Irritated...

and not really sure why.

The son is here. I am sure my mood is not bcs he's here. I dont mind him and certainly dont mind his being here, as I am not so dumb as to fight a losing battle. I think I am irritated bcs R is acting weirdly. After they got home last night he was hinting around at having sex ( he even went as far as asking me if we could on the phone before they got here. ) Like I am going to have sex with the son in the house! We did sleep in the same bed, which was kinda weird too.

I think I might have made a huge mistake here. I dont know if I am able to have a relationship with someone who has kids...not only has kids but one that is here every other weekend. I just dont think I can spend any amount of time being cast aside every other weekend. I know R is the kid's dad and they should spend time with each other but cant help the way I feel. It's stupid and irrational but I just cant help it. I do love R and want to be with him but at this moment, I just dont know if it will work or not. R expects everything to be the same between us but at the same time not obvious when the son is here. Like: he still wants to same interaction between us but only when the kid is not right in front of us...it's tough to explain.

I feel like shit even being here right now. Like I am intruding. They got up, showered, and left. I was not even asked to go. I would not have gone but would still like to have been invited. They are also going to be gone ( without me ) all day long tomorrow too.
Perhaps once I am working and not just sitting here it wont bother me so much.
I do have an interview this afternoon and really hope I get the job. Really hope, really bad...I need the job so much. Not just for the money but also to get me out of the house.


I know as I type this is ridiculous for me to feel like this but that still doesnt change it.
Bottom line? I think I am jealous of the son. Not jealous as in I dont want him here. Not jealous of R spending time with him, with or without me being present. I think my problem is I know the son is always going to be a priority over me.
I have never been "number one" with anyone.
Ever.
Is it too much to ask to want to be top priority, number one, the top of the list with my husband? I feel like maybe it is and maybe it isnt.


I am so mixed up right now. Am I being stupid feeling this way?
R is so jealous of anything/everything and know here I am acting the same way. How do I get past it? How do I deal with it if I cant get past it? What the fuck...

The only thing I am getting out of all this is...that I really do love and want to be with R. I would not be having these types of feelings if I didnt.

Gotta go, me and my petty jealous self have a pity party for one to attend. ;)