A Lazy Sunday

Today is Sunday and even though we got up early, we are having a pretty lazy day :)

R got up this am and did some projects around the house ( finished putting away Christmas decs and ect...) and I vacuumed and unloaded the dishwasher. We both showered but also both put on pajamas afterwards. I just love lazy sit-around days like this. Sundays were made for just this...a day of rest. Like I said earlier, we did what absolutely needed to be done and are now hanging out and watching tv.

If you couldnt already tell...things are good between R and myself. I am sure there have been moments were each of us got on the others nerves a bit, but overall we are good together.

Not much else is new. I did go buy some new clothes with gift cards I received as Christmas gifts. I got a couple sweaters and a couple pairs of jeans too. I also still have about $25 left too.

Our dogs have continued to adjust nicely. I think they love it here. They should, they have it made. We take very good care of them and make sure they get plenty of attention.


All done for now,
Justin

It's been a while

Things are going pretty good for me right now.

Christmas was great. Spent the day with my family and watched the kids open all their presents.

Life with R is going pretty good right now. The Holidays were kinda rocky between us...but I wont go into it. Just know that everything is ok and we are still together. I do love him and hope that one day he will realize it without having to constantly ask me if I do. I am also hoping that we will settle into an honest, trusting, meaningful, and fun relationship. I firmly believe it will...

The dogs have adjusted nicely. I enjoy them most of the time. They are both a little needy and desperate for attention so I try to make sure to give them plenty. I do think they think they are my dogs. I spend the most time with them and are for the most part their care-taker. I think getting them was a good idea.

Other than that, not much else to report. My life is pretty much the same from day to day...and I am glad it is. I need a routine, even if it is housework and being a mother to two dogs. I always did want to be a housewife and mother and now I am...thanks to Rodney. I do love him and enjoy our life together, even if he is a horn dog! I suppose it's flattering that he is constantly pressuring me for sex. Seriously, it's everyday and sometimes more than once per day. I am trying to be more sexual and not just at night too. It's difficult bcs I am tired of always being a sex object for someone...even though R loves me, it's still the same thing.

Gotta go for now.

Much Luv,
Justin, feeling content

Things are back to normal...

Things have really changed with R and me in the last week.

We talked everything thru and are back on track now. We are settling back into a routine and hopefully we can be happy now.

I have not really posted much in the last week bcs I really wanted to think things thru before putting it all out there again. I have bitched and moaned so much about R on this blog and decided not to post again until things were better for me.

So many things have happened since my last post.

L ( my stepson ) was here for three days instead of the usual two. He and I spent the day together last Friday while R was at work. It went pretty good...not much to complain about. It's just kind-of weird for me bcs the kid is only nine but thinks/acts like he is much older. I dont want to encourage that behavior so it can be a bit awkward at times.

We also got two dogs. They are both males, brothers in fact, and are a year old. They are daucsands and are both cute and pretty well behaved.

I gotta go for now...hopefully this was the first of many good spirited posts.

Much luv
Justin

Why does everything have to be so hard???

I am hating life right now.

Things are not good between R and myself...big shock, right?

He is up to something and it's eating away at me bcs I dont know what it is. It's either drugs or he is cheating again. Or both. If he is doing drugs behind my back, then he is definitely cheating too.
I just wish he would come out and tell me what the hell is going on.

How does he possibly expect me to pick up the pieces and move on when there are more red flags and warning signs everyday?

He is either late coming home ( and doesnt call me but sends me text messages making me wonder where he is/why he couldnt call me ) or is up at very early or all night long too.

Like yesterday: when he came home from work he was very hyper, couldnt concentrate enough to form a sentence, was clenching his jaw, didnt eat dinner, and then was up most of the night too. Bottom line? He was high. Or at least it sure the hell seemed like it. If he is doing drugs, then he is def cheating while he is in town during the day. I think he got off work earlier than he said yesterday and was out getting high and then getting fucked by some stranger (again.)

Then today, he called and said he was on his way home and would be here in about 20 mins. Well, two hours later he sends a text saying he had to go back to work. Why would he wait so long to tell me? Why would he not call? Where the hell was he and what was he doing? It doesnt make sense...he is hiding something. I would over look most of these things but the being awake all night and saying all these weird things to me...almost the exact same things that he said after he cheated.

I hate that I am in this position, that I feel like I have to constantly be watching him. I wouldnt if he didnt give me a reason to...everyday.

Those two instances are only two of the many that have happened lately.

Maybe I am being too suspicious. Maybe things are exactly as he says they are. Or, maybe my gut feeling is right and he is making a fool out of me again.

Justin, single again.

Another day

It's Friday, which means I will be home alone all day, evening, and most of the night. R usually goes to his parents' house to pick up L on most Fridays. This one is his company Christmas party. I am not going, so I get to stay home alone. I didnt want to go and dont expect R to not go.
But still...I just hate it that I have to sit here alone on another Friday, the whole Friday. R says he wont be late, but the last party he went to he said he would be leaving by 7pm and it was more like 10pm, so I wont necessarily be waiting up.

Other than that, things are going alright between us. I keep dwelling on things he has said and done lately but am refusing to let them get to me. I know he is under a lot of stress and stuff at work so I am not trying to add to that. It would just be nice if I could get some attention from him besides him bitching about work, bitching about money, or crude sexual comments. I told him so over the phone today. I would like some "normal" conversation. I hated to bring it up, but enough is enough. I spend all day long alone so I need some human contact at night, that isnt all sexual.

Back to the money thing. It is a big issue between us. It's not an issue that is out loud though. He is always complaining about how broke he is but then always seems to have money anyway. I hate to think that him bitching about money is just so I wont ask him for any or anything. And I really think that is what the deal is...He thinks that by him saying he doesnt have any, then I wont ask for any/anything. The weird part is that I dont ask for him anything. In the three months we have been together he has bought me maybe three packs of cigarettes and just a few other little things...nothing major. Most everything I tell him is basic house stuff we would both use. Besides that, almost every time I do ask him for anything, he forgets. Which is really insulting. Five days ago, I asked him to bring home some Advil. I have a bad back ( for those who have been reading, you know it's really bad ) and was out of anything to take for it. So I asked R to bring something home. He didnt and I didnt bring it up bcs I was embarrassed for even asking, I definitely wasnt going to ask twice. So I called my Mom and asked her to get me some. So basically I have been suffering this week bcs my husband, who know I have a bad back forgot about me/didnt think about me one more time. I am telling you, everything else is a priority and I am just supposed to make due with what is left. I dont make an issue out of it though, bcs that's what a good "wife" does. I just hope things get better for us again soon.

In other news...my Mom is coming to visit tomorrow. She is bringing over the things I asked her to buy for me. You know, thing I would not ask R for...and some that I did and that wasnt important enough for him to remember. Anyway, this will be the first time they have seen each other since I told Mom that R cheated on me. It should be interesting. I dont really think she will bring it up or say anything to me, but R will be so uncomfortable wondering about it that it should be fun for me to watch. I know it's wrong of me to want to watch him squirm but he has put me thru yet another trying week...

Justin out

Lately...

Things have been ok between R and myself. Not great, not really even good, just ok. I am not saying things are bad, bcs they are not.

The last couple nights after dinner R has kind-of ignored me. Like last night, he was all into his new blackberry and tonight he's kinda in a bad mood.

It's become that he basically has nothing left for me after he gets home from work. He does make all kinds of sexual comments to me...bcs he is expecting sex later. We dont really spend quality time together so thankfully we are still having sex. It's like that's the only time we are really close or something...

His job has become more demanding lately. So he's either tired or in a bad mood when he gets home. I would think the half hour drive would give him plenty of time to think so he could be decent to be around once he's home. I feel like maybe I am being a little hard on him but I am a little pissed. He says over the phone when we talk during the day how much he misses me or wishes he could be here with me...but when he is here, he hardly acknowledges I am in the room. So, it's kind of hard for me to believe it when he says it...which makes me doubt other things he says.

Which brings me to the new blackberry. I have made up my mind that I am not going to be suspicious of it. He could very easily use it to arrange a hook-up but I must believe that he wont. I dont really think he would but really, you just never know.

I am sorry I have rambled on about my relationship with on another post. It's just that this is basically my only outlet to get it all out. I just hope things will work out for us. It seems that he can barely stand to be around me lately, except for sex anyway. Whenever I try to talk to him, he doesnt pay attention or changes the subject. He doesnt talk to me, except to bitch about work or complain about his life. Hopefully a time is coming when we will settle into a nice comfortable life together...without all this weirdness and distance between us.

Maybe I am just being to sensitive about everything...I just dont want to settle for a half-assed marriage when I know it can be great. I just dont know how to make it happen.

Justin done

Eh...

I am just kind-of here today. Not in a bad mood, not in a good mood...just here.

Last night went pretty good with R. We had dinner and then just hung out and watched some tv.
He was an hour late coming home but I wasnt really suspicious about it. It would really be helpful if he would call me ( instead of text me ) that he is going to be late. When I talk to him, I feel much better but when he texts me it makes me wonder where he is/what he is doing that he cant call me. I know that sounds silly but you never know. Then today he texts me that he is going to lunch with his boss...another example of "should have called instead of text." Some thing, I cant help but wonder why he couldnt call me.

I am doing much better these days with the suspicions and doubts. But it's pretty hard to do. It seems like each time I decide it's time, something happens that makes me change my mind. It's like everyday there's something that seems like a red flag. Like this morning, R wakes me up at like 6:30am. He has already showered, gotten himself ready, ironed his clothes...and was in the bathroom with the door shut on the computer. I tell you, it's extremely unsettling to wake up and find your unfaithful husband up and ready an hour early and in another room online. It's like he could be up trying to set up a "before work hook-up." R has told me that he has done that before...before we were together. Maybe if I didnt know all of his former bad habits, I wouldnt be so suspicious. I dont know, the whole situation this morning was weird for me. We argued a little bit and then made up before he left for work. Maybe sometimes, the situation is exactly as it seems, and there's nothing going on. I just help shake the feeling that there's something I am missing or something I dont know...I will just have to try to get over it.

I am hoping that R and I will settle back into some kind of routine. Like we had before I went to jail and he went to San Fran and cheated on me. We have been off balance ever since.

I have also got to get a job. I hate not working. I hate not making money to support myself. I have so many obstacles in my way before I can even look for a job. Pray for me everyone, I can use all the support I can get right now.

Until next time,
Justin...on the mend

What the hell is going on?

Yesterday I spent the entire day cleaning R's house. I did everything he asked me to do.
I cleaned the kitchen, including mopping the floors. I cleaned the bathroom. I did laundry then unloaded and reloaded the dishwasher. I vacuumed the entire 2200 sq ft. Then I made dinner.

I was in such a good mood when he got home. I figured he would notice all the cleaning, we would have a great dinner, then watch tv and have sex before we went to sleep.

None of that happened. When he got home he was in such a weird and distant mood. He smelled different ( he said he used someones hand lotion ) and didnt really talk to me all night long. He basically came home, ate, read the paper, then went right to sleep. It was so weird. When I asked him what was wrong, he said he had a rough day. Maybe he did, but he said "it's not what you think." Then later said "I will never cheat on you again." That was weird too. I wasnt really even thinking that...ok, I was a little. I was being rational though, how could he have cheated if he was at work having such a bad day? It was a red flag that he brought it up, twice.

I want to trust him and give him the benefit out the doubt but it's very hard for me. When he comes home acting strange, smelling different, and then making those comments...what am I supposed to think? All I know is, he better not be cheating again or else...

Then this am he wakes up early again. Just like yesterday. Why is he getting up so early? What the hell is he getting up to do? Something I wont see? Something he shouldnt be doing? All these red flags and warning signs are starting to add up...

Anyway, he wakes up at like 4:30am ( I was awake bcs I had just peed and couldnt stop thinking about this shit ) and he says a bunch of nice things to me. Like, he is sorry for his mood, sorry for the way he acted towards me, sorry for not noticing how clean the house is, sorry for falling asleep so early, sorry for a whole lot of shit. Which was nice, it did make things easier for me.
Except for he keeps making comments about me not working...even to the point of making jokes about pimping me out. I am definitely getting tired of his comments...but I can handle them.

I dont really think he is out cheating...I am a little bit suspicious but that's it.
I just hope he is telling the truth about everything. I am starting to suspect that he is doing drugs though. Maybe that's why he is getting up so early. I have suspected a couple of times now that he is on something but I cant tell for sure. I hope he is not...but I could handle drugs much better/easier than more cheating.

I am going to do more house cleaning today and then try to be in a good mood when he comes home. I just hope he is in a better mood than last night. If not, we will be in for another uncomfortable evening.

Wish me luck,
Justin

Finally...

things are looking up.


After an exhausting week fighting with R and battling a cold, I am feeling better.

I have decided to let my anger and distrust go. I simply can not continue on the way I have the last week or so. I must learn to trust R again, if I want to be happy.

Since a small part of me will always wonder about R cheating again, I will always keep one eye and one ear open...but will stop trying to constantly catch up. I will stop going thru his phone ( kinda have to bcs he's getting a new blackberry ) stop checking his emails ( sent & received ) and will also stop being constantly suspicious. I will just have to trust him at his word until he gives me another reason not to. I am not proud of my snooping but really felt it was necessary at the time. I felt so shitty about him cheating and had convinced myself that he would do it again, or that he was already ( and had been the whole time ) doing it. I got a little crazy but really couldnt help it. I was just so blindsided but it all...

I feel confident in my choice too. I really think I can have a great relationship with R, and a happy one too. He really is a stand-up guy. I enjoy spending time with him, we have fun together, and the sex is great too. He is kind and treats me very good. He can be a little spacey and inconsiderate sometimes, but I guess I have pretty high expectations too. Bottom line, I love him. Love has not come around much for me in my life so I intend to make the most of it this time, which I hope is the last time. Isnt that weird? That I want to spend the rest of my life with someone? Someone I am already with...I cant believe I finally found him. Now I just have to make sure neither one of us fucks it up again. :)


Justin, getting happy

Feeling better

Sorry for the crazy ass posts earlier.

I was out of my head. I am back now. I am pretty much back to normal.

I am not sure exactly what my problem was...except R was being a jerk to me. Or, at least I thought he was. We were both frustrated and prolly shouldn't even back spoken to each other until we had cooled off some. The whole situation could have been avoided, if we had been smarter about it. I was so hurt and feeling very fragile and needing some love. Unfortunately, I didnt get it. I got the opposite of that...as R was pissed and didnt really understand why I was upset. I couldnt find the right words to tell him what was wrong. Basically we were both at fault. Me for not being more open with him. R for being hateful, and down right mean.

I do love him though. He said to me a few minutes ago " we are so good together if you will let me love you. It was really sweet but at the same time it kinda bothered me. What doesnt bother me these days? Not too much...


I think we will make it thru this if I can let him in. And, if he can find it in himself to convince me that he really wants me with him.

Thank God this roller coaster ride doesnt require tickets :)

Justin

What now?

I have cried all day today.

I am so alone and lost. No one is there for me when I need them. I have nowhere to turn.

I have packed my things and am all ready to move out of R's house. I have agreed to wait until his son goes home but really dont even want to go. I just feel like I should. Like, he doesnt even want me here anymore. He says he doesnt want me to go but his actions are so much different from his words. Why is he putting me thru so much turmoil? Why cant he be nice to me...I just want him to hug me and make everything ok. I want him to make me feel loved? Why cant he do that for me...for us? What did I do to deserve this?

Why cant anyone ever be there for me?
Why cant anyone ever be supportive when I need it?
Why do I continually get kicked when I am already down?
Why is it so hard for anyone to love me?
Am I that hard to love?
What is so bad about me?

Justin lost

Why cant anyone love me?

I mean really love me. Without having to hurt me so much.

R and I are in big trouble. I dont think things are going to work out between us. And it's killing me.

He brought L home with him last night. Then I got kicked out of what was supposed to be my bedroom. I was of course upset and R just treated me like shit. Then expected sex, which I gave him bcs I feel like I have to. If not, he will go elsewhere again. So, I got put in the guest room, and then was used and discarded like some piece of trash.

This morning, R didnt even wake me for breakfast. He could only wake me to come in and make me feel badly. Why am I the one who gets cheated on and then the one expected to let it go and make everything all better? R is acting like I have done something wrong. Why cant he see how much everything hurts me? His words and his actions do not match up. I wish he would just have to guts to tell me he wants me to leave, and then let me leave peacefully.

I guess I should just realize my place. It's equal parts maid, cook, and sex object. I guess I should also realize those are the only things I am good for. You would think I would have caught on by now, as it's been happening my whole life. I just hoped it would be different with R. I really thought he loved me...but once again I was made the fool. I have never been hurt so bad as I have been lately by R. He has completely ruined me and now I just want to die.

Why doesnt he love me? What did I do to make him stop? Why cant I ever be enough to make someone happy and satisfied with just me. That' all I have ever wanted.
Now I sit here typing and crying wondering what will become of me...

I have no one to turn to. No one left who cares about me. I am hurting so bad and am all alone.
My life is such a disaster...and you would think I would used to it by now. Will I ever learn?

How did things get like this? How could I have allowed myself to get in this situation?

Alright y'all. Once again I am sorry for such a dreary post. There prolly wont be anymore posts anytime soon, where I am going there are no computers.

Justin out

Just chilling out at home

R is gone to pick up his son ( L ) at his parents' house tonight. Which leaves me with more time at home by myself. I am just sitting here...wondering about a few things.

Like, what the future holds for R and me. Will we get past all of our recent issues? Will we be able to move on and really be happy together? Will we stay together but not really be happy at all?
I just cant help but wonder...


I spoke on the phone with R for about an hour this evening. It's really amazing how he just allows himself to say anything he wants to me. I know it's meant with good intentions but sometimes he really pisses me off and/or hurts my feelings. I am not sure if I am being overly sensitive bcs of what he has done...or if he is just too brutally honest. Maybe it's a little of both.

I am at peace right now bcs I know where he is and exactly what he is doing. But I have to accept this will not always be the case. I am going to really have to work on trusting him again.
It will be difficult with him having a blackberry and working extra hours...giving him both the time and the ability to cheat again. You know, like saying he was working late and then using the blackberry to go online and arrange something. Do I really believe he would do that? At this point I just really dont know what I should think...
Like I said before I am just going to have to trust him.

Another thing going thru my head is my job situation. I really need to get back to work very soon. Like I feel like I should already be working. I need to be making some money, so I will have some money if R should do something stupid again. That way I will be prepared if I need to suddenly leave him...which is a huge fear for me. I just hate that he cheated on me and I was kind-of trapped here, so I had no choice but to forgive and move on. I dont want to find myself in that situation again. If it should happen again, I want to have money set back...just in case.
If it happens again, I will definitely leave him. With or without having money set back...having money would just make things smoother. Anyway, I dont really think it will happen again.

I am still fighting with M too. I have not talked to him since early this afternoon. He is angry but for no reason. He suddenly changed our plans and expects me to just drop everything. I think he is being unreasonable. I mean, really, he decides ( without asking me ) to change our plans by a day. A day earlier at that. I have told him all week long that we could do something this weekend but I could not leave until Sat afternoon at the earliest. So, when we talked today ( Friday ) and he tells me we are going today...well, let's just say it didnt go well. I told him I was not going and then he got pissed. Then he text messaged me bitching that he could not believe I was not going with him. Like I said, I could not go until the next day. I had already told R that I was not leaving until Sat. With things the way they are with R, I didnt feel like I could just leave. Not without seeing him or knowing that things would be ok between us. Doesnt M realize how delicate the situation is? My relationship with R is not in a very good place right now. Definitely not in a good enough place where I can just up and leave in a minutes notice.

Anyway, sorry I have bitched my way thru another post. I promise there will be some more lighthearted posts coming soon. Perhaps I will find a job that will provide some funny material for posts. Let's hope so, and hope it happens soon too.

Much luv to everyone still reading my train-wreck of a blog.
Justin...almost back to normal "real" Justin again :)

Does everyone have to fuck with me?

It seems like every where I turn someone is messing with me or wanting to fight with me.
And I have had it...

M and I have been making loose plans to go out of town for the weekend. When I talked to him yesterday he said he didnt even know if we could go or not. I told him I could go on Sat but not Friday. Now, that's Friday he wants to go today. Says he is going alone now and cant believe I am not going with him. Does he not realize how delicate my situation with R is right now? It's just not the best day for me to be leaving...not with things the way they are right now.

I talked to R during his lunch. He is worried that I might have someone else on the side. Can you believe that shit? He thinks I have someone else! He is depressed bcs things are different between us...it has been a rough and very different week for us. I cant help it. He cheated and now I am suspicious that he will cheat again, of course things are different. Now he thinks I am cheating? That just makes me even more suspicious...

M is texting me complaining that I am not going with him. If he was dependable or stable I might have been able to make some final plans, not just "what if" or maybe.

I gotta go, I am sick of complaining about my shitty life.
Justin, sick and tired

Today's Post

Things are going ok for me today.

Last night's dinner with R went ok. There was nothing major he needed talk about. He simply wanted to go out and eat. It was pretty nice, we went to an Italian restaurant where we both had pasta and wine.
Then after dinner we came home and R was trying to be all sexual. I wasnt feeling it at all and removed his hand from my body. That didnt go over well at all...We both ended up going to sleep. He was upset this am bcs we didnt have sex last night. He was in a bad mood and didnt want to go to work either.
Then he tells me on the phone that he thinks something is up with me. "It's been five days!" he said. I reminded him I have had a cold all week, that nothing is up. But still, the nerve of him to be suspicious of me. Like I am the unfaithful one. Bitch, please. I mean really, he's the one that cheated and the one that is still acting all weird. Like, he's guilty or something.

R tells me he is getting a blackberry. Which is great, right? It's the ultimate tool for the cheating husband. Now he can use it to get online and arrange hook-ups any time day or night. I wonder if thats his intention. Maybe he is getting so I wont be able to go thru his phone anymore. At any rate, I am not excited about him getting a blackberry. Not at all.

We just talked on the phone and he is all depressed sounding. He is upset bcs he thinks there is something going on. There is, dumbass, you cheated and now I am pissed the fuck off!!!!
I guess he assumed I would get over it quickly? Who knows...?
He is still upset bcs we didnt do it last night. My back was hurting and I was so full, I didnt feel sexy at all. And there was really nothing he could have done to have gotten me turned on either. He says he misses me. But, he's only worked like three extra hours this week. I told him so and he said he feels like he hasnt seen me lately...more weirdness.

I really think he is up to something. I am not sure what, but it's something I intend to find out.
He is acting all weird, being gone more than usual, all of a sudden getting a blackberry, and projecting guilt on me...so much weirdness.

gotta go,
Justin

This is not good

R texted me and said "we should go out to dinner tonight and talk."

Weird, right?

Usually the only reason someone wants to take you out to "talk" is when they want to dump you. Or have some really bad news. It's like you cant make a scene or overreact when in public.

The whole thing just feels weird.
What is he up to?

I am really starting to think he is up to something. There have been too many red flags and so much weirdness and weird behavior for me to think otherwise.

What the hell am I going to do if he is still cheating
If he is...
Even if he is not cheating but up to something else, I will leave him. Immediately.
I am thinking about doing that anyway...

Why cant things just get back to normal?
Or at least calm down some?

gotta go...R's laundry needs to go into the dryer.
You think he's got something going on the side and just keeping me around to keep his house clean and his laundry done? Oh, I also cook for him too...

Justin out

What the hell...

is R up to?

I have not heard from him in like 3hrs. I know he's at work ( or should be ) but he texted me earlier and hasnt responded back. The weird part is that the last hour was his lunch hour.

I sent him a text asking him if he was going to call me during his lunch and he never responded. Which is weird. He always calls me during lunch. Sometimes two or three times.

Who the hell is he with that he wont call me? What the hell is he doing that he cant call me?
Even if he had a "working" lunch, he would have texted me.

Does he really think I am so fucking stupid that I wouldnt catch on?
Does he really think I will stick around if he continues cheating?

He just texted me about a new hot construction guy. Fuck him. He is so stupid. It's like he just has to keep pushing my buttons and pissing me off. Why cant he be the good boyfriend he thinks he is?

He better get right and get real.
Or he is going to end up alone.

Justin the husband hater

I am worried

There is something up with R...

He was over two hours late coming home last night. I wonder if he really was working though.
When he got home he was so freaking hyper. Which is unlike him especially if he had such a long day. He was acting all weird too. I cant help but wonder if he was on speed. And if he was, then he was definitely out fooling around.

He also kept getting text messages last night. He only responded to one but then this morning he had already deleted everything from his phone. I know, I shouldnt still look in his phone but I cant help it. It is weird that he deleted all his sent and receive texts and also deleted all his received calls. Weird...

Then this morning he had to be at work at 7am. I want to believe thats true. I dont really think he would get up that early just go have an affair. But he was so weird this morning. He was all cheerful and just ready to go, which is unlike him too. It was like he was ready to go bcs he had something to look forward to. I wonder if he is doing drugs during the day.

And he also didnt call me this am. He calls me every day while he is driving into work. Today was the first time he has not called. More weirdness...it just keeps getting better and better.

So, between him being late last night. Being in a really weird and hyper mood. Erasing everything from his phone. Getting up and being so cheerful and weird again this morning and him not calling...I am feeling really suspicious and skeptical.

Part of me thinks he has been cheating the whole time. Part of me really thinks he has someone on the side still. Maybe not someone regular but maybe has regular affairs with different guys. I just really hate to think that he would do something like that but I just cant ignore my gut feeling on this. It's just all so weird.
Maybe he really did have to work late last night. Maybe he wasnt on drugs. I really do believe him that he had to work this morning though.

When will I stop being so suspicious?
When will I feel like I can believe what he says and trust him again?
I dont know...I just cant shake the feeling that he is still fucking around on me.
Like he has been and just didnt think he would ever get caught. I hate feeling this way too.

I gotta go...more housework to get done.
Maybe I should also get a boyfriend on the side. I know it wouldnt be hard for me to find one. Not hard at all... :)


Justin out

so confused

I talked with R last night and then again this am about how I am feeling.

Which is not good. I cant help but dwell on things. I dont want to but I cant get the thoughts out of my head. I just cant seem to shake the feeling that he is still hiding something. And that he planned the whole thing. I just cant seem to let things go. And I really need to if we are going to stand a chance. I just dont know...

I really hate things the way they are. How can we get back to being happy? I think we can, if I can set aside my anger and resentment. Part of me is mad that while I was locked up suffering and alone, he was out doing drugs and hooking up with other dudes. It really pisses me off when I think of it like that. How dare he be so quick to give himself to someone else while supposedly missing me and wishing we were together? I just dont buy it.

I am also having issues with the way he is dealing with it. He is acting like I should just get over it. That he has enough stress in his life and doesnt need me adding to it. He basically told me to get over it and move on or I could just leave. Nice, right? My cheating husband is so thoughtful, isnt he?

Another part of me wants to cheat on him now. Just so he will know how it feels. Maybe then he will understand why I am so upset about it. Maybe. I just hate to stoop to that level just to teach him a lesson. It would also crush him...which I would hate to do.

I know my posts are starting to get redundant but I cant help it right now. My thoughts are mostly occupied with thoughts of R and his cheating. You know this is my diary, so I have to post what is on my mind.

Hopefully I can stop thinking these thoughts and move on soon. Wish me luck...

Justin

I still hate him

I just cant help it.

I have forgiven him but still can not forget it. I keep having these horrible thoughts about him and other men...bcs I know it was more than one.

Maybe it's not justs that he cheated. Maybe its not that he repeatedly lied about it right to my face. Maybe it's not that he planned to do it, which I really think he did. It's really that he went so far with it. He didnt just fool around with someone, he went all the way. Really, he let some other man do the most intimate thing possible. He wanted some other man to...and it is killing me.

I could never allow someone else to do anything sexual to me when I am with someone I love. Much less, plan to, and then go out and do it. I really think he planned to fool around while he was gone and didnt think I would suspect anything, much less find out about it. I think that's worst part about it for him, that he got caught. How could he possibly think so little of me to do something like that. How can I possibly forget about it and move on?

Now I am faced with doubts that it will happen again. Remember not too long ago I thought he was cheating? I am now wondering if I wasnt right about that too? Just bcs he denied it doesnt mean it didnt happen. I just couldnt find any proof that time.

I just cant get past the fact that he could have sex with me and then less than 24hrs later be having sex with some random stranger who lives across the country and that he will never see again. How could he risk our relationship for something that was so "meaningless?"
And the fact that he continued having sex with / or trying to have sex with other men right until the moment I got out? That one is hard to take too. He was out doing drugs and doing who knows what with who knows who. Yep, he was online looking for dick the very same day I was getting out...who knows, he was prolly looking for dick when I called him to come get me. Or, he could have even been on his way to fuck someone for all I know. I wonder if he was already with someone or arranging something for later if I didnt get out. I am sure he was...

How am I going to get past all this? I really thought I was doing a good job with it and then yesterday I started having all these thoughts and doubts all over again. It sucks. I hope I can get past all this soon bcs it's tearing me up. It's making me want to leave R for good. I cant stay with him if I cant get over all this. It's causing me to resent him...which is not good.


Still confused. Still scared and worried. Still trying to be hopefull but it's getting hard...
Justin