So confused....still

Well, R and I are still together...for now anyway.

Things are strained to say the least. We are still fighting a lot. The weird part is that it is always the same fight over and over. Nothing much gets resolved. I am willing to admit my faults and realize what should be done to try to change but R refuses to acknowledge any wrong doing in everything. He just wants to turn everything around on me. I of course, force him to face reality and realize his faults and his part of the blame in whatever happens to be happening at that moment.

Our biggest issue is still sex. R's whole world revolves around sex and if he has it or not. I had been hopeful that as time went on that this problem would diminish some but it has not. And prolly wont ever. He just can not get past that mind set. I guess he spent too much time being a meth head and having tons of drugged up anonymous sex to come back from it. I, on the other hand could care less about having sex everyday. A couple or three times a week is plenty for me. I also refuse to be in a sex based relationship too. We have been together and lived together for over a year and that is long enough that we should not have to have a sex based relationship to remain close to each other. It is now and has always been our biggest issue. Well, that and trust.

So, what should I do now? Do I leave him? My brain tells me to...I caught him cheating again this week...I discovered naked pics of a dude in his email and it took him three days before he could be honest and admit how and why they were there...for the longest he insisted that he didnt know how they got there, who the dude was, and that he had not even seen them. I know it was bullshit bcs he always does this. He fucks up, I find out and confront him, he denies it as long as he can, but then finally comes clean when he cant lie anymore. He chatted with some dude on yahoo messanger ( alegedley ) but didnt meet him or fuck him. But he immediately took a shower when we got home from work the night on the date the pics were sent. He, in his mind does not think he did anything wrong...which means he will just keep doing it over and over.
Hell, this is prolly the 13th time this shit has happened anyway. I cant believe I fell for another fucking cheater. I just knew this time it would be different...bcs I chose a different kind of guy. But, I guess it does not matter what they look like, how old they are, or their lifestyle and job...all gay men are the same. At least the ones that I have met are....all lying cheaters. I really should have known this would happen bcs of the drugs and stuff but I thought that after a while all that would fade from his mind...like I said, wishful thinking, right?

How the fuck can I possibly stay with him and make it work? Each time I start to be nice and want to forgive and forget...he starts acting hateful. And stays hateful and silent for days. Then, I stay hateful and silent for days after him. Viscious cycle, but we cant seem to get past that either.
He has pushed me too far to want to be the bigger, better person. I simply dont care. I cant allow myself to get too emotionally involved when he might cheat or throw me out of his house again any day now. He does act as if he wants things to get better and stay together... but I cant help but wonder why. If he really loved me and really wanted to be with me, he would not be doing all these shitty things that he should have to make up for. I could never, ever cheat on someone that I loved. Never. I have cheated to get back at someone after they cheated on me...but that was years ago. And not since. I have not had any sort of anything with anyone since the day I met R. I meant it when I told him I loved him.

I just want my life to calm down and be peaceful...even if that means leaving R. If we cant work out our differences and be happy together, then we should not be miserable together....
I sometimes wonder if R does want to break it off with me but does not have the heart to tell me and that is why he could cheat. Or, maybe he is just a dog. Who really knows for sure? It's not like R can be counted on to really tell the truth. Man, there is just so much to get past. Like, last night when he left me in town and came home without me. I had to have a co-worker drive me home...and was humilitated about it too. He expected me to have sex with him after that too! Can you imagine? Needless to say, we didnt know a damn thing. I didnt even want to lay beside him I was so hurt and mad. He said he forgot...which was no defense at all. See, if he can forget me so easily on something as driving home, then he should have no problem forgetting me when he is having sex with someone else...God my life is so incredibly great.


Oh, and I hate my job too. It was torture every second.


Justin, absolutely fucking miserable.