Eh...

I am just kind-of here today. Not in a bad mood, not in a good mood...just here.

Last night went pretty good with R. We had dinner and then just hung out and watched some tv.
He was an hour late coming home but I wasnt really suspicious about it. It would really be helpful if he would call me ( instead of text me ) that he is going to be late. When I talk to him, I feel much better but when he texts me it makes me wonder where he is/what he is doing that he cant call me. I know that sounds silly but you never know. Then today he texts me that he is going to lunch with his boss...another example of "should have called instead of text." Some thing, I cant help but wonder why he couldnt call me.

I am doing much better these days with the suspicions and doubts. But it's pretty hard to do. It seems like each time I decide it's time, something happens that makes me change my mind. It's like everyday there's something that seems like a red flag. Like this morning, R wakes me up at like 6:30am. He has already showered, gotten himself ready, ironed his clothes...and was in the bathroom with the door shut on the computer. I tell you, it's extremely unsettling to wake up and find your unfaithful husband up and ready an hour early and in another room online. It's like he could be up trying to set up a "before work hook-up." R has told me that he has done that before...before we were together. Maybe if I didnt know all of his former bad habits, I wouldnt be so suspicious. I dont know, the whole situation this morning was weird for me. We argued a little bit and then made up before he left for work. Maybe sometimes, the situation is exactly as it seems, and there's nothing going on. I just help shake the feeling that there's something I am missing or something I dont know...I will just have to try to get over it.

I am hoping that R and I will settle back into some kind of routine. Like we had before I went to jail and he went to San Fran and cheated on me. We have been off balance ever since.

I have also got to get a job. I hate not working. I hate not making money to support myself. I have so many obstacles in my way before I can even look for a job. Pray for me everyone, I can use all the support I can get right now.

Until next time,
Justin...on the mend