painful days

I am having even more difficulties.

I gave in tonight and had sex with R. I shouldnt have. Now I feel completely fucking gross. Dirty and gross. How could I have after everything? I dont know why I did it either. R was starting to kiss my back and stuff and I wanted to stop him but then I didnt. I hate myself for allowing myself to have sex with him. And so soon too. What the fuck was I thinking? Wow.

I was in such shock when I discovered all those emails asking dudes to come have sex with him in R's computer that I didnt really digest all of them right then. I was so shocked to actually find an email confirming my suspicions that I blocked all of the others out. There were several emails from dudes confirming that they were on their way or almost there but I didnt even bring those up. I wonder exactly how many guys he really did have sex with...I will prolly never really know the whole truth. I just wish he would completely come clean with me. It's not like anything more would make things worse. He will only admit to having sex with just the one guy bcs thats all the " proof " I showed him I found. That one was enough. The guy thanking R for the sex. Saying they should flip flop the next time. R responded " it's my turn to pound you next time.' That tells me that the guy had already "pounded" R. He even used that word tonight while we were doing it. So creepy...

Also, I cant stop thinking about an email that R sent someone after he was already back in Tulsa. It was a response to someone asking him what he was doing or wanted to do. The response? "sitting here wanting to be used." R was offering to let someone use him. He wanted someone to come over and use him. That fucking kills me that he wanted that. That we was trying very hard to make it happen. The best part? This was the night before he knew I was coming home. Oh, and the time with the guy from above, well it took place the day he left. He cheated on me as soon as he got there. We werent even apart for 24 hrs before he was getting fucked by some other man. And then were going to be back together in 24 hrs when he offered to let someone "use" him. That is so fucking gross I cant even stand it. It totally makes me sick to my stomach. Oh, and I havent eaten hardly anything in three days too. I am so jacked up that I cant eat or sleep. I hate him so much for making me feel this way. I just can not seem to understand how he could do it. At least not if he loves me. And definitely not if he really loves me the way he says he does. I just cant hardly believe this has happened.

And now, after going thru all this in the last couple days but not really been around each other that much we get to spend the next three days together bcs tomorrow is the day after Thanksgiving. All of a sudden I cant stand the thought of even being in the same room with him. It is so painful for me. How am I ever going to get past it? No, seriously, tell me how bcs I have no clue. I hope I didnt give R false hope by doing it. Even after he ripped my heart out thru my throat, I dont want to see him get hurt. I would never want to hurt him...he is so fragile. Why the hell do I even care? Why do I still love him? Especially when I know I shouldnt. I know it. I am being so stupid for thinking anything will change. Maybe it will, for a while but I feel it in my heart that eventually he will do it again. You know, once a cheater always a cheater. Also, I did some research online about cheaters. R displays an alarmingly high chance of cheating again. He classified as a "multiple cheater." He has all the characteristics. Like, he wouldnt admit what he did. To me or himself...which in his mind becomes that it didnt happen. Also, he didnt come to me to talk about it or try to work it out. I had to force him to talk to me. He gets mysterious phone calls a lot that he doesnt answer. There were more too but I cant remember bcs it's two am and I have been up for nearly a day without sleeping much. Again.

Something else has occurred to me. The day before he left, he had to make a sudden and suspicious early morning trip out to his parents' house. He got up all early and went out there. And didnt try to get me to go with him. I thought maybe he was borrowing money and was embarrassed or something. When I really think about it, I think he went into Tulsa to buy drugs to take on his trip. It makes sense because all evening Sat he talked non stop about drugs. Then he told me during out argument that he had bought drugs to take with him. Then said he didnt, that by saying that he purposely bought drugs to take makes him seem like he was planning to have a bunch of random sexual encounters. Which I think he did. I really think he planned to do everything he did. Another reason? In one of his emails to someone while he was in San Fran mentioned he was fucked up and wanting to get fucked. The only time R likes that is when he's on meth. And, if he really wasnt on it, and get fucked while sober, that is messed up too. He really did a number on me, didnt he? I cant believe he schemed so hard to deceive me. He got carried away and got to complicated, so there's no way he could have kept it a secret. And if he would have? Well, it's nice to think that I could have gone thru the rest of my life with someone he was being a deceptive lying cheater. Because that's exactly what he is.

I hate him so much right now.
Justin...pretty much single again.