I am so tired of always being supportive to those who need it but never receiving any support in return. I feel myself turning cold on the inside...I really just dont fucking care anymore.
R and I have made up ( for now ) but things are so shifty they could change in a second. Since he has been home he has ignore me, been all whiny and moping around, and has slept like at least 12 hours a day, and is just weird acting...
I cant help but wonder what the fuck is going on with him. I just dont understand why he is acting the way he is...he has a great life and makes a lot of money, yet is still unhappy. My life is in the toilet right now ( walking to work as a waiter in a shitty little diner ) yet I remain positive and upbeat even though there is no chance for any change any time soon...well fuck it, I cant be uplifting and shit all the time for someone who should not even need it...and can not return the favor at all. Hell, he cant even manage a kind word now and then...
I am facing problems with my family too. I wont go into it but I will say that I am very unhappy. My relationship with most of them is just as shaky as my relationship with R...and that is rocky at best.
Justin, out...of patience.
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
Sunday, December 21, 2008
some things never change...
R has been out of town for business the last two weeks. While he has been gone, I have had this really weird vibe...which is never wrong.
He was unavailable for several hours at a time. Like, he didnt answer his phone and would call back hours later and say he was asleep. Which is very hard to believe bcs it is so unlike him.
I could tell he was acting weird yesterday when I picked him up. He was distant, quiet, and just acting strange. He acted like he could care less to see me or not. And, he had this really strange expression on his face.
The most incriminating thing is that he didnt even try to have sex with me last night. So, this morning, I checked his lap top. You know I found several things on it that should not be there. Like naked pics of himself, face pics of himself, and a pic of some strange man that I have never seen before. These were all saved to the desktop on his work lap top...which is very strange.
I should have known this would happen. I knew it would...my feelings are never wrong.
wonder what sorry ass explanations he will have this time...but he cant lie his way out of some strange mans naked pic being saved on his desktop...
Justin, fooled again
He was unavailable for several hours at a time. Like, he didnt answer his phone and would call back hours later and say he was asleep. Which is very hard to believe bcs it is so unlike him.
I could tell he was acting weird yesterday when I picked him up. He was distant, quiet, and just acting strange. He acted like he could care less to see me or not. And, he had this really strange expression on his face.
The most incriminating thing is that he didnt even try to have sex with me last night. So, this morning, I checked his lap top. You know I found several things on it that should not be there. Like naked pics of himself, face pics of himself, and a pic of some strange man that I have never seen before. These were all saved to the desktop on his work lap top...which is very strange.
I should have known this would happen. I knew it would...my feelings are never wrong.
wonder what sorry ass explanations he will have this time...but he cant lie his way out of some strange mans naked pic being saved on his desktop...
Justin, fooled again
Sunday, November 09, 2008
Dodger 11-09-08
The unthinkable happened today...
My beloved little sweetheart Dodger got killed by our neighbors dogs like my Brownie did last March. This time was much, much worse though. I happen to be out in the backyard this morning picking up trash and stuff. I heard a really loud yelp and turned around and only saw Cookie. I ran over to the fence and jumped up and saw Dodger in their yard. I jumped over the fence and their dogs ran off and my precious little sweetheart was lying there on the ground. He was still breathing and I could not get him back over the privacy fence without hurting him so I yelled for R to come outside and help. By the time he got out there and we got him over to our side he was gone. I was so devastated...I could not let him go. I carried him around forever wrapped up in a towel. I just could not bear the thought that he was gone. Now, I cant stand the thought that he is outside down in the cold ground all alone without me. I miss him so much already. I am so in shock that this shit happened again. I hate that I was outside right when it all happened but I could not do anything to help him bcs I didnt get to him in time. He layed there and died right in front of me just like Brownie and killed by the same dog too. Man, talk about a rough day.
The worst part is that L was here for it too. This was our weekend with him. He was in the house with R when it actually happened thankfully. He was very upset and cried a lot...just like we all did...especially when we buried him. It hurts so much to have lost another pet. This is my third in the last year or so. First was Andy...who I blogged about back in 2006. Then Brownie...we could not save him even though we took him immediately to the vet...but he still died in my arms. And now today, Dodger. I wish I had picked him up so he would not have died laying on the ground. I didnt know he would go so quickly. This is the saddest part to all that has happened to my lately. I saved him from a lady who had big dogs that picked on him and thought I was keeping him safe but it didnt happen that way. R had just fixed the fence last weekend so we had no idea there was a new hole...he had filled it in last weekend too.
The police came ( for the third time this month. ) And so did animal control. There is nothing they will really do since there is no city ordinance about dog on dog violence. We can sue them but that will most likely cost more than we will get in damages anyway. Overall, I dont care about getting money from them. I just want them to pay attention and keep up on the fence maintence. They said they would put their electric fence back up. I hope so bcs I am scared for Cookie to be out there. I would not be able to handle something happening to Cookie. He is my baby and he has always been... He usually wants little or nothing to do with anyone else but me. Daschaunds are like that. They pick one person and cling to them...or at least that is what I read online about them. I was that person to Brownie and Dodger too. I am the one that cares for their needs so it was natual they would choose me...plus I spent the most time with them.
So, to sum up. In the last couple weeks:
My house was broken into and all my jewelry was stolen...along with other things too.
My marriage almost collapsed and I got into a physical fight with R and the police came.
My marriage has been horrible since getting back together and I dont know if it can be saved.
My dog got murdered right in front of my eyes.
There is not much more I can handle right now...and am hoping for some peace and calmness...
Justin, sad.
My beloved little sweetheart Dodger got killed by our neighbors dogs like my Brownie did last March. This time was much, much worse though. I happen to be out in the backyard this morning picking up trash and stuff. I heard a really loud yelp and turned around and only saw Cookie. I ran over to the fence and jumped up and saw Dodger in their yard. I jumped over the fence and their dogs ran off and my precious little sweetheart was lying there on the ground. He was still breathing and I could not get him back over the privacy fence without hurting him so I yelled for R to come outside and help. By the time he got out there and we got him over to our side he was gone. I was so devastated...I could not let him go. I carried him around forever wrapped up in a towel. I just could not bear the thought that he was gone. Now, I cant stand the thought that he is outside down in the cold ground all alone without me. I miss him so much already. I am so in shock that this shit happened again. I hate that I was outside right when it all happened but I could not do anything to help him bcs I didnt get to him in time. He layed there and died right in front of me just like Brownie and killed by the same dog too. Man, talk about a rough day.
The worst part is that L was here for it too. This was our weekend with him. He was in the house with R when it actually happened thankfully. He was very upset and cried a lot...just like we all did...especially when we buried him. It hurts so much to have lost another pet. This is my third in the last year or so. First was Andy...who I blogged about back in 2006. Then Brownie...we could not save him even though we took him immediately to the vet...but he still died in my arms. And now today, Dodger. I wish I had picked him up so he would not have died laying on the ground. I didnt know he would go so quickly. This is the saddest part to all that has happened to my lately. I saved him from a lady who had big dogs that picked on him and thought I was keeping him safe but it didnt happen that way. R had just fixed the fence last weekend so we had no idea there was a new hole...he had filled it in last weekend too.
The police came ( for the third time this month. ) And so did animal control. There is nothing they will really do since there is no city ordinance about dog on dog violence. We can sue them but that will most likely cost more than we will get in damages anyway. Overall, I dont care about getting money from them. I just want them to pay attention and keep up on the fence maintence. They said they would put their electric fence back up. I hope so bcs I am scared for Cookie to be out there. I would not be able to handle something happening to Cookie. He is my baby and he has always been... He usually wants little or nothing to do with anyone else but me. Daschaunds are like that. They pick one person and cling to them...or at least that is what I read online about them. I was that person to Brownie and Dodger too. I am the one that cares for their needs so it was natual they would choose me...plus I spent the most time with them.
So, to sum up. In the last couple weeks:
My house was broken into and all my jewelry was stolen...along with other things too.
My marriage almost collapsed and I got into a physical fight with R and the police came.
My marriage has been horrible since getting back together and I dont know if it can be saved.
My dog got murdered right in front of my eyes.
There is not much more I can handle right now...and am hoping for some peace and calmness...
Justin, sad.
Saturday, November 08, 2008
So confused....still
Well, R and I are still together...for now anyway.
Things are strained to say the least. We are still fighting a lot. The weird part is that it is always the same fight over and over. Nothing much gets resolved. I am willing to admit my faults and realize what should be done to try to change but R refuses to acknowledge any wrong doing in everything. He just wants to turn everything around on me. I of course, force him to face reality and realize his faults and his part of the blame in whatever happens to be happening at that moment.
Our biggest issue is still sex. R's whole world revolves around sex and if he has it or not. I had been hopeful that as time went on that this problem would diminish some but it has not. And prolly wont ever. He just can not get past that mind set. I guess he spent too much time being a meth head and having tons of drugged up anonymous sex to come back from it. I, on the other hand could care less about having sex everyday. A couple or three times a week is plenty for me. I also refuse to be in a sex based relationship too. We have been together and lived together for over a year and that is long enough that we should not have to have a sex based relationship to remain close to each other. It is now and has always been our biggest issue. Well, that and trust.
So, what should I do now? Do I leave him? My brain tells me to...I caught him cheating again this week...I discovered naked pics of a dude in his email and it took him three days before he could be honest and admit how and why they were there...for the longest he insisted that he didnt know how they got there, who the dude was, and that he had not even seen them. I know it was bullshit bcs he always does this. He fucks up, I find out and confront him, he denies it as long as he can, but then finally comes clean when he cant lie anymore. He chatted with some dude on yahoo messanger ( alegedley ) but didnt meet him or fuck him. But he immediately took a shower when we got home from work the night on the date the pics were sent. He, in his mind does not think he did anything wrong...which means he will just keep doing it over and over.
Hell, this is prolly the 13th time this shit has happened anyway. I cant believe I fell for another fucking cheater. I just knew this time it would be different...bcs I chose a different kind of guy. But, I guess it does not matter what they look like, how old they are, or their lifestyle and job...all gay men are the same. At least the ones that I have met are....all lying cheaters. I really should have known this would happen bcs of the drugs and stuff but I thought that after a while all that would fade from his mind...like I said, wishful thinking, right?
How the fuck can I possibly stay with him and make it work? Each time I start to be nice and want to forgive and forget...he starts acting hateful. And stays hateful and silent for days. Then, I stay hateful and silent for days after him. Viscious cycle, but we cant seem to get past that either.
He has pushed me too far to want to be the bigger, better person. I simply dont care. I cant allow myself to get too emotionally involved when he might cheat or throw me out of his house again any day now. He does act as if he wants things to get better and stay together... but I cant help but wonder why. If he really loved me and really wanted to be with me, he would not be doing all these shitty things that he should have to make up for. I could never, ever cheat on someone that I loved. Never. I have cheated to get back at someone after they cheated on me...but that was years ago. And not since. I have not had any sort of anything with anyone since the day I met R. I meant it when I told him I loved him.
I just want my life to calm down and be peaceful...even if that means leaving R. If we cant work out our differences and be happy together, then we should not be miserable together....
I sometimes wonder if R does want to break it off with me but does not have the heart to tell me and that is why he could cheat. Or, maybe he is just a dog. Who really knows for sure? It's not like R can be counted on to really tell the truth. Man, there is just so much to get past. Like, last night when he left me in town and came home without me. I had to have a co-worker drive me home...and was humilitated about it too. He expected me to have sex with him after that too! Can you imagine? Needless to say, we didnt know a damn thing. I didnt even want to lay beside him I was so hurt and mad. He said he forgot...which was no defense at all. See, if he can forget me so easily on something as driving home, then he should have no problem forgetting me when he is having sex with someone else...God my life is so incredibly great.
Oh, and I hate my job too. It was torture every second.
Justin, absolutely fucking miserable.
Things are strained to say the least. We are still fighting a lot. The weird part is that it is always the same fight over and over. Nothing much gets resolved. I am willing to admit my faults and realize what should be done to try to change but R refuses to acknowledge any wrong doing in everything. He just wants to turn everything around on me. I of course, force him to face reality and realize his faults and his part of the blame in whatever happens to be happening at that moment.
Our biggest issue is still sex. R's whole world revolves around sex and if he has it or not. I had been hopeful that as time went on that this problem would diminish some but it has not. And prolly wont ever. He just can not get past that mind set. I guess he spent too much time being a meth head and having tons of drugged up anonymous sex to come back from it. I, on the other hand could care less about having sex everyday. A couple or three times a week is plenty for me. I also refuse to be in a sex based relationship too. We have been together and lived together for over a year and that is long enough that we should not have to have a sex based relationship to remain close to each other. It is now and has always been our biggest issue. Well, that and trust.
So, what should I do now? Do I leave him? My brain tells me to...I caught him cheating again this week...I discovered naked pics of a dude in his email and it took him three days before he could be honest and admit how and why they were there...for the longest he insisted that he didnt know how they got there, who the dude was, and that he had not even seen them. I know it was bullshit bcs he always does this. He fucks up, I find out and confront him, he denies it as long as he can, but then finally comes clean when he cant lie anymore. He chatted with some dude on yahoo messanger ( alegedley ) but didnt meet him or fuck him. But he immediately took a shower when we got home from work the night on the date the pics were sent. He, in his mind does not think he did anything wrong...which means he will just keep doing it over and over.
Hell, this is prolly the 13th time this shit has happened anyway. I cant believe I fell for another fucking cheater. I just knew this time it would be different...bcs I chose a different kind of guy. But, I guess it does not matter what they look like, how old they are, or their lifestyle and job...all gay men are the same. At least the ones that I have met are....all lying cheaters. I really should have known this would happen bcs of the drugs and stuff but I thought that after a while all that would fade from his mind...like I said, wishful thinking, right?
How the fuck can I possibly stay with him and make it work? Each time I start to be nice and want to forgive and forget...he starts acting hateful. And stays hateful and silent for days. Then, I stay hateful and silent for days after him. Viscious cycle, but we cant seem to get past that either.
He has pushed me too far to want to be the bigger, better person. I simply dont care. I cant allow myself to get too emotionally involved when he might cheat or throw me out of his house again any day now. He does act as if he wants things to get better and stay together... but I cant help but wonder why. If he really loved me and really wanted to be with me, he would not be doing all these shitty things that he should have to make up for. I could never, ever cheat on someone that I loved. Never. I have cheated to get back at someone after they cheated on me...but that was years ago. And not since. I have not had any sort of anything with anyone since the day I met R. I meant it when I told him I loved him.
I just want my life to calm down and be peaceful...even if that means leaving R. If we cant work out our differences and be happy together, then we should not be miserable together....
I sometimes wonder if R does want to break it off with me but does not have the heart to tell me and that is why he could cheat. Or, maybe he is just a dog. Who really knows for sure? It's not like R can be counted on to really tell the truth. Man, there is just so much to get past. Like, last night when he left me in town and came home without me. I had to have a co-worker drive me home...and was humilitated about it too. He expected me to have sex with him after that too! Can you imagine? Needless to say, we didnt know a damn thing. I didnt even want to lay beside him I was so hurt and mad. He said he forgot...which was no defense at all. See, if he can forget me so easily on something as driving home, then he should have no problem forgetting me when he is having sex with someone else...God my life is so incredibly great.
Oh, and I hate my job too. It was torture every second.
Justin, absolutely fucking miserable.
Tuesday, November 04, 2008
I can not fucking believe it!
In the last couple weeks R and I have been thru a lot. Including a fist fight...pretty much my first ever...and I am 32...and it was with my husband. It was very weird and L was here for it too. I dont want to go into it right now...but we got back together. I moved back in his house and things seemed to be going alright. Oh yeah, he had the police come and make me move out of the house. He called them bcs he wanted me to leave immediately and I was not going without my things...anyway, the police let me get my things and no one pressed any charges. Things were getting back to normal when we suddenly got into it again. Over sex as always... We didnt have sex one night and he thought I had led him on all day ( I didnt ) so he was hurt and pissed. Well, we have been fighting a lot for the past couple days over the sex thing and have not really had all the way intercourse either...we did but he didnt get to finish the way he likes so to him it didnt count.
Well, today I get a very weird feeling. I call him at my last break and he freaks out. He kept saying " you want to come home now?" But then he insisted he was not at home. Weird for him to ask it like that if he was at work.... Well, he picks me up and is acting all strange like. He is saying his stomach hurts ( which I think is a cover story. ) We get home and he does not eat his dinner. He then takes a shower...which is very weird. I log into his yahoo email and find naked pics of a dude that were sent and read by Rodney at noon today. How the fuck did the guy get R's address? Why would he send them randomly today? If not asked to or something by R.
I just can not fucking believe I came back to him and his lying cheating ways. I am sure he will have some story and will stick to it to the end, but there is simply no explanation for how the pics got there other than the obvious. My main delima? Is that there is no way for me to confront him about the pics bcs I would have to tell him that I know his email password...which he will freak about...it does make me look kinda crazy but when your husband is a lying cheater you have to do whatever it takes...and he is kinda lazy to use the same password over and over on everything so it was not hard to figure out. So, what do I do? Stay with him and act like nothing is bothering me until I am better prepared to leave him? Do I confront him and have him turn everything around on me for opening his email? Damn, I am all kinds of confused.
I am fucked up about coming back to him and facing the reality that things will always be just the same...he will continue to do this and blame me for everything by saying that if I would take care of his needs he would not have to go elsewhere...is which absolutely stupid and a cop-out for not wanting to face his own despicable behavior. I cant believe I wasted over a year with who I thought was THE ONE only to find that he is just like all the rest...I guess I should have realized he would always be this way when he cheated last year and lied about it right to my face...over and over again he looked into my eyes and lied about it all the while knowing he got fucked by some stranger in California and then back here too including in our bedroom in our bed.
God, how could I have ignored those signs? Damn it....
Justin, single again...for the last fucking time.
Well, today I get a very weird feeling. I call him at my last break and he freaks out. He kept saying " you want to come home now?" But then he insisted he was not at home. Weird for him to ask it like that if he was at work.... Well, he picks me up and is acting all strange like. He is saying his stomach hurts ( which I think is a cover story. ) We get home and he does not eat his dinner. He then takes a shower...which is very weird. I log into his yahoo email and find naked pics of a dude that were sent and read by Rodney at noon today. How the fuck did the guy get R's address? Why would he send them randomly today? If not asked to or something by R.
I just can not fucking believe I came back to him and his lying cheating ways. I am sure he will have some story and will stick to it to the end, but there is simply no explanation for how the pics got there other than the obvious. My main delima? Is that there is no way for me to confront him about the pics bcs I would have to tell him that I know his email password...which he will freak about...it does make me look kinda crazy but when your husband is a lying cheater you have to do whatever it takes...and he is kinda lazy to use the same password over and over on everything so it was not hard to figure out. So, what do I do? Stay with him and act like nothing is bothering me until I am better prepared to leave him? Do I confront him and have him turn everything around on me for opening his email? Damn, I am all kinds of confused.
I am fucked up about coming back to him and facing the reality that things will always be just the same...he will continue to do this and blame me for everything by saying that if I would take care of his needs he would not have to go elsewhere...is which absolutely stupid and a cop-out for not wanting to face his own despicable behavior. I cant believe I wasted over a year with who I thought was THE ONE only to find that he is just like all the rest...I guess I should have realized he would always be this way when he cheated last year and lied about it right to my face...over and over again he looked into my eyes and lied about it all the while knowing he got fucked by some stranger in California and then back here too including in our bedroom in our bed.
God, how could I have ignored those signs? Damn it....
Justin, single again...for the last fucking time.
Saturday, October 25, 2008
Let's catch up...
Well, I still have my job. I still hate it but at least I get a paycheck every week.
I did get my license back...but did not get the car. It is a long story and it is prolly for the best that I didnt get that particular car at that particular time...
I am so unsettled.... Maybe bcs I didnt get the car? Maybe bcs I am still under R's thumb? He has loosed up some by letting me drive his car...which is a nice thing for him to do. But, we are still having major problems. As always, it is the sex. He just will not relent for one second about it. Each day I know that at some point he will make some sort of comment about it. Another thing that has not changed...his wondering ways. I woke up early this am ( about 5:30 and discovered he had been awake in the night on his laptop back in Leo's room. It was moved back before I woke back up this morning but I still knew it had been back there and he had been on it...
Well, he and L go to get some donuts so I popped the laptop open and discovered he was on some porn site. I dont really care if he watches porn but he had also been on craigslist...he went thru the msm and the casual encounters lists. Some of the ads he had clicked on were still purple ( they change colors once you have clicked on them) so who knows exactly what he was up to. Or, who he chatted with or made arrangements with too for that matter...
I guess he will never change. I just simply can not trust him and it looks like I never will be able too in the future either...if we even have a future together. I almost hate him. I cant fucking believe he would do this shit again...after he has promised me he would not. He will most likely try to turn it around on me and make it seem like it is my fault he went on that site and shit but I am not falling for it again. Just because I didnt have sex with him does not give him license to go online for other men. To me, that kind of thinking is just fucking stupid. I hope I can manage to get a car soon, so I dont have to put up with this shit any longer. L is here so we have not had a chance to talk about anything...but typing it out sure helps give me some perspective.
Justin, miserable.
I did get my license back...but did not get the car. It is a long story and it is prolly for the best that I didnt get that particular car at that particular time...
I am so unsettled.... Maybe bcs I didnt get the car? Maybe bcs I am still under R's thumb? He has loosed up some by letting me drive his car...which is a nice thing for him to do. But, we are still having major problems. As always, it is the sex. He just will not relent for one second about it. Each day I know that at some point he will make some sort of comment about it. Another thing that has not changed...his wondering ways. I woke up early this am ( about 5:30 and discovered he had been awake in the night on his laptop back in Leo's room. It was moved back before I woke back up this morning but I still knew it had been back there and he had been on it...
Well, he and L go to get some donuts so I popped the laptop open and discovered he was on some porn site. I dont really care if he watches porn but he had also been on craigslist...he went thru the msm and the casual encounters lists. Some of the ads he had clicked on were still purple ( they change colors once you have clicked on them) so who knows exactly what he was up to. Or, who he chatted with or made arrangements with too for that matter...
I guess he will never change. I just simply can not trust him and it looks like I never will be able too in the future either...if we even have a future together. I almost hate him. I cant fucking believe he would do this shit again...after he has promised me he would not. He will most likely try to turn it around on me and make it seem like it is my fault he went on that site and shit but I am not falling for it again. Just because I didnt have sex with him does not give him license to go online for other men. To me, that kind of thinking is just fucking stupid. I hope I can manage to get a car soon, so I dont have to put up with this shit any longer. L is here so we have not had a chance to talk about anything...but typing it out sure helps give me some perspective.
Justin, miserable.
Friday, September 19, 2008
double edged sword
As with most things in my life...once something starts going well, everything else falls apart.
I have got a job and am bringing home a paycheck every week. But, it is kinda small.
I have paid off all my fines. But, it took every dime of my tax return...both state and federal.
I have completed all my dui classes. But, that too has cost bigtime.
I am now able to get my drivers license reinstated. It will cost more than the classes did. And...I have to pay extra to get this non-owner liability insurance...I guess since I was caught driving without a license, I am not sure why.
The very part is that I have managed to buy a car. I dont exactly have it yet but it should happen in just three more days. I have to go Monday morning and get insurance, then go get my license reinstated. Once those two things are completed...I should be driving my new car. It is a 2005 chevy cobalt, 4 door, white, and very cute. It is the LS version and has lots of cool features. It has really nice aluminum wheels, a spoiler, and power everything with lots of controls on the steering wheel too. I dont really like a white car but I will make the exception for this one. I really like it a lot. It only has 40,000 miles on it which is not bad for a three year old car. I just have to make sure everything goes according to plan on Monday morning. Oh, God, please let this happen for me...But, it has caused lots of problems between R and myself. I wont go into them but it has been bad. Really bad... He says that the car is not the reason...but it mostly is. I love him and want things to work out between us. I suppose I will just have to wait and see what happens. I really just hope I get the car. It is the only thing missing in my life right now and I want it so bad. It is a much nicer and newer car than I was expecting to get, and I can afford it.
until next time...
Justin, licensed driver and car owner.
I have got a job and am bringing home a paycheck every week. But, it is kinda small.
I have paid off all my fines. But, it took every dime of my tax return...both state and federal.
I have completed all my dui classes. But, that too has cost bigtime.
I am now able to get my drivers license reinstated. It will cost more than the classes did. And...I have to pay extra to get this non-owner liability insurance...I guess since I was caught driving without a license, I am not sure why.
The very part is that I have managed to buy a car. I dont exactly have it yet but it should happen in just three more days. I have to go Monday morning and get insurance, then go get my license reinstated. Once those two things are completed...I should be driving my new car. It is a 2005 chevy cobalt, 4 door, white, and very cute. It is the LS version and has lots of cool features. It has really nice aluminum wheels, a spoiler, and power everything with lots of controls on the steering wheel too. I dont really like a white car but I will make the exception for this one. I really like it a lot. It only has 40,000 miles on it which is not bad for a three year old car. I just have to make sure everything goes according to plan on Monday morning. Oh, God, please let this happen for me...But, it has caused lots of problems between R and myself. I wont go into them but it has been bad. Really bad... He says that the car is not the reason...but it mostly is. I love him and want things to work out between us. I suppose I will just have to wait and see what happens. I really just hope I get the car. It is the only thing missing in my life right now and I want it so bad. It is a much nicer and newer car than I was expecting to get, and I can afford it.
until next time...
Justin, licensed driver and car owner.
Thursday, August 28, 2008
Man, what a rough one...
This week has been very rough....
My new job is horrible. I fucking hate it. It is not even close to anything I would like. I realize, that no one really likes their job but damn, this one is just plain awful. I wont go into details about it right now...just know how I feel about it. I hope that something else will come my way...but until then I can stick it out. I dont know how I can possibly look for a new job as I work Mon-Fri from
9am to 6pm. Oh well, at least it is a job that is not hard, is in an office environment, and is close to R's work so we can ride into town together. And, maybe it will get better...but I doubt it.
I have also been kinda sickly this week too. I have not felt well, had no energy, and have lost seven pounds without trying or altering my eating habits. I am going to the Dr in a couple weeks and will bring it up then...but maybe it will pass before my appt. I just feel kinda weird bcs I dont know what the hell could be wrong with me.
As for my relationship with R... it has been rocky this week too. We have both been stressed due to our jobs ( his is crazy stressful and I hate mine ) so I think that has a lot to do with it. We are broke right now too. We both get paid tomorrow so that should help a little. I hope things settle down between us. He told me earlier today that he hopes we can be happy and that he wants our relationship to be more stable. I am hoping for the same thing. I feel that he could be the one... ( my only reason for doubts are mostly my issues ) and the longer we are together the better chance my doubts will fade away. Our one year anniversary is coming up in a couple weeks, which makes this the longest relationship I have ever had. I am almost 32 and am totally ready to be settled down and hope that we can work thru anything that comes our way. Dont get me wrong, not all of our problems are his doing...I am just as much to blame.
Well guys, that's about it for now...wish me luck in the job situation. God know I need it.
Justin, hopeful.
My new job is horrible. I fucking hate it. It is not even close to anything I would like. I realize, that no one really likes their job but damn, this one is just plain awful. I wont go into details about it right now...just know how I feel about it. I hope that something else will come my way...but until then I can stick it out. I dont know how I can possibly look for a new job as I work Mon-Fri from
9am to 6pm. Oh well, at least it is a job that is not hard, is in an office environment, and is close to R's work so we can ride into town together. And, maybe it will get better...but I doubt it.
I have also been kinda sickly this week too. I have not felt well, had no energy, and have lost seven pounds without trying or altering my eating habits. I am going to the Dr in a couple weeks and will bring it up then...but maybe it will pass before my appt. I just feel kinda weird bcs I dont know what the hell could be wrong with me.
As for my relationship with R... it has been rocky this week too. We have both been stressed due to our jobs ( his is crazy stressful and I hate mine ) so I think that has a lot to do with it. We are broke right now too. We both get paid tomorrow so that should help a little. I hope things settle down between us. He told me earlier today that he hopes we can be happy and that he wants our relationship to be more stable. I am hoping for the same thing. I feel that he could be the one... ( my only reason for doubts are mostly my issues ) and the longer we are together the better chance my doubts will fade away. Our one year anniversary is coming up in a couple weeks, which makes this the longest relationship I have ever had. I am almost 32 and am totally ready to be settled down and hope that we can work thru anything that comes our way. Dont get me wrong, not all of our problems are his doing...I am just as much to blame.
Well guys, that's about it for now...wish me luck in the job situation. God know I need it.
Justin, hopeful.
Saturday, August 23, 2008
Falling into place...
Well, it seems like things are finally starting to turn around for me.
I found a job. I started last Monday...it might not be exactly what I want but at least it is not waiting tables or in a restaurant of any kind. I am doing verifications for a company called Data Exchange. It is Mon-Fri daytime...it doesnt pay a lot but thats ok.
I filed my taxes. I got an earned income credit and my return doubled. I am even getting a refund from the state this year. With the stimulus check I will get almost $1300 back. That should take care of all my fines I have not paid yet, get my drivers license back, and everything....I should be able to buy a car within six months now...
I just hope things continue this way. I am so optimistic and eager that I just cant wait. It has been so long since I could be proud of myself and that day is finally coming. My sister said on the phone today that she is proud of me for getting everything taken care of and getting my life back on track. It will be so nice not to have to worry about having fines hanging over my head and so fucking awesome to have a drivers license again...and to have a car again...well, that would be the very best thing ever...
Justin, looking forward to the future...
I found a job. I started last Monday...it might not be exactly what I want but at least it is not waiting tables or in a restaurant of any kind. I am doing verifications for a company called Data Exchange. It is Mon-Fri daytime...it doesnt pay a lot but thats ok.
I filed my taxes. I got an earned income credit and my return doubled. I am even getting a refund from the state this year. With the stimulus check I will get almost $1300 back. That should take care of all my fines I have not paid yet, get my drivers license back, and everything....I should be able to buy a car within six months now...
I just hope things continue this way. I am so optimistic and eager that I just cant wait. It has been so long since I could be proud of myself and that day is finally coming. My sister said on the phone today that she is proud of me for getting everything taken care of and getting my life back on track. It will be so nice not to have to worry about having fines hanging over my head and so fucking awesome to have a drivers license again...and to have a car again...well, that would be the very best thing ever...
Justin, looking forward to the future...
Saturday, August 16, 2008
It's a start
Well, I got a job. It is an office/clerical job...much like the last job I had...or at least I hope the new one is similar as I am not exactly sure just yet what it will be like. I have gone for orientation but will start working on Monday. I am pretty excited but not overly so, I dont want to face a let down so I am being low-key about it until it I know for sure. I wont be making a ton of money but anything is better than nothing.
As for the current situation between R and myself...it is ok. I am still not ready to discuss all of what went down with us...just know that things have calmed down...for now. I am not very optimistic about things but you never know...anything is possible. I just hope things will stay calm between us...
Well, thats it for now. I will return with details about the new job and such...
Justin, out for now
As for the current situation between R and myself...it is ok. I am still not ready to discuss all of what went down with us...just know that things have calmed down...for now. I am not very optimistic about things but you never know...anything is possible. I just hope things will stay calm between us...
Well, thats it for now. I will return with details about the new job and such...
Justin, out for now
Friday, August 08, 2008
I just dont get it...
How R can possibly tell me he loves me so much but can turn it off so quickly. I have never felt so unloved in all my life as I have since I have been with R...I have kept these feelings to myself bcs I am ashamed. I find it quite humiliating that I am in love with someone who can not return the favor. Someone who has thrown himself at me to win me over but when push comes to shove he turns his back on me every time. I can not believe I have been so foolish...I should have known better all along...since he cheated on me and lied about it to my face. I think he has cheated again recently too. If he didnt it is just because it didnt work out...not for lack of trying.
Let me start from the beginning. I ended up going on vacation with R and L. I should have known better but I wanted to go so bad I could not stop myself. Everything went great...we had such a good time...so much fun. I am positive we all had a very good time. Until the way home. I was riding in the back seat and got car sick. I had just eaten a huge greasy breakfast from Denny's. I should have known better as I had already told Luke he could ride in the front seat. I tried to relax but felt so queasy. My stomach was cramping very hard and my head was pounding but I tried to keep it to myself hoping to would pass quickly. We stopped and R asked me in the mens room why I was being so grouchy. I told him I was not grouchy I was nauseous and car sick. He mumbled back that it is always something with me. That remark hurt my feelings very much...as he had been very sweet and extremely nice to me the night before. I really just wanted an encouraging word, a sweet remark...just a brief moment of his attention. I didnt get it so I was cranky the rest of the drive home. R was pissed by the time we got home...so pissed that he could not see past his anger for one second and completely froze me out. I tried several times to talk to him...it was really a big misunderstanding that got blown way out of proportion. I thought we could talk it out and it would be over with but instead he froze me out telling me that he had wasted the last year focusing on me and that his new focus is his ten year old son who is here every other weekend...that if he doesnt that he will lose him. This bafflled me as the son has always been his focus...I just wanted a couple minutes to talk. He gets so angry and it takes a minute to pass but this time his anger got the best of everything and he has kept it hot and on his mind for almost 36hrs now. He refused to talk to me...went out of his way to ignore me...what is so hard about giving two people your attention at the same time? I feel really confused right now and wonder why R could get so mad so quickly and stay that way for so long that he can expect me to believe he wants to be with me. He kept saying he would talk to me later and that he needed to focus on his son. That is a line bcs the son slept until 11am and we were both up by 8am. He told me that things are over for him. That I pushed him to far and so on...I heard that. I respect that...but surely if I can forgive all the things he has done then he can overlook a little crankiness in the car...I am so lost right now I cant even think straight.
I will be back soon with details...
Let me start from the beginning. I ended up going on vacation with R and L. I should have known better but I wanted to go so bad I could not stop myself. Everything went great...we had such a good time...so much fun. I am positive we all had a very good time. Until the way home. I was riding in the back seat and got car sick. I had just eaten a huge greasy breakfast from Denny's. I should have known better as I had already told Luke he could ride in the front seat. I tried to relax but felt so queasy. My stomach was cramping very hard and my head was pounding but I tried to keep it to myself hoping to would pass quickly. We stopped and R asked me in the mens room why I was being so grouchy. I told him I was not grouchy I was nauseous and car sick. He mumbled back that it is always something with me. That remark hurt my feelings very much...as he had been very sweet and extremely nice to me the night before. I really just wanted an encouraging word, a sweet remark...just a brief moment of his attention. I didnt get it so I was cranky the rest of the drive home. R was pissed by the time we got home...so pissed that he could not see past his anger for one second and completely froze me out. I tried several times to talk to him...it was really a big misunderstanding that got blown way out of proportion. I thought we could talk it out and it would be over with but instead he froze me out telling me that he had wasted the last year focusing on me and that his new focus is his ten year old son who is here every other weekend...that if he doesnt that he will lose him. This bafflled me as the son has always been his focus...I just wanted a couple minutes to talk. He gets so angry and it takes a minute to pass but this time his anger got the best of everything and he has kept it hot and on his mind for almost 36hrs now. He refused to talk to me...went out of his way to ignore me...what is so hard about giving two people your attention at the same time? I feel really confused right now and wonder why R could get so mad so quickly and stay that way for so long that he can expect me to believe he wants to be with me. He kept saying he would talk to me later and that he needed to focus on his son. That is a line bcs the son slept until 11am and we were both up by 8am. He told me that things are over for him. That I pushed him to far and so on...I heard that. I respect that...but surely if I can forgive all the things he has done then he can overlook a little crankiness in the car...I am so lost right now I cant even think straight.
I will be back soon with details...
Monday, August 04, 2008
I'm going...
Well, we have not left yet but I am going on vacation with R and L...the only thing that can stop me now is my back pain. It has not bothered me for about three weeks but in the last two days it has come back full force...and then some. It has been pretty bad today but I am going to get my pain pills from the pharmacy in a few hours.
I hope that a pill combo will work for me and allow me to have a good time with my new family. Between coffee, ultrim, loratab, and bayer back & body...I should be numb to almost everything.
I will be back next week with details and memories to share...
until then,
Justin, excited
I hope that a pill combo will work for me and allow me to have a good time with my new family. Between coffee, ultrim, loratab, and bayer back & body...I should be numb to almost everything.
I will be back next week with details and memories to share...
until then,
Justin, excited
Sunday, August 03, 2008
Fuuny how quickly things can change...
As if the last week was not enough of a whirl wind...the last couple days sure have been.
When L got here on Friday he told me he did want me to go on vacation with them. I was hesitant but R talked me into going saying that it would seem rude and childish if I didnt go. I decided to concede this one since I really wanted to go. Keep in mind that the whole time R has been saying how much he really wants me to go but I could tell there was something on his mind.
This morning we woke up in a good mood. Everything seemed to be going well...like we were going to have a good day. Man, was I ever wrong. I noticed sometime mid-morning that R was acting strange. I tried to be sweet and ask him repeatedly what was wrong. He kept telling me nothing but was also avoiding me and would not make eye contact with me. I was pretty much told to leave him alone and he continued to be distant. I finally told him I would call my mom and have her take me to my nephews party bcs I didnt want R to go if he is going to be in such a shitty mood. Well, he finally broke down and told me that he does not think he can afford to take me on vacation with them. I felt like I had been punched in the throat...it hurt my feelings very badly. I hope that now he feels like shit too. How will it all turn out...? Will he make nice with me...or will this tension continue until they leave for vacation and I end up leaving R for good.
Justin, so hurt and confused I just cant even think straight...
When L got here on Friday he told me he did want me to go on vacation with them. I was hesitant but R talked me into going saying that it would seem rude and childish if I didnt go. I decided to concede this one since I really wanted to go. Keep in mind that the whole time R has been saying how much he really wants me to go but I could tell there was something on his mind.
This morning we woke up in a good mood. Everything seemed to be going well...like we were going to have a good day. Man, was I ever wrong. I noticed sometime mid-morning that R was acting strange. I tried to be sweet and ask him repeatedly what was wrong. He kept telling me nothing but was also avoiding me and would not make eye contact with me. I was pretty much told to leave him alone and he continued to be distant. I finally told him I would call my mom and have her take me to my nephews party bcs I didnt want R to go if he is going to be in such a shitty mood. Well, he finally broke down and told me that he does not think he can afford to take me on vacation with them. I felt like I had been punched in the throat...it hurt my feelings very badly. I hope that now he feels like shit too. How will it all turn out...? Will he make nice with me...or will this tension continue until they leave for vacation and I end up leaving R for good.
Justin, so hurt and confused I just cant even think straight...
Friday, August 01, 2008
Ready for a change
Things are weird for me right now. Not only do I not get to go on vacation with R and L and had R make me feel like shit about it when it was not my fault...we had it out big time for three days after I found out. There was more to it but I wont go into everything...
Where was I? Ok, not going on vacay...and my grandma is not coming to spend the night here either. I was crushed when I found out. I had such high hopes to spend some time with her. I really can not recall the last time we spent some quality time together, just the two of us. Anyway...she is not coming either so I tried to make arrangements for M to come spend a night. He told me that if I could come up with gas money to get back home that he could come. Now he is saying that he has to sell his lap top before he can come and that he will let me know later on if he is coming or not... I doubt he will. I feel like shit. Like no one wants to be around me and stuff...I know that sounds crazy but every way I turn there is someone turning me down and it hurts badly. I feel like the ugly, weird looking, overly feminate, orange haired little boy I used to be. I know that sounds crazy too but my child hood was too terrible for words. Feeling this way again as an adult is almost killing me. I thought I had put those feelings behind me and a different person now...it's weird how quickly it all came rushing back...
Things are especially strained between R and myself lately too. Since "making up" after our huge fight last weekend he has gone online looking at guys on manhunt and gay.com and lying to me about it. I even caught him sending someone a picture of himself. He totally denied it but I had the proof right in front of me...he didnt admit to it or express remorse or apologize until after he made me cry. He does that a lot....he does something stupid, I catch him, push him until he has to admit it and it pisses him off instead of him being sorry. If I were caught by my husband trying to cheat, my last defense would be anger and hostility. Anyway...after all that, he is now going back and forth between over the top, in my face, tongue down my thoat affection to rude remarks and criticism then to sad and depressed acting. I just cant figure him out...
Ok, so...where will things go from here? I can only hope for the best. After everything I have been thru in the last week I am more determined than ever to change things around for myself.
Justin, all-of-a sudden optimistic.
Where was I? Ok, not going on vacay...and my grandma is not coming to spend the night here either. I was crushed when I found out. I had such high hopes to spend some time with her. I really can not recall the last time we spent some quality time together, just the two of us. Anyway...she is not coming either so I tried to make arrangements for M to come spend a night. He told me that if I could come up with gas money to get back home that he could come. Now he is saying that he has to sell his lap top before he can come and that he will let me know later on if he is coming or not... I doubt he will. I feel like shit. Like no one wants to be around me and stuff...I know that sounds crazy but every way I turn there is someone turning me down and it hurts badly. I feel like the ugly, weird looking, overly feminate, orange haired little boy I used to be. I know that sounds crazy too but my child hood was too terrible for words. Feeling this way again as an adult is almost killing me. I thought I had put those feelings behind me and a different person now...it's weird how quickly it all came rushing back...
Things are especially strained between R and myself lately too. Since "making up" after our huge fight last weekend he has gone online looking at guys on manhunt and gay.com and lying to me about it. I even caught him sending someone a picture of himself. He totally denied it but I had the proof right in front of me...he didnt admit to it or express remorse or apologize until after he made me cry. He does that a lot....he does something stupid, I catch him, push him until he has to admit it and it pisses him off instead of him being sorry. If I were caught by my husband trying to cheat, my last defense would be anger and hostility. Anyway...after all that, he is now going back and forth between over the top, in my face, tongue down my thoat affection to rude remarks and criticism then to sad and depressed acting. I just cant figure him out...
Ok, so...where will things go from here? I can only hope for the best. After everything I have been thru in the last week I am more determined than ever to change things around for myself.
Justin, all-of-a sudden optimistic.
Saturday, July 26, 2008
The End is near
Well, as I already knew...L does not want me to go on vacation with him and R. I pretty much knew it already but it still hurts no less. The best part is that R has turned it all around and trying to make me the bad guy. He tells me I am selfish and that me being upset and causing turmoil that I have ruined the trip. I ruined the trip I was told I could not go on...hmm, is it me or is this fucked up? We fought about this last night and I have basically came to the conclusion ( from R's comments ) that he just does not care about me at all. I am always going to be third best or lower for him...and I just cant make myself believe that its ok anymore. We have been unhappy and fighting for a long time now...or the whole time we have been together...but lately it has started to get worse. I am pretty much in shock that it is coming to this though...
I just dont think this is a positive environment for me anymore. I am actually starting to believe the things he is saying about me. He has said so many things I dont know where to start...and they are so hurtful that typing them out would be humiliating for me anyway...
I have absolultey no idea what I am going to do. Where I will go or what will become of me. How will my life change and can I handle all this again...? I guess I will hope for the best and just see how it all turns out... The only thing I do know is that I will be leaving R, I will be moving someplace else...but those are the only definites. Everything else, all other details are up in the air and will just have to be figured out as I go...
much luv and sorry about the rant again...
Justin, changing
I just dont think this is a positive environment for me anymore. I am actually starting to believe the things he is saying about me. He has said so many things I dont know where to start...and they are so hurtful that typing them out would be humiliating for me anyway...
I have absolultey no idea what I am going to do. Where I will go or what will become of me. How will my life change and can I handle all this again...? I guess I will hope for the best and just see how it all turns out... The only thing I do know is that I will be leaving R, I will be moving someplace else...but those are the only definites. Everything else, all other details are up in the air and will just have to be figured out as I go...
much luv and sorry about the rant again...
Justin, changing
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
Hmm
R told me last weekend that he is taking his ten year old on a vacation. He followed this up with the fact that they would like me to go but he needs me to pay for my own tickets...to Worlds of Fun and Oceans of Fun. I would only have a couple weeks and one payday before time to leave. I told him I would most likely not be able to save enough money before then so I would not be going. Well, now he wants me to go and says he can pay for my tickets...I wonder what will really happen. Will I go? Will I stay home? Hmm...
Things are going pretty good lately. R is definitely keeping something from me...I can feel it. I dont think he is doing anything wrong or anything like that...but there is something. He has hinted several times that his ex-wife and oldest son are driving him crazy lately...I think they want money or something from him and he is stressed trying to figure out how to appease everyone at the same time...but that is just a theory. I hope he can work things out soon so they dont negatively effect our relationship. We still bicker and stuff ( like everyone else ) but for the most part things have been alright lately... he says things that hurt my feelings almost daily...but I am overly sensitive too...and I am sure I do the same thing to him without intending to...
I am still watching my sisters kids. Most of the time I just have K, who is my five year old niece. She is pretty easy for the most part but can get annoying if not entertained. I make sure we go for a bike ride everyday and make something like jello or muffins or something too...and we sit and color together for a couple hours every afternoon so she is usually satifisied with that. D, who is my ten year old nephew spends most of the summer at my dad's so I only have him every couple weeks or so. When he is here it is a completely different ballgame. It is constant activity and noise when they are both here...but not more than any other kids would make. They mind me most of the time ( when I get really stern ) so I dont usually have too many problems. The worst part is that when D is here, K usually ends up gettting hurt in one of their little scuffles...or she ends up crashing on the bike or something...it is not uncommon for their to be some crying and slight bleeding on a daily basis with her as she is fearless...especially when trying to keep up with her big brother. I have enjoyed having them here and getting to spend so much time with them this summer... pretty much the best summer job ever.
Thats pretty much it, folks. Not much more news and definitely not any excitement. Not that I want any either...
Will I go on vacay with R and L? I guess we will have to wait and see...
Justin, enjoying summer while it's here
Things are going pretty good lately. R is definitely keeping something from me...I can feel it. I dont think he is doing anything wrong or anything like that...but there is something. He has hinted several times that his ex-wife and oldest son are driving him crazy lately...I think they want money or something from him and he is stressed trying to figure out how to appease everyone at the same time...but that is just a theory. I hope he can work things out soon so they dont negatively effect our relationship. We still bicker and stuff ( like everyone else ) but for the most part things have been alright lately... he says things that hurt my feelings almost daily...but I am overly sensitive too...and I am sure I do the same thing to him without intending to...
I am still watching my sisters kids. Most of the time I just have K, who is my five year old niece. She is pretty easy for the most part but can get annoying if not entertained. I make sure we go for a bike ride everyday and make something like jello or muffins or something too...and we sit and color together for a couple hours every afternoon so she is usually satifisied with that. D, who is my ten year old nephew spends most of the summer at my dad's so I only have him every couple weeks or so. When he is here it is a completely different ballgame. It is constant activity and noise when they are both here...but not more than any other kids would make. They mind me most of the time ( when I get really stern ) so I dont usually have too many problems. The worst part is that when D is here, K usually ends up gettting hurt in one of their little scuffles...or she ends up crashing on the bike or something...it is not uncommon for their to be some crying and slight bleeding on a daily basis with her as she is fearless...especially when trying to keep up with her big brother. I have enjoyed having them here and getting to spend so much time with them this summer... pretty much the best summer job ever.
Thats pretty much it, folks. Not much more news and definitely not any excitement. Not that I want any either...
Will I go on vacay with R and L? I guess we will have to wait and see...
Justin, enjoying summer while it's here
Friday, July 11, 2008
Catching up
Things have been ok lately. R and I are getting along but not for very long...we fight every couple days or so every week. Nothing major ( yet ) but still enough to cause friction around here.
I am still unsure how to make things any better...unless I just give in every time...which is not going to happen. I can compromise but I am tired of having to coddle a 40 yr old...how can be very childish.
I am not unhappy but not exactly happy either. I guess it varies from day to day depending on what is happening around here. L being here is definitely becoming a challenge. I enjoy his visits here but it is getting harder to stand him when he starts acting obnoxious...which is a lot. R ignores it until it gets completely out of hand and by then there is no calming L down...and they usually end up getting into it but R always backs down in the end... I just wish L would realize how much his dad does for him and be a little nicer when he is here with us. I also wish he would realize how much his dad spends trying to make him happy and ensure he has a good time here.
Like I said...it can be very challenging. I will leave it at that...
I did buy me a new phone. With no help from anyone. I researched the model I wanted. Found the best deal locally and paid for it myself. I wish I would not have had to wait so long before getting it but I did the very best I could have under my current circumstances... Anyway, I got a new razor phone. It is the red one that I wanted too.
Lets all hope that things get better for me. I am talking about getting back on my feet for good. Finding a job that I can do and support myself with the money I make too. I need to get myself a car and get my act completely together. For good this time too...no more fucking around. I cant believe how much time I have wasted being satisfied letting R support me...it will change as soon as I can possibly make it happen. I still have my niece and nephew everyday...for four more weeks of summer and then I will be free to look for a job elsewhere...hope I can find one close to home so I dont have to rely on anyone to get back and forth to it...I dont want much, do I? Lol.
Well, I do feel better after typing out all my frustration...I suppose I should do it more often like I used to and maybe I would not be so bitchy all the time....
Justin, out
I am still unsure how to make things any better...unless I just give in every time...which is not going to happen. I can compromise but I am tired of having to coddle a 40 yr old...how can be very childish.
I am not unhappy but not exactly happy either. I guess it varies from day to day depending on what is happening around here. L being here is definitely becoming a challenge. I enjoy his visits here but it is getting harder to stand him when he starts acting obnoxious...which is a lot. R ignores it until it gets completely out of hand and by then there is no calming L down...and they usually end up getting into it but R always backs down in the end... I just wish L would realize how much his dad does for him and be a little nicer when he is here with us. I also wish he would realize how much his dad spends trying to make him happy and ensure he has a good time here.
Like I said...it can be very challenging. I will leave it at that...
I did buy me a new phone. With no help from anyone. I researched the model I wanted. Found the best deal locally and paid for it myself. I wish I would not have had to wait so long before getting it but I did the very best I could have under my current circumstances... Anyway, I got a new razor phone. It is the red one that I wanted too.
Lets all hope that things get better for me. I am talking about getting back on my feet for good. Finding a job that I can do and support myself with the money I make too. I need to get myself a car and get my act completely together. For good this time too...no more fucking around. I cant believe how much time I have wasted being satisfied letting R support me...it will change as soon as I can possibly make it happen. I still have my niece and nephew everyday...for four more weeks of summer and then I will be free to look for a job elsewhere...hope I can find one close to home so I dont have to rely on anyone to get back and forth to it...I dont want much, do I? Lol.
Well, I do feel better after typing out all my frustration...I suppose I should do it more often like I used to and maybe I would not be so bitchy all the time....
Justin, out
Saturday, June 14, 2008
Brighter days ahead...?
Things are kinda looking up for me lately...but just kind-of.
R and I have buried the hatchet for now. We ( as usual ) swept most of our issues under the rug. I dont really mind this bcs not much ever gets resolved anyway.
I love him very much and would like nothing more than to be with him...but sometimes it is so hard to look past my frustration to see anything else. I cant talk to him about much anymore, which makes things even more difficult for me.
We are so much alike but so different at the same time. We are both very moody, stubborn, and emotional...but our personalities are different. Our upbringing and life experiences also play a factor in our differences too. I just completely lost my train of thought and my desire to write any further....
much luv to those still reading and I promise there will be more ( positive and non-depressing ) posts coming in the future...it seems like I have been making that same promise for months now and no one wants it to come true more than myself.
Justin, out
R and I have buried the hatchet for now. We ( as usual ) swept most of our issues under the rug. I dont really mind this bcs not much ever gets resolved anyway.
I love him very much and would like nothing more than to be with him...but sometimes it is so hard to look past my frustration to see anything else. I cant talk to him about much anymore, which makes things even more difficult for me.
We are so much alike but so different at the same time. We are both very moody, stubborn, and emotional...but our personalities are different. Our upbringing and life experiences also play a factor in our differences too. I just completely lost my train of thought and my desire to write any further....
much luv to those still reading and I promise there will be more ( positive and non-depressing ) posts coming in the future...it seems like I have been making that same promise for months now and no one wants it to come true more than myself.
Justin, out
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
Something is just not right...
I am still unhappy. I just cant seem to shake it. I still cant put my finger on the cause of this unhappiness either...
I am still keeping my five year old niece. It is actually going quite well. I enjoy her so much, I cant even begin to describe it. Knowing she is coming is my reason for getting out of bed everyday...
Today I also had her brother, who is ten. We had such a good time today. We played a lot...
I cooked them breakfast and lunch, we rode our bikes to the park and played then rode back home, then played outside and they rode bikes some more...the day went by so fast but I really enjoyed having them both...
But, at the same time...I was also in a pissed off mood. I didnt show it to the kids at all. I was irritated bcs I dropped my phone in the toilet. Of course it is not working now and I have to get a new one. This will not be too difficult as I have the insurance plan...there will be a fifty dollar co-pay but it beats not having a phone at all.
That's about it for now. I was kinda pissy so I thought I better come type out some frustration as I really dont have anyone to vent to...now that M ( from Ar ) and I still have not talked. Not talked at all for a couple months now...but that is a story for a different day.
Much Luv,
Justin...not miserable but close to it
I am still keeping my five year old niece. It is actually going quite well. I enjoy her so much, I cant even begin to describe it. Knowing she is coming is my reason for getting out of bed everyday...
Today I also had her brother, who is ten. We had such a good time today. We played a lot...
I cooked them breakfast and lunch, we rode our bikes to the park and played then rode back home, then played outside and they rode bikes some more...the day went by so fast but I really enjoyed having them both...
But, at the same time...I was also in a pissed off mood. I didnt show it to the kids at all. I was irritated bcs I dropped my phone in the toilet. Of course it is not working now and I have to get a new one. This will not be too difficult as I have the insurance plan...there will be a fifty dollar co-pay but it beats not having a phone at all.
That's about it for now. I was kinda pissy so I thought I better come type out some frustration as I really dont have anyone to vent to...now that M ( from Ar ) and I still have not talked. Not talked at all for a couple months now...but that is a story for a different day.
Much Luv,
Justin...not miserable but close to it
Friday, May 30, 2008
Lately
I am still unhappy.
I am still trapped in a relationship that...well I just dont know what to say about my relationship right now. R and I fight all the time. It is almost a daily thing for us now....
I just cant shake the feeling that things will never change or get better. I am torn on what I should do...I dont want to just walk away but I dont want to be unhappy either. Hmm...
I am still watching my five year old niece everday. It is not bad, but she does get on my nerves some times. It is not her fault, she is just a regular kid so I dont say anything to her or let her know about it. I just smile and try to make it thru the days. She really is a good kid, I am just not used to having one around all the time. I am gettting there tho. It is hard for me to set aside my bad mood when R and I have a fight, he leaves, and then my niece gets here twenty mins later....not much time to readjust a bad mood, right? I have had some fun with her here too. We color and watch tv or play games and go outside. It is nice to have someone here with me...I just wish I could stop fighting with R in the mornings before she gets here...so I could really enjoy my days with her.
Ok, I suppose I have bitched enough for one post but cant promise the next one wont be the same....all tho I hope it is. I do hope to have some more fun and lighthearted posts with good news some day...
Justin, still hating his life.
I am still trapped in a relationship that...well I just dont know what to say about my relationship right now. R and I fight all the time. It is almost a daily thing for us now....
I just cant shake the feeling that things will never change or get better. I am torn on what I should do...I dont want to just walk away but I dont want to be unhappy either. Hmm...
I am still watching my five year old niece everday. It is not bad, but she does get on my nerves some times. It is not her fault, she is just a regular kid so I dont say anything to her or let her know about it. I just smile and try to make it thru the days. She really is a good kid, I am just not used to having one around all the time. I am gettting there tho. It is hard for me to set aside my bad mood when R and I have a fight, he leaves, and then my niece gets here twenty mins later....not much time to readjust a bad mood, right? I have had some fun with her here too. We color and watch tv or play games and go outside. It is nice to have someone here with me...I just wish I could stop fighting with R in the mornings before she gets here...so I could really enjoy my days with her.
Ok, I suppose I have bitched enough for one post but cant promise the next one wont be the same....all tho I hope it is. I do hope to have some more fun and lighthearted posts with good news some day...
Justin, still hating his life.
Monday, May 19, 2008
meh...
Things have not changed much since my last post. I am not completely unhappy or miserable but things could be much, much better...
R and I had a couple big fights over the weekend. He thinks I dont want him and push him away constantly. I feel like I have to bcs if I show any interest or give the slightest indication of being turned on, he will try to take things further. I know he is highly sexual and has a much higher sex drive than I do but there has to be some sort of resolution. When something happens between us, instead of talking to me, he walks away and makes up his mind about what the problem is...which is usually far from reality. Once he has made up his mind, he will not listen to anything I have to say...there is no reasoning with him or changing his mind. He completely convinces himself that what he thinks ( his opinion ) is what is actually happening and it is forever before we talk and work things out. By then, we are both frustrated and with hurt feelings. Believe me, it sucks. I am hoping things will work out soon...before we both get tired of putting up with the other...
In other news: my babysitting my niece is going well. I enjoy the time I spend with her.
R and I have managed to plant a ton of flowers and jazz up our back patio in between fights and arguments. It looks so cute and inviting...I plan to enjoy it a lot before it gets too hot outside. I sure hope that my flowers make it and continue to flourish all summer long. There has already been a few casualties, which I expected. However, most are doing well. I have Geraniums ) orange, red, fucshia, and soft pink ) , wave Petunias ( pink and purple ), Marigolds ( yellow, red and orange ) and some multi colored plume Celosias. I also plan to get an Asparagus fern. Plus we are going to line the back fence line with red and pink Knockout Roses too. Maybe not this summer, but definitely next are back yard will be so full and lush...someplace you just want to be.
Until next time,
Justin...getting better???
R and I had a couple big fights over the weekend. He thinks I dont want him and push him away constantly. I feel like I have to bcs if I show any interest or give the slightest indication of being turned on, he will try to take things further. I know he is highly sexual and has a much higher sex drive than I do but there has to be some sort of resolution. When something happens between us, instead of talking to me, he walks away and makes up his mind about what the problem is...which is usually far from reality. Once he has made up his mind, he will not listen to anything I have to say...there is no reasoning with him or changing his mind. He completely convinces himself that what he thinks ( his opinion ) is what is actually happening and it is forever before we talk and work things out. By then, we are both frustrated and with hurt feelings. Believe me, it sucks. I am hoping things will work out soon...before we both get tired of putting up with the other...
In other news: my babysitting my niece is going well. I enjoy the time I spend with her.
R and I have managed to plant a ton of flowers and jazz up our back patio in between fights and arguments. It looks so cute and inviting...I plan to enjoy it a lot before it gets too hot outside. I sure hope that my flowers make it and continue to flourish all summer long. There has already been a few casualties, which I expected. However, most are doing well. I have Geraniums ) orange, red, fucshia, and soft pink ) , wave Petunias ( pink and purple ), Marigolds ( yellow, red and orange ) and some multi colored plume Celosias. I also plan to get an Asparagus fern. Plus we are going to line the back fence line with red and pink Knockout Roses too. Maybe not this summer, but definitely next are back yard will be so full and lush...someplace you just want to be.
Until next time,
Justin...getting better???
Monday, May 12, 2008
Unhappy times...
Well, as you can see from the title of this post, things are not going very well for me lately.
Most of it has to do with R...of course. I am not saying it is all his fault but things are not good between us anymore. We bicker and fight almost everyday. I am so unhappy but completely powerless to do or change anything about it. I find it so hard to talk to him. And nothing ever gets solved, fixed, or really even talked about most of the time. It is a tough situation.
On the other hand, I am now watching my five year old niece full time. And will be doing so for the entire summer. And I will also have her brother who is ten part of the time too. I am so looking forward to doing this and spending so much time with them. I would go as far as to say this is the best thing going for me right now. I am not making very much money but the time I am spending with the kids is priceless...and my sister has done a lot for me so I am happy to return the favor. I am so thankful to still be a part of my family again I just dont have the words to describe it.
Well, I just cant force myself to go into the details of the problems with R right now...so I will continue to keep it all to myself and hope that I dont go crazy...
Justin, miserable again
Most of it has to do with R...of course. I am not saying it is all his fault but things are not good between us anymore. We bicker and fight almost everyday. I am so unhappy but completely powerless to do or change anything about it. I find it so hard to talk to him. And nothing ever gets solved, fixed, or really even talked about most of the time. It is a tough situation.
On the other hand, I am now watching my five year old niece full time. And will be doing so for the entire summer. And I will also have her brother who is ten part of the time too. I am so looking forward to doing this and spending so much time with them. I would go as far as to say this is the best thing going for me right now. I am not making very much money but the time I am spending with the kids is priceless...and my sister has done a lot for me so I am happy to return the favor. I am so thankful to still be a part of my family again I just dont have the words to describe it.
Well, I just cant force myself to go into the details of the problems with R right now...so I will continue to keep it all to myself and hope that I dont go crazy...
Justin, miserable again
Thursday, April 17, 2008
Things are looking up...
I received some very good news this week.
I get to start babysitting my five year old niece. And sometimes I will have her brother too who is ten...they are my sister's kids. My grandma used to watch them but she recently moved back to Kansas...so now I will get to spend time with the kids but also be making money too.
That's right, I have a job. A job that I work the same hours as R, I dont even have to leave the house so I dont have to worry about transportation, I will still be able to do all my housework and cooking, and like I said before, spending time with my niece and nephew. I am very excited about this. The kids are very easy to watch. Kiah, was here five hours the other day and it went by very fast. She likes to play X box, watch tv, and run & play with the dogs in the backyard.
I wont be making a ton of money but a little something is better than nothing at all.
In other news...R and I are doing just fine. We are getting along pretty good these days. We bicker a little here and there, but that's normal. Doesnt every couple do it? We dont fight or argue, we simply express ourselves to each other. R does seem to expect a lot from me lately...he has been very moody. It wears me down quickly but I do my best to be supportive and not too bitchy. Over all, I would say I am happy and content...especially now that I have a job with some purpose. Being a nanny is hard but rewarding work and I think I am up for it...especially since the kids I will be watching are my family.
Justin, happy for now.
ps...expect updates more frequently
I get to start babysitting my five year old niece. And sometimes I will have her brother too who is ten...they are my sister's kids. My grandma used to watch them but she recently moved back to Kansas...so now I will get to spend time with the kids but also be making money too.
That's right, I have a job. A job that I work the same hours as R, I dont even have to leave the house so I dont have to worry about transportation, I will still be able to do all my housework and cooking, and like I said before, spending time with my niece and nephew. I am very excited about this. The kids are very easy to watch. Kiah, was here five hours the other day and it went by very fast. She likes to play X box, watch tv, and run & play with the dogs in the backyard.
I wont be making a ton of money but a little something is better than nothing at all.
In other news...R and I are doing just fine. We are getting along pretty good these days. We bicker a little here and there, but that's normal. Doesnt every couple do it? We dont fight or argue, we simply express ourselves to each other. R does seem to expect a lot from me lately...he has been very moody. It wears me down quickly but I do my best to be supportive and not too bitchy. Over all, I would say I am happy and content...especially now that I have a job with some purpose. Being a nanny is hard but rewarding work and I think I am up for it...especially since the kids I will be watching are my family.
Justin, happy for now.
ps...expect updates more frequently
Friday, April 04, 2008
Weird
I have been feeling very weird lately. I cant seem to calm down and relax.,.which is weird for me bcs I have always been a pretty laid back kinda guy. I am not sure why I am feeling so unsettled lately.
Perhaps it is bcs I am so bored...I love being a housewife but often find myself looking for projects. I can only clean the house so much in a day and afterwards I am usually fidgeting and looking around for something to do. I would like to paint some rooms in the house but I think R wants to be involved in all that...
Speaking of R, things are going fine with us. Not great but not bad either. I think we both want different things and have different ideas about what a relationship is and what we each want out of it...I want intimacy and closeness and R wants a sex slave who never questions him. We do get along pretty good most of the time. Neither of us wants to be without the other so we just make the most of out things...I have learned to keep my opinions, feelings, thoughts, and ideas to myself unless asked. R usually interupts me when I talk and never takes any suggestions I have on anything. Everything is his way on his terms ( except sex and that is all I have ) and I dont let it bother me. Or at least I try...
I really do need to get my shit together and get a job soon. R has supported me for a long time now and he is starting to resent it. I really dont think he realizes just how hard I work here at the house...my entire life here is devoted to cleaning up after him and taking care of him. I do it gladly bcs he does support us but I do wish he would realize and appreciate it some times.
I just cant stand the thought of having to work a job ( that I will ride a bike to ) and then come home and do all the house work too. R is not organized neat or tidy and I am. I can not stand a messy cluttered house and R does not give it a second thought so I am sure I will continue to be the one who picks up around here.
Well, I am done bitching now. I didnt intend for this to be a rant but when I sit down to type what is on my mind, I never know what might come out...
Justin, unsettled but hopeful
Perhaps it is bcs I am so bored...I love being a housewife but often find myself looking for projects. I can only clean the house so much in a day and afterwards I am usually fidgeting and looking around for something to do. I would like to paint some rooms in the house but I think R wants to be involved in all that...
Speaking of R, things are going fine with us. Not great but not bad either. I think we both want different things and have different ideas about what a relationship is and what we each want out of it...I want intimacy and closeness and R wants a sex slave who never questions him. We do get along pretty good most of the time. Neither of us wants to be without the other so we just make the most of out things...I have learned to keep my opinions, feelings, thoughts, and ideas to myself unless asked. R usually interupts me when I talk and never takes any suggestions I have on anything. Everything is his way on his terms ( except sex and that is all I have ) and I dont let it bother me. Or at least I try...
I really do need to get my shit together and get a job soon. R has supported me for a long time now and he is starting to resent it. I really dont think he realizes just how hard I work here at the house...my entire life here is devoted to cleaning up after him and taking care of him. I do it gladly bcs he does support us but I do wish he would realize and appreciate it some times.
I just cant stand the thought of having to work a job ( that I will ride a bike to ) and then come home and do all the house work too. R is not organized neat or tidy and I am. I can not stand a messy cluttered house and R does not give it a second thought so I am sure I will continue to be the one who picks up around here.
Well, I am done bitching now. I didnt intend for this to be a rant but when I sit down to type what is on my mind, I never know what might come out...
Justin, unsettled but hopeful
Saturday, March 29, 2008
Killing time
here in a hotel room in Chickasha, Ok. We are at one of Lukes baseball tournaments. It is easier to stay in a hotel than to drive all the way home just to come right back in the am...
Things are going pretty good lately. Nothing to exciting for sure. Day to day life with big daddy has settled down some and we have established a routine. Things are not perfect, but what is? I am happy and content living with my husband. There are issues from time to time but nothing we dont resolve within hours. We are both stubborn and def both want our way, which causes us to butt heads...
Other than that, there is really not much to share. Oh, I did find an old friend on facebook and have been chatting with her a lot lately.
until next time,
Justin
Things are going pretty good lately. Nothing to exciting for sure. Day to day life with big daddy has settled down some and we have established a routine. Things are not perfect, but what is? I am happy and content living with my husband. There are issues from time to time but nothing we dont resolve within hours. We are both stubborn and def both want our way, which causes us to butt heads...
Other than that, there is really not much to share. Oh, I did find an old friend on facebook and have been chatting with her a lot lately.
until next time,
Justin
Thursday, March 06, 2008
Brownie 3-5-08
Yesterday morning my precious dachshund Brownie was attacked by our neighbor's great dane. He died shortly after while I was holding him in the vet's office. We could have tried the surgery but the vet was not optimistic about it. It would have been a long and painful recovery even if he made it thru the surgery. There just wasnt much we could do except sit there holding him so he would not die alone. He died with his momma and hope he knows how much I loved him. He was the sweetest little guy and Cookie and I both miss him terribly.
We fixed the fence so this will never happen again. As soon as we left the vet's office without our dog R went into Home Depot and came out with supplies to fix the fence...we thought the holes were covered. They looked that way from our side but the people on the other side had placed a tire in one of the holes to patch it. Of course their huge dogs can move a tire. My poor little guy didnt stand a chance against them.
I went last night and got a new dog. I got him mostly for Cookie, who has never been alone. He and Brownie were from the same litter and never separated. It broke him heart to see him searching and looking out the back door for his brother. So far Cookie wont accept the new dog...but I am hoping with time he will. The new dog is a mini dachshund. He looks just like Cookie except only half his size. He has some issues peeing in the house...he likes to hike his leg and pee to mark his territory a lot. I can break him of that shit but if Cookie doesnt accept him, he will have to go. I just hope it all works out.
Other than that, things are ok. R and I are getting along. I think the loss of our dog yesterday brought us closer. It's sad that something like that happened but at least we had each other.
Justin, missing his special boy Brownie.
We fixed the fence so this will never happen again. As soon as we left the vet's office without our dog R went into Home Depot and came out with supplies to fix the fence...we thought the holes were covered. They looked that way from our side but the people on the other side had placed a tire in one of the holes to patch it. Of course their huge dogs can move a tire. My poor little guy didnt stand a chance against them.
I went last night and got a new dog. I got him mostly for Cookie, who has never been alone. He and Brownie were from the same litter and never separated. It broke him heart to see him searching and looking out the back door for his brother. So far Cookie wont accept the new dog...but I am hoping with time he will. The new dog is a mini dachshund. He looks just like Cookie except only half his size. He has some issues peeing in the house...he likes to hike his leg and pee to mark his territory a lot. I can break him of that shit but if Cookie doesnt accept him, he will have to go. I just hope it all works out.
Other than that, things are ok. R and I are getting along. I think the loss of our dog yesterday brought us closer. It's sad that something like that happened but at least we had each other.
Justin, missing his special boy Brownie.
Thursday, February 28, 2008
Almost Perfect
Things are going great for me lately.
Today is my six month anniversary with R. Our relationship is not perfect but it's not horrible either. I do love him and have enjoyed most of the time we have spent together. We both have to put in effort, which I think, makes us both appreciate it more. I hope we make it another six months, six years, ect...
M and I have been fighting lately. He hates R but only bcs he takes me attention away from him. In the 12 yrs M and I have been friends I have never before put a guy over him. And it's not that I put R over him. It's that I live with R, he's my husband not just a boyfriend that will be gone in 3 weeks. M expects me to drop everything and be able to talk to him whenever he wants me to. He has no concept that I might be doing something. I dont get angry or give him grief when I call him and he is busy. I just wish he would understand...
I am going shopping and spend the day with my Mom and Grandma this Saturday. I am so excited that I just cant stand waiting until then. I have not seen Grams since Christmas, two months. It will be just the three of us and I know we will have a great time.
I joined Facebook a while back and then forgot about it. Then, I had a couple of my friends find me on there and request to be friends. I accepted and have been checking it daily now. Well, I searched for an old friend of mine...and found her. It's Erin Ward, or now Albertson. She and I were friends before I met M. She was my M before he came along. She and I lived together for a while and everything. We had so much fun together. Before I met her I was so shy and timid and she showed me that being outspoken and standing up for yourself is ok. Being around her and kind-of adopting her personality gave me the courage to come out of the closet. See, she was very important to me. Even though it's been so long since we talked or saw each other, I still consider her one of the best friends I have ever had and love her dearly. She is so full of energy, laughter, and adventure it is hard not be love life and be happy when you are around her. We used to drive up and down this curvy steep road taking turns standing out of the sunroof while the other drove!!! We were so young and crazy but had so many good times together...
Well, I guess that's it. I hardly ever have any news to post and now I had a ton in one day!!!
Check back y'all, you just never know what might happen...
Justin, happy
Today is my six month anniversary with R. Our relationship is not perfect but it's not horrible either. I do love him and have enjoyed most of the time we have spent together. We both have to put in effort, which I think, makes us both appreciate it more. I hope we make it another six months, six years, ect...
M and I have been fighting lately. He hates R but only bcs he takes me attention away from him. In the 12 yrs M and I have been friends I have never before put a guy over him. And it's not that I put R over him. It's that I live with R, he's my husband not just a boyfriend that will be gone in 3 weeks. M expects me to drop everything and be able to talk to him whenever he wants me to. He has no concept that I might be doing something. I dont get angry or give him grief when I call him and he is busy. I just wish he would understand...
I am going shopping and spend the day with my Mom and Grandma this Saturday. I am so excited that I just cant stand waiting until then. I have not seen Grams since Christmas, two months. It will be just the three of us and I know we will have a great time.
I joined Facebook a while back and then forgot about it. Then, I had a couple of my friends find me on there and request to be friends. I accepted and have been checking it daily now. Well, I searched for an old friend of mine...and found her. It's Erin Ward, or now Albertson. She and I were friends before I met M. She was my M before he came along. She and I lived together for a while and everything. We had so much fun together. Before I met her I was so shy and timid and she showed me that being outspoken and standing up for yourself is ok. Being around her and kind-of adopting her personality gave me the courage to come out of the closet. See, she was very important to me. Even though it's been so long since we talked or saw each other, I still consider her one of the best friends I have ever had and love her dearly. She is so full of energy, laughter, and adventure it is hard not be love life and be happy when you are around her. We used to drive up and down this curvy steep road taking turns standing out of the sunroof while the other drove!!! We were so young and crazy but had so many good times together...
Well, I guess that's it. I hardly ever have any news to post and now I had a ton in one day!!!
Check back y'all, you just never know what might happen...
Justin, happy
Monday, February 18, 2008
Lately...
Things are ok.
R and I have been having quite a few ( little ) issues lately. But, have worked them out and seem to be doing ok now. We'll see if it lasts or not...
M came for a visit. It was quite a surprise. It was another good, lighthearted and fun visit. R didnt really mind but was a little pissed when he stayed two nights instead of one. Everything went fine though.
L ( the step son ) was here this past weekend too. It was interesting having L and M here the same night. Our weekend with L was kinda weird this time. I wont go into details, but do hope things look up soon...I think L is having a hard time with his Dad being. Well, being gay and having a live-in gay lover...
Overall, everything is fine. I am still feeling a bit unsettled but hope to get things under control soon. I hope to have a job within the next couple months too...
Much Luv,
Justin
R and I have been having quite a few ( little ) issues lately. But, have worked them out and seem to be doing ok now. We'll see if it lasts or not...
M came for a visit. It was quite a surprise. It was another good, lighthearted and fun visit. R didnt really mind but was a little pissed when he stayed two nights instead of one. Everything went fine though.
L ( the step son ) was here this past weekend too. It was interesting having L and M here the same night. Our weekend with L was kinda weird this time. I wont go into details, but do hope things look up soon...I think L is having a hard time with his Dad being. Well, being gay and having a live-in gay lover...
Overall, everything is fine. I am still feeling a bit unsettled but hope to get things under control soon. I hope to have a job within the next couple months too...
Much Luv,
Justin
Sunday, February 10, 2008
Catching up
R and I have been back from our trip for a couple days now...life is back to normal.
We had a great time. My visit with M was awesome and R's work thing went well too, I guess.
We came back a day early and at first I was bummed but it was nice to be back home. R worked on Friday and I caught up the laundry and such. Yesterday we spent the day together. We shopped around and got new blinds for the dining and living rooms. Not cheap mini blinds but fancy ones...they have really wide slats and are white wood. We also got new area rugs for the living room. They are much better than the floral ones that were in there. Basically we changed the look of two rooms, and since they are adjoined, now they look for cohesive with matching blinds and such.
Then we went out to dinner but ended up coming after bcs my back was hurting. We hung out here last night and didnt really do anything special...
I had a great time on the trip but now I am looking forward to getting my life back on track. I need to get a job so I can buy a car too. Hopefully this will all happen soon...
Until next time,
Justin
We had a great time. My visit with M was awesome and R's work thing went well too, I guess.
We came back a day early and at first I was bummed but it was nice to be back home. R worked on Friday and I caught up the laundry and such. Yesterday we spent the day together. We shopped around and got new blinds for the dining and living rooms. Not cheap mini blinds but fancy ones...they have really wide slats and are white wood. We also got new area rugs for the living room. They are much better than the floral ones that were in there. Basically we changed the look of two rooms, and since they are adjoined, now they look for cohesive with matching blinds and such.
Then we went out to dinner but ended up coming after bcs my back was hurting. We hung out here last night and didnt really do anything special...
I had a great time on the trip but now I am looking forward to getting my life back on track. I need to get a job so I can buy a car too. Hopefully this will all happen soon...
Until next time,
Justin
Monday, February 04, 2008
Hanging in Little Rock
I am sitting here in the hotel room in Ar with M.
R is at work right now but we will be joining him for dinner later.
M and I spent the morning shopping. We hit a couple malls and had some lunch. It was such a nice time...just being out of the house and out & about.
I hope the dogs are ok at R's parents' house...I am sure they are wondering what the hell is going on and why they are being couped up in a barn. Oh well, I will be home to rescue them soon enough.
Things are going great so far on the trip. M and I are having a blast.
Gotta go for now, more details when I get home...
Justin in Ar
R is at work right now but we will be joining him for dinner later.
M and I spent the morning shopping. We hit a couple malls and had some lunch. It was such a nice time...just being out of the house and out & about.
I hope the dogs are ok at R's parents' house...I am sure they are wondering what the hell is going on and why they are being couped up in a barn. Oh well, I will be home to rescue them soon enough.
Things are going great so far on the trip. M and I are having a blast.
Gotta go for now, more details when I get home...
Justin in Ar
Saturday, February 02, 2008
So excited
R and I leave tomorrow for our trip!!!
I have been looking forward to this for two weeks and cant believe it's tomorrow!
I think we are going to have so much fun. I will have a ball during the day with M and then enjoy time with my husband in the evenings. I dont know how many days we will be gone but it's looking like at least four.
Details when I get back...
Justin
I have been looking forward to this for two weeks and cant believe it's tomorrow!
I think we are going to have so much fun. I will have a ball during the day with M and then enjoy time with my husband in the evenings. I dont know how many days we will be gone but it's looking like at least four.
Details when I get back...
Justin
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
So unsure
I dont know what is wrong with me lately.
I just cant seem to think straight.
I am constantly suspicious of everything.
I dont know if I am content with my relationship with R or not. I am going crazy thinking he is constantly up to something. Will I ever be able to trust him again? If I cant, how can I possible stay with him? Why is this so fucking hard? I know without a doubt that I do love R. He makes me very happy most of the time. But then, there's the rest of the time...which is horrible. We fight all the time. Mostly over stuff that seems stupid. Part of me thinks I am right, that he's a lying, cheating, scheming monster. The other part of me thinks I am being overly paranoid, that there's a logical, reasonable explanation to everything. Is there? Or, am I allowing him to convince me of his lies bcs I am afraid of what will happen to me if I have to leave him? I am so confused. I just want to be settled and happy somewhere...whether it's here or not.
Justin out
I just cant seem to think straight.
I am constantly suspicious of everything.
I dont know if I am content with my relationship with R or not. I am going crazy thinking he is constantly up to something. Will I ever be able to trust him again? If I cant, how can I possible stay with him? Why is this so fucking hard? I know without a doubt that I do love R. He makes me very happy most of the time. But then, there's the rest of the time...which is horrible. We fight all the time. Mostly over stuff that seems stupid. Part of me thinks I am right, that he's a lying, cheating, scheming monster. The other part of me thinks I am being overly paranoid, that there's a logical, reasonable explanation to everything. Is there? Or, am I allowing him to convince me of his lies bcs I am afraid of what will happen to me if I have to leave him? I am so confused. I just want to be settled and happy somewhere...whether it's here or not.
Justin out
Monday, January 28, 2008
A great weekend
M ended up coming for a visit after all...
We had such a great time. He and R got along great, even better than I had hoped for...
They didnt get here until about 6pm on Sat, so we almost immediately got ready and went into town. We bar-hopped all night long! It was so much fun. This was the best and most fun visit M and I have had in a long time.
R and I are going to stay in Ar next week ( for R's work ) and I just hope the two of them get along just as good then.
Gotta go for now,
Justin
We had such a great time. He and R got along great, even better than I had hoped for...
They didnt get here until about 6pm on Sat, so we almost immediately got ready and went into town. We bar-hopped all night long! It was so much fun. This was the best and most fun visit M and I have had in a long time.
R and I are going to stay in Ar next week ( for R's work ) and I just hope the two of them get along just as good then.
Gotta go for now,
Justin
Saturday, January 26, 2008
Goodbye Misery
I am feeling much better today. About everything.
My illness is gone. It's amazing to me how one day I am feeling awful and have a fever and then the next I am just fine.
R and I have also patched things up. We discussed everything and love each other so much that we really had no choice but to work things out.
M is on his way here for a visit. I hope like hell that everything goes well...meaning that he and R will get along. Not only get along but like each other. I am also hoping that teasing and making fun of me is not their common ground...but if it is, I will be happy to play along to keep the peace. They are both very important to me so I am hoping that everything will work out and I will not be put in the middle of them.
In other news, my Mom just came by. She and step-dad were in town having lunch so she brought my W2 and some new contact lenses to me. Her dad is an eye dr so I have always gotten my lenses for free, which has always been greatly appreciated.
Well, that's about it for now. Things have turned around for me in the last twenty four hrs and I could not be more pleased about it.
Much Luv,
Justin
My illness is gone. It's amazing to me how one day I am feeling awful and have a fever and then the next I am just fine.
R and I have also patched things up. We discussed everything and love each other so much that we really had no choice but to work things out.
M is on his way here for a visit. I hope like hell that everything goes well...meaning that he and R will get along. Not only get along but like each other. I am also hoping that teasing and making fun of me is not their common ground...but if it is, I will be happy to play along to keep the peace. They are both very important to me so I am hoping that everything will work out and I will not be put in the middle of them.
In other news, my Mom just came by. She and step-dad were in town having lunch so she brought my W2 and some new contact lenses to me. Her dad is an eye dr so I have always gotten my lenses for free, which has always been greatly appreciated.
Well, that's about it for now. Things have turned around for me in the last twenty four hrs and I could not be more pleased about it.
Much Luv,
Justin
Friday, January 25, 2008
So fucking miserable...
but this time it's not all R's fault.
I have been very ill for the last three days. High fever and intense stomach problems. It has not been pleasant.
There worse part about it has been feeling completely alone with no one to care for me. R says he does but it's very hard to see right now.
Things have been strained between us ( again. )
I recently found out that he did cheat on me with more than one person. He is now admitting to two. I know there's more and more to the story. I dont see how he thinks we can ever have a good relationship if he cant be completely honest with me. It is tearing me apart thinking that he could not only do something like that but then continuously lie about it. Why wont he just tell me so we can get past it? I was completely honest about me chatting with that guy with him. And all I did was chat via internet...there was never an in-person meeting. He was extremely bothered by it so you would think he would come clean.
He wanted to have a threeway last week. With the guy from here he cheated on me with. It got way out of hand but thankfully nothing happened. We would not be together right now if anything had. He chatted with guys online in front of me too. The worse part of that was that he was only trying to set something up for just him, not both of us...I am so fucking heartbroken again I dont know if I can carry on. I am so worried we will not be able to make this work. I have cried all day wondering...
We were fighting about our almost threesome and I walked out of the room. Only to come back in to find him online again. I left the room again and then came back to find him still online. He was in there chatting with guys instead of trying to patch things up with me. That hurts so fucking bad I cant stand it. I saw some emails between him and another guy and cant help but wonder if R ever did hook up with him...
Why does everyone I love hurt me?
I love him so much, but dont know if it will work out.
Justin the miserable.
I have been very ill for the last three days. High fever and intense stomach problems. It has not been pleasant.
There worse part about it has been feeling completely alone with no one to care for me. R says he does but it's very hard to see right now.
Things have been strained between us ( again. )
I recently found out that he did cheat on me with more than one person. He is now admitting to two. I know there's more and more to the story. I dont see how he thinks we can ever have a good relationship if he cant be completely honest with me. It is tearing me apart thinking that he could not only do something like that but then continuously lie about it. Why wont he just tell me so we can get past it? I was completely honest about me chatting with that guy with him. And all I did was chat via internet...there was never an in-person meeting. He was extremely bothered by it so you would think he would come clean.
He wanted to have a threeway last week. With the guy from here he cheated on me with. It got way out of hand but thankfully nothing happened. We would not be together right now if anything had. He chatted with guys online in front of me too. The worse part of that was that he was only trying to set something up for just him, not both of us...I am so fucking heartbroken again I dont know if I can carry on. I am so worried we will not be able to make this work. I have cried all day wondering...
We were fighting about our almost threesome and I walked out of the room. Only to come back in to find him online again. I left the room again and then came back to find him still online. He was in there chatting with guys instead of trying to patch things up with me. That hurts so fucking bad I cant stand it. I saw some emails between him and another guy and cant help but wonder if R ever did hook up with him...
Why does everyone I love hurt me?
I love him so much, but dont know if it will work out.
Justin the miserable.
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
Here I am...
Nothing has really changed much lately, so I have not really been doing many posts.
Things are great between R and myself. There have been a few bumps in the road but our relationship is stronger than ever. I hope stay together for a long, long time.
Even though I am perfectly happy spending my days here being a housewife, I am starting to get bored. I cant wait until I can get a job. Hopefully something easy, not too physical, and pays decent. I have such low expectations, I should have no problem finding something.
M is supposed to come visit us this weekend. I have not mentioned it to R yet. Things change so much with M that I dont want to bring it up until I know M is coming for sure. I did say to R last night that M was wanting to come visit soon, I just didnt say how soon...
If M's visit goes well I will definitely convince both R and M that M moving here is a good idea. Then I will have no problem getting driven back and forth to a job until I can afford to buy a car.
I am thinking that if I can get them to like each other it might even be fun living with the two of the them. M is so unhappy living with his family. They treat him like shit and he continues to let them run all over him. I can only imagine what it must be like living with your two aunts who are at least 13 years older than you...you know, they treat like a child.
Well, I dont really have much else to talk about right now....my life is almost exactly the same from day to day. I dont mind it that much. But I am really kind-of looking forward to a change.
Until next time,
Justin
Things are great between R and myself. There have been a few bumps in the road but our relationship is stronger than ever. I hope stay together for a long, long time.
Even though I am perfectly happy spending my days here being a housewife, I am starting to get bored. I cant wait until I can get a job. Hopefully something easy, not too physical, and pays decent. I have such low expectations, I should have no problem finding something.
M is supposed to come visit us this weekend. I have not mentioned it to R yet. Things change so much with M that I dont want to bring it up until I know M is coming for sure. I did say to R last night that M was wanting to come visit soon, I just didnt say how soon...
If M's visit goes well I will definitely convince both R and M that M moving here is a good idea. Then I will have no problem getting driven back and forth to a job until I can afford to buy a car.
I am thinking that if I can get them to like each other it might even be fun living with the two of the them. M is so unhappy living with his family. They treat him like shit and he continues to let them run all over him. I can only imagine what it must be like living with your two aunts who are at least 13 years older than you...you know, they treat like a child.
Well, I dont really have much else to talk about right now....my life is almost exactly the same from day to day. I dont mind it that much. But I am really kind-of looking forward to a change.
Until next time,
Justin
Sunday, January 13, 2008
Weekend Recap
I had a fantastic weekend with my husband...so on with the recap.
Friday R decided he wanted to go out to dinner. After we drove around Tulsa for about an hour trying to decide on a place that wasnt too busy, we went to Ruby Tuesday. It was good and I am sure we will eat there again.
Saturday we spent the day messing around. We went to lunch and then into Tulsa. We went to a couple of furniture stores and then some thrift stores but didnt buy anything. We hung out and enjoyed each other's company. We then spent the evening hanging out at home drinking wine and making dinner together. Dinner was great, we had steak with pasta and wine. Then watched some tv and continued hanging out.
Today, Sunday we have hung out at home doing stuff that needed to be done. Like hanging pictures and touching up some spots on the wall with paint. We moved around some furniture and changed a few things in the bedroom and dining room. I do appreciate that R has made an effort to use some of my ideas so this feels like our house and not just his. I think the place looks great now. In the next couple of years we will get new furniture for the bedroom and living room and completely re=do both rooms...but for now it looks great with what we have to work with.
So, here it is Sunday early evening...we just finished up an early dinner of turkey with mashed potatoes and gravy and are now just hanging out.
L will be here this coming weekend and now that R knows exactly how I feel ( about L sleeping in our room while I sleep elsewhere ) I am anticipating a fun weekend. Yesterday was L's birthday so this coming visit will be his b-day with dad. We are going bowling and then who-knows-what else...like I said before, it should be a fun weekend.
Until next time...
Much Luv,
Justin, content
Friday R decided he wanted to go out to dinner. After we drove around Tulsa for about an hour trying to decide on a place that wasnt too busy, we went to Ruby Tuesday. It was good and I am sure we will eat there again.
Saturday we spent the day messing around. We went to lunch and then into Tulsa. We went to a couple of furniture stores and then some thrift stores but didnt buy anything. We hung out and enjoyed each other's company. We then spent the evening hanging out at home drinking wine and making dinner together. Dinner was great, we had steak with pasta and wine. Then watched some tv and continued hanging out.
Today, Sunday we have hung out at home doing stuff that needed to be done. Like hanging pictures and touching up some spots on the wall with paint. We moved around some furniture and changed a few things in the bedroom and dining room. I do appreciate that R has made an effort to use some of my ideas so this feels like our house and not just his. I think the place looks great now. In the next couple of years we will get new furniture for the bedroom and living room and completely re=do both rooms...but for now it looks great with what we have to work with.
So, here it is Sunday early evening...we just finished up an early dinner of turkey with mashed potatoes and gravy and are now just hanging out.
L will be here this coming weekend and now that R knows exactly how I feel ( about L sleeping in our room while I sleep elsewhere ) I am anticipating a fun weekend. Yesterday was L's birthday so this coming visit will be his b-day with dad. We are going bowling and then who-knows-what else...like I said before, it should be a fun weekend.
Until next time...
Much Luv,
Justin, content
Thursday, January 10, 2008
Hmm...
Life is good.
No news, be it good or bad. Everything is still going very well.
There's just one thing...I seem to have lost my sex drive. I am still attracted to R, I just dont ever seem to want sex. R has been asking for it for the last two or three days and last night I gave in.
I didnt want sex at all. The whole time I was hoping it was almost over. R didnt do anything wrong or anything that I dont like, I just wasnt into it. I cant figure this out. Why do I all of a sudden not want sex anymore? I am not doing anyone else or even masturbating, so it's puzzling...
I cant exactly talk to R about this either. He thinks I dont want him anymore, or that there's someone else. Somehow I have got to get myself jazzed up for more sex. R told me the other
night that he didnt think I was physically attracted to him anymore and "If we dont have anything physical then we dont have anything at all." So, I guess I better want more sex or I will be dumped. Or at least that's how it sounded. If we dont have sex as regular as he would like he pouts, so it's not like it's he doesnt notice. He pressures me a lot...he would tell you that he doesnt but I am here to tell you that he does. Maybe if he wasnt all over me all the time I would want more sex. ??? I think so...
I know this post was about R but it was not bitching. Or whining and crying. So, I think this one is acceptable.
Much luv,
Justin, who has lost his mojo
No news, be it good or bad. Everything is still going very well.
There's just one thing...I seem to have lost my sex drive. I am still attracted to R, I just dont ever seem to want sex. R has been asking for it for the last two or three days and last night I gave in.
I didnt want sex at all. The whole time I was hoping it was almost over. R didnt do anything wrong or anything that I dont like, I just wasnt into it. I cant figure this out. Why do I all of a sudden not want sex anymore? I am not doing anyone else or even masturbating, so it's puzzling...
I cant exactly talk to R about this either. He thinks I dont want him anymore, or that there's someone else. Somehow I have got to get myself jazzed up for more sex. R told me the other
night that he didnt think I was physically attracted to him anymore and "If we dont have anything physical then we dont have anything at all." So, I guess I better want more sex or I will be dumped. Or at least that's how it sounded. If we dont have sex as regular as he would like he pouts, so it's not like it's he doesnt notice. He pressures me a lot...he would tell you that he doesnt but I am here to tell you that he does. Maybe if he wasnt all over me all the time I would want more sex. ??? I think so...
I know this post was about R but it was not bitching. Or whining and crying. So, I think this one is acceptable.
Much luv,
Justin, who has lost his mojo
Tuesday, January 08, 2008
It's Tuesday...
And there's nothing to report.
Life is going good. Still a housewife and mother.
My Mom came over last night. That was the most exciting thing that's happened in the last couple days. She came by to get the paperwork to send off for my birth certificate. I will need it to get a new ID, which is needed to get a job. I hope it comes soon.
I am currently on the phone with M. He is up to the same old thing. Still living in Ar. Still working for Jack & Tim. They are selling their house and building a new one and he seems to think he will move in with them and become their non-sexual houseboy. I dont see it happening...bcs they expect the sex, especially if he is living with them.
Over all I dont really have any complaints. My husband can be annoying as shit sometimes, but I am sure I annoy him too. I would say that we have a pretty good relationship now.
much luv,
Justin, out
Life is going good. Still a housewife and mother.
My Mom came over last night. That was the most exciting thing that's happened in the last couple days. She came by to get the paperwork to send off for my birth certificate. I will need it to get a new ID, which is needed to get a job. I hope it comes soon.
I am currently on the phone with M. He is up to the same old thing. Still living in Ar. Still working for Jack & Tim. They are selling their house and building a new one and he seems to think he will move in with them and become their non-sexual houseboy. I dont see it happening...bcs they expect the sex, especially if he is living with them.
Over all I dont really have any complaints. My husband can be annoying as shit sometimes, but I am sure I annoy him too. I would say that we have a pretty good relationship now.
much luv,
Justin, out
Sunday, January 06, 2008
Sunday morning musings...
It's Sunday and we just finished up breakfast...that I cooked. I must say it was great. Sausage, eggs, and biscuits and gravy. Yum.
I just realized that I now have almost everything I ever wanted. An adoring husband, a stepchild that's not annoying, ( and that doesnt live with us full-time ) and a lovely home. I have always wanted to be a housewife and mother... I know it's weird but I cant change how I am.
I am a little nervous bcs it could all disappear in an instant but I wont allow that to interfere with my happiness. It would be irrational for me to do that. I am going to live in the moment and enjoy things...
I do love my life with R. He does make me happy, even if I am not always able to tell him so out loud.
Gotta go, y'all.
Much luv,
Justin, the best gay stepmother EVER!!!
I just realized that I now have almost everything I ever wanted. An adoring husband, a stepchild that's not annoying, ( and that doesnt live with us full-time ) and a lovely home. I have always wanted to be a housewife and mother... I know it's weird but I cant change how I am.
I am a little nervous bcs it could all disappear in an instant but I wont allow that to interfere with my happiness. It would be irrational for me to do that. I am going to live in the moment and enjoy things...
I do love my life with R. He does make me happy, even if I am not always able to tell him so out loud.
Gotta go, y'all.
Much luv,
Justin, the best gay stepmother EVER!!!
Saturday, January 05, 2008
Day to Day
Things are going pretty good.
Nothing good or bad to report.
R and I are getting along good. Little spats here and there, you know normal couple "discussions."
Overall, my day to day life is good. Nothing to really complain about. My back has been hurting pretty bad lately, but I have come to expect it so it's not really newsworthy :(
L is still here, until tomorrow. Even though this has been a four day visit, it hasnt been bad at all.
I really do like the kid. He can be a bit hyper now and then but that's just a normal kid.
Things have been going good but there's still something bothering me. I cant quite put my finger on it though. I think I will feel more content once I get a job. I do want to go back to work but am also kind of hesitant about it too. I just hate the thought of me working and then coming home to all the housework too...bcs I know that's whats in store. R has said he will help me out once I am working but I dont really see him doing too much...especially not the laundry.
I am out of thing to say...for now.
Much luv,
Justin
Nothing good or bad to report.
R and I are getting along good. Little spats here and there, you know normal couple "discussions."
Overall, my day to day life is good. Nothing to really complain about. My back has been hurting pretty bad lately, but I have come to expect it so it's not really newsworthy :(
L is still here, until tomorrow. Even though this has been a four day visit, it hasnt been bad at all.
I really do like the kid. He can be a bit hyper now and then but that's just a normal kid.
Things have been going good but there's still something bothering me. I cant quite put my finger on it though. I think I will feel more content once I get a job. I do want to go back to work but am also kind of hesitant about it too. I just hate the thought of me working and then coming home to all the housework too...bcs I know that's whats in store. R has said he will help me out once I am working but I dont really see him doing too much...especially not the laundry.
I am out of thing to say...for now.
Much luv,
Justin
Friday, January 04, 2008
Happy times :)
I am quite happy right now.
Things are going great between R and myself. I think we are finally past all the nonsense and have fallen into a comfortable and content relationship.
L has been here for a couple days and things are going great with that too. I think it's great that he chose to spend that last days of his Christmas break here with his dad and me. He is a good kid, I had no trouble at all yesterday with him ( he stayed home with me while R was working.)
I am happy and intend to do everything I can to stay that way.
Anyone happy for me?
Much luv,
Justin
Things are going great between R and myself. I think we are finally past all the nonsense and have fallen into a comfortable and content relationship.
L has been here for a couple days and things are going great with that too. I think it's great that he chose to spend that last days of his Christmas break here with his dad and me. He is a good kid, I had no trouble at all yesterday with him ( he stayed home with me while R was working.)
I am happy and intend to do everything I can to stay that way.
Anyone happy for me?
Much luv,
Justin
Tuesday, January 01, 2008
Happy New Year
Well, it's officially 2008...and I do not have any good predictions for this year. I did have high hopes for it but you really never know.
I am beginning to think of New Year's Eve as just another day. A shitty one at that. I wont elaborate, just know that it prolly wont be any better than last year.
I almost hate the entire Holiday season.
I gotta go for now, I am so tired of bitching about shit on this blog that I wont be doing many posts unless I have something semi upbeat to say. I will be posting about things that happen but will try to keep the negative stuff to a minimum...of course it might be difficult considering the relationship I am currently in.
Justin 2008
I am beginning to think of New Year's Eve as just another day. A shitty one at that. I wont elaborate, just know that it prolly wont be any better than last year.
I almost hate the entire Holiday season.
I gotta go for now, I am so tired of bitching about shit on this blog that I wont be doing many posts unless I have something semi upbeat to say. I will be posting about things that happen but will try to keep the negative stuff to a minimum...of course it might be difficult considering the relationship I am currently in.
Justin 2008
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