Still here....

I am still with R. After 15 months of meth addiction. I have put up with so much...

an adam for adam profile
a grindr profile
evidence of craigslist hook-ups
so MANY lonely nights not knowing where he really was or who he was with or what he was doing

Yet I am still with him...I continue to believe in what he says...am I a fool? Why do I stay?????

Do I really love him that much or am I just that scared to try it on my own?

I am so miserable I must make a change in my life soon. I hate it the way it is...and I am saying this after our big blow up. I moved everything out but my clothes into a mini storage...this was after he ruined my 14 year hiv anniversary day. I came home early from an open house (it was a filthy mess and could not be shown) only to find my husband's meth, meth pipe, and ipod open to his grindr on the counter while he was in the shower. I bet everyone thinks I am a fool to still be here...I know I do. Sometimes anyway...

I lost my momentum somehow. I feel like I've lost myself sometimes...