R is gone to pick up his son ( L ) at his parents' house tonight. Which leaves me with more time at home by myself. I am just sitting here...wondering about a few things.
Like, what the future holds for R and me. Will we get past all of our recent issues? Will we be able to move on and really be happy together? Will we stay together but not really be happy at all?
I just cant help but wonder...
I spoke on the phone with R for about an hour this evening. It's really amazing how he just allows himself to say anything he wants to me. I know it's meant with good intentions but sometimes he really pisses me off and/or hurts my feelings. I am not sure if I am being overly sensitive bcs of what he has done...or if he is just too brutally honest. Maybe it's a little of both.
I am at peace right now bcs I know where he is and exactly what he is doing. But I have to accept this will not always be the case. I am going to really have to work on trusting him again.
It will be difficult with him having a blackberry and working extra hours...giving him both the time and the ability to cheat again. You know, like saying he was working late and then using the blackberry to go online and arrange something. Do I really believe he would do that? At this point I just really dont know what I should think...
Like I said before I am just going to have to trust him.
Another thing going thru my head is my job situation. I really need to get back to work very soon. Like I feel like I should already be working. I need to be making some money, so I will have some money if R should do something stupid again. That way I will be prepared if I need to suddenly leave him...which is a huge fear for me. I just hate that he cheated on me and I was kind-of trapped here, so I had no choice but to forgive and move on. I dont want to find myself in that situation again. If it should happen again, I want to have money set back...just in case.
If it happens again, I will definitely leave him. With or without having money set back...having money would just make things smoother. Anyway, I dont really think it will happen again.
I am still fighting with M too. I have not talked to him since early this afternoon. He is angry but for no reason. He suddenly changed our plans and expects me to just drop everything. I think he is being unreasonable. I mean, really, he decides ( without asking me ) to change our plans by a day. A day earlier at that. I have told him all week long that we could do something this weekend but I could not leave until Sat afternoon at the earliest. So, when we talked today ( Friday ) and he tells me we are going today...well, let's just say it didnt go well. I told him I was not going and then he got pissed. Then he text messaged me bitching that he could not believe I was not going with him. Like I said, I could not go until the next day. I had already told R that I was not leaving until Sat. With things the way they are with R, I didnt feel like I could just leave. Not without seeing him or knowing that things would be ok between us. Doesnt M realize how delicate the situation is? My relationship with R is not in a very good place right now. Definitely not in a good enough place where I can just up and leave in a minutes notice.
Anyway, sorry I have bitched my way thru another post. I promise there will be some more lighthearted posts coming soon. Perhaps I will find a job that will provide some funny material for posts. Let's hope so, and hope it happens soon too.
Much luv to everyone still reading my train-wreck of a blog.
Justin...almost back to normal "real" Justin again :)
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