Things are weird for me right now. Not only do I not get to go on vacation with R and L and had R make me feel like shit about it when it was not my fault...we had it out big time for three days after I found out. There was more to it but I wont go into everything...
Where was I? Ok, not going on vacay...and my grandma is not coming to spend the night here either. I was crushed when I found out. I had such high hopes to spend some time with her. I really can not recall the last time we spent some quality time together, just the two of us. Anyway...she is not coming either so I tried to make arrangements for M to come spend a night. He told me that if I could come up with gas money to get back home that he could come. Now he is saying that he has to sell his lap top before he can come and that he will let me know later on if he is coming or not... I doubt he will. I feel like shit. Like no one wants to be around me and stuff...I know that sounds crazy but every way I turn there is someone turning me down and it hurts badly. I feel like the ugly, weird looking, overly feminate, orange haired little boy I used to be. I know that sounds crazy too but my child hood was too terrible for words. Feeling this way again as an adult is almost killing me. I thought I had put those feelings behind me and a different person now...it's weird how quickly it all came rushing back...
Things are especially strained between R and myself lately too. Since "making up" after our huge fight last weekend he has gone online looking at guys on manhunt and gay.com and lying to me about it. I even caught him sending someone a picture of himself. He totally denied it but I had the proof right in front of me...he didnt admit to it or express remorse or apologize until after he made me cry. He does that a lot....he does something stupid, I catch him, push him until he has to admit it and it pisses him off instead of him being sorry. If I were caught by my husband trying to cheat, my last defense would be anger and hostility. Anyway...after all that, he is now going back and forth between over the top, in my face, tongue down my thoat affection to rude remarks and criticism then to sad and depressed acting. I just cant figure him out...
Ok, so...where will things go from here? I can only hope for the best. After everything I have been thru in the last week I am more determined than ever to change things around for myself.
Justin, all-of-a sudden optimistic.
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