Things seem to be ok between R and I . We spent the entire weekend at home just us and did nothing but lay in bed and reconnect. It was pretty nice. I have pretty much forgiven him and now I only have a little part in the back of my mind that's still wondering...
I do love him and think being with him is my best chance to be happy. I just wish this whole ordeal had not happened. I am really deep down having a hard time accepting it. I have these thoughts of him with another man or see the words he typed out seeking sex from other men. I still dont believe that there was only one man over the entire ten days. I am thinking it was closer to 5 or so. That's about one per day while he was in San Fran...I just will never believe that with all the gay dudes there and as hard as he tried he was only able to make it happen just one time with one man. I will also never believe that he was unable to make something happen with someone after he came back home. I will always believe that he had someone over and had sex here, in what was supposedly our bedroom and our bed. There was too much evidence left for me to see. Which is another thing...it's like he wanted me to catch him. He told me a tiny bit to make me suspicious and didnt even bother to cover his tracks. He left all the emails on his comp., left all the calls and texts on his phone, left a receipt for the theater at the midtown bookstore, I mean really, if you are going to be scandalous you should be smart about it. And he wasnt.
I also hate the financial strain all this has caused. I think he spent a lot more on drugs than he is admitting too and now he is trying to recover. Maybe not though...again, I might never really know the truth. Which is hard for me to accept. I hate not knowing. I hate that he is willing to spend the rest of our lives together with secrets and lies hanging over us. I can deal with the cheating ( multiple times or not ) because I know about it. It's out in the open for us to deal with. It's all the things he is still lying about and keeping secret that is bugging me. How can he look me in the eye and respect our relationship while doing so? I know I couldnt do it. The guilt would weigh me down heavily. I would have to tell. Doesnt he know I dont care? Doesnt he realize I can forgive him anything now? Well, accept cheating again. I made it very clear that I will leave him if he does it again. After all we have dealt with recently, there is nothing he can TELL me that we can not work thru. It might not be pleasant but it would be better ( and healthier ) for our relationship if he would give me the truth, the whole truth, and the rest of his "story" so we can deal with it now and completely move on. Otherwise, it will always be there hanging over us and our happiness. I think we will be happy together but not completely. I dont think you can without honesty and trust. Right now, I dont think he has either...what is he hiding that could possibly be worse than what he's already done? He should have more faith in me...
gotta go, I am tired of "talking" about this shit
Justin the skeptical
No comments:
Post a Comment