so confused

I talked with R last night and then again this am about how I am feeling.

Which is not good. I cant help but dwell on things. I dont want to but I cant get the thoughts out of my head. I just cant seem to shake the feeling that he is still hiding something. And that he planned the whole thing. I just cant seem to let things go. And I really need to if we are going to stand a chance. I just dont know...

I really hate things the way they are. How can we get back to being happy? I think we can, if I can set aside my anger and resentment. Part of me is mad that while I was locked up suffering and alone, he was out doing drugs and hooking up with other dudes. It really pisses me off when I think of it like that. How dare he be so quick to give himself to someone else while supposedly missing me and wishing we were together? I just dont buy it.

I am also having issues with the way he is dealing with it. He is acting like I should just get over it. That he has enough stress in his life and doesnt need me adding to it. He basically told me to get over it and move on or I could just leave. Nice, right? My cheating husband is so thoughtful, isnt he?

Another part of me wants to cheat on him now. Just so he will know how it feels. Maybe then he will understand why I am so upset about it. Maybe. I just hate to stoop to that level just to teach him a lesson. It would also crush him...which I would hate to do.

I know my posts are starting to get redundant but I cant help it right now. My thoughts are mostly occupied with thoughts of R and his cheating. You know this is my diary, so I have to post what is on my mind.

Hopefully I can stop thinking these thoughts and move on soon. Wish me luck...

Justin