting around...

Justin, hopeful