The unthinkable happened today...
My beloved little sweetheart Dodger got killed by our neighbors dogs like my Brownie did last March. This time was much, much worse though. I happen to be out in the backyard this morning picking up trash and stuff. I heard a really loud yelp and turned around and only saw Cookie. I ran over to the fence and jumped up and saw Dodger in their yard. I jumped over the fence and their dogs ran off and my precious little sweetheart was lying there on the ground. He was still breathing and I could not get him back over the privacy fence without hurting him so I yelled for R to come outside and help. By the time he got out there and we got him over to our side he was gone. I was so devastated...I could not let him go. I carried him around forever wrapped up in a towel. I just could not bear the thought that he was gone. Now, I cant stand the thought that he is outside down in the cold ground all alone without me. I miss him so much already. I am so in shock that this shit happened again. I hate that I was outside right when it all happened but I could not do anything to help him bcs I didnt get to him in time. He layed there and died right in front of me just like Brownie and killed by the same dog too. Man, talk about a rough day.
The worst part is that L was here for it too. This was our weekend with him. He was in the house with R when it actually happened thankfully. He was very upset and cried a lot...just like we all did...especially when we buried him. It hurts so much to have lost another pet. This is my third in the last year or so. First was Andy...who I blogged about back in 2006. Then Brownie...we could not save him even though we took him immediately to the vet...but he still died in my arms. And now today, Dodger. I wish I had picked him up so he would not have died laying on the ground. I didnt know he would go so quickly. This is the saddest part to all that has happened to my lately. I saved him from a lady who had big dogs that picked on him and thought I was keeping him safe but it didnt happen that way. R had just fixed the fence last weekend so we had no idea there was a new hole...he had filled it in last weekend too.
The police came ( for the third time this month. ) And so did animal control. There is nothing they will really do since there is no city ordinance about dog on dog violence. We can sue them but that will most likely cost more than we will get in damages anyway. Overall, I dont care about getting money from them. I just want them to pay attention and keep up on the fence maintence. They said they would put their electric fence back up. I hope so bcs I am scared for Cookie to be out there. I would not be able to handle something happening to Cookie. He is my baby and he has always been... He usually wants little or nothing to do with anyone else but me. Daschaunds are like that. They pick one person and cling to them...or at least that is what I read online about them. I was that person to Brownie and Dodger too. I am the one that cares for their needs so it was natual they would choose me...plus I spent the most time with them.
So, to sum up. In the last couple weeks:
My house was broken into and all my jewelry was stolen...along with other things too.
My marriage almost collapsed and I got into a physical fight with R and the police came.
My marriage has been horrible since getting back together and I dont know if it can be saved.
My dog got murdered right in front of my eyes.
There is not much more I can handle right now...and am hoping for some peace and calmness...
Justin, sad.
Sunday, November 09, 2008
Saturday, November 08, 2008
So confused....still
Well, R and I are still together...for now anyway.
Things are strained to say the least. We are still fighting a lot. The weird part is that it is always the same fight over and over. Nothing much gets resolved. I am willing to admit my faults and realize what should be done to try to change but R refuses to acknowledge any wrong doing in everything. He just wants to turn everything around on me. I of course, force him to face reality and realize his faults and his part of the blame in whatever happens to be happening at that moment.
Our biggest issue is still sex. R's whole world revolves around sex and if he has it or not. I had been hopeful that as time went on that this problem would diminish some but it has not. And prolly wont ever. He just can not get past that mind set. I guess he spent too much time being a meth head and having tons of drugged up anonymous sex to come back from it. I, on the other hand could care less about having sex everyday. A couple or three times a week is plenty for me. I also refuse to be in a sex based relationship too. We have been together and lived together for over a year and that is long enough that we should not have to have a sex based relationship to remain close to each other. It is now and has always been our biggest issue. Well, that and trust.
So, what should I do now? Do I leave him? My brain tells me to...I caught him cheating again this week...I discovered naked pics of a dude in his email and it took him three days before he could be honest and admit how and why they were there...for the longest he insisted that he didnt know how they got there, who the dude was, and that he had not even seen them. I know it was bullshit bcs he always does this. He fucks up, I find out and confront him, he denies it as long as he can, but then finally comes clean when he cant lie anymore. He chatted with some dude on yahoo messanger ( alegedley ) but didnt meet him or fuck him. But he immediately took a shower when we got home from work the night on the date the pics were sent. He, in his mind does not think he did anything wrong...which means he will just keep doing it over and over.
Hell, this is prolly the 13th time this shit has happened anyway. I cant believe I fell for another fucking cheater. I just knew this time it would be different...bcs I chose a different kind of guy. But, I guess it does not matter what they look like, how old they are, or their lifestyle and job...all gay men are the same. At least the ones that I have met are....all lying cheaters. I really should have known this would happen bcs of the drugs and stuff but I thought that after a while all that would fade from his mind...like I said, wishful thinking, right?
How the fuck can I possibly stay with him and make it work? Each time I start to be nice and want to forgive and forget...he starts acting hateful. And stays hateful and silent for days. Then, I stay hateful and silent for days after him. Viscious cycle, but we cant seem to get past that either.
He has pushed me too far to want to be the bigger, better person. I simply dont care. I cant allow myself to get too emotionally involved when he might cheat or throw me out of his house again any day now. He does act as if he wants things to get better and stay together... but I cant help but wonder why. If he really loved me and really wanted to be with me, he would not be doing all these shitty things that he should have to make up for. I could never, ever cheat on someone that I loved. Never. I have cheated to get back at someone after they cheated on me...but that was years ago. And not since. I have not had any sort of anything with anyone since the day I met R. I meant it when I told him I loved him.
I just want my life to calm down and be peaceful...even if that means leaving R. If we cant work out our differences and be happy together, then we should not be miserable together....
I sometimes wonder if R does want to break it off with me but does not have the heart to tell me and that is why he could cheat. Or, maybe he is just a dog. Who really knows for sure? It's not like R can be counted on to really tell the truth. Man, there is just so much to get past. Like, last night when he left me in town and came home without me. I had to have a co-worker drive me home...and was humilitated about it too. He expected me to have sex with him after that too! Can you imagine? Needless to say, we didnt know a damn thing. I didnt even want to lay beside him I was so hurt and mad. He said he forgot...which was no defense at all. See, if he can forget me so easily on something as driving home, then he should have no problem forgetting me when he is having sex with someone else...God my life is so incredibly great.
Oh, and I hate my job too. It was torture every second.
Justin, absolutely fucking miserable.
Things are strained to say the least. We are still fighting a lot. The weird part is that it is always the same fight over and over. Nothing much gets resolved. I am willing to admit my faults and realize what should be done to try to change but R refuses to acknowledge any wrong doing in everything. He just wants to turn everything around on me. I of course, force him to face reality and realize his faults and his part of the blame in whatever happens to be happening at that moment.
Our biggest issue is still sex. R's whole world revolves around sex and if he has it or not. I had been hopeful that as time went on that this problem would diminish some but it has not. And prolly wont ever. He just can not get past that mind set. I guess he spent too much time being a meth head and having tons of drugged up anonymous sex to come back from it. I, on the other hand could care less about having sex everyday. A couple or three times a week is plenty for me. I also refuse to be in a sex based relationship too. We have been together and lived together for over a year and that is long enough that we should not have to have a sex based relationship to remain close to each other. It is now and has always been our biggest issue. Well, that and trust.
So, what should I do now? Do I leave him? My brain tells me to...I caught him cheating again this week...I discovered naked pics of a dude in his email and it took him three days before he could be honest and admit how and why they were there...for the longest he insisted that he didnt know how they got there, who the dude was, and that he had not even seen them. I know it was bullshit bcs he always does this. He fucks up, I find out and confront him, he denies it as long as he can, but then finally comes clean when he cant lie anymore. He chatted with some dude on yahoo messanger ( alegedley ) but didnt meet him or fuck him. But he immediately took a shower when we got home from work the night on the date the pics were sent. He, in his mind does not think he did anything wrong...which means he will just keep doing it over and over.
Hell, this is prolly the 13th time this shit has happened anyway. I cant believe I fell for another fucking cheater. I just knew this time it would be different...bcs I chose a different kind of guy. But, I guess it does not matter what they look like, how old they are, or their lifestyle and job...all gay men are the same. At least the ones that I have met are....all lying cheaters. I really should have known this would happen bcs of the drugs and stuff but I thought that after a while all that would fade from his mind...like I said, wishful thinking, right?
How the fuck can I possibly stay with him and make it work? Each time I start to be nice and want to forgive and forget...he starts acting hateful. And stays hateful and silent for days. Then, I stay hateful and silent for days after him. Viscious cycle, but we cant seem to get past that either.
He has pushed me too far to want to be the bigger, better person. I simply dont care. I cant allow myself to get too emotionally involved when he might cheat or throw me out of his house again any day now. He does act as if he wants things to get better and stay together... but I cant help but wonder why. If he really loved me and really wanted to be with me, he would not be doing all these shitty things that he should have to make up for. I could never, ever cheat on someone that I loved. Never. I have cheated to get back at someone after they cheated on me...but that was years ago. And not since. I have not had any sort of anything with anyone since the day I met R. I meant it when I told him I loved him.
I just want my life to calm down and be peaceful...even if that means leaving R. If we cant work out our differences and be happy together, then we should not be miserable together....
I sometimes wonder if R does want to break it off with me but does not have the heart to tell me and that is why he could cheat. Or, maybe he is just a dog. Who really knows for sure? It's not like R can be counted on to really tell the truth. Man, there is just so much to get past. Like, last night when he left me in town and came home without me. I had to have a co-worker drive me home...and was humilitated about it too. He expected me to have sex with him after that too! Can you imagine? Needless to say, we didnt know a damn thing. I didnt even want to lay beside him I was so hurt and mad. He said he forgot...which was no defense at all. See, if he can forget me so easily on something as driving home, then he should have no problem forgetting me when he is having sex with someone else...God my life is so incredibly great.
Oh, and I hate my job too. It was torture every second.
Justin, absolutely fucking miserable.
Tuesday, November 04, 2008
I can not fucking believe it!
In the last couple weeks R and I have been thru a lot. Including a fist fight...pretty much my first ever...and I am 32...and it was with my husband. It was very weird and L was here for it too. I dont want to go into it right now...but we got back together. I moved back in his house and things seemed to be going alright. Oh yeah, he had the police come and make me move out of the house. He called them bcs he wanted me to leave immediately and I was not going without my things...anyway, the police let me get my things and no one pressed any charges. Things were getting back to normal when we suddenly got into it again. Over sex as always... We didnt have sex one night and he thought I had led him on all day ( I didnt ) so he was hurt and pissed. Well, we have been fighting a lot for the past couple days over the sex thing and have not really had all the way intercourse either...we did but he didnt get to finish the way he likes so to him it didnt count.
Well, today I get a very weird feeling. I call him at my last break and he freaks out. He kept saying " you want to come home now?" But then he insisted he was not at home. Weird for him to ask it like that if he was at work.... Well, he picks me up and is acting all strange like. He is saying his stomach hurts ( which I think is a cover story. ) We get home and he does not eat his dinner. He then takes a shower...which is very weird. I log into his yahoo email and find naked pics of a dude that were sent and read by Rodney at noon today. How the fuck did the guy get R's address? Why would he send them randomly today? If not asked to or something by R.
I just can not fucking believe I came back to him and his lying cheating ways. I am sure he will have some story and will stick to it to the end, but there is simply no explanation for how the pics got there other than the obvious. My main delima? Is that there is no way for me to confront him about the pics bcs I would have to tell him that I know his email password...which he will freak about...it does make me look kinda crazy but when your husband is a lying cheater you have to do whatever it takes...and he is kinda lazy to use the same password over and over on everything so it was not hard to figure out. So, what do I do? Stay with him and act like nothing is bothering me until I am better prepared to leave him? Do I confront him and have him turn everything around on me for opening his email? Damn, I am all kinds of confused.
I am fucked up about coming back to him and facing the reality that things will always be just the same...he will continue to do this and blame me for everything by saying that if I would take care of his needs he would not have to go elsewhere...is which absolutely stupid and a cop-out for not wanting to face his own despicable behavior. I cant believe I wasted over a year with who I thought was THE ONE only to find that he is just like all the rest...I guess I should have realized he would always be this way when he cheated last year and lied about it right to my face...over and over again he looked into my eyes and lied about it all the while knowing he got fucked by some stranger in California and then back here too including in our bedroom in our bed.
God, how could I have ignored those signs? Damn it....
Justin, single again...for the last fucking time.
Well, today I get a very weird feeling. I call him at my last break and he freaks out. He kept saying " you want to come home now?" But then he insisted he was not at home. Weird for him to ask it like that if he was at work.... Well, he picks me up and is acting all strange like. He is saying his stomach hurts ( which I think is a cover story. ) We get home and he does not eat his dinner. He then takes a shower...which is very weird. I log into his yahoo email and find naked pics of a dude that were sent and read by Rodney at noon today. How the fuck did the guy get R's address? Why would he send them randomly today? If not asked to or something by R.
I just can not fucking believe I came back to him and his lying cheating ways. I am sure he will have some story and will stick to it to the end, but there is simply no explanation for how the pics got there other than the obvious. My main delima? Is that there is no way for me to confront him about the pics bcs I would have to tell him that I know his email password...which he will freak about...it does make me look kinda crazy but when your husband is a lying cheater you have to do whatever it takes...and he is kinda lazy to use the same password over and over on everything so it was not hard to figure out. So, what do I do? Stay with him and act like nothing is bothering me until I am better prepared to leave him? Do I confront him and have him turn everything around on me for opening his email? Damn, I am all kinds of confused.
I am fucked up about coming back to him and facing the reality that things will always be just the same...he will continue to do this and blame me for everything by saying that if I would take care of his needs he would not have to go elsewhere...is which absolutely stupid and a cop-out for not wanting to face his own despicable behavior. I cant believe I wasted over a year with who I thought was THE ONE only to find that he is just like all the rest...I guess I should have realized he would always be this way when he cheated last year and lied about it right to my face...over and over again he looked into my eyes and lied about it all the while knowing he got fucked by some stranger in California and then back here too including in our bedroom in our bed.
God, how could I have ignored those signs? Damn it....
Justin, single again...for the last fucking time.
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