Life...

...has been pretty rough lately.

Work is crazy right now...put in 56 hrs this week and no day off for another 5 days too. I just hope it is all worth it later. I have been promised my own store.

My relationship with R has been like a roller coaster. It is constant up and down with us...
He has been cheating and did in fact cheat while he was in Portland...he never admitted the whole truth or what he did with how many people though. I caught him, and this time he admitted it and we are seeing a counselor. I hope this is worth it too. I dont trust him and maybe I never will...

My sister and J got married two days ago. I was not invited...I was called and informed. She said the only people she invited were her witnesses...our parents. So, I was the only one in our "family" that was not there...which really hurts. I am very happy for her and wish them a lifetime of enviable happiness together though. If anybody deserves ( and has worked for ) a good life its my sister...I love her so much and hope all her dreams come true.

Back to my dreams... and I have no clue what they might be....I am unhappy with my life the way it is but am terrified to try to make any changes. I have been out of school for so long and have done so many drugs that I am afraid I wont be able to learn anything. I really do want a change tho...its just easier said than done. I cant imagine how hard it would be for me to try to get a degree, work enough to support myself, and maintain a relationship with R all at the same time. My sister makes it happen bcs her husband is trustworthy and they have a solid relationship. I can not say the same. Becoming the store mgr of a subway would be great...but I really dont think I like making sandwiches...but enjoy the rest of the job. Weird, right? I am so torn and confused by my entire life right now...everything is so unsettled....

On top of everything else...my back has been hurting a lot lately. I mean fucking killing like it used to...man, this is all I need.

So,
Will R and I make it?
Will I get my own store? Soon...?

Justin, pretty much freaked out.

Wow...I cant believe its been so long

So much has happened, so much has changed.

I am still with R. Our relationship is rocky right now but hopefully getting better and more stable and trusting with the help of a counselor. I wont really go into all of it right now bcs this post is about something more...

I am still employed at Subway. I am the asst at the store I work at now and have been promised my own store by the owner. I can not wait for this to happen for so many reasons. One of those being the money. Another being that as a current store mgr I should have no problem ever finding another job at a rest as the mgr.

Tomorrow is my ten year anniversary. Ten long years with a horrible, fatal disease. I cant believe I have made it this far doing so well...especially considering I was a drug addict for about four of those years...and considering those were recent years while I was taking meds too. I am so thankful and consider myself very lucky to be in good health and able to do the things I do in a day ( like put away a 60 something case truck in 10 minutes. )

I usually celebrate this day eating dinner with my family. Sadly, this year my grams wont be able to attend. She is still living in Ks with my aunt. I miss her more than anything. Of all the things I lost due to drugs, she is what hurts the most. I still talk to her and see her occasionally but its not the same. I think about her all the time and have some guilt over everything that happened. She has forgiven more but it kills me to think about how things would be if she had not. She has always been the only one I knew for sure was in my corner...no matter what I could count on her. I still can but still...its not the same. I started watching dancing with the stars and cry each time bcs we always watched it together. I just wish she really knew how truly sorry I am and that I really have changed this time. I really am different...

This year I am going to eat with mom ( who cant make it until 6:45 bcs she cant miss her kick boxing class ) and my sister. I do love them both, but these days I am really just an outsider with the two of them. I knew this would happen eventually but I didnt know it would hurt so much...although they have recently started to include me in some things. I suppose I should be thankful they allow me in their lives and have forgiven me too. R will be coming with us too. I am glad my family likes him. Mom likes him a little too much... her take on it is that if I am with R she does not have to worry. My sister likes him too which is nice. I am thinking it should be a nice dinner. I will be thinking about grams the whole time though...

Did I mentioin I got a car? Yep, got it all on my own. I real loan in just my own name and everything. I was expecting to have to buy from an in-house finance kind of place and pay twice too much for some piece of shit that I would be embarrassed to drive. I ended up getting a PT Cruiser. It is the limited edition and very nice. 2002 with only 79k miles for only $7000. I hope it lasts and is a good car.

All in all my life is not bad right now. I have a lot to be thankful for but still a lot of work to do.

Justin, optimistic.

let's catch up

This is my first post in the new year...hope it is a happy one for everyone.

My New Year's this year was kinda dull...which is ok with me. At least it was not horrible and there was no drama or bullshit.

Things have changed a little for me. I am now working at Subway. I started today and it was not bad. Of course it was my first day and you never can tell that soon...but so far, so good. At least it is daytime hours...which means I can be home at night with R.

Speaking of R... he and I are doing alright lately. There has been quite a few little spats but overall nothing major. This could change as I am typing this so wish me luck.

I am just at odds right now. So much can change, should change for me but I am so impatient. I am so fucking ready for things to turn around for me. I just cant stand waiting anymore. Soon I will have a car ( most likely not a car I really want but still a car ) and things will really change then. I will prolly get a second job to save some duckets should I need them...just in case my car should break down or perhaps need to find a place to live. I sure hope not but you just never know.

Well, it's 2009 and I cant believe it. I was not ready to let go of 2008...I had more to accomplish in that year. Damn it, 2009 will be the year I make it all happen. No more sitting around...

Justin, hopeful

sick of it...

I am so tired of always being supportive to those who need it but never receiving any support in return. I feel myself turning cold on the inside...I really just dont fucking care anymore.

R and I have made up ( for now ) but things are so shifty they could change in a second. Since he has been home he has ignore me, been all whiny and moping around, and has slept like at least 12 hours a day, and is just weird acting...

I cant help but wonder what the fuck is going on with him. I just dont understand why he is acting the way he is...he has a great life and makes a lot of money, yet is still unhappy. My life is in the toilet right now ( walking to work as a waiter in a shitty little diner ) yet I remain positive and upbeat even though there is no chance for any change any time soon...well fuck it, I cant be uplifting and shit all the time for someone who should not even need it...and can not return the favor at all. Hell, he cant even manage a kind word now and then...

I am facing problems with my family too. I wont go into it but I will say that I am very unhappy. My relationship with most of them is just as shaky as my relationship with R...and that is rocky at best.

Justin, out...of patience.

some things never change...

R has been out of town for business the last two weeks. While he has been gone, I have had this really weird vibe...which is never wrong.

He was unavailable for several hours at a time. Like, he didnt answer his phone and would call back hours later and say he was asleep. Which is very hard to believe bcs it is so unlike him.

I could tell he was acting weird yesterday when I picked him up. He was distant, quiet, and just acting strange. He acted like he could care less to see me or not. And, he had this really strange expression on his face.

The most incriminating thing is that he didnt even try to have sex with me last night. So, this morning, I checked his lap top. You know I found several things on it that should not be there. Like naked pics of himself, face pics of himself, and a pic of some strange man that I have never seen before. These were all saved to the desktop on his work lap top...which is very strange.

I should have known this would happen. I knew it would...my feelings are never wrong.

wonder what sorry ass explanations he will have this time...but he cant lie his way out of some strange mans naked pic being saved on his desktop...

Justin, fooled again

Dodger 11-09-08

The unthinkable happened today...

My beloved little sweetheart Dodger got killed by our neighbors dogs like my Brownie did last March. This time was much, much worse though. I happen to be out in the backyard this morning picking up trash and stuff. I heard a really loud yelp and turned around and only saw Cookie. I ran over to the fence and jumped up and saw Dodger in their yard. I jumped over the fence and their dogs ran off and my precious little sweetheart was lying there on the ground. He was still breathing and I could not get him back over the privacy fence without hurting him so I yelled for R to come outside and help. By the time he got out there and we got him over to our side he was gone. I was so devastated...I could not let him go. I carried him around forever wrapped up in a towel. I just could not bear the thought that he was gone. Now, I cant stand the thought that he is outside down in the cold ground all alone without me. I miss him so much already. I am so in shock that this shit happened again. I hate that I was outside right when it all happened but I could not do anything to help him bcs I didnt get to him in time. He layed there and died right in front of me just like Brownie and killed by the same dog too. Man, talk about a rough day.

The worst part is that L was here for it too. This was our weekend with him. He was in the house with R when it actually happened thankfully. He was very upset and cried a lot...just like we all did...especially when we buried him. It hurts so much to have lost another pet. This is my third in the last year or so. First was Andy...who I blogged about back in 2006. Then Brownie...we could not save him even though we took him immediately to the vet...but he still died in my arms. And now today, Dodger. I wish I had picked him up so he would not have died laying on the ground. I didnt know he would go so quickly. This is the saddest part to all that has happened to my lately. I saved him from a lady who had big dogs that picked on him and thought I was keeping him safe but it didnt happen that way. R had just fixed the fence last weekend so we had no idea there was a new hole...he had filled it in last weekend too.

The police came ( for the third time this month. ) And so did animal control. There is nothing they will really do since there is no city ordinance about dog on dog violence. We can sue them but that will most likely cost more than we will get in damages anyway. Overall, I dont care about getting money from them. I just want them to pay attention and keep up on the fence maintence. They said they would put their electric fence back up. I hope so bcs I am scared for Cookie to be out there. I would not be able to handle something happening to Cookie. He is my baby and he has always been... He usually wants little or nothing to do with anyone else but me. Daschaunds are like that. They pick one person and cling to them...or at least that is what I read online about them. I was that person to Brownie and Dodger too. I am the one that cares for their needs so it was natual they would choose me...plus I spent the most time with them.

So, to sum up. In the last couple weeks:
My house was broken into and all my jewelry was stolen...along with other things too.
My marriage almost collapsed and I got into a physical fight with R and the police came.
My marriage has been horrible since getting back together and I dont know if it can be saved.
My dog got murdered right in front of my eyes.

There is not much more I can handle right now...and am hoping for some peace and calmness...


Justin, sad.

So confused....still

Well, R and I are still together...for now anyway.

Things are strained to say the least. We are still fighting a lot. The weird part is that it is always the same fight over and over. Nothing much gets resolved. I am willing to admit my faults and realize what should be done to try to change but R refuses to acknowledge any wrong doing in everything. He just wants to turn everything around on me. I of course, force him to face reality and realize his faults and his part of the blame in whatever happens to be happening at that moment.

Our biggest issue is still sex. R's whole world revolves around sex and if he has it or not. I had been hopeful that as time went on that this problem would diminish some but it has not. And prolly wont ever. He just can not get past that mind set. I guess he spent too much time being a meth head and having tons of drugged up anonymous sex to come back from it. I, on the other hand could care less about having sex everyday. A couple or three times a week is plenty for me. I also refuse to be in a sex based relationship too. We have been together and lived together for over a year and that is long enough that we should not have to have a sex based relationship to remain close to each other. It is now and has always been our biggest issue. Well, that and trust.

So, what should I do now? Do I leave him? My brain tells me to...I caught him cheating again this week...I discovered naked pics of a dude in his email and it took him three days before he could be honest and admit how and why they were there...for the longest he insisted that he didnt know how they got there, who the dude was, and that he had not even seen them. I know it was bullshit bcs he always does this. He fucks up, I find out and confront him, he denies it as long as he can, but then finally comes clean when he cant lie anymore. He chatted with some dude on yahoo messanger ( alegedley ) but didnt meet him or fuck him. But he immediately took a shower when we got home from work the night on the date the pics were sent. He, in his mind does not think he did anything wrong...which means he will just keep doing it over and over.
Hell, this is prolly the 13th time this shit has happened anyway. I cant believe I fell for another fucking cheater. I just knew this time it would be different...bcs I chose a different kind of guy. But, I guess it does not matter what they look like, how old they are, or their lifestyle and job...all gay men are the same. At least the ones that I have met are....all lying cheaters. I really should have known this would happen bcs of the drugs and stuff but I thought that after a while all that would fade from his mind...like I said, wishful thinking, right?

How the fuck can I possibly stay with him and make it work? Each time I start to be nice and want to forgive and forget...he starts acting hateful. And stays hateful and silent for days. Then, I stay hateful and silent for days after him. Viscious cycle, but we cant seem to get past that either.
He has pushed me too far to want to be the bigger, better person. I simply dont care. I cant allow myself to get too emotionally involved when he might cheat or throw me out of his house again any day now. He does act as if he wants things to get better and stay together... but I cant help but wonder why. If he really loved me and really wanted to be with me, he would not be doing all these shitty things that he should have to make up for. I could never, ever cheat on someone that I loved. Never. I have cheated to get back at someone after they cheated on me...but that was years ago. And not since. I have not had any sort of anything with anyone since the day I met R. I meant it when I told him I loved him.

I just want my life to calm down and be peaceful...even if that means leaving R. If we cant work out our differences and be happy together, then we should not be miserable together....
I sometimes wonder if R does want to break it off with me but does not have the heart to tell me and that is why he could cheat. Or, maybe he is just a dog. Who really knows for sure? It's not like R can be counted on to really tell the truth. Man, there is just so much to get past. Like, last night when he left me in town and came home without me. I had to have a co-worker drive me home...and was humilitated about it too. He expected me to have sex with him after that too! Can you imagine? Needless to say, we didnt know a damn thing. I didnt even want to lay beside him I was so hurt and mad. He said he forgot...which was no defense at all. See, if he can forget me so easily on something as driving home, then he should have no problem forgetting me when he is having sex with someone else...God my life is so incredibly great.


Oh, and I hate my job too. It was torture every second.


Justin, absolutely fucking miserable.

I can not fucking believe it!

In the last couple weeks R and I have been thru a lot. Including a fist fight...pretty much my first ever...and I am 32...and it was with my husband. It was very weird and L was here for it too. I dont want to go into it right now...but we got back together. I moved back in his house and things seemed to be going alright. Oh yeah, he had the police come and make me move out of the house. He called them bcs he wanted me to leave immediately and I was not going without my things...anyway, the police let me get my things and no one pressed any charges. Things were getting back to normal when we suddenly got into it again. Over sex as always... We didnt have sex one night and he thought I had led him on all day ( I didnt ) so he was hurt and pissed. Well, we have been fighting a lot for the past couple days over the sex thing and have not really had all the way intercourse either...we did but he didnt get to finish the way he likes so to him it didnt count.

Well, today I get a very weird feeling. I call him at my last break and he freaks out. He kept saying " you want to come home now?" But then he insisted he was not at home. Weird for him to ask it like that if he was at work.... Well, he picks me up and is acting all strange like. He is saying his stomach hurts ( which I think is a cover story. ) We get home and he does not eat his dinner. He then takes a shower...which is very weird. I log into his yahoo email and find naked pics of a dude that were sent and read by Rodney at noon today. How the fuck did the guy get R's address? Why would he send them randomly today? If not asked to or something by R.
I just can not fucking believe I came back to him and his lying cheating ways. I am sure he will have some story and will stick to it to the end, but there is simply no explanation for how the pics got there other than the obvious. My main delima? Is that there is no way for me to confront him about the pics bcs I would have to tell him that I know his email password...which he will freak about...it does make me look kinda crazy but when your husband is a lying cheater you have to do whatever it takes...and he is kinda lazy to use the same password over and over on everything so it was not hard to figure out. So, what do I do? Stay with him and act like nothing is bothering me until I am better prepared to leave him? Do I confront him and have him turn everything around on me for opening his email? Damn, I am all kinds of confused.

I am fucked up about coming back to him and facing the reality that things will always be just the same...he will continue to do this and blame me for everything by saying that if I would take care of his needs he would not have to go elsewhere...is which absolutely stupid and a cop-out for not wanting to face his own despicable behavior. I cant believe I wasted over a year with who I thought was THE ONE only to find that he is just like all the rest...I guess I should have realized he would always be this way when he cheated last year and lied about it right to my face...over and over again he looked into my eyes and lied about it all the while knowing he got fucked by some stranger in California and then back here too including in our bedroom in our bed.
God, how could I have ignored those signs? Damn it....


Justin, single again...for the last fucking time.

Let's catch up...

Well, I still have my job. I still hate it but at least I get a paycheck every week.

I did get my license back...but did not get the car. It is a long story and it is prolly for the best that I didnt get that particular car at that particular time...

I am so unsettled.... Maybe bcs I didnt get the car? Maybe bcs I am still under R's thumb? He has loosed up some by letting me drive his car...which is a nice thing for him to do. But, we are still having major problems. As always, it is the sex. He just will not relent for one second about it. Each day I know that at some point he will make some sort of comment about it. Another thing that has not changed...his wondering ways. I woke up early this am ( about 5:30 and discovered he had been awake in the night on his laptop back in Leo's room. It was moved back before I woke back up this morning but I still knew it had been back there and he had been on it...

Well, he and L go to get some donuts so I popped the laptop open and discovered he was on some porn site. I dont really care if he watches porn but he had also been on craigslist...he went thru the msm and the casual encounters lists. Some of the ads he had clicked on were still purple ( they change colors once you have clicked on them) so who knows exactly what he was up to. Or, who he chatted with or made arrangements with too for that matter...

I guess he will never change. I just simply can not trust him and it looks like I never will be able too in the future either...if we even have a future together. I almost hate him. I cant fucking believe he would do this shit again...after he has promised me he would not. He will most likely try to turn it around on me and make it seem like it is my fault he went on that site and shit but I am not falling for it again. Just because I didnt have sex with him does not give him license to go online for other men. To me, that kind of thinking is just fucking stupid. I hope I can manage to get a car soon, so I dont have to put up with this shit any longer. L is here so we have not had a chance to talk about anything...but typing it out sure helps give me some perspective.


Justin, miserable.

double edged sword

As with most things in my life...once something starts going well, everything else falls apart.

I have got a job and am bringing home a paycheck every week. But, it is kinda small.
I have paid off all my fines. But, it took every dime of my tax return...both state and federal.
I have completed all my dui classes. But, that too has cost bigtime.
I am now able to get my drivers license reinstated. It will cost more than the classes did. And...I have to pay extra to get this non-owner liability insurance...I guess since I was caught driving without a license, I am not sure why.

The very part is that I have managed to buy a car. I dont exactly have it yet but it should happen in just three more days. I have to go Monday morning and get insurance, then go get my license reinstated. Once those two things are completed...I should be driving my new car. It is a 2005 chevy cobalt, 4 door, white, and very cute. It is the LS version and has lots of cool features. It has really nice aluminum wheels, a spoiler, and power everything with lots of controls on the steering wheel too. I dont really like a white car but I will make the exception for this one. I really like it a lot. It only has 40,000 miles on it which is not bad for a three year old car. I just have to make sure everything goes according to plan on Monday morning. Oh, God, please let this happen for me...But, it has caused lots of problems between R and myself. I wont go into them but it has been bad. Really bad... He says that the car is not the reason...but it mostly is. I love him and want things to work out between us. I suppose I will just have to wait and see what happens. I really just hope I get the car. It is the only thing missing in my life right now and I want it so bad. It is a much nicer and newer car than I was expecting to get, and I can afford it.

until next time...
Justin, licensed driver and car owner.

Man, what a rough one...

This week has been very rough....

My new job is horrible. I fucking hate it. It is not even close to anything I would like. I realize, that no one really likes their job but damn, this one is just plain awful. I wont go into details about it right now...just know how I feel about it. I hope that something else will come my way...but until then I can stick it out. I dont know how I can possibly look for a new job as I work Mon-Fri from
9am to 6pm. Oh well, at least it is a job that is not hard, is in an office environment, and is close to R's work so we can ride into town together. And, maybe it will get better...but I doubt it.

I have also been kinda sickly this week too. I have not felt well, had no energy, and have lost seven pounds without trying or altering my eating habits. I am going to the Dr in a couple weeks and will bring it up then...but maybe it will pass before my appt. I just feel kinda weird bcs I dont know what the hell could be wrong with me.

As for my relationship with R... it has been rocky this week too. We have both been stressed due to our jobs ( his is crazy stressful and I hate mine ) so I think that has a lot to do with it. We are broke right now too. We both get paid tomorrow so that should help a little. I hope things settle down between us. He told me earlier today that he hopes we can be happy and that he wants our relationship to be more stable. I am hoping for the same thing. I feel that he could be the one... ( my only reason for doubts are mostly my issues ) and the longer we are together the better chance my doubts will fade away. Our one year anniversary is coming up in a couple weeks, which makes this the longest relationship I have ever had. I am almost 32 and am totally ready to be settled down and hope that we can work thru anything that comes our way. Dont get me wrong, not all of our problems are his doing...I am just as much to blame.

Well guys, that's about it for now...wish me luck in the job situation. God know I need it.

Justin, hopeful.

Falling into place...

Well, it seems like things are finally starting to turn around for me.

I found a job. I started last Monday...it might not be exactly what I want but at least it is not waiting tables or in a restaurant of any kind. I am doing verifications for a company called Data Exchange. It is Mon-Fri daytime...it doesnt pay a lot but thats ok.

I filed my taxes. I got an earned income credit and my return doubled. I am even getting a refund from the state this year. With the stimulus check I will get almost $1300 back. That should take care of all my fines I have not paid yet, get my drivers license back, and everything....I should be able to buy a car within six months now...

I just hope things continue this way. I am so optimistic and eager that I just cant wait. It has been so long since I could be proud of myself and that day is finally coming. My sister said on the phone today that she is proud of me for getting everything taken care of and getting my life back on track. It will be so nice not to have to worry about having fines hanging over my head and so fucking awesome to have a drivers license again...and to have a car again...well, that would be the very best thing ever...

Justin, looking forward to the future...

It's a start

Well, I got a job. It is an office/clerical job...much like the last job I had...or at least I hope the new one is similar as I am not exactly sure just yet what it will be like. I have gone for orientation but will start working on Monday. I am pretty excited but not overly so, I dont want to face a let down so I am being low-key about it until it I know for sure. I wont be making a ton of money but anything is better than nothing.

As for the current situation between R and myself...it is ok. I am still not ready to discuss all of what went down with us...just know that things have calmed down...for now. I am not very optimistic about things but you never know...anything is possible. I just hope things will stay calm between us...

Well, thats it for now. I will return with details about the new job and such...

Justin, out for now

I just dont get it...

How R can possibly tell me he loves me so much but can turn it off so quickly. I have never felt so unloved in all my life as I have since I have been with R...I have kept these feelings to myself bcs I am ashamed. I find it quite humiliating that I am in love with someone who can not return the favor. Someone who has thrown himself at me to win me over but when push comes to shove he turns his back on me every time. I can not believe I have been so foolish...I should have known better all along...since he cheated on me and lied about it to my face. I think he has cheated again recently too. If he didnt it is just because it didnt work out...not for lack of trying.

Let me start from the beginning. I ended up going on vacation with R and L. I should have known better but I wanted to go so bad I could not stop myself. Everything went great...we had such a good time...so much fun. I am positive we all had a very good time. Until the way home. I was riding in the back seat and got car sick. I had just eaten a huge greasy breakfast from Denny's. I should have known better as I had already told Luke he could ride in the front seat. I tried to relax but felt so queasy. My stomach was cramping very hard and my head was pounding but I tried to keep it to myself hoping to would pass quickly. We stopped and R asked me in the mens room why I was being so grouchy. I told him I was not grouchy I was nauseous and car sick. He mumbled back that it is always something with me. That remark hurt my feelings very much...as he had been very sweet and extremely nice to me the night before. I really just wanted an encouraging word, a sweet remark...just a brief moment of his attention. I didnt get it so I was cranky the rest of the drive home. R was pissed by the time we got home...so pissed that he could not see past his anger for one second and completely froze me out. I tried several times to talk to him...it was really a big misunderstanding that got blown way out of proportion. I thought we could talk it out and it would be over with but instead he froze me out telling me that he had wasted the last year focusing on me and that his new focus is his ten year old son who is here every other weekend...that if he doesnt that he will lose him. This bafflled me as the son has always been his focus...I just wanted a couple minutes to talk. He gets so angry and it takes a minute to pass but this time his anger got the best of everything and he has kept it hot and on his mind for almost 36hrs now. He refused to talk to me...went out of his way to ignore me...what is so hard about giving two people your attention at the same time? I feel really confused right now and wonder why R could get so mad so quickly and stay that way for so long that he can expect me to believe he wants to be with me. He kept saying he would talk to me later and that he needed to focus on his son. That is a line bcs the son slept until 11am and we were both up by 8am. He told me that things are over for him. That I pushed him to far and so on...I heard that. I respect that...but surely if I can forgive all the things he has done then he can overlook a little crankiness in the car...I am so lost right now I cant even think straight.

I will be back soon with details...

I'm going...

Well, we have not left yet but I am going on vacation with R and L...the only thing that can stop me now is my back pain. It has not bothered me for about three weeks but in the last two days it has come back full force...and then some. It has been pretty bad today but I am going to get my pain pills from the pharmacy in a few hours.

I hope that a pill combo will work for me and allow me to have a good time with my new family. Between coffee, ultrim, loratab, and bayer back & body...I should be numb to almost everything.

I will be back next week with details and memories to share...

until then,
Justin, excited

Fuuny how quickly things can change...

As if the last week was not enough of a whirl wind...the last couple days sure have been.

When L got here on Friday he told me he did want me to go on vacation with them. I was hesitant but R talked me into going saying that it would seem rude and childish if I didnt go. I decided to concede this one since I really wanted to go. Keep in mind that the whole time R has been saying how much he really wants me to go but I could tell there was something on his mind.

This morning we woke up in a good mood. Everything seemed to be going well...like we were going to have a good day. Man, was I ever wrong. I noticed sometime mid-morning that R was acting strange. I tried to be sweet and ask him repeatedly what was wrong. He kept telling me nothing but was also avoiding me and would not make eye contact with me. I was pretty much told to leave him alone and he continued to be distant. I finally told him I would call my mom and have her take me to my nephews party bcs I didnt want R to go if he is going to be in such a shitty mood. Well, he finally broke down and told me that he does not think he can afford to take me on vacation with them. I felt like I had been punched in the throat...it hurt my feelings very badly. I hope that now he feels like shit too. How will it all turn out...? Will he make nice with me...or will this tension continue until they leave for vacation and I end up leaving R for good.

Justin, so hurt and confused I just cant even think straight...

Ready for a change

Things are weird for me right now. Not only do I not get to go on vacation with R and L and had R make me feel like shit about it when it was not my fault...we had it out big time for three days after I found out. There was more to it but I wont go into everything...

Where was I? Ok, not going on vacay...and my grandma is not coming to spend the night here either. I was crushed when I found out. I had such high hopes to spend some time with her. I really can not recall the last time we spent some quality time together, just the two of us. Anyway...she is not coming either so I tried to make arrangements for M to come spend a night. He told me that if I could come up with gas money to get back home that he could come. Now he is saying that he has to sell his lap top before he can come and that he will let me know later on if he is coming or not... I doubt he will. I feel like shit. Like no one wants to be around me and stuff...I know that sounds crazy but every way I turn there is someone turning me down and it hurts badly. I feel like the ugly, weird looking, overly feminate, orange haired little boy I used to be. I know that sounds crazy too but my child hood was too terrible for words. Feeling this way again as an adult is almost killing me. I thought I had put those feelings behind me and a different person now...it's weird how quickly it all came rushing back...

Things are especially strained between R and myself lately too. Since "making up" after our huge fight last weekend he has gone online looking at guys on manhunt and gay.com and lying to me about it. I even caught him sending someone a picture of himself. He totally denied it but I had the proof right in front of me...he didnt admit to it or express remorse or apologize until after he made me cry. He does that a lot....he does something stupid, I catch him, push him until he has to admit it and it pisses him off instead of him being sorry. If I were caught by my husband trying to cheat, my last defense would be anger and hostility. Anyway...after all that, he is now going back and forth between over the top, in my face, tongue down my thoat affection to rude remarks and criticism then to sad and depressed acting. I just cant figure him out...

Ok, so...where will things go from here? I can only hope for the best. After everything I have been thru in the last week I am more determined than ever to change things around for myself.

Justin, all-of-a sudden optimistic.

The End is near

Well, as I already knew...L does not want me to go on vacation with him and R. I pretty much knew it already but it still hurts no less. The best part is that R has turned it all around and trying to make me the bad guy. He tells me I am selfish and that me being upset and causing turmoil that I have ruined the trip. I ruined the trip I was told I could not go on...hmm, is it me or is this fucked up? We fought about this last night and I have basically came to the conclusion ( from R's comments ) that he just does not care about me at all. I am always going to be third best or lower for him...and I just cant make myself believe that its ok anymore. We have been unhappy and fighting for a long time now...or the whole time we have been together...but lately it has started to get worse. I am pretty much in shock that it is coming to this though...

I just dont think this is a positive environment for me anymore. I am actually starting to believe the things he is saying about me. He has said so many things I dont know where to start...and they are so hurtful that typing them out would be humiliating for me anyway...

I have absolultey no idea what I am going to do. Where I will go or what will become of me. How will my life change and can I handle all this again...? I guess I will hope for the best and just see how it all turns out... The only thing I do know is that I will be leaving R, I will be moving someplace else...but those are the only definites. Everything else, all other details are up in the air and will just have to be figured out as I go...

much luv and sorry about the rant again...
Justin, changing

Hmm

R told me last weekend that he is taking his ten year old on a vacation. He followed this up with the fact that they would like me to go but he needs me to pay for my own tickets...to Worlds of Fun and Oceans of Fun. I would only have a couple weeks and one payday before time to leave. I told him I would most likely not be able to save enough money before then so I would not be going. Well, now he wants me to go and says he can pay for my tickets...I wonder what will really happen. Will I go? Will I stay home? Hmm...

Things are going pretty good lately. R is definitely keeping something from me...I can feel it. I dont think he is doing anything wrong or anything like that...but there is something. He has hinted several times that his ex-wife and oldest son are driving him crazy lately...I think they want money or something from him and he is stressed trying to figure out how to appease everyone at the same time...but that is just a theory. I hope he can work things out soon so they dont negatively effect our relationship. We still bicker and stuff ( like everyone else ) but for the most part things have been alright lately... he says things that hurt my feelings almost daily...but I am overly sensitive too...and I am sure I do the same thing to him without intending to...

I am still watching my sisters kids. Most of the time I just have K, who is my five year old niece. She is pretty easy for the most part but can get annoying if not entertained. I make sure we go for a bike ride everyday and make something like jello or muffins or something too...and we sit and color together for a couple hours every afternoon so she is usually satifisied with that. D, who is my ten year old nephew spends most of the summer at my dad's so I only have him every couple weeks or so. When he is here it is a completely different ballgame. It is constant activity and noise when they are both here...but not more than any other kids would make. They mind me most of the time ( when I get really stern ) so I dont usually have too many problems. The worst part is that when D is here, K usually ends up gettting hurt in one of their little scuffles...or she ends up crashing on the bike or something...it is not uncommon for their to be some crying and slight bleeding on a daily basis with her as she is fearless...especially when trying to keep up with her big brother. I have enjoyed having them here and getting to spend so much time with them this summer... pretty much the best summer job ever.

Thats pretty much it, folks. Not much more news and definitely not any excitement. Not that I want any either...
Will I go on vacay with R and L? I guess we will have to wait and see...

Justin, enjoying summer while it's here

Catching up

Things have been ok lately. R and I are getting along but not for very long...we fight every couple days or so every week. Nothing major ( yet ) but still enough to cause friction around here.

I am still unsure how to make things any better...unless I just give in every time...which is not going to happen. I can compromise but I am tired of having to coddle a 40 yr old...how can be very childish.

I am not unhappy but not exactly happy either. I guess it varies from day to day depending on what is happening around here. L being here is definitely becoming a challenge. I enjoy his visits here but it is getting harder to stand him when he starts acting obnoxious...which is a lot. R ignores it until it gets completely out of hand and by then there is no calming L down...and they usually end up getting into it but R always backs down in the end... I just wish L would realize how much his dad does for him and be a little nicer when he is here with us. I also wish he would realize how much his dad spends trying to make him happy and ensure he has a good time here.
Like I said...it can be very challenging. I will leave it at that...

I did buy me a new phone. With no help from anyone. I researched the model I wanted. Found the best deal locally and paid for it myself. I wish I would not have had to wait so long before getting it but I did the very best I could have under my current circumstances... Anyway, I got a new razor phone. It is the red one that I wanted too.

Lets all hope that things get better for me. I am talking about getting back on my feet for good. Finding a job that I can do and support myself with the money I make too. I need to get myself a car and get my act completely together. For good this time too...no more fucking around. I cant believe how much time I have wasted being satisfied letting R support me...it will change as soon as I can possibly make it happen. I still have my niece and nephew everyday...for four more weeks of summer and then I will be free to look for a job elsewhere...hope I can find one close to home so I dont have to rely on anyone to get back and forth to it...I dont want much, do I? Lol.


Well, I do feel better after typing out all my frustration...I suppose I should do it more often like I used to and maybe I would not be so bitchy all the time....

Justin, out