Catching up

Things have been ok lately. R and I are getting along but not for very long...we fight every couple days or so every week. Nothing major ( yet ) but still enough to cause friction around here.

I am still unsure how to make things any better...unless I just give in every time...which is not going to happen. I can compromise but I am tired of having to coddle a 40 yr old...how can be very childish.

I am not unhappy but not exactly happy either. I guess it varies from day to day depending on what is happening around here. L being here is definitely becoming a challenge. I enjoy his visits here but it is getting harder to stand him when he starts acting obnoxious...which is a lot. R ignores it until it gets completely out of hand and by then there is no calming L down...and they usually end up getting into it but R always backs down in the end... I just wish L would realize how much his dad does for him and be a little nicer when he is here with us. I also wish he would realize how much his dad spends trying to make him happy and ensure he has a good time here.
Like I said...it can be very challenging. I will leave it at that...

I did buy me a new phone. With no help from anyone. I researched the model I wanted. Found the best deal locally and paid for it myself. I wish I would not have had to wait so long before getting it but I did the very best I could have under my current circumstances... Anyway, I got a new razor phone. It is the red one that I wanted too.

Lets all hope that things get better for me. I am talking about getting back on my feet for good. Finding a job that I can do and support myself with the money I make too. I need to get myself a car and get my act completely together. For good this time too...no more fucking around. I cant believe how much time I have wasted being satisfied letting R support me...it will change as soon as I can possibly make it happen. I still have my niece and nephew everyday...for four more weeks of summer and then I will be free to look for a job elsewhere...hope I can find one close to home so I dont have to rely on anyone to get back and forth to it...I dont want much, do I? Lol.


Well, I do feel better after typing out all my frustration...I suppose I should do it more often like I used to and maybe I would not be so bitchy all the time....

Justin, out

Brighter days ahead...?

Things are kinda looking up for me lately...but just kind-of.

R and I have buried the hatchet for now. We ( as usual ) swept most of our issues under the rug. I dont really mind this bcs not much ever gets resolved anyway.

I love him very much and would like nothing more than to be with him...but sometimes it is so hard to look past my frustration to see anything else. I cant talk to him about much anymore, which makes things even more difficult for me.

We are so much alike but so different at the same time. We are both very moody, stubborn, and emotional...but our personalities are different. Our upbringing and life experiences also play a factor in our differences too. I just completely lost my train of thought and my desire to write any further....

much luv to those still reading and I promise there will be more ( positive and non-depressing ) posts coming in the future...it seems like I have been making that same promise for months now and no one wants it to come true more than myself.

Justin, out

Something is just not right...

I am still unhappy. I just cant seem to shake it. I still cant put my finger on the cause of this unhappiness either...

I am still keeping my five year old niece. It is actually going quite well. I enjoy her so much, I cant even begin to describe it. Knowing she is coming is my reason for getting out of bed everyday...
Today I also had her brother, who is ten. We had such a good time today. We played a lot...
I cooked them breakfast and lunch, we rode our bikes to the park and played then rode back home, then played outside and they rode bikes some more...the day went by so fast but I really enjoyed having them both...

But, at the same time...I was also in a pissed off mood. I didnt show it to the kids at all. I was irritated bcs I dropped my phone in the toilet. Of course it is not working now and I have to get a new one. This will not be too difficult as I have the insurance plan...there will be a fifty dollar co-pay but it beats not having a phone at all.

That's about it for now. I was kinda pissy so I thought I better come type out some frustration as I really dont have anyone to vent to...now that M ( from Ar ) and I still have not talked. Not talked at all for a couple months now...but that is a story for a different day.

Much Luv,
Justin...not miserable but close to it

Lately

I am still unhappy.

I am still trapped in a relationship that...well I just dont know what to say about my relationship right now. R and I fight all the time. It is almost a daily thing for us now....

I just cant shake the feeling that things will never change or get better. I am torn on what I should do...I dont want to just walk away but I dont want to be unhappy either. Hmm...

I am still watching my five year old niece everday. It is not bad, but she does get on my nerves some times. It is not her fault, she is just a regular kid so I dont say anything to her or let her know about it. I just smile and try to make it thru the days. She really is a good kid, I am just not used to having one around all the time. I am gettting there tho. It is hard for me to set aside my bad mood when R and I have a fight, he leaves, and then my niece gets here twenty mins later....not much time to readjust a bad mood, right? I have had some fun with her here too. We color and watch tv or play games and go outside. It is nice to have someone here with me...I just wish I could stop fighting with R in the mornings before she gets here...so I could really enjoy my days with her.

Ok, I suppose I have bitched enough for one post but cant promise the next one wont be the same....all tho I hope it is. I do hope to have some more fun and lighthearted posts with good news some day...

Justin, still hating his life.

meh...

Things have not changed much since my last post. I am not completely unhappy or miserable but things could be much, much better...

R and I had a couple big fights over the weekend. He thinks I dont want him and push him away constantly. I feel like I have to bcs if I show any interest or give the slightest indication of being turned on, he will try to take things further. I know he is highly sexual and has a much higher sex drive than I do but there has to be some sort of resolution. When something happens between us, instead of talking to me, he walks away and makes up his mind about what the problem is...which is usually far from reality. Once he has made up his mind, he will not listen to anything I have to say...there is no reasoning with him or changing his mind. He completely convinces himself that what he thinks ( his opinion ) is what is actually happening and it is forever before we talk and work things out. By then, we are both frustrated and with hurt feelings. Believe me, it sucks. I am hoping things will work out soon...before we both get tired of putting up with the other...

In other news: my babysitting my niece is going well. I enjoy the time I spend with her.

R and I have managed to plant a ton of flowers and jazz up our back patio in between fights and arguments. It looks so cute and inviting...I plan to enjoy it a lot before it gets too hot outside. I sure hope that my flowers make it and continue to flourish all summer long. There has already been a few casualties, which I expected. However, most are doing well. I have Geraniums ) orange, red, fucshia, and soft pink ) , wave Petunias ( pink and purple ), Marigolds ( yellow, red and orange ) and some multi colored plume Celosias. I also plan to get an Asparagus fern. Plus we are going to line the back fence line with red and pink Knockout Roses too. Maybe not this summer, but definitely next are back yard will be so full and lush...someplace you just want to be.

Until next time,
Justin...getting better???

Unhappy times...

Well, as you can see from the title of this post, things are not going very well for me lately.

Most of it has to do with R...of course. I am not saying it is all his fault but things are not good between us anymore. We bicker and fight almost everyday. I am so unhappy but completely powerless to do or change anything about it. I find it so hard to talk to him. And nothing ever gets solved, fixed, or really even talked about most of the time. It is a tough situation.

On the other hand, I am now watching my five year old niece full time. And will be doing so for the entire summer. And I will also have her brother who is ten part of the time too. I am so looking forward to doing this and spending so much time with them. I would go as far as to say this is the best thing going for me right now. I am not making very much money but the time I am spending with the kids is priceless...and my sister has done a lot for me so I am happy to return the favor. I am so thankful to still be a part of my family again I just dont have the words to describe it.

Well, I just cant force myself to go into the details of the problems with R right now...so I will continue to keep it all to myself and hope that I dont go crazy...

Justin, miserable again

Things are looking up...

I received some very good news this week.

I get to start babysitting my five year old niece. And sometimes I will have her brother too who is ten...they are my sister's kids. My grandma used to watch them but she recently moved back to Kansas...so now I will get to spend time with the kids but also be making money too.

That's right, I have a job. A job that I work the same hours as R, I dont even have to leave the house so I dont have to worry about transportation, I will still be able to do all my housework and cooking, and like I said before, spending time with my niece and nephew. I am very excited about this. The kids are very easy to watch. Kiah, was here five hours the other day and it went by very fast. She likes to play X box, watch tv, and run & play with the dogs in the backyard.

I wont be making a ton of money but a little something is better than nothing at all.

In other news...R and I are doing just fine. We are getting along pretty good these days. We bicker a little here and there, but that's normal. Doesnt every couple do it? We dont fight or argue, we simply express ourselves to each other. R does seem to expect a lot from me lately...he has been very moody. It wears me down quickly but I do my best to be supportive and not too bitchy. Over all, I would say I am happy and content...especially now that I have a job with some purpose. Being a nanny is hard but rewarding work and I think I am up for it...especially since the kids I will be watching are my family.

Justin, happy for now.
ps...expect updates more frequently

Weird

I have been feeling very weird lately. I cant seem to calm down and relax.,.which is weird for me bcs I have always been a pretty laid back kinda guy. I am not sure why I am feeling so unsettled lately.

Perhaps it is bcs I am so bored...I love being a housewife but often find myself looking for projects. I can only clean the house so much in a day and afterwards I am usually fidgeting and looking around for something to do. I would like to paint some rooms in the house but I think R wants to be involved in all that...

Speaking of R, things are going fine with us. Not great but not bad either. I think we both want different things and have different ideas about what a relationship is and what we each want out of it...I want intimacy and closeness and R wants a sex slave who never questions him. We do get along pretty good most of the time. Neither of us wants to be without the other so we just make the most of out things...I have learned to keep my opinions, feelings, thoughts, and ideas to myself unless asked. R usually interupts me when I talk and never takes any suggestions I have on anything. Everything is his way on his terms ( except sex and that is all I have ) and I dont let it bother me. Or at least I try...

I really do need to get my shit together and get a job soon. R has supported me for a long time now and he is starting to resent it. I really dont think he realizes just how hard I work here at the house...my entire life here is devoted to cleaning up after him and taking care of him. I do it gladly bcs he does support us but I do wish he would realize and appreciate it some times.
I just cant stand the thought of having to work a job ( that I will ride a bike to ) and then come home and do all the house work too. R is not organized neat or tidy and I am. I can not stand a messy cluttered house and R does not give it a second thought so I am sure I will continue to be the one who picks up around here.

Well, I am done bitching now. I didnt intend for this to be a rant but when I sit down to type what is on my mind, I never know what might come out...

Justin, unsettled but hopeful

Killing time

here in a hotel room in Chickasha, Ok. We are at one of Lukes baseball tournaments. It is easier to stay in a hotel than to drive all the way home just to come right back in the am...

Things are going pretty good lately. Nothing to exciting for sure. Day to day life with big daddy has settled down some and we have established a routine. Things are not perfect, but what is? I am happy and content living with my husband. There are issues from time to time but nothing we dont resolve within hours. We are both stubborn and def both want our way, which causes us to butt heads...

Other than that, there is really not much to share. Oh, I did find an old friend on facebook and have been chatting with her a lot lately.

until next time,
Justin

Brownie 3-5-08

Yesterday morning my precious dachshund Brownie was attacked by our neighbor's great dane. He died shortly after while I was holding him in the vet's office. We could have tried the surgery but the vet was not optimistic about it. It would have been a long and painful recovery even if he made it thru the surgery. There just wasnt much we could do except sit there holding him so he would not die alone. He died with his momma and hope he knows how much I loved him. He was the sweetest little guy and Cookie and I both miss him terribly.

We fixed the fence so this will never happen again. As soon as we left the vet's office without our dog R went into Home Depot and came out with supplies to fix the fence...we thought the holes were covered. They looked that way from our side but the people on the other side had placed a tire in one of the holes to patch it. Of course their huge dogs can move a tire. My poor little guy didnt stand a chance against them.

I went last night and got a new dog. I got him mostly for Cookie, who has never been alone. He and Brownie were from the same litter and never separated. It broke him heart to see him searching and looking out the back door for his brother. So far Cookie wont accept the new dog...but I am hoping with time he will. The new dog is a mini dachshund. He looks just like Cookie except only half his size. He has some issues peeing in the house...he likes to hike his leg and pee to mark his territory a lot. I can break him of that shit but if Cookie doesnt accept him, he will have to go. I just hope it all works out.

Other than that, things are ok. R and I are getting along. I think the loss of our dog yesterday brought us closer. It's sad that something like that happened but at least we had each other.

Justin, missing his special boy Brownie.

Almost Perfect

Things are going great for me lately.

Today is my six month anniversary with R. Our relationship is not perfect but it's not horrible either. I do love him and have enjoyed most of the time we have spent together. We both have to put in effort, which I think, makes us both appreciate it more. I hope we make it another six months, six years, ect...

M and I have been fighting lately. He hates R but only bcs he takes me attention away from him. In the 12 yrs M and I have been friends I have never before put a guy over him. And it's not that I put R over him. It's that I live with R, he's my husband not just a boyfriend that will be gone in 3 weeks. M expects me to drop everything and be able to talk to him whenever he wants me to. He has no concept that I might be doing something. I dont get angry or give him grief when I call him and he is busy. I just wish he would understand...

I am going shopping and spend the day with my Mom and Grandma this Saturday. I am so excited that I just cant stand waiting until then. I have not seen Grams since Christmas, two months. It will be just the three of us and I know we will have a great time.

I joined Facebook a while back and then forgot about it. Then, I had a couple of my friends find me on there and request to be friends. I accepted and have been checking it daily now. Well, I searched for an old friend of mine...and found her. It's Erin Ward, or now Albertson. She and I were friends before I met M. She was my M before he came along. She and I lived together for a while and everything. We had so much fun together. Before I met her I was so shy and timid and she showed me that being outspoken and standing up for yourself is ok. Being around her and kind-of adopting her personality gave me the courage to come out of the closet. See, she was very important to me. Even though it's been so long since we talked or saw each other, I still consider her one of the best friends I have ever had and love her dearly. She is so full of energy, laughter, and adventure it is hard not be love life and be happy when you are around her. We used to drive up and down this curvy steep road taking turns standing out of the sunroof while the other drove!!! We were so young and crazy but had so many good times together...

Well, I guess that's it. I hardly ever have any news to post and now I had a ton in one day!!!

Check back y'all, you just never know what might happen...

Justin, happy

Lately...

Things are ok.

R and I have been having quite a few ( little ) issues lately. But, have worked them out and seem to be doing ok now. We'll see if it lasts or not...

M came for a visit. It was quite a surprise. It was another good, lighthearted and fun visit. R didnt really mind but was a little pissed when he stayed two nights instead of one. Everything went fine though.

L ( the step son ) was here this past weekend too. It was interesting having L and M here the same night. Our weekend with L was kinda weird this time. I wont go into details, but do hope things look up soon...I think L is having a hard time with his Dad being. Well, being gay and having a live-in gay lover...

Overall, everything is fine. I am still feeling a bit unsettled but hope to get things under control soon. I hope to have a job within the next couple months too...

Much Luv,
Justin

Catching up

R and I have been back from our trip for a couple days now...life is back to normal.

We had a great time. My visit with M was awesome and R's work thing went well too, I guess.

We came back a day early and at first I was bummed but it was nice to be back home. R worked on Friday and I caught up the laundry and such. Yesterday we spent the day together. We shopped around and got new blinds for the dining and living rooms. Not cheap mini blinds but fancy ones...they have really wide slats and are white wood. We also got new area rugs for the living room. They are much better than the floral ones that were in there. Basically we changed the look of two rooms, and since they are adjoined, now they look for cohesive with matching blinds and such.

Then we went out to dinner but ended up coming after bcs my back was hurting. We hung out here last night and didnt really do anything special...

I had a great time on the trip but now I am looking forward to getting my life back on track. I need to get a job so I can buy a car too. Hopefully this will all happen soon...


Until next time,
Justin

Hanging in Little Rock

I am sitting here in the hotel room in Ar with M.
R is at work right now but we will be joining him for dinner later.

M and I spent the morning shopping. We hit a couple malls and had some lunch. It was such a nice time...just being out of the house and out & about.

I hope the dogs are ok at R's parents' house...I am sure they are wondering what the hell is going on and why they are being couped up in a barn. Oh well, I will be home to rescue them soon enough.

Things are going great so far on the trip. M and I are having a blast.

Gotta go for now, more details when I get home...

Justin in Ar

So excited

R and I leave tomorrow for our trip!!!

I have been looking forward to this for two weeks and cant believe it's tomorrow!

I think we are going to have so much fun. I will have a ball during the day with M and then enjoy time with my husband in the evenings. I dont know how many days we will be gone but it's looking like at least four.

Details when I get back...

Justin

So unsure

I dont know what is wrong with me lately.
I just cant seem to think straight.
I am constantly suspicious of everything.

I dont know if I am content with my relationship with R or not. I am going crazy thinking he is constantly up to something. Will I ever be able to trust him again? If I cant, how can I possible stay with him? Why is this so fucking hard? I know without a doubt that I do love R. He makes me very happy most of the time. But then, there's the rest of the time...which is horrible. We fight all the time. Mostly over stuff that seems stupid. Part of me thinks I am right, that he's a lying, cheating, scheming monster. The other part of me thinks I am being overly paranoid, that there's a logical, reasonable explanation to everything. Is there? Or, am I allowing him to convince me of his lies bcs I am afraid of what will happen to me if I have to leave him? I am so confused. I just want to be settled and happy somewhere...whether it's here or not.

Justin out

A great weekend

M ended up coming for a visit after all...

We had such a great time. He and R got along great, even better than I had hoped for...

They didnt get here until about 6pm on Sat, so we almost immediately got ready and went into town. We bar-hopped all night long! It was so much fun. This was the best and most fun visit M and I have had in a long time.

R and I are going to stay in Ar next week ( for R's work ) and I just hope the two of them get along just as good then.


Gotta go for now,
Justin

Goodbye Misery

I am feeling much better today. About everything.

My illness is gone. It's amazing to me how one day I am feeling awful and have a fever and then the next I am just fine.

R and I have also patched things up. We discussed everything and love each other so much that we really had no choice but to work things out.

M is on his way here for a visit. I hope like hell that everything goes well...meaning that he and R will get along. Not only get along but like each other. I am also hoping that teasing and making fun of me is not their common ground...but if it is, I will be happy to play along to keep the peace. They are both very important to me so I am hoping that everything will work out and I will not be put in the middle of them.

In other news, my Mom just came by. She and step-dad were in town having lunch so she brought my W2 and some new contact lenses to me. Her dad is an eye dr so I have always gotten my lenses for free, which has always been greatly appreciated.

Well, that's about it for now. Things have turned around for me in the last twenty four hrs and I could not be more pleased about it.

Much Luv,
Justin

So fucking miserable...

but this time it's not all R's fault.

I have been very ill for the last three days. High fever and intense stomach problems. It has not been pleasant.

There worse part about it has been feeling completely alone with no one to care for me. R says he does but it's very hard to see right now.

Things have been strained between us ( again. )

I recently found out that he did cheat on me with more than one person. He is now admitting to two. I know there's more and more to the story. I dont see how he thinks we can ever have a good relationship if he cant be completely honest with me. It is tearing me apart thinking that he could not only do something like that but then continuously lie about it. Why wont he just tell me so we can get past it? I was completely honest about me chatting with that guy with him. And all I did was chat via internet...there was never an in-person meeting. He was extremely bothered by it so you would think he would come clean.

He wanted to have a threeway last week. With the guy from here he cheated on me with. It got way out of hand but thankfully nothing happened. We would not be together right now if anything had. He chatted with guys online in front of me too. The worse part of that was that he was only trying to set something up for just him, not both of us...I am so fucking heartbroken again I dont know if I can carry on. I am so worried we will not be able to make this work. I have cried all day wondering...
We were fighting about our almost threesome and I walked out of the room. Only to come back in to find him online again. I left the room again and then came back to find him still online. He was in there chatting with guys instead of trying to patch things up with me. That hurts so fucking bad I cant stand it. I saw some emails between him and another guy and cant help but wonder if R ever did hook up with him...

Why does everyone I love hurt me?


I love him so much, but dont know if it will work out.
Justin the miserable.

Here I am...

Nothing has really changed much lately, so I have not really been doing many posts.

Things are great between R and myself. There have been a few bumps in the road but our relationship is stronger than ever. I hope stay together for a long, long time.

Even though I am perfectly happy spending my days here being a housewife, I am starting to get bored. I cant wait until I can get a job. Hopefully something easy, not too physical, and pays decent. I have such low expectations, I should have no problem finding something.

M is supposed to come visit us this weekend. I have not mentioned it to R yet. Things change so much with M that I dont want to bring it up until I know M is coming for sure. I did say to R last night that M was wanting to come visit soon, I just didnt say how soon...

If M's visit goes well I will definitely convince both R and M that M moving here is a good idea. Then I will have no problem getting driven back and forth to a job until I can afford to buy a car.
I am thinking that if I can get them to like each other it might even be fun living with the two of the them. M is so unhappy living with his family. They treat him like shit and he continues to let them run all over him. I can only imagine what it must be like living with your two aunts who are at least 13 years older than you...you know, they treat like a child.

Well, I dont really have much else to talk about right now....my life is almost exactly the same from day to day. I dont mind it that much. But I am really kind-of looking forward to a change.

Until next time,
Justin

Weekend Recap

I had a fantastic weekend with my husband...so on with the recap.

Friday R decided he wanted to go out to dinner. After we drove around Tulsa for about an hour trying to decide on a place that wasnt too busy, we went to Ruby Tuesday. It was good and I am sure we will eat there again.

Saturday we spent the day messing around. We went to lunch and then into Tulsa. We went to a couple of furniture stores and then some thrift stores but didnt buy anything. We hung out and enjoyed each other's company. We then spent the evening hanging out at home drinking wine and making dinner together. Dinner was great, we had steak with pasta and wine. Then watched some tv and continued hanging out.

Today, Sunday we have hung out at home doing stuff that needed to be done. Like hanging pictures and touching up some spots on the wall with paint. We moved around some furniture and changed a few things in the bedroom and dining room. I do appreciate that R has made an effort to use some of my ideas so this feels like our house and not just his. I think the place looks great now. In the next couple of years we will get new furniture for the bedroom and living room and completely re=do both rooms...but for now it looks great with what we have to work with.


So, here it is Sunday early evening...we just finished up an early dinner of turkey with mashed potatoes and gravy and are now just hanging out.

L will be here this coming weekend and now that R knows exactly how I feel ( about L sleeping in our room while I sleep elsewhere ) I am anticipating a fun weekend. Yesterday was L's birthday so this coming visit will be his b-day with dad. We are going bowling and then who-knows-what else...like I said before, it should be a fun weekend.


Until next time...
Much Luv,
Justin, content

Hmm...

Life is good.

No news, be it good or bad. Everything is still going very well.


There's just one thing...I seem to have lost my sex drive. I am still attracted to R, I just dont ever seem to want sex. R has been asking for it for the last two or three days and last night I gave in.
I didnt want sex at all. The whole time I was hoping it was almost over. R didnt do anything wrong or anything that I dont like, I just wasnt into it. I cant figure this out. Why do I all of a sudden not want sex anymore? I am not doing anyone else or even masturbating, so it's puzzling...

I cant exactly talk to R about this either. He thinks I dont want him anymore, or that there's someone else. Somehow I have got to get myself jazzed up for more sex. R told me the other
night that he didnt think I was physically attracted to him anymore and "If we dont have anything physical then we dont have anything at all." So, I guess I better want more sex or I will be dumped. Or at least that's how it sounded. If we dont have sex as regular as he would like he pouts, so it's not like it's he doesnt notice. He pressures me a lot...he would tell you that he doesnt but I am here to tell you that he does. Maybe if he wasnt all over me all the time I would want more sex. ??? I think so...

I know this post was about R but it was not bitching. Or whining and crying. So, I think this one is acceptable.

Much luv,
Justin, who has lost his mojo

It's Tuesday...

And there's nothing to report.

Life is going good. Still a housewife and mother.

My Mom came over last night. That was the most exciting thing that's happened in the last couple days. She came by to get the paperwork to send off for my birth certificate. I will need it to get a new ID, which is needed to get a job. I hope it comes soon.

I am currently on the phone with M. He is up to the same old thing. Still living in Ar. Still working for Jack & Tim. They are selling their house and building a new one and he seems to think he will move in with them and become their non-sexual houseboy. I dont see it happening...bcs they expect the sex, especially if he is living with them.

Over all I dont really have any complaints. My husband can be annoying as shit sometimes, but I am sure I annoy him too. I would say that we have a pretty good relationship now.

much luv,
Justin, out

Sunday morning musings...

It's Sunday and we just finished up breakfast...that I cooked. I must say it was great. Sausage, eggs, and biscuits and gravy. Yum.

I just realized that I now have almost everything I ever wanted. An adoring husband, a stepchild that's not annoying, ( and that doesnt live with us full-time ) and a lovely home. I have always wanted to be a housewife and mother... I know it's weird but I cant change how I am.

I am a little nervous bcs it could all disappear in an instant but I wont allow that to interfere with my happiness. It would be irrational for me to do that. I am going to live in the moment and enjoy things...

I do love my life with R. He does make me happy, even if I am not always able to tell him so out loud.

Gotta go, y'all.

Much luv,
Justin, the best gay stepmother EVER!!!

Day to Day

Things are going pretty good.

Nothing good or bad to report.

R and I are getting along good. Little spats here and there, you know normal couple "discussions."

Overall, my day to day life is good. Nothing to really complain about. My back has been hurting pretty bad lately, but I have come to expect it so it's not really newsworthy :(

L is still here, until tomorrow. Even though this has been a four day visit, it hasnt been bad at all.
I really do like the kid. He can be a bit hyper now and then but that's just a normal kid.

Things have been going good but there's still something bothering me. I cant quite put my finger on it though. I think I will feel more content once I get a job. I do want to go back to work but am also kind of hesitant about it too. I just hate the thought of me working and then coming home to all the housework too...bcs I know that's whats in store. R has said he will help me out once I am working but I dont really see him doing too much...especially not the laundry.


I am out of thing to say...for now.


Much luv,
Justin

Happy times :)

I am quite happy right now.

Things are going great between R and myself. I think we are finally past all the nonsense and have fallen into a comfortable and content relationship.

L has been here for a couple days and things are going great with that too. I think it's great that he chose to spend that last days of his Christmas break here with his dad and me. He is a good kid, I had no trouble at all yesterday with him ( he stayed home with me while R was working.)

I am happy and intend to do everything I can to stay that way.


Anyone happy for me?

Much luv,
Justin

Happy New Year

Well, it's officially 2008...and I do not have any good predictions for this year. I did have high hopes for it but you really never know.

I am beginning to think of New Year's Eve as just another day. A shitty one at that. I wont elaborate, just know that it prolly wont be any better than last year.

I almost hate the entire Holiday season.


I gotta go for now, I am so tired of bitching about shit on this blog that I wont be doing many posts unless I have something semi upbeat to say. I will be posting about things that happen but will try to keep the negative stuff to a minimum...of course it might be difficult considering the relationship I am currently in.


Justin 2008

A Lazy Sunday

Today is Sunday and even though we got up early, we are having a pretty lazy day :)

R got up this am and did some projects around the house ( finished putting away Christmas decs and ect...) and I vacuumed and unloaded the dishwasher. We both showered but also both put on pajamas afterwards. I just love lazy sit-around days like this. Sundays were made for just this...a day of rest. Like I said earlier, we did what absolutely needed to be done and are now hanging out and watching tv.

If you couldnt already tell...things are good between R and myself. I am sure there have been moments were each of us got on the others nerves a bit, but overall we are good together.

Not much else is new. I did go buy some new clothes with gift cards I received as Christmas gifts. I got a couple sweaters and a couple pairs of jeans too. I also still have about $25 left too.

Our dogs have continued to adjust nicely. I think they love it here. They should, they have it made. We take very good care of them and make sure they get plenty of attention.


All done for now,
Justin

It's been a while

Things are going pretty good for me right now.

Christmas was great. Spent the day with my family and watched the kids open all their presents.

Life with R is going pretty good right now. The Holidays were kinda rocky between us...but I wont go into it. Just know that everything is ok and we are still together. I do love him and hope that one day he will realize it without having to constantly ask me if I do. I am also hoping that we will settle into an honest, trusting, meaningful, and fun relationship. I firmly believe it will...

The dogs have adjusted nicely. I enjoy them most of the time. They are both a little needy and desperate for attention so I try to make sure to give them plenty. I do think they think they are my dogs. I spend the most time with them and are for the most part their care-taker. I think getting them was a good idea.

Other than that, not much else to report. My life is pretty much the same from day to day...and I am glad it is. I need a routine, even if it is housework and being a mother to two dogs. I always did want to be a housewife and mother and now I am...thanks to Rodney. I do love him and enjoy our life together, even if he is a horn dog! I suppose it's flattering that he is constantly pressuring me for sex. Seriously, it's everyday and sometimes more than once per day. I am trying to be more sexual and not just at night too. It's difficult bcs I am tired of always being a sex object for someone...even though R loves me, it's still the same thing.

Gotta go for now.

Much Luv,
Justin, feeling content

Things are back to normal...

Things have really changed with R and me in the last week.

We talked everything thru and are back on track now. We are settling back into a routine and hopefully we can be happy now.

I have not really posted much in the last week bcs I really wanted to think things thru before putting it all out there again. I have bitched and moaned so much about R on this blog and decided not to post again until things were better for me.

So many things have happened since my last post.

L ( my stepson ) was here for three days instead of the usual two. He and I spent the day together last Friday while R was at work. It went pretty good...not much to complain about. It's just kind-of weird for me bcs the kid is only nine but thinks/acts like he is much older. I dont want to encourage that behavior so it can be a bit awkward at times.

We also got two dogs. They are both males, brothers in fact, and are a year old. They are daucsands and are both cute and pretty well behaved.

I gotta go for now...hopefully this was the first of many good spirited posts.

Much luv
Justin

Why does everything have to be so hard???

I am hating life right now.

Things are not good between R and myself...big shock, right?

He is up to something and it's eating away at me bcs I dont know what it is. It's either drugs or he is cheating again. Or both. If he is doing drugs behind my back, then he is definitely cheating too.
I just wish he would come out and tell me what the hell is going on.

How does he possibly expect me to pick up the pieces and move on when there are more red flags and warning signs everyday?

He is either late coming home ( and doesnt call me but sends me text messages making me wonder where he is/why he couldnt call me ) or is up at very early or all night long too.

Like yesterday: when he came home from work he was very hyper, couldnt concentrate enough to form a sentence, was clenching his jaw, didnt eat dinner, and then was up most of the night too. Bottom line? He was high. Or at least it sure the hell seemed like it. If he is doing drugs, then he is def cheating while he is in town during the day. I think he got off work earlier than he said yesterday and was out getting high and then getting fucked by some stranger (again.)

Then today, he called and said he was on his way home and would be here in about 20 mins. Well, two hours later he sends a text saying he had to go back to work. Why would he wait so long to tell me? Why would he not call? Where the hell was he and what was he doing? It doesnt make sense...he is hiding something. I would over look most of these things but the being awake all night and saying all these weird things to me...almost the exact same things that he said after he cheated.

I hate that I am in this position, that I feel like I have to constantly be watching him. I wouldnt if he didnt give me a reason to...everyday.

Those two instances are only two of the many that have happened lately.

Maybe I am being too suspicious. Maybe things are exactly as he says they are. Or, maybe my gut feeling is right and he is making a fool out of me again.

Justin, single again.

Another day

It's Friday, which means I will be home alone all day, evening, and most of the night. R usually goes to his parents' house to pick up L on most Fridays. This one is his company Christmas party. I am not going, so I get to stay home alone. I didnt want to go and dont expect R to not go.
But still...I just hate it that I have to sit here alone on another Friday, the whole Friday. R says he wont be late, but the last party he went to he said he would be leaving by 7pm and it was more like 10pm, so I wont necessarily be waiting up.

Other than that, things are going alright between us. I keep dwelling on things he has said and done lately but am refusing to let them get to me. I know he is under a lot of stress and stuff at work so I am not trying to add to that. It would just be nice if I could get some attention from him besides him bitching about work, bitching about money, or crude sexual comments. I told him so over the phone today. I would like some "normal" conversation. I hated to bring it up, but enough is enough. I spend all day long alone so I need some human contact at night, that isnt all sexual.

Back to the money thing. It is a big issue between us. It's not an issue that is out loud though. He is always complaining about how broke he is but then always seems to have money anyway. I hate to think that him bitching about money is just so I wont ask him for any or anything. And I really think that is what the deal is...He thinks that by him saying he doesnt have any, then I wont ask for any/anything. The weird part is that I dont ask for him anything. In the three months we have been together he has bought me maybe three packs of cigarettes and just a few other little things...nothing major. Most everything I tell him is basic house stuff we would both use. Besides that, almost every time I do ask him for anything, he forgets. Which is really insulting. Five days ago, I asked him to bring home some Advil. I have a bad back ( for those who have been reading, you know it's really bad ) and was out of anything to take for it. So I asked R to bring something home. He didnt and I didnt bring it up bcs I was embarrassed for even asking, I definitely wasnt going to ask twice. So I called my Mom and asked her to get me some. So basically I have been suffering this week bcs my husband, who know I have a bad back forgot about me/didnt think about me one more time. I am telling you, everything else is a priority and I am just supposed to make due with what is left. I dont make an issue out of it though, bcs that's what a good "wife" does. I just hope things get better for us again soon.

In other news...my Mom is coming to visit tomorrow. She is bringing over the things I asked her to buy for me. You know, thing I would not ask R for...and some that I did and that wasnt important enough for him to remember. Anyway, this will be the first time they have seen each other since I told Mom that R cheated on me. It should be interesting. I dont really think she will bring it up or say anything to me, but R will be so uncomfortable wondering about it that it should be fun for me to watch. I know it's wrong of me to want to watch him squirm but he has put me thru yet another trying week...

Justin out

Lately...

Things have been ok between R and myself. Not great, not really even good, just ok. I am not saying things are bad, bcs they are not.

The last couple nights after dinner R has kind-of ignored me. Like last night, he was all into his new blackberry and tonight he's kinda in a bad mood.

It's become that he basically has nothing left for me after he gets home from work. He does make all kinds of sexual comments to me...bcs he is expecting sex later. We dont really spend quality time together so thankfully we are still having sex. It's like that's the only time we are really close or something...

His job has become more demanding lately. So he's either tired or in a bad mood when he gets home. I would think the half hour drive would give him plenty of time to think so he could be decent to be around once he's home. I feel like maybe I am being a little hard on him but I am a little pissed. He says over the phone when we talk during the day how much he misses me or wishes he could be here with me...but when he is here, he hardly acknowledges I am in the room. So, it's kind of hard for me to believe it when he says it...which makes me doubt other things he says.

Which brings me to the new blackberry. I have made up my mind that I am not going to be suspicious of it. He could very easily use it to arrange a hook-up but I must believe that he wont. I dont really think he would but really, you just never know.

I am sorry I have rambled on about my relationship with on another post. It's just that this is basically my only outlet to get it all out. I just hope things will work out for us. It seems that he can barely stand to be around me lately, except for sex anyway. Whenever I try to talk to him, he doesnt pay attention or changes the subject. He doesnt talk to me, except to bitch about work or complain about his life. Hopefully a time is coming when we will settle into a nice comfortable life together...without all this weirdness and distance between us.

Maybe I am just being to sensitive about everything...I just dont want to settle for a half-assed marriage when I know it can be great. I just dont know how to make it happen.

Justin done

Eh...

I am just kind-of here today. Not in a bad mood, not in a good mood...just here.

Last night went pretty good with R. We had dinner and then just hung out and watched some tv.
He was an hour late coming home but I wasnt really suspicious about it. It would really be helpful if he would call me ( instead of text me ) that he is going to be late. When I talk to him, I feel much better but when he texts me it makes me wonder where he is/what he is doing that he cant call me. I know that sounds silly but you never know. Then today he texts me that he is going to lunch with his boss...another example of "should have called instead of text." Some thing, I cant help but wonder why he couldnt call me.

I am doing much better these days with the suspicions and doubts. But it's pretty hard to do. It seems like each time I decide it's time, something happens that makes me change my mind. It's like everyday there's something that seems like a red flag. Like this morning, R wakes me up at like 6:30am. He has already showered, gotten himself ready, ironed his clothes...and was in the bathroom with the door shut on the computer. I tell you, it's extremely unsettling to wake up and find your unfaithful husband up and ready an hour early and in another room online. It's like he could be up trying to set up a "before work hook-up." R has told me that he has done that before...before we were together. Maybe if I didnt know all of his former bad habits, I wouldnt be so suspicious. I dont know, the whole situation this morning was weird for me. We argued a little bit and then made up before he left for work. Maybe sometimes, the situation is exactly as it seems, and there's nothing going on. I just help shake the feeling that there's something I am missing or something I dont know...I will just have to try to get over it.

I am hoping that R and I will settle back into some kind of routine. Like we had before I went to jail and he went to San Fran and cheated on me. We have been off balance ever since.

I have also got to get a job. I hate not working. I hate not making money to support myself. I have so many obstacles in my way before I can even look for a job. Pray for me everyone, I can use all the support I can get right now.

Until next time,
Justin...on the mend

What the hell is going on?

Yesterday I spent the entire day cleaning R's house. I did everything he asked me to do.
I cleaned the kitchen, including mopping the floors. I cleaned the bathroom. I did laundry then unloaded and reloaded the dishwasher. I vacuumed the entire 2200 sq ft. Then I made dinner.

I was in such a good mood when he got home. I figured he would notice all the cleaning, we would have a great dinner, then watch tv and have sex before we went to sleep.

None of that happened. When he got home he was in such a weird and distant mood. He smelled different ( he said he used someones hand lotion ) and didnt really talk to me all night long. He basically came home, ate, read the paper, then went right to sleep. It was so weird. When I asked him what was wrong, he said he had a rough day. Maybe he did, but he said "it's not what you think." Then later said "I will never cheat on you again." That was weird too. I wasnt really even thinking that...ok, I was a little. I was being rational though, how could he have cheated if he was at work having such a bad day? It was a red flag that he brought it up, twice.

I want to trust him and give him the benefit out the doubt but it's very hard for me. When he comes home acting strange, smelling different, and then making those comments...what am I supposed to think? All I know is, he better not be cheating again or else...

Then this am he wakes up early again. Just like yesterday. Why is he getting up so early? What the hell is he getting up to do? Something I wont see? Something he shouldnt be doing? All these red flags and warning signs are starting to add up...

Anyway, he wakes up at like 4:30am ( I was awake bcs I had just peed and couldnt stop thinking about this shit ) and he says a bunch of nice things to me. Like, he is sorry for his mood, sorry for the way he acted towards me, sorry for not noticing how clean the house is, sorry for falling asleep so early, sorry for a whole lot of shit. Which was nice, it did make things easier for me.
Except for he keeps making comments about me not working...even to the point of making jokes about pimping me out. I am definitely getting tired of his comments...but I can handle them.

I dont really think he is out cheating...I am a little bit suspicious but that's it.
I just hope he is telling the truth about everything. I am starting to suspect that he is doing drugs though. Maybe that's why he is getting up so early. I have suspected a couple of times now that he is on something but I cant tell for sure. I hope he is not...but I could handle drugs much better/easier than more cheating.

I am going to do more house cleaning today and then try to be in a good mood when he comes home. I just hope he is in a better mood than last night. If not, we will be in for another uncomfortable evening.

Wish me luck,
Justin

Finally...

things are looking up.


After an exhausting week fighting with R and battling a cold, I am feeling better.

I have decided to let my anger and distrust go. I simply can not continue on the way I have the last week or so. I must learn to trust R again, if I want to be happy.

Since a small part of me will always wonder about R cheating again, I will always keep one eye and one ear open...but will stop trying to constantly catch up. I will stop going thru his phone ( kinda have to bcs he's getting a new blackberry ) stop checking his emails ( sent & received ) and will also stop being constantly suspicious. I will just have to trust him at his word until he gives me another reason not to. I am not proud of my snooping but really felt it was necessary at the time. I felt so shitty about him cheating and had convinced myself that he would do it again, or that he was already ( and had been the whole time ) doing it. I got a little crazy but really couldnt help it. I was just so blindsided but it all...

I feel confident in my choice too. I really think I can have a great relationship with R, and a happy one too. He really is a stand-up guy. I enjoy spending time with him, we have fun together, and the sex is great too. He is kind and treats me very good. He can be a little spacey and inconsiderate sometimes, but I guess I have pretty high expectations too. Bottom line, I love him. Love has not come around much for me in my life so I intend to make the most of it this time, which I hope is the last time. Isnt that weird? That I want to spend the rest of my life with someone? Someone I am already with...I cant believe I finally found him. Now I just have to make sure neither one of us fucks it up again. :)


Justin, getting happy

Feeling better

Sorry for the crazy ass posts earlier.

I was out of my head. I am back now. I am pretty much back to normal.

I am not sure exactly what my problem was...except R was being a jerk to me. Or, at least I thought he was. We were both frustrated and prolly shouldn't even back spoken to each other until we had cooled off some. The whole situation could have been avoided, if we had been smarter about it. I was so hurt and feeling very fragile and needing some love. Unfortunately, I didnt get it. I got the opposite of that...as R was pissed and didnt really understand why I was upset. I couldnt find the right words to tell him what was wrong. Basically we were both at fault. Me for not being more open with him. R for being hateful, and down right mean.

I do love him though. He said to me a few minutes ago " we are so good together if you will let me love you. It was really sweet but at the same time it kinda bothered me. What doesnt bother me these days? Not too much...


I think we will make it thru this if I can let him in. And, if he can find it in himself to convince me that he really wants me with him.

Thank God this roller coaster ride doesnt require tickets :)

Justin

What now?

I have cried all day today.

I am so alone and lost. No one is there for me when I need them. I have nowhere to turn.

I have packed my things and am all ready to move out of R's house. I have agreed to wait until his son goes home but really dont even want to go. I just feel like I should. Like, he doesnt even want me here anymore. He says he doesnt want me to go but his actions are so much different from his words. Why is he putting me thru so much turmoil? Why cant he be nice to me...I just want him to hug me and make everything ok. I want him to make me feel loved? Why cant he do that for me...for us? What did I do to deserve this?

Why cant anyone ever be there for me?
Why cant anyone ever be supportive when I need it?
Why do I continually get kicked when I am already down?
Why is it so hard for anyone to love me?
Am I that hard to love?
What is so bad about me?

Justin lost

Why cant anyone love me?

I mean really love me. Without having to hurt me so much.

R and I are in big trouble. I dont think things are going to work out between us. And it's killing me.

He brought L home with him last night. Then I got kicked out of what was supposed to be my bedroom. I was of course upset and R just treated me like shit. Then expected sex, which I gave him bcs I feel like I have to. If not, he will go elsewhere again. So, I got put in the guest room, and then was used and discarded like some piece of trash.

This morning, R didnt even wake me for breakfast. He could only wake me to come in and make me feel badly. Why am I the one who gets cheated on and then the one expected to let it go and make everything all better? R is acting like I have done something wrong. Why cant he see how much everything hurts me? His words and his actions do not match up. I wish he would just have to guts to tell me he wants me to leave, and then let me leave peacefully.

I guess I should just realize my place. It's equal parts maid, cook, and sex object. I guess I should also realize those are the only things I am good for. You would think I would have caught on by now, as it's been happening my whole life. I just hoped it would be different with R. I really thought he loved me...but once again I was made the fool. I have never been hurt so bad as I have been lately by R. He has completely ruined me and now I just want to die.

Why doesnt he love me? What did I do to make him stop? Why cant I ever be enough to make someone happy and satisfied with just me. That' all I have ever wanted.
Now I sit here typing and crying wondering what will become of me...

I have no one to turn to. No one left who cares about me. I am hurting so bad and am all alone.
My life is such a disaster...and you would think I would used to it by now. Will I ever learn?

How did things get like this? How could I have allowed myself to get in this situation?

Alright y'all. Once again I am sorry for such a dreary post. There prolly wont be anymore posts anytime soon, where I am going there are no computers.

Justin out

Just chilling out at home

R is gone to pick up his son ( L ) at his parents' house tonight. Which leaves me with more time at home by myself. I am just sitting here...wondering about a few things.

Like, what the future holds for R and me. Will we get past all of our recent issues? Will we be able to move on and really be happy together? Will we stay together but not really be happy at all?
I just cant help but wonder...


I spoke on the phone with R for about an hour this evening. It's really amazing how he just allows himself to say anything he wants to me. I know it's meant with good intentions but sometimes he really pisses me off and/or hurts my feelings. I am not sure if I am being overly sensitive bcs of what he has done...or if he is just too brutally honest. Maybe it's a little of both.

I am at peace right now bcs I know where he is and exactly what he is doing. But I have to accept this will not always be the case. I am going to really have to work on trusting him again.
It will be difficult with him having a blackberry and working extra hours...giving him both the time and the ability to cheat again. You know, like saying he was working late and then using the blackberry to go online and arrange something. Do I really believe he would do that? At this point I just really dont know what I should think...
Like I said before I am just going to have to trust him.

Another thing going thru my head is my job situation. I really need to get back to work very soon. Like I feel like I should already be working. I need to be making some money, so I will have some money if R should do something stupid again. That way I will be prepared if I need to suddenly leave him...which is a huge fear for me. I just hate that he cheated on me and I was kind-of trapped here, so I had no choice but to forgive and move on. I dont want to find myself in that situation again. If it should happen again, I want to have money set back...just in case.
If it happens again, I will definitely leave him. With or without having money set back...having money would just make things smoother. Anyway, I dont really think it will happen again.

I am still fighting with M too. I have not talked to him since early this afternoon. He is angry but for no reason. He suddenly changed our plans and expects me to just drop everything. I think he is being unreasonable. I mean, really, he decides ( without asking me ) to change our plans by a day. A day earlier at that. I have told him all week long that we could do something this weekend but I could not leave until Sat afternoon at the earliest. So, when we talked today ( Friday ) and he tells me we are going today...well, let's just say it didnt go well. I told him I was not going and then he got pissed. Then he text messaged me bitching that he could not believe I was not going with him. Like I said, I could not go until the next day. I had already told R that I was not leaving until Sat. With things the way they are with R, I didnt feel like I could just leave. Not without seeing him or knowing that things would be ok between us. Doesnt M realize how delicate the situation is? My relationship with R is not in a very good place right now. Definitely not in a good enough place where I can just up and leave in a minutes notice.

Anyway, sorry I have bitched my way thru another post. I promise there will be some more lighthearted posts coming soon. Perhaps I will find a job that will provide some funny material for posts. Let's hope so, and hope it happens soon too.

Much luv to everyone still reading my train-wreck of a blog.
Justin...almost back to normal "real" Justin again :)

Does everyone have to fuck with me?

It seems like every where I turn someone is messing with me or wanting to fight with me.
And I have had it...

M and I have been making loose plans to go out of town for the weekend. When I talked to him yesterday he said he didnt even know if we could go or not. I told him I could go on Sat but not Friday. Now, that's Friday he wants to go today. Says he is going alone now and cant believe I am not going with him. Does he not realize how delicate my situation with R is right now? It's just not the best day for me to be leaving...not with things the way they are right now.

I talked to R during his lunch. He is worried that I might have someone else on the side. Can you believe that shit? He thinks I have someone else! He is depressed bcs things are different between us...it has been a rough and very different week for us. I cant help it. He cheated and now I am suspicious that he will cheat again, of course things are different. Now he thinks I am cheating? That just makes me even more suspicious...

M is texting me complaining that I am not going with him. If he was dependable or stable I might have been able to make some final plans, not just "what if" or maybe.

I gotta go, I am sick of complaining about my shitty life.
Justin, sick and tired

Today's Post

Things are going ok for me today.

Last night's dinner with R went ok. There was nothing major he needed talk about. He simply wanted to go out and eat. It was pretty nice, we went to an Italian restaurant where we both had pasta and wine.
Then after dinner we came home and R was trying to be all sexual. I wasnt feeling it at all and removed his hand from my body. That didnt go over well at all...We both ended up going to sleep. He was upset this am bcs we didnt have sex last night. He was in a bad mood and didnt want to go to work either.
Then he tells me on the phone that he thinks something is up with me. "It's been five days!" he said. I reminded him I have had a cold all week, that nothing is up. But still, the nerve of him to be suspicious of me. Like I am the unfaithful one. Bitch, please. I mean really, he's the one that cheated and the one that is still acting all weird. Like, he's guilty or something.

R tells me he is getting a blackberry. Which is great, right? It's the ultimate tool for the cheating husband. Now he can use it to get online and arrange hook-ups any time day or night. I wonder if thats his intention. Maybe he is getting so I wont be able to go thru his phone anymore. At any rate, I am not excited about him getting a blackberry. Not at all.

We just talked on the phone and he is all depressed sounding. He is upset bcs he thinks there is something going on. There is, dumbass, you cheated and now I am pissed the fuck off!!!!
I guess he assumed I would get over it quickly? Who knows...?
He is still upset bcs we didnt do it last night. My back was hurting and I was so full, I didnt feel sexy at all. And there was really nothing he could have done to have gotten me turned on either. He says he misses me. But, he's only worked like three extra hours this week. I told him so and he said he feels like he hasnt seen me lately...more weirdness.

I really think he is up to something. I am not sure what, but it's something I intend to find out.
He is acting all weird, being gone more than usual, all of a sudden getting a blackberry, and projecting guilt on me...so much weirdness.

gotta go,
Justin

This is not good

R texted me and said "we should go out to dinner tonight and talk."

Weird, right?

Usually the only reason someone wants to take you out to "talk" is when they want to dump you. Or have some really bad news. It's like you cant make a scene or overreact when in public.

The whole thing just feels weird.
What is he up to?

I am really starting to think he is up to something. There have been too many red flags and so much weirdness and weird behavior for me to think otherwise.

What the hell am I going to do if he is still cheating
If he is...
Even if he is not cheating but up to something else, I will leave him. Immediately.
I am thinking about doing that anyway...

Why cant things just get back to normal?
Or at least calm down some?

gotta go...R's laundry needs to go into the dryer.
You think he's got something going on the side and just keeping me around to keep his house clean and his laundry done? Oh, I also cook for him too...

Justin out

What the hell...

is R up to?

I have not heard from him in like 3hrs. I know he's at work ( or should be ) but he texted me earlier and hasnt responded back. The weird part is that the last hour was his lunch hour.

I sent him a text asking him if he was going to call me during his lunch and he never responded. Which is weird. He always calls me during lunch. Sometimes two or three times.

Who the hell is he with that he wont call me? What the hell is he doing that he cant call me?
Even if he had a "working" lunch, he would have texted me.

Does he really think I am so fucking stupid that I wouldnt catch on?
Does he really think I will stick around if he continues cheating?

He just texted me about a new hot construction guy. Fuck him. He is so stupid. It's like he just has to keep pushing my buttons and pissing me off. Why cant he be the good boyfriend he thinks he is?

He better get right and get real.
Or he is going to end up alone.

Justin the husband hater

I am worried

There is something up with R...

He was over two hours late coming home last night. I wonder if he really was working though.
When he got home he was so freaking hyper. Which is unlike him especially if he had such a long day. He was acting all weird too. I cant help but wonder if he was on speed. And if he was, then he was definitely out fooling around.

He also kept getting text messages last night. He only responded to one but then this morning he had already deleted everything from his phone. I know, I shouldnt still look in his phone but I cant help it. It is weird that he deleted all his sent and receive texts and also deleted all his received calls. Weird...

Then this morning he had to be at work at 7am. I want to believe thats true. I dont really think he would get up that early just go have an affair. But he was so weird this morning. He was all cheerful and just ready to go, which is unlike him too. It was like he was ready to go bcs he had something to look forward to. I wonder if he is doing drugs during the day.

And he also didnt call me this am. He calls me every day while he is driving into work. Today was the first time he has not called. More weirdness...it just keeps getting better and better.

So, between him being late last night. Being in a really weird and hyper mood. Erasing everything from his phone. Getting up and being so cheerful and weird again this morning and him not calling...I am feeling really suspicious and skeptical.

Part of me thinks he has been cheating the whole time. Part of me really thinks he has someone on the side still. Maybe not someone regular but maybe has regular affairs with different guys. I just really hate to think that he would do something like that but I just cant ignore my gut feeling on this. It's just all so weird.
Maybe he really did have to work late last night. Maybe he wasnt on drugs. I really do believe him that he had to work this morning though.

When will I stop being so suspicious?
When will I feel like I can believe what he says and trust him again?
I dont know...I just cant shake the feeling that he is still fucking around on me.
Like he has been and just didnt think he would ever get caught. I hate feeling this way too.

I gotta go...more housework to get done.
Maybe I should also get a boyfriend on the side. I know it wouldnt be hard for me to find one. Not hard at all... :)


Justin out

so confused

I talked with R last night and then again this am about how I am feeling.

Which is not good. I cant help but dwell on things. I dont want to but I cant get the thoughts out of my head. I just cant seem to shake the feeling that he is still hiding something. And that he planned the whole thing. I just cant seem to let things go. And I really need to if we are going to stand a chance. I just dont know...

I really hate things the way they are. How can we get back to being happy? I think we can, if I can set aside my anger and resentment. Part of me is mad that while I was locked up suffering and alone, he was out doing drugs and hooking up with other dudes. It really pisses me off when I think of it like that. How dare he be so quick to give himself to someone else while supposedly missing me and wishing we were together? I just dont buy it.

I am also having issues with the way he is dealing with it. He is acting like I should just get over it. That he has enough stress in his life and doesnt need me adding to it. He basically told me to get over it and move on or I could just leave. Nice, right? My cheating husband is so thoughtful, isnt he?

Another part of me wants to cheat on him now. Just so he will know how it feels. Maybe then he will understand why I am so upset about it. Maybe. I just hate to stoop to that level just to teach him a lesson. It would also crush him...which I would hate to do.

I know my posts are starting to get redundant but I cant help it right now. My thoughts are mostly occupied with thoughts of R and his cheating. You know this is my diary, so I have to post what is on my mind.

Hopefully I can stop thinking these thoughts and move on soon. Wish me luck...

Justin

I still hate him

I just cant help it.

I have forgiven him but still can not forget it. I keep having these horrible thoughts about him and other men...bcs I know it was more than one.

Maybe it's not justs that he cheated. Maybe its not that he repeatedly lied about it right to my face. Maybe it's not that he planned to do it, which I really think he did. It's really that he went so far with it. He didnt just fool around with someone, he went all the way. Really, he let some other man do the most intimate thing possible. He wanted some other man to...and it is killing me.

I could never allow someone else to do anything sexual to me when I am with someone I love. Much less, plan to, and then go out and do it. I really think he planned to fool around while he was gone and didnt think I would suspect anything, much less find out about it. I think that's worst part about it for him, that he got caught. How could he possibly think so little of me to do something like that. How can I possibly forget about it and move on?

Now I am faced with doubts that it will happen again. Remember not too long ago I thought he was cheating? I am now wondering if I wasnt right about that too? Just bcs he denied it doesnt mean it didnt happen. I just couldnt find any proof that time.

I just cant get past the fact that he could have sex with me and then less than 24hrs later be having sex with some random stranger who lives across the country and that he will never see again. How could he risk our relationship for something that was so "meaningless?"
And the fact that he continued having sex with / or trying to have sex with other men right until the moment I got out? That one is hard to take too. He was out doing drugs and doing who knows what with who knows who. Yep, he was online looking for dick the very same day I was getting out...who knows, he was prolly looking for dick when I called him to come get me. Or, he could have even been on his way to fuck someone for all I know. I wonder if he was already with someone or arranging something for later if I didnt get out. I am sure he was...

How am I going to get past all this? I really thought I was doing a good job with it and then yesterday I started having all these thoughts and doubts all over again. It sucks. I hope I can get past all this soon bcs it's tearing me up. It's making me want to leave R for good. I cant stay with him if I cant get over all this. It's causing me to resent him...which is not good.


Still confused. Still scared and worried. Still trying to be hopefull but it's getting hard...
Justin

Getting back to normal ?

Things seem to be ok between R and I . We spent the entire weekend at home just us and did nothing but lay in bed and reconnect. It was pretty nice. I have pretty much forgiven him and now I only have a little part in the back of my mind that's still wondering...

I do love him and think being with him is my best chance to be happy. I just wish this whole ordeal had not happened. I am really deep down having a hard time accepting it. I have these thoughts of him with another man or see the words he typed out seeking sex from other men. I still dont believe that there was only one man over the entire ten days. I am thinking it was closer to 5 or so. That's about one per day while he was in San Fran...I just will never believe that with all the gay dudes there and as hard as he tried he was only able to make it happen just one time with one man. I will also never believe that he was unable to make something happen with someone after he came back home. I will always believe that he had someone over and had sex here, in what was supposedly our bedroom and our bed. There was too much evidence left for me to see. Which is another thing...it's like he wanted me to catch him. He told me a tiny bit to make me suspicious and didnt even bother to cover his tracks. He left all the emails on his comp., left all the calls and texts on his phone, left a receipt for the theater at the midtown bookstore, I mean really, if you are going to be scandalous you should be smart about it. And he wasnt.

I also hate the financial strain all this has caused. I think he spent a lot more on drugs than he is admitting too and now he is trying to recover. Maybe not though...again, I might never really know the truth. Which is hard for me to accept. I hate not knowing. I hate that he is willing to spend the rest of our lives together with secrets and lies hanging over us. I can deal with the cheating ( multiple times or not ) because I know about it. It's out in the open for us to deal with. It's all the things he is still lying about and keeping secret that is bugging me. How can he look me in the eye and respect our relationship while doing so? I know I couldnt do it. The guilt would weigh me down heavily. I would have to tell. Doesnt he know I dont care? Doesnt he realize I can forgive him anything now? Well, accept cheating again. I made it very clear that I will leave him if he does it again. After all we have dealt with recently, there is nothing he can TELL me that we can not work thru. It might not be pleasant but it would be better ( and healthier ) for our relationship if he would give me the truth, the whole truth, and the rest of his "story" so we can deal with it now and completely move on. Otherwise, it will always be there hanging over us and our happiness. I think we will be happy together but not completely. I dont think you can without honesty and trust. Right now, I dont think he has either...what is he hiding that could possibly be worse than what he's already done? He should have more faith in me...


gotta go, I am tired of "talking" about this shit
Justin the skeptical

Why does everything have to be so hard???

I have forgiven R and we are moving on but I am having some issues and difficulties forgetting.

Maybe it's bcs he keeps bringing it up. Maybe it's bcs I dont think I can trust him. Maybe it's bcs I still cant get the thought of him with other dudes out of my head. Maybe it's bcs I still have hatred for him...I cant help it. Maybe it's bcs he annoys the shit out of me. I just dont know...

I am still having doubts as to his loyalty. I just cant help but wonder if he will do it again. Part of me wants to believe that he wont but the other part thinks he will. It's bcs he still wont be completely honest with me about everything...or at least I dont think he is. I guess I just have to accept the fact that I will prolly never know. Oh, yesterday I looked thru his phone again. I found where he sent a text message to someone saying " I cant bf home." I dont know what the text he received said but that was R's response. It's like he would have done whatever, but didnt just bcs I was home. Not bcs he didnt want to, or bcs he shouldn't but just bcs I was home. Hmm...that one has really gotten under my skin. What if I am not always around to prevent him from doing something stupid. Will he ever be able be stroing enough to say no without me being right in front of him? Will I ever be able to set aside my suspicions and move forward without feeling this way? Will my hatred ever fade away completely? How, oh how can I really allow myself to open up and have the kind of relationship I deserve? I think it might be too late. I guess only time will tell for sure.

I promise there will be some more lighthearted posts coming in the future. I promise. Even if I have to break it off with R and leave town...I will once again be happy and let it show here on my blog.


Much Luv,
Justin the husband hater

I think I love my husband again

I know it sounds weird but I just cant help it.

Am I crazy? Should I have held out longer before letting things "be back to normal?" Hmm...

We had sex three times within 24hrs yesterday. It was the first time we had ever done anything like that. I am not sure why it happened...especially considering that I initiated it the last couple of times. Maybe I was trying to let him know how hot sexual I can be if needed. Perhaps so he wont go looking elsewhere for it again? I just dont know. And I am not trying to figure it all out right now. It's a little late for second guessing now...there's no turning back now.

Gotta jet for now. Thanks to all those still reading, I know things have been a lot different lately and hope future posts can be more lighthearted and fun. :)


Much Luv,
Justin

Made it thru the rain

I have picked up the pieces and decided to stay with R. That's right, I am giving him another chance. I dont really want to go into it too much right now...he's right beside me but will give more deets as to why later.

Also, I have changed to the title of the page. Now it's kind of a pun. You know, because my name is Justin...

Gotta jet for now but will do a more detailed and thorough post later.

much luv,
Justin

painful days

I am having even more difficulties.

I gave in tonight and had sex with R. I shouldnt have. Now I feel completely fucking gross. Dirty and gross. How could I have after everything? I dont know why I did it either. R was starting to kiss my back and stuff and I wanted to stop him but then I didnt. I hate myself for allowing myself to have sex with him. And so soon too. What the fuck was I thinking? Wow.

I was in such shock when I discovered all those emails asking dudes to come have sex with him in R's computer that I didnt really digest all of them right then. I was so shocked to actually find an email confirming my suspicions that I blocked all of the others out. There were several emails from dudes confirming that they were on their way or almost there but I didnt even bring those up. I wonder exactly how many guys he really did have sex with...I will prolly never really know the whole truth. I just wish he would completely come clean with me. It's not like anything more would make things worse. He will only admit to having sex with just the one guy bcs thats all the " proof " I showed him I found. That one was enough. The guy thanking R for the sex. Saying they should flip flop the next time. R responded " it's my turn to pound you next time.' That tells me that the guy had already "pounded" R. He even used that word tonight while we were doing it. So creepy...

Also, I cant stop thinking about an email that R sent someone after he was already back in Tulsa. It was a response to someone asking him what he was doing or wanted to do. The response? "sitting here wanting to be used." R was offering to let someone use him. He wanted someone to come over and use him. That fucking kills me that he wanted that. That we was trying very hard to make it happen. The best part? This was the night before he knew I was coming home. Oh, and the time with the guy from above, well it took place the day he left. He cheated on me as soon as he got there. We werent even apart for 24 hrs before he was getting fucked by some other man. And then were going to be back together in 24 hrs when he offered to let someone "use" him. That is so fucking gross I cant even stand it. It totally makes me sick to my stomach. Oh, and I havent eaten hardly anything in three days too. I am so jacked up that I cant eat or sleep. I hate him so much for making me feel this way. I just can not seem to understand how he could do it. At least not if he loves me. And definitely not if he really loves me the way he says he does. I just cant hardly believe this has happened.

And now, after going thru all this in the last couple days but not really been around each other that much we get to spend the next three days together bcs tomorrow is the day after Thanksgiving. All of a sudden I cant stand the thought of even being in the same room with him. It is so painful for me. How am I ever going to get past it? No, seriously, tell me how bcs I have no clue. I hope I didnt give R false hope by doing it. Even after he ripped my heart out thru my throat, I dont want to see him get hurt. I would never want to hurt him...he is so fragile. Why the hell do I even care? Why do I still love him? Especially when I know I shouldnt. I know it. I am being so stupid for thinking anything will change. Maybe it will, for a while but I feel it in my heart that eventually he will do it again. You know, once a cheater always a cheater. Also, I did some research online about cheaters. R displays an alarmingly high chance of cheating again. He classified as a "multiple cheater." He has all the characteristics. Like, he wouldnt admit what he did. To me or himself...which in his mind becomes that it didnt happen. Also, he didnt come to me to talk about it or try to work it out. I had to force him to talk to me. He gets mysterious phone calls a lot that he doesnt answer. There were more too but I cant remember bcs it's two am and I have been up for nearly a day without sleeping much. Again.

Something else has occurred to me. The day before he left, he had to make a sudden and suspicious early morning trip out to his parents' house. He got up all early and went out there. And didnt try to get me to go with him. I thought maybe he was borrowing money and was embarrassed or something. When I really think about it, I think he went into Tulsa to buy drugs to take on his trip. It makes sense because all evening Sat he talked non stop about drugs. Then he told me during out argument that he had bought drugs to take with him. Then said he didnt, that by saying that he purposely bought drugs to take makes him seem like he was planning to have a bunch of random sexual encounters. Which I think he did. I really think he planned to do everything he did. Another reason? In one of his emails to someone while he was in San Fran mentioned he was fucked up and wanting to get fucked. The only time R likes that is when he's on meth. And, if he really wasnt on it, and get fucked while sober, that is messed up too. He really did a number on me, didnt he? I cant believe he schemed so hard to deceive me. He got carried away and got to complicated, so there's no way he could have kept it a secret. And if he would have? Well, it's nice to think that I could have gone thru the rest of my life with someone he was being a deceptive lying cheater. Because that's exactly what he is.

I hate him so much right now.
Justin...pretty much single again.

It's Thanksgiving...

and I am miserable. I spent the day with my family but didnt really enjoy myself bcs of all that's going on. I cried all day long. It kinda freaked my family out but I simply couldnt help it.

I now officially know that R did cheat on me. I snooped thru his computer and found all the emails he exchanged with dudes trying to hook up with them. Nice, right? He was not even concerned enough to try to cover his tracks. It's like he wanted me to find out. He has completely ruined our entire relationship. I cant possible imagine how it will ever recover.

It's not enough that he cheated ( in the worst and most intimate, personal way...he got fucked by a complete stranger ) but then lied to my face for two days about it. I had the computer up and read the email to him before he would admit it.

How can I get past all the hatred I have for him now? How can I put all this behind me and move on without seeming like a pushover? I feel like if I stay with him and move on it will make me out to be a door mat. And practically give him license to do it again. And I truly believe if he has an opportunity, he will cheat again. How can I ever learn to trust him again?

What is it about me that makes this keep happening to me? Ever person I have ever loved or given my heart to has done this. It's a vicious and rough cycle that I feel I should break now. If I do leave him, I will be single for the rest of my life. After this, I will never be able to love again. I will never be able to open up and give my heart to someone ever again.

What should I do? How can I carry on?

Lost, alone, struggling, and heart broken
Justin

Really struggling

I am having such a hard time dealing with my hurt feelings toward R. I am so hurt and was blindsided so hard by his cheating that I just dont feel the same love towards him anymore.

I am really struggling with it. I do love him but dont think I will ever be able to trust him again.
I am still in shock over all of it. I just cant believe he did it. I have never been so heartbroken in my life. I am at such a low right now. I truly feel like my spirit has been broken.

R is not doing so well with it either. He just wants things to be like they used to. I am trying to get him to understand that it will take time. I just cant immediately go back into the "all happy and lovey dovey" that we were before this happened.

He is still denying it too. He said " I cant believe I almost lost the best thing that ever happened to me, over something that didnt even happen...or happen the way you think it did. " I was like excuse me? The evidence is too damning not to be accurate. Like I said before: I will never be convinced that he didnt cheat. So, now it is official: every single boyfriend I have ever had has cheated on me.

Life is great, isnt it?

Justin out...

Let's catch up

Get ready for a shocker.

I spent the last ten days in jail. I got stopped taking R to the airport early Sun morning Nov 11th. I had a warrant for an old ticket I never paid. Was taken to jail bcs my license was expired. Who knew?

Anyways, ten long very rough days in jail. The county jail. It wasnt completely bad as it could have been much, much worse.

The best part? When I get out I find out R has spent the last two days doing drugs and hooking up with other guys. He denies it but there is too much proof for me to believe him.

On the way home he tells me he has done drugs and has been online chatting with people but never did anything with anyone. Well after we get home he gets into the shower so I go thru his phone. I discover he has called several old tricks and has exchanged text messages with tricks too. Texts confirming he was going to hook up with people. One of the texts from a guy asked if they could hook up and fuck. R's answer was "you got it." He also went out to the bar one night too. I think he brought someone home with him or had someone come over. The comforter was pulled off the bed and there was lube out on the bed. The comforter has not been pulled off the bed since the first weekend I met him when we were doing drugs together and he had been having dudes over...dont want to ruin the comforter now. Also when sorting out the laundry I found a receipt for him going to the bookstore and going into the theater. There's only one reason guys go into that theater. It's dark and there's a huge screen playing porn. R says no one was there and that he didnt do anything. If he didnt do anything it's only bcs there really wasnt anyone there. But even if he didnt, he still tried really hard to do something and that is just as bad as actually doing something.

So, between talking and texting on the phone, the internet, the bar, and the theater in the book store he really expects me to believe he didnt do anything with anybody. While he was on meth. Yeah, right. I am not stupid. He says he tried all those things but never did find anybody to do anything with. But he sure tried real hard too. I will never believe that he didnt have sex with anyone else. Just the fact that he tried so hard hurts me just as much as if he would have followed thru...which I firmly believe he did.

So, here I am pretty much forced to stay with a lying drug addicted cheater. If I had anyplace to go, I would leave him immediately. But, I have no choice but to stay.

So, how bout that? Jail time, unfaithful husband...what a great time in my life this is.

Justin out

Date night

Last night R and I went to a TU basketball game. Then out to dinner. The whole evening was very nice.

The company he works for gets season tickets for Tulsa University basketball games so we decided to go last night. We sat next to some people he works with and they were very nice. We had dinner at Tally's, which is R's favorite restaurant. It's pretty good considering it's like a greasy spoon diner type place.

R and I are getting along great. He has loosened up some and is not so intense all the time now. He is no longer telling me he loves me every two seconds too. I really think we could settle into a great and long lasting relationship. I am just hoping to find a job soon that is not standing in our way.
Well, I wouldnt say standing in our way but it is starting to become an issue. I guess eight weeks is a long time without a job.

Anyway, gotta run for now.

Muc Luv,
Justin

Another Sunday morning family breakfast

I just finished up making and then eating breakfast with R and L. We had three berry pancakes.

Ok, I need to admit something. I am really starting to like my new step son L. He is witty, smart, and cute as a button. I could really get attached to him. R keeps telling me not to let him bond with me if I dont intend to stick around...how rude is that shit? He says I can hurt him but not his son.
I have no intention of hurting either one. I love R and I am beginning to love L too. I normally am not into kids that are not in my family but it's different with L, as he's my husband's son...which kinda makes him mine too. I am even starting to look forward to his visits here with us. Another admission...I have had fantasies about how our lives would be if L came to live with us. I really think I would love it if he did but doubt it will ever happen. It would be so nice though...we would be such a happy family as I would see to it that.

In other news...well, there is no other news right now.

Much Luv,
Justin the wonderful & fantastic step mom

Afternoon ramblings

I am hanging out here at home today. R went back into Okc with L for a football game. Kinda crazy if you ask me...to drive 2hrs there and 2hrs back for a game that only lasts one hr. I would do it for my son if needed so I dont even give it a second thought that R did it. I would think badly of him if he didnt.

Anyway... I have decided not be so hard on R. I have expected a lot from him lately. Damn near perfection. It's hard to achieve for anyone. He is scatter-brained and sometimes inconsiderate but I dont exactly communicate well either. I should be more forthcoming with what I am thinking or needing and not expecting him to guess at it. And then punish him severely if he gets it wrong...or just doesnt get it at all.


Relationships are so fucking hard. I have not had a really serious one in so long that I had forgotten. I suppose it's worth it if the one you are with is actually The One. But, how do you know for sure if they are? No, really I need to know. I feel like I am at the part of my relationship with R that it's too late to turn back. But, I still have doubts. I simply cant help it. I do love him but we have had so many issues lately that it's starting to seem more trouble than it's worth. Wait, that was unfair. I wouldnt want R to feel that way, so it's really unfair of me to think it and very unfair of me to publish it too. He doesnt read this anymore, as it's my diary and all. What's the point of having a "spill your heart out kind-of blog" if you are just going to let your husband read it?

Ok, I feel like I have rambled on enough for now. I just cant help it. This blog, for me, is like my outlet. I type whats happening in my life, my feelings, and secrets so: when I sit down to type I start thinking about what all has happened since my last post and that's what you get. Sometimes, it's all about R, sometimes it's good news, and sometimes it's just a bitching rant. :)


MUCH LUV
Justin

Waiting around...

I am sitting here waiting for my husband ( yes, it's still R ) to bring me some breakfast. He and L went to get donuts but that was like and hr and a half ago. Hmm. R is so inconsiderate sometimes. Unless you are right in front of him, he wont give you a second thought. I mean, come on, it's almost noon and I have not eaten anything today yet. Why? Because there's not a damn thing in the house to eat. He has been too busy to shop for food the last couple days. Is there anything less important to him than taking care of me? I guess not...

R worked it last night so L would fall asleep on the couch so I could sleep with him ( mostly bcs he wanted sex. ) This morning L woke up before we did and came into R's room. R almost immediately kicked me out of the bed and out of the room. Seriously, he said to L "come get in bed with me, and Justin can go lay on the couch." Excuse me? I am the one still trying to sleep, why do I have to be the one to get out of bed? And then he nudged me out of the bed with his hips. Sometimes I want to slap him...

Oh, I wonder how he's going to react when I tell him I am going to spend the week with M is Ar while he is gone to San Francisco. Hmm. I am going to stay with M bcs I dont want to be trapped out here in the middle of no where for five days. No car or food in the house...no thanks.

At this point I dont really know for sure if R and I will make it. I would like to think we will but I really need to be with someone who isnt so damn scatter-brained. I mean more considerate. Also, me being cast aside so quickly and completely every other weekend ( while L, the son is here ) is a bit hard to take too. I expected it a little but damn, it's like I dont even exist. The son is nicer and more considerate to me than R.

I just dont know...there are so many issues and obstacles in our way.
Justin the confused about his relationship

Update

This week has been quite interesting to say the least...

After my big blowout with R on Tuesday we decided to blow off some steam by going out on Wednesday...which was also Halloween. We went to about three different gay bars here in good old Tulsa, Ok and had ourselves a pretty decent time. I actually drank a couple more beers than I intended to. Calm down, I only had six total. Binge drinking is acceptable if you only do it a few times per year, like I do :)

Anyway, we ran into one of my former boyfriends, Joseph. It was nice to see him but I felt nothing. No desire to take him back. I only need to have my heart ripped out by someone once to learn my lesson. After seeing Joseph at one bar we went to another, Renegades. I spent a lot of time there after I first moved here back have spent very little time there in the last three or four years. A nice time was had by both of us. We watched a little of the show and chatted with some of my old friends.

Then on Thursday we had another rough patch. I wont go into the specifics of our personal life here ( it was partially my fault that's why I wont give details. ) It was so bad that we didnt have time to work things out and make up before he had to go to work on Friday morning that he had to come home during lunch!!! Not good, right?
We did make up and I have faith things will work out just fine...


In other news, my step son is here for the weekend again. It seems like only yesterday he was here. It is amazing how quickly time passes...getting off topic so let me re-group & re-focus.
He is only here every two weeks. Oh, he has a football game in Okc ( where he lives with his mom ) tomorrow and then goes home on Sunday afternoon. So, he wont actually be here at the house very much at all this time. Didnt get here until almost 10pm tonight, gone for the majority of the day tomorrow and then leaving for home Sunday afternoon. I actually dont dislike the kid like I do most kids. Well, ok, I only dislike kids I dont know. Like strangers kids. They make me uncomfortable. Once I get to know them it's ok. I am kind-of little, by little, getting to know "L." That's my step son's name L. Husband's name is R and his son's name is L...just a little reminder for y'all there.

Anyway, it's midnight and L is finally winding down so I better go for now.

Much Luv y'all.
Oh, remember me asking you guys to pray for me and my husband? This time I need everyones support for me finding a job. I desperately need one and am starting to lose faith. I have applied to at least ten places here and have had no luck. None. Anywhere.

Justin ( still coupled up ) juglover