and I am miserable. I spent the day with my family but didnt really enjoy myself bcs of all that's going on. I cried all day long. It kinda freaked my family out but I simply couldnt help it.
I now officially know that R did cheat on me. I snooped thru his computer and found all the emails he exchanged with dudes trying to hook up with them. Nice, right? He was not even concerned enough to try to cover his tracks. It's like he wanted me to find out. He has completely ruined our entire relationship. I cant possible imagine how it will ever recover.
It's not enough that he cheated ( in the worst and most intimate, personal way...he got fucked by a complete stranger ) but then lied to my face for two days about it. I had the computer up and read the email to him before he would admit it.
How can I get past all the hatred I have for him now? How can I put all this behind me and move on without seeming like a pushover? I feel like if I stay with him and move on it will make me out to be a door mat. And practically give him license to do it again. And I truly believe if he has an opportunity, he will cheat again. How can I ever learn to trust him again?
What is it about me that makes this keep happening to me? Ever person I have ever loved or given my heart to has done this. It's a vicious and rough cycle that I feel I should break now. If I do leave him, I will be single for the rest of my life. After this, I will never be able to love again. I will never be able to open up and give my heart to someone ever again.
What should I do? How can I carry on?
Lost, alone, struggling, and heart broken
Justin
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