R is gone to pick up his son ( L ) at his parents' house tonight. Which leaves me with more time at home by myself. I am just sitting here...wondering about a few things.
Like, what the future holds for R and me. Will we get past all of our recent issues? Will we be able to move on and really be happy together? Will we stay together but not really be happy at all?
I just cant help but wonder...
I spoke on the phone with R for about an hour this evening. It's really amazing how he just allows himself to say anything he wants to me. I know it's meant with good intentions but sometimes he really pisses me off and/or hurts my feelings. I am not sure if I am being overly sensitive bcs of what he has done...or if he is just too brutally honest. Maybe it's a little of both.
I am at peace right now bcs I know where he is and exactly what he is doing. But I have to accept this will not always be the case. I am going to really have to work on trusting him again.
It will be difficult with him having a blackberry and working extra hours...giving him both the time and the ability to cheat again. You know, like saying he was working late and then using the blackberry to go online and arrange something. Do I really believe he would do that? At this point I just really dont know what I should think...
Like I said before I am just going to have to trust him.
Another thing going thru my head is my job situation. I really need to get back to work very soon. Like I feel like I should already be working. I need to be making some money, so I will have some money if R should do something stupid again. That way I will be prepared if I need to suddenly leave him...which is a huge fear for me. I just hate that he cheated on me and I was kind-of trapped here, so I had no choice but to forgive and move on. I dont want to find myself in that situation again. If it should happen again, I want to have money set back...just in case.
If it happens again, I will definitely leave him. With or without having money set back...having money would just make things smoother. Anyway, I dont really think it will happen again.
I am still fighting with M too. I have not talked to him since early this afternoon. He is angry but for no reason. He suddenly changed our plans and expects me to just drop everything. I think he is being unreasonable. I mean, really, he decides ( without asking me ) to change our plans by a day. A day earlier at that. I have told him all week long that we could do something this weekend but I could not leave until Sat afternoon at the earliest. So, when we talked today ( Friday ) and he tells me we are going today...well, let's just say it didnt go well. I told him I was not going and then he got pissed. Then he text messaged me bitching that he could not believe I was not going with him. Like I said, I could not go until the next day. I had already told R that I was not leaving until Sat. With things the way they are with R, I didnt feel like I could just leave. Not without seeing him or knowing that things would be ok between us. Doesnt M realize how delicate the situation is? My relationship with R is not in a very good place right now. Definitely not in a good enough place where I can just up and leave in a minutes notice.
Anyway, sorry I have bitched my way thru another post. I promise there will be some more lighthearted posts coming soon. Perhaps I will find a job that will provide some funny material for posts. Let's hope so, and hope it happens soon too.
Much luv to everyone still reading my train-wreck of a blog.
Justin...almost back to normal "real" Justin again :)
Friday, November 30, 2007
Does everyone have to fuck with me?
It seems like every where I turn someone is messing with me or wanting to fight with me.
And I have had it...
M and I have been making loose plans to go out of town for the weekend. When I talked to him yesterday he said he didnt even know if we could go or not. I told him I could go on Sat but not Friday. Now, that's Friday he wants to go today. Says he is going alone now and cant believe I am not going with him. Does he not realize how delicate my situation with R is right now? It's just not the best day for me to be leaving...not with things the way they are right now.
I talked to R during his lunch. He is worried that I might have someone else on the side. Can you believe that shit? He thinks I have someone else! He is depressed bcs things are different between us...it has been a rough and very different week for us. I cant help it. He cheated and now I am suspicious that he will cheat again, of course things are different. Now he thinks I am cheating? That just makes me even more suspicious...
M is texting me complaining that I am not going with him. If he was dependable or stable I might have been able to make some final plans, not just "what if" or maybe.
I gotta go, I am sick of complaining about my shitty life.
Justin, sick and tired
And I have had it...
M and I have been making loose plans to go out of town for the weekend. When I talked to him yesterday he said he didnt even know if we could go or not. I told him I could go on Sat but not Friday. Now, that's Friday he wants to go today. Says he is going alone now and cant believe I am not going with him. Does he not realize how delicate my situation with R is right now? It's just not the best day for me to be leaving...not with things the way they are right now.
I talked to R during his lunch. He is worried that I might have someone else on the side. Can you believe that shit? He thinks I have someone else! He is depressed bcs things are different between us...it has been a rough and very different week for us. I cant help it. He cheated and now I am suspicious that he will cheat again, of course things are different. Now he thinks I am cheating? That just makes me even more suspicious...
M is texting me complaining that I am not going with him. If he was dependable or stable I might have been able to make some final plans, not just "what if" or maybe.
I gotta go, I am sick of complaining about my shitty life.
Justin, sick and tired
Today's Post
Things are going ok for me today.
Last night's dinner with R went ok. There was nothing major he needed talk about. He simply wanted to go out and eat. It was pretty nice, we went to an Italian restaurant where we both had pasta and wine.
Then after dinner we came home and R was trying to be all sexual. I wasnt feeling it at all and removed his hand from my body. That didnt go over well at all...We both ended up going to sleep. He was upset this am bcs we didnt have sex last night. He was in a bad mood and didnt want to go to work either.
Then he tells me on the phone that he thinks something is up with me. "It's been five days!" he said. I reminded him I have had a cold all week, that nothing is up. But still, the nerve of him to be suspicious of me. Like I am the unfaithful one. Bitch, please. I mean really, he's the one that cheated and the one that is still acting all weird. Like, he's guilty or something.
R tells me he is getting a blackberry. Which is great, right? It's the ultimate tool for the cheating husband. Now he can use it to get online and arrange hook-ups any time day or night. I wonder if thats his intention. Maybe he is getting so I wont be able to go thru his phone anymore. At any rate, I am not excited about him getting a blackberry. Not at all.
We just talked on the phone and he is all depressed sounding. He is upset bcs he thinks there is something going on. There is, dumbass, you cheated and now I am pissed the fuck off!!!!
I guess he assumed I would get over it quickly? Who knows...?
He is still upset bcs we didnt do it last night. My back was hurting and I was so full, I didnt feel sexy at all. And there was really nothing he could have done to have gotten me turned on either. He says he misses me. But, he's only worked like three extra hours this week. I told him so and he said he feels like he hasnt seen me lately...more weirdness.
I really think he is up to something. I am not sure what, but it's something I intend to find out.
He is acting all weird, being gone more than usual, all of a sudden getting a blackberry, and projecting guilt on me...so much weirdness.
gotta go,
Justin
Last night's dinner with R went ok. There was nothing major he needed talk about. He simply wanted to go out and eat. It was pretty nice, we went to an Italian restaurant where we both had pasta and wine.
Then after dinner we came home and R was trying to be all sexual. I wasnt feeling it at all and removed his hand from my body. That didnt go over well at all...We both ended up going to sleep. He was upset this am bcs we didnt have sex last night. He was in a bad mood and didnt want to go to work either.
Then he tells me on the phone that he thinks something is up with me. "It's been five days!" he said. I reminded him I have had a cold all week, that nothing is up. But still, the nerve of him to be suspicious of me. Like I am the unfaithful one. Bitch, please. I mean really, he's the one that cheated and the one that is still acting all weird. Like, he's guilty or something.
R tells me he is getting a blackberry. Which is great, right? It's the ultimate tool for the cheating husband. Now he can use it to get online and arrange hook-ups any time day or night. I wonder if thats his intention. Maybe he is getting so I wont be able to go thru his phone anymore. At any rate, I am not excited about him getting a blackberry. Not at all.
We just talked on the phone and he is all depressed sounding. He is upset bcs he thinks there is something going on. There is, dumbass, you cheated and now I am pissed the fuck off!!!!
I guess he assumed I would get over it quickly? Who knows...?
He is still upset bcs we didnt do it last night. My back was hurting and I was so full, I didnt feel sexy at all. And there was really nothing he could have done to have gotten me turned on either. He says he misses me. But, he's only worked like three extra hours this week. I told him so and he said he feels like he hasnt seen me lately...more weirdness.
I really think he is up to something. I am not sure what, but it's something I intend to find out.
He is acting all weird, being gone more than usual, all of a sudden getting a blackberry, and projecting guilt on me...so much weirdness.
gotta go,
Justin
Thursday, November 29, 2007
This is not good
R texted me and said "we should go out to dinner tonight and talk."
Weird, right?
Usually the only reason someone wants to take you out to "talk" is when they want to dump you. Or have some really bad news. It's like you cant make a scene or overreact when in public.
The whole thing just feels weird.
What is he up to?
I am really starting to think he is up to something. There have been too many red flags and so much weirdness and weird behavior for me to think otherwise.
What the hell am I going to do if he is still cheating
If he is...
Even if he is not cheating but up to something else, I will leave him. Immediately.
I am thinking about doing that anyway...
Why cant things just get back to normal?
Or at least calm down some?
gotta go...R's laundry needs to go into the dryer.
You think he's got something going on the side and just keeping me around to keep his house clean and his laundry done? Oh, I also cook for him too...
Justin out
Weird, right?
Usually the only reason someone wants to take you out to "talk" is when they want to dump you. Or have some really bad news. It's like you cant make a scene or overreact when in public.
The whole thing just feels weird.
What is he up to?
I am really starting to think he is up to something. There have been too many red flags and so much weirdness and weird behavior for me to think otherwise.
What the hell am I going to do if he is still cheating
If he is...
Even if he is not cheating but up to something else, I will leave him. Immediately.
I am thinking about doing that anyway...
Why cant things just get back to normal?
Or at least calm down some?
gotta go...R's laundry needs to go into the dryer.
You think he's got something going on the side and just keeping me around to keep his house clean and his laundry done? Oh, I also cook for him too...
Justin out
What the hell...
is R up to?
I have not heard from him in like 3hrs. I know he's at work ( or should be ) but he texted me earlier and hasnt responded back. The weird part is that the last hour was his lunch hour.
I sent him a text asking him if he was going to call me during his lunch and he never responded. Which is weird. He always calls me during lunch. Sometimes two or three times.
Who the hell is he with that he wont call me? What the hell is he doing that he cant call me?
Even if he had a "working" lunch, he would have texted me.
Does he really think I am so fucking stupid that I wouldnt catch on?
Does he really think I will stick around if he continues cheating?
He just texted me about a new hot construction guy. Fuck him. He is so stupid. It's like he just has to keep pushing my buttons and pissing me off. Why cant he be the good boyfriend he thinks he is?
He better get right and get real.
Or he is going to end up alone.
Justin the husband hater
I have not heard from him in like 3hrs. I know he's at work ( or should be ) but he texted me earlier and hasnt responded back. The weird part is that the last hour was his lunch hour.
I sent him a text asking him if he was going to call me during his lunch and he never responded. Which is weird. He always calls me during lunch. Sometimes two or three times.
Who the hell is he with that he wont call me? What the hell is he doing that he cant call me?
Even if he had a "working" lunch, he would have texted me.
Does he really think I am so fucking stupid that I wouldnt catch on?
Does he really think I will stick around if he continues cheating?
He just texted me about a new hot construction guy. Fuck him. He is so stupid. It's like he just has to keep pushing my buttons and pissing me off. Why cant he be the good boyfriend he thinks he is?
He better get right and get real.
Or he is going to end up alone.
Justin the husband hater
I am worried
There is something up with R...
He was over two hours late coming home last night. I wonder if he really was working though.
When he got home he was so freaking hyper. Which is unlike him especially if he had such a long day. He was acting all weird too. I cant help but wonder if he was on speed. And if he was, then he was definitely out fooling around.
He also kept getting text messages last night. He only responded to one but then this morning he had already deleted everything from his phone. I know, I shouldnt still look in his phone but I cant help it. It is weird that he deleted all his sent and receive texts and also deleted all his received calls. Weird...
Then this morning he had to be at work at 7am. I want to believe thats true. I dont really think he would get up that early just go have an affair. But he was so weird this morning. He was all cheerful and just ready to go, which is unlike him too. It was like he was ready to go bcs he had something to look forward to. I wonder if he is doing drugs during the day.
And he also didnt call me this am. He calls me every day while he is driving into work. Today was the first time he has not called. More weirdness...it just keeps getting better and better.
So, between him being late last night. Being in a really weird and hyper mood. Erasing everything from his phone. Getting up and being so cheerful and weird again this morning and him not calling...I am feeling really suspicious and skeptical.
Part of me thinks he has been cheating the whole time. Part of me really thinks he has someone on the side still. Maybe not someone regular but maybe has regular affairs with different guys. I just really hate to think that he would do something like that but I just cant ignore my gut feeling on this. It's just all so weird.
Maybe he really did have to work late last night. Maybe he wasnt on drugs. I really do believe him that he had to work this morning though.
When will I stop being so suspicious?
When will I feel like I can believe what he says and trust him again?
I dont know...I just cant shake the feeling that he is still fucking around on me.
Like he has been and just didnt think he would ever get caught. I hate feeling this way too.
I gotta go...more housework to get done.
Maybe I should also get a boyfriend on the side. I know it wouldnt be hard for me to find one. Not hard at all... :)
Justin out
He was over two hours late coming home last night. I wonder if he really was working though.
When he got home he was so freaking hyper. Which is unlike him especially if he had such a long day. He was acting all weird too. I cant help but wonder if he was on speed. And if he was, then he was definitely out fooling around.
He also kept getting text messages last night. He only responded to one but then this morning he had already deleted everything from his phone. I know, I shouldnt still look in his phone but I cant help it. It is weird that he deleted all his sent and receive texts and also deleted all his received calls. Weird...
Then this morning he had to be at work at 7am. I want to believe thats true. I dont really think he would get up that early just go have an affair. But he was so weird this morning. He was all cheerful and just ready to go, which is unlike him too. It was like he was ready to go bcs he had something to look forward to. I wonder if he is doing drugs during the day.
And he also didnt call me this am. He calls me every day while he is driving into work. Today was the first time he has not called. More weirdness...it just keeps getting better and better.
So, between him being late last night. Being in a really weird and hyper mood. Erasing everything from his phone. Getting up and being so cheerful and weird again this morning and him not calling...I am feeling really suspicious and skeptical.
Part of me thinks he has been cheating the whole time. Part of me really thinks he has someone on the side still. Maybe not someone regular but maybe has regular affairs with different guys. I just really hate to think that he would do something like that but I just cant ignore my gut feeling on this. It's just all so weird.
Maybe he really did have to work late last night. Maybe he wasnt on drugs. I really do believe him that he had to work this morning though.
When will I stop being so suspicious?
When will I feel like I can believe what he says and trust him again?
I dont know...I just cant shake the feeling that he is still fucking around on me.
Like he has been and just didnt think he would ever get caught. I hate feeling this way too.
I gotta go...more housework to get done.
Maybe I should also get a boyfriend on the side. I know it wouldnt be hard for me to find one. Not hard at all... :)
Justin out
Wednesday, November 28, 2007
so confused
I talked with R last night and then again this am about how I am feeling.
Which is not good. I cant help but dwell on things. I dont want to but I cant get the thoughts out of my head. I just cant seem to shake the feeling that he is still hiding something. And that he planned the whole thing. I just cant seem to let things go. And I really need to if we are going to stand a chance. I just dont know...
I really hate things the way they are. How can we get back to being happy? I think we can, if I can set aside my anger and resentment. Part of me is mad that while I was locked up suffering and alone, he was out doing drugs and hooking up with other dudes. It really pisses me off when I think of it like that. How dare he be so quick to give himself to someone else while supposedly missing me and wishing we were together? I just dont buy it.
I am also having issues with the way he is dealing with it. He is acting like I should just get over it. That he has enough stress in his life and doesnt need me adding to it. He basically told me to get over it and move on or I could just leave. Nice, right? My cheating husband is so thoughtful, isnt he?
Another part of me wants to cheat on him now. Just so he will know how it feels. Maybe then he will understand why I am so upset about it. Maybe. I just hate to stoop to that level just to teach him a lesson. It would also crush him...which I would hate to do.
I know my posts are starting to get redundant but I cant help it right now. My thoughts are mostly occupied with thoughts of R and his cheating. You know this is my diary, so I have to post what is on my mind.
Hopefully I can stop thinking these thoughts and move on soon. Wish me luck...
Justin
Which is not good. I cant help but dwell on things. I dont want to but I cant get the thoughts out of my head. I just cant seem to shake the feeling that he is still hiding something. And that he planned the whole thing. I just cant seem to let things go. And I really need to if we are going to stand a chance. I just dont know...
I really hate things the way they are. How can we get back to being happy? I think we can, if I can set aside my anger and resentment. Part of me is mad that while I was locked up suffering and alone, he was out doing drugs and hooking up with other dudes. It really pisses me off when I think of it like that. How dare he be so quick to give himself to someone else while supposedly missing me and wishing we were together? I just dont buy it.
I am also having issues with the way he is dealing with it. He is acting like I should just get over it. That he has enough stress in his life and doesnt need me adding to it. He basically told me to get over it and move on or I could just leave. Nice, right? My cheating husband is so thoughtful, isnt he?
Another part of me wants to cheat on him now. Just so he will know how it feels. Maybe then he will understand why I am so upset about it. Maybe. I just hate to stoop to that level just to teach him a lesson. It would also crush him...which I would hate to do.
I know my posts are starting to get redundant but I cant help it right now. My thoughts are mostly occupied with thoughts of R and his cheating. You know this is my diary, so I have to post what is on my mind.
Hopefully I can stop thinking these thoughts and move on soon. Wish me luck...
Justin
Tuesday, November 27, 2007
I still hate him
I just cant help it.
I have forgiven him but still can not forget it. I keep having these horrible thoughts about him and other men...bcs I know it was more than one.
Maybe it's not justs that he cheated. Maybe its not that he repeatedly lied about it right to my face. Maybe it's not that he planned to do it, which I really think he did. It's really that he went so far with it. He didnt just fool around with someone, he went all the way. Really, he let some other man do the most intimate thing possible. He wanted some other man to...and it is killing me.
I could never allow someone else to do anything sexual to me when I am with someone I love. Much less, plan to, and then go out and do it. I really think he planned to fool around while he was gone and didnt think I would suspect anything, much less find out about it. I think that's worst part about it for him, that he got caught. How could he possibly think so little of me to do something like that. How can I possibly forget about it and move on?
Now I am faced with doubts that it will happen again. Remember not too long ago I thought he was cheating? I am now wondering if I wasnt right about that too? Just bcs he denied it doesnt mean it didnt happen. I just couldnt find any proof that time.
I just cant get past the fact that he could have sex with me and then less than 24hrs later be having sex with some random stranger who lives across the country and that he will never see again. How could he risk our relationship for something that was so "meaningless?"
And the fact that he continued having sex with / or trying to have sex with other men right until the moment I got out? That one is hard to take too. He was out doing drugs and doing who knows what with who knows who. Yep, he was online looking for dick the very same day I was getting out...who knows, he was prolly looking for dick when I called him to come get me. Or, he could have even been on his way to fuck someone for all I know. I wonder if he was already with someone or arranging something for later if I didnt get out. I am sure he was...
How am I going to get past all this? I really thought I was doing a good job with it and then yesterday I started having all these thoughts and doubts all over again. It sucks. I hope I can get past all this soon bcs it's tearing me up. It's making me want to leave R for good. I cant stay with him if I cant get over all this. It's causing me to resent him...which is not good.
Still confused. Still scared and worried. Still trying to be hopefull but it's getting hard...
Justin
I have forgiven him but still can not forget it. I keep having these horrible thoughts about him and other men...bcs I know it was more than one.
Maybe it's not justs that he cheated. Maybe its not that he repeatedly lied about it right to my face. Maybe it's not that he planned to do it, which I really think he did. It's really that he went so far with it. He didnt just fool around with someone, he went all the way. Really, he let some other man do the most intimate thing possible. He wanted some other man to...and it is killing me.
I could never allow someone else to do anything sexual to me when I am with someone I love. Much less, plan to, and then go out and do it. I really think he planned to fool around while he was gone and didnt think I would suspect anything, much less find out about it. I think that's worst part about it for him, that he got caught. How could he possibly think so little of me to do something like that. How can I possibly forget about it and move on?
Now I am faced with doubts that it will happen again. Remember not too long ago I thought he was cheating? I am now wondering if I wasnt right about that too? Just bcs he denied it doesnt mean it didnt happen. I just couldnt find any proof that time.
I just cant get past the fact that he could have sex with me and then less than 24hrs later be having sex with some random stranger who lives across the country and that he will never see again. How could he risk our relationship for something that was so "meaningless?"
And the fact that he continued having sex with / or trying to have sex with other men right until the moment I got out? That one is hard to take too. He was out doing drugs and doing who knows what with who knows who. Yep, he was online looking for dick the very same day I was getting out...who knows, he was prolly looking for dick when I called him to come get me. Or, he could have even been on his way to fuck someone for all I know. I wonder if he was already with someone or arranging something for later if I didnt get out. I am sure he was...
How am I going to get past all this? I really thought I was doing a good job with it and then yesterday I started having all these thoughts and doubts all over again. It sucks. I hope I can get past all this soon bcs it's tearing me up. It's making me want to leave R for good. I cant stay with him if I cant get over all this. It's causing me to resent him...which is not good.
Still confused. Still scared and worried. Still trying to be hopefull but it's getting hard...
Justin
Monday, November 26, 2007
Getting back to normal ?
Things seem to be ok between R and I . We spent the entire weekend at home just us and did nothing but lay in bed and reconnect. It was pretty nice. I have pretty much forgiven him and now I only have a little part in the back of my mind that's still wondering...
I do love him and think being with him is my best chance to be happy. I just wish this whole ordeal had not happened. I am really deep down having a hard time accepting it. I have these thoughts of him with another man or see the words he typed out seeking sex from other men. I still dont believe that there was only one man over the entire ten days. I am thinking it was closer to 5 or so. That's about one per day while he was in San Fran...I just will never believe that with all the gay dudes there and as hard as he tried he was only able to make it happen just one time with one man. I will also never believe that he was unable to make something happen with someone after he came back home. I will always believe that he had someone over and had sex here, in what was supposedly our bedroom and our bed. There was too much evidence left for me to see. Which is another thing...it's like he wanted me to catch him. He told me a tiny bit to make me suspicious and didnt even bother to cover his tracks. He left all the emails on his comp., left all the calls and texts on his phone, left a receipt for the theater at the midtown bookstore, I mean really, if you are going to be scandalous you should be smart about it. And he wasnt.
I also hate the financial strain all this has caused. I think he spent a lot more on drugs than he is admitting too and now he is trying to recover. Maybe not though...again, I might never really know the truth. Which is hard for me to accept. I hate not knowing. I hate that he is willing to spend the rest of our lives together with secrets and lies hanging over us. I can deal with the cheating ( multiple times or not ) because I know about it. It's out in the open for us to deal with. It's all the things he is still lying about and keeping secret that is bugging me. How can he look me in the eye and respect our relationship while doing so? I know I couldnt do it. The guilt would weigh me down heavily. I would have to tell. Doesnt he know I dont care? Doesnt he realize I can forgive him anything now? Well, accept cheating again. I made it very clear that I will leave him if he does it again. After all we have dealt with recently, there is nothing he can TELL me that we can not work thru. It might not be pleasant but it would be better ( and healthier ) for our relationship if he would give me the truth, the whole truth, and the rest of his "story" so we can deal with it now and completely move on. Otherwise, it will always be there hanging over us and our happiness. I think we will be happy together but not completely. I dont think you can without honesty and trust. Right now, I dont think he has either...what is he hiding that could possibly be worse than what he's already done? He should have more faith in me...
gotta go, I am tired of "talking" about this shit
Justin the skeptical
I do love him and think being with him is my best chance to be happy. I just wish this whole ordeal had not happened. I am really deep down having a hard time accepting it. I have these thoughts of him with another man or see the words he typed out seeking sex from other men. I still dont believe that there was only one man over the entire ten days. I am thinking it was closer to 5 or so. That's about one per day while he was in San Fran...I just will never believe that with all the gay dudes there and as hard as he tried he was only able to make it happen just one time with one man. I will also never believe that he was unable to make something happen with someone after he came back home. I will always believe that he had someone over and had sex here, in what was supposedly our bedroom and our bed. There was too much evidence left for me to see. Which is another thing...it's like he wanted me to catch him. He told me a tiny bit to make me suspicious and didnt even bother to cover his tracks. He left all the emails on his comp., left all the calls and texts on his phone, left a receipt for the theater at the midtown bookstore, I mean really, if you are going to be scandalous you should be smart about it. And he wasnt.
I also hate the financial strain all this has caused. I think he spent a lot more on drugs than he is admitting too and now he is trying to recover. Maybe not though...again, I might never really know the truth. Which is hard for me to accept. I hate not knowing. I hate that he is willing to spend the rest of our lives together with secrets and lies hanging over us. I can deal with the cheating ( multiple times or not ) because I know about it. It's out in the open for us to deal with. It's all the things he is still lying about and keeping secret that is bugging me. How can he look me in the eye and respect our relationship while doing so? I know I couldnt do it. The guilt would weigh me down heavily. I would have to tell. Doesnt he know I dont care? Doesnt he realize I can forgive him anything now? Well, accept cheating again. I made it very clear that I will leave him if he does it again. After all we have dealt with recently, there is nothing he can TELL me that we can not work thru. It might not be pleasant but it would be better ( and healthier ) for our relationship if he would give me the truth, the whole truth, and the rest of his "story" so we can deal with it now and completely move on. Otherwise, it will always be there hanging over us and our happiness. I think we will be happy together but not completely. I dont think you can without honesty and trust. Right now, I dont think he has either...what is he hiding that could possibly be worse than what he's already done? He should have more faith in me...
gotta go, I am tired of "talking" about this shit
Justin the skeptical
Sunday, November 25, 2007
Why does everything have to be so hard???
I have forgiven R and we are moving on but I am having some issues and difficulties forgetting.
Maybe it's bcs he keeps bringing it up. Maybe it's bcs I dont think I can trust him. Maybe it's bcs I still cant get the thought of him with other dudes out of my head. Maybe it's bcs I still have hatred for him...I cant help it. Maybe it's bcs he annoys the shit out of me. I just dont know...
I am still having doubts as to his loyalty. I just cant help but wonder if he will do it again. Part of me wants to believe that he wont but the other part thinks he will. It's bcs he still wont be completely honest with me about everything...or at least I dont think he is. I guess I just have to accept the fact that I will prolly never know. Oh, yesterday I looked thru his phone again. I found where he sent a text message to someone saying " I cant bf home." I dont know what the text he received said but that was R's response. It's like he would have done whatever, but didnt just bcs I was home. Not bcs he didnt want to, or bcs he shouldn't but just bcs I was home. Hmm...that one has really gotten under my skin. What if I am not always around to prevent him from doing something stupid. Will he ever be able be stroing enough to say no without me being right in front of him? Will I ever be able to set aside my suspicions and move forward without feeling this way? Will my hatred ever fade away completely? How, oh how can I really allow myself to open up and have the kind of relationship I deserve? I think it might be too late. I guess only time will tell for sure.
I promise there will be some more lighthearted posts coming in the future. I promise. Even if I have to break it off with R and leave town...I will once again be happy and let it show here on my blog.
Much Luv,
Justin the husband hater
Maybe it's bcs he keeps bringing it up. Maybe it's bcs I dont think I can trust him. Maybe it's bcs I still cant get the thought of him with other dudes out of my head. Maybe it's bcs I still have hatred for him...I cant help it. Maybe it's bcs he annoys the shit out of me. I just dont know...
I am still having doubts as to his loyalty. I just cant help but wonder if he will do it again. Part of me wants to believe that he wont but the other part thinks he will. It's bcs he still wont be completely honest with me about everything...or at least I dont think he is. I guess I just have to accept the fact that I will prolly never know. Oh, yesterday I looked thru his phone again. I found where he sent a text message to someone saying " I cant bf home." I dont know what the text he received said but that was R's response. It's like he would have done whatever, but didnt just bcs I was home. Not bcs he didnt want to, or bcs he shouldn't but just bcs I was home. Hmm...that one has really gotten under my skin. What if I am not always around to prevent him from doing something stupid. Will he ever be able be stroing enough to say no without me being right in front of him? Will I ever be able to set aside my suspicions and move forward without feeling this way? Will my hatred ever fade away completely? How, oh how can I really allow myself to open up and have the kind of relationship I deserve? I think it might be too late. I guess only time will tell for sure.
I promise there will be some more lighthearted posts coming in the future. I promise. Even if I have to break it off with R and leave town...I will once again be happy and let it show here on my blog.
Much Luv,
Justin the husband hater
Saturday, November 24, 2007
I think I love my husband again
I know it sounds weird but I just cant help it.
Am I crazy? Should I have held out longer before letting things "be back to normal?" Hmm...
We had sex three times within 24hrs yesterday. It was the first time we had ever done anything like that. I am not sure why it happened...especially considering that I initiated it the last couple of times. Maybe I was trying to let him know how hot sexual I can be if needed. Perhaps so he wont go looking elsewhere for it again? I just dont know. And I am not trying to figure it all out right now. It's a little late for second guessing now...there's no turning back now.
Gotta jet for now. Thanks to all those still reading, I know things have been a lot different lately and hope future posts can be more lighthearted and fun. :)
Much Luv,
Justin
Am I crazy? Should I have held out longer before letting things "be back to normal?" Hmm...
We had sex three times within 24hrs yesterday. It was the first time we had ever done anything like that. I am not sure why it happened...especially considering that I initiated it the last couple of times. Maybe I was trying to let him know how hot sexual I can be if needed. Perhaps so he wont go looking elsewhere for it again? I just dont know. And I am not trying to figure it all out right now. It's a little late for second guessing now...there's no turning back now.
Gotta jet for now. Thanks to all those still reading, I know things have been a lot different lately and hope future posts can be more lighthearted and fun. :)
Much Luv,
Justin
Made it thru the rain
I have picked up the pieces and decided to stay with R. That's right, I am giving him another chance. I dont really want to go into it too much right now...he's right beside me but will give more deets as to why later.
Also, I have changed to the title of the page. Now it's kind of a pun. You know, because my name is Justin...
Gotta jet for now but will do a more detailed and thorough post later.
much luv,
Justin
Also, I have changed to the title of the page. Now it's kind of a pun. You know, because my name is Justin...
Gotta jet for now but will do a more detailed and thorough post later.
much luv,
Justin
Thursday, November 22, 2007
painful days
I am having even more difficulties.
I gave in tonight and had sex with R. I shouldnt have. Now I feel completely fucking gross. Dirty and gross. How could I have after everything? I dont know why I did it either. R was starting to kiss my back and stuff and I wanted to stop him but then I didnt. I hate myself for allowing myself to have sex with him. And so soon too. What the fuck was I thinking? Wow.
I was in such shock when I discovered all those emails asking dudes to come have sex with him in R's computer that I didnt really digest all of them right then. I was so shocked to actually find an email confirming my suspicions that I blocked all of the others out. There were several emails from dudes confirming that they were on their way or almost there but I didnt even bring those up. I wonder exactly how many guys he really did have sex with...I will prolly never really know the whole truth. I just wish he would completely come clean with me. It's not like anything more would make things worse. He will only admit to having sex with just the one guy bcs thats all the " proof " I showed him I found. That one was enough. The guy thanking R for the sex. Saying they should flip flop the next time. R responded " it's my turn to pound you next time.' That tells me that the guy had already "pounded" R. He even used that word tonight while we were doing it. So creepy...
Also, I cant stop thinking about an email that R sent someone after he was already back in Tulsa. It was a response to someone asking him what he was doing or wanted to do. The response? "sitting here wanting to be used." R was offering to let someone use him. He wanted someone to come over and use him. That fucking kills me that he wanted that. That we was trying very hard to make it happen. The best part? This was the night before he knew I was coming home. Oh, and the time with the guy from above, well it took place the day he left. He cheated on me as soon as he got there. We werent even apart for 24 hrs before he was getting fucked by some other man. And then were going to be back together in 24 hrs when he offered to let someone "use" him. That is so fucking gross I cant even stand it. It totally makes me sick to my stomach. Oh, and I havent eaten hardly anything in three days too. I am so jacked up that I cant eat or sleep. I hate him so much for making me feel this way. I just can not seem to understand how he could do it. At least not if he loves me. And definitely not if he really loves me the way he says he does. I just cant hardly believe this has happened.
And now, after going thru all this in the last couple days but not really been around each other that much we get to spend the next three days together bcs tomorrow is the day after Thanksgiving. All of a sudden I cant stand the thought of even being in the same room with him. It is so painful for me. How am I ever going to get past it? No, seriously, tell me how bcs I have no clue. I hope I didnt give R false hope by doing it. Even after he ripped my heart out thru my throat, I dont want to see him get hurt. I would never want to hurt him...he is so fragile. Why the hell do I even care? Why do I still love him? Especially when I know I shouldnt. I know it. I am being so stupid for thinking anything will change. Maybe it will, for a while but I feel it in my heart that eventually he will do it again. You know, once a cheater always a cheater. Also, I did some research online about cheaters. R displays an alarmingly high chance of cheating again. He classified as a "multiple cheater." He has all the characteristics. Like, he wouldnt admit what he did. To me or himself...which in his mind becomes that it didnt happen. Also, he didnt come to me to talk about it or try to work it out. I had to force him to talk to me. He gets mysterious phone calls a lot that he doesnt answer. There were more too but I cant remember bcs it's two am and I have been up for nearly a day without sleeping much. Again.
Something else has occurred to me. The day before he left, he had to make a sudden and suspicious early morning trip out to his parents' house. He got up all early and went out there. And didnt try to get me to go with him. I thought maybe he was borrowing money and was embarrassed or something. When I really think about it, I think he went into Tulsa to buy drugs to take on his trip. It makes sense because all evening Sat he talked non stop about drugs. Then he told me during out argument that he had bought drugs to take with him. Then said he didnt, that by saying that he purposely bought drugs to take makes him seem like he was planning to have a bunch of random sexual encounters. Which I think he did. I really think he planned to do everything he did. Another reason? In one of his emails to someone while he was in San Fran mentioned he was fucked up and wanting to get fucked. The only time R likes that is when he's on meth. And, if he really wasnt on it, and get fucked while sober, that is messed up too. He really did a number on me, didnt he? I cant believe he schemed so hard to deceive me. He got carried away and got to complicated, so there's no way he could have kept it a secret. And if he would have? Well, it's nice to think that I could have gone thru the rest of my life with someone he was being a deceptive lying cheater. Because that's exactly what he is.
I hate him so much right now.
Justin...pretty much single again.
I gave in tonight and had sex with R. I shouldnt have. Now I feel completely fucking gross. Dirty and gross. How could I have after everything? I dont know why I did it either. R was starting to kiss my back and stuff and I wanted to stop him but then I didnt. I hate myself for allowing myself to have sex with him. And so soon too. What the fuck was I thinking? Wow.
I was in such shock when I discovered all those emails asking dudes to come have sex with him in R's computer that I didnt really digest all of them right then. I was so shocked to actually find an email confirming my suspicions that I blocked all of the others out. There were several emails from dudes confirming that they were on their way or almost there but I didnt even bring those up. I wonder exactly how many guys he really did have sex with...I will prolly never really know the whole truth. I just wish he would completely come clean with me. It's not like anything more would make things worse. He will only admit to having sex with just the one guy bcs thats all the " proof " I showed him I found. That one was enough. The guy thanking R for the sex. Saying they should flip flop the next time. R responded " it's my turn to pound you next time.' That tells me that the guy had already "pounded" R. He even used that word tonight while we were doing it. So creepy...
Also, I cant stop thinking about an email that R sent someone after he was already back in Tulsa. It was a response to someone asking him what he was doing or wanted to do. The response? "sitting here wanting to be used." R was offering to let someone use him. He wanted someone to come over and use him. That fucking kills me that he wanted that. That we was trying very hard to make it happen. The best part? This was the night before he knew I was coming home. Oh, and the time with the guy from above, well it took place the day he left. He cheated on me as soon as he got there. We werent even apart for 24 hrs before he was getting fucked by some other man. And then were going to be back together in 24 hrs when he offered to let someone "use" him. That is so fucking gross I cant even stand it. It totally makes me sick to my stomach. Oh, and I havent eaten hardly anything in three days too. I am so jacked up that I cant eat or sleep. I hate him so much for making me feel this way. I just can not seem to understand how he could do it. At least not if he loves me. And definitely not if he really loves me the way he says he does. I just cant hardly believe this has happened.
And now, after going thru all this in the last couple days but not really been around each other that much we get to spend the next three days together bcs tomorrow is the day after Thanksgiving. All of a sudden I cant stand the thought of even being in the same room with him. It is so painful for me. How am I ever going to get past it? No, seriously, tell me how bcs I have no clue. I hope I didnt give R false hope by doing it. Even after he ripped my heart out thru my throat, I dont want to see him get hurt. I would never want to hurt him...he is so fragile. Why the hell do I even care? Why do I still love him? Especially when I know I shouldnt. I know it. I am being so stupid for thinking anything will change. Maybe it will, for a while but I feel it in my heart that eventually he will do it again. You know, once a cheater always a cheater. Also, I did some research online about cheaters. R displays an alarmingly high chance of cheating again. He classified as a "multiple cheater." He has all the characteristics. Like, he wouldnt admit what he did. To me or himself...which in his mind becomes that it didnt happen. Also, he didnt come to me to talk about it or try to work it out. I had to force him to talk to me. He gets mysterious phone calls a lot that he doesnt answer. There were more too but I cant remember bcs it's two am and I have been up for nearly a day without sleeping much. Again.
Something else has occurred to me. The day before he left, he had to make a sudden and suspicious early morning trip out to his parents' house. He got up all early and went out there. And didnt try to get me to go with him. I thought maybe he was borrowing money and was embarrassed or something. When I really think about it, I think he went into Tulsa to buy drugs to take on his trip. It makes sense because all evening Sat he talked non stop about drugs. Then he told me during out argument that he had bought drugs to take with him. Then said he didnt, that by saying that he purposely bought drugs to take makes him seem like he was planning to have a bunch of random sexual encounters. Which I think he did. I really think he planned to do everything he did. Another reason? In one of his emails to someone while he was in San Fran mentioned he was fucked up and wanting to get fucked. The only time R likes that is when he's on meth. And, if he really wasnt on it, and get fucked while sober, that is messed up too. He really did a number on me, didnt he? I cant believe he schemed so hard to deceive me. He got carried away and got to complicated, so there's no way he could have kept it a secret. And if he would have? Well, it's nice to think that I could have gone thru the rest of my life with someone he was being a deceptive lying cheater. Because that's exactly what he is.
I hate him so much right now.
Justin...pretty much single again.
It's Thanksgiving...
and I am miserable. I spent the day with my family but didnt really enjoy myself bcs of all that's going on. I cried all day long. It kinda freaked my family out but I simply couldnt help it.
I now officially know that R did cheat on me. I snooped thru his computer and found all the emails he exchanged with dudes trying to hook up with them. Nice, right? He was not even concerned enough to try to cover his tracks. It's like he wanted me to find out. He has completely ruined our entire relationship. I cant possible imagine how it will ever recover.
It's not enough that he cheated ( in the worst and most intimate, personal way...he got fucked by a complete stranger ) but then lied to my face for two days about it. I had the computer up and read the email to him before he would admit it.
How can I get past all the hatred I have for him now? How can I put all this behind me and move on without seeming like a pushover? I feel like if I stay with him and move on it will make me out to be a door mat. And practically give him license to do it again. And I truly believe if he has an opportunity, he will cheat again. How can I ever learn to trust him again?
What is it about me that makes this keep happening to me? Ever person I have ever loved or given my heart to has done this. It's a vicious and rough cycle that I feel I should break now. If I do leave him, I will be single for the rest of my life. After this, I will never be able to love again. I will never be able to open up and give my heart to someone ever again.
What should I do? How can I carry on?
Lost, alone, struggling, and heart broken
Justin
I now officially know that R did cheat on me. I snooped thru his computer and found all the emails he exchanged with dudes trying to hook up with them. Nice, right? He was not even concerned enough to try to cover his tracks. It's like he wanted me to find out. He has completely ruined our entire relationship. I cant possible imagine how it will ever recover.
It's not enough that he cheated ( in the worst and most intimate, personal way...he got fucked by a complete stranger ) but then lied to my face for two days about it. I had the computer up and read the email to him before he would admit it.
How can I get past all the hatred I have for him now? How can I put all this behind me and move on without seeming like a pushover? I feel like if I stay with him and move on it will make me out to be a door mat. And practically give him license to do it again. And I truly believe if he has an opportunity, he will cheat again. How can I ever learn to trust him again?
What is it about me that makes this keep happening to me? Ever person I have ever loved or given my heart to has done this. It's a vicious and rough cycle that I feel I should break now. If I do leave him, I will be single for the rest of my life. After this, I will never be able to love again. I will never be able to open up and give my heart to someone ever again.
What should I do? How can I carry on?
Lost, alone, struggling, and heart broken
Justin
Wednesday, November 21, 2007
Really struggling
I am having such a hard time dealing with my hurt feelings toward R. I am so hurt and was blindsided so hard by his cheating that I just dont feel the same love towards him anymore.
I am really struggling with it. I do love him but dont think I will ever be able to trust him again.
I am still in shock over all of it. I just cant believe he did it. I have never been so heartbroken in my life. I am at such a low right now. I truly feel like my spirit has been broken.
R is not doing so well with it either. He just wants things to be like they used to. I am trying to get him to understand that it will take time. I just cant immediately go back into the "all happy and lovey dovey" that we were before this happened.
He is still denying it too. He said " I cant believe I almost lost the best thing that ever happened to me, over something that didnt even happen...or happen the way you think it did. " I was like excuse me? The evidence is too damning not to be accurate. Like I said before: I will never be convinced that he didnt cheat. So, now it is official: every single boyfriend I have ever had has cheated on me.
Life is great, isnt it?
Justin out...
I am really struggling with it. I do love him but dont think I will ever be able to trust him again.
I am still in shock over all of it. I just cant believe he did it. I have never been so heartbroken in my life. I am at such a low right now. I truly feel like my spirit has been broken.
R is not doing so well with it either. He just wants things to be like they used to. I am trying to get him to understand that it will take time. I just cant immediately go back into the "all happy and lovey dovey" that we were before this happened.
He is still denying it too. He said " I cant believe I almost lost the best thing that ever happened to me, over something that didnt even happen...or happen the way you think it did. " I was like excuse me? The evidence is too damning not to be accurate. Like I said before: I will never be convinced that he didnt cheat. So, now it is official: every single boyfriend I have ever had has cheated on me.
Life is great, isnt it?
Justin out...
Let's catch up
Get ready for a shocker.
I spent the last ten days in jail. I got stopped taking R to the airport early Sun morning Nov 11th. I had a warrant for an old ticket I never paid. Was taken to jail bcs my license was expired. Who knew?
Anyways, ten long very rough days in jail. The county jail. It wasnt completely bad as it could have been much, much worse.
The best part? When I get out I find out R has spent the last two days doing drugs and hooking up with other guys. He denies it but there is too much proof for me to believe him.
On the way home he tells me he has done drugs and has been online chatting with people but never did anything with anyone. Well after we get home he gets into the shower so I go thru his phone. I discover he has called several old tricks and has exchanged text messages with tricks too. Texts confirming he was going to hook up with people. One of the texts from a guy asked if they could hook up and fuck. R's answer was "you got it." He also went out to the bar one night too. I think he brought someone home with him or had someone come over. The comforter was pulled off the bed and there was lube out on the bed. The comforter has not been pulled off the bed since the first weekend I met him when we were doing drugs together and he had been having dudes over...dont want to ruin the comforter now. Also when sorting out the laundry I found a receipt for him going to the bookstore and going into the theater. There's only one reason guys go into that theater. It's dark and there's a huge screen playing porn. R says no one was there and that he didnt do anything. If he didnt do anything it's only bcs there really wasnt anyone there. But even if he didnt, he still tried really hard to do something and that is just as bad as actually doing something.
So, between talking and texting on the phone, the internet, the bar, and the theater in the book store he really expects me to believe he didnt do anything with anybody. While he was on meth. Yeah, right. I am not stupid. He says he tried all those things but never did find anybody to do anything with. But he sure tried real hard too. I will never believe that he didnt have sex with anyone else. Just the fact that he tried so hard hurts me just as much as if he would have followed thru...which I firmly believe he did.
So, here I am pretty much forced to stay with a lying drug addicted cheater. If I had anyplace to go, I would leave him immediately. But, I have no choice but to stay.
So, how bout that? Jail time, unfaithful husband...what a great time in my life this is.
Justin out
I spent the last ten days in jail. I got stopped taking R to the airport early Sun morning Nov 11th. I had a warrant for an old ticket I never paid. Was taken to jail bcs my license was expired. Who knew?
Anyways, ten long very rough days in jail. The county jail. It wasnt completely bad as it could have been much, much worse.
The best part? When I get out I find out R has spent the last two days doing drugs and hooking up with other guys. He denies it but there is too much proof for me to believe him.
On the way home he tells me he has done drugs and has been online chatting with people but never did anything with anyone. Well after we get home he gets into the shower so I go thru his phone. I discover he has called several old tricks and has exchanged text messages with tricks too. Texts confirming he was going to hook up with people. One of the texts from a guy asked if they could hook up and fuck. R's answer was "you got it." He also went out to the bar one night too. I think he brought someone home with him or had someone come over. The comforter was pulled off the bed and there was lube out on the bed. The comforter has not been pulled off the bed since the first weekend I met him when we were doing drugs together and he had been having dudes over...dont want to ruin the comforter now. Also when sorting out the laundry I found a receipt for him going to the bookstore and going into the theater. There's only one reason guys go into that theater. It's dark and there's a huge screen playing porn. R says no one was there and that he didnt do anything. If he didnt do anything it's only bcs there really wasnt anyone there. But even if he didnt, he still tried really hard to do something and that is just as bad as actually doing something.
So, between talking and texting on the phone, the internet, the bar, and the theater in the book store he really expects me to believe he didnt do anything with anybody. While he was on meth. Yeah, right. I am not stupid. He says he tried all those things but never did find anybody to do anything with. But he sure tried real hard too. I will never believe that he didnt have sex with anyone else. Just the fact that he tried so hard hurts me just as much as if he would have followed thru...which I firmly believe he did.
So, here I am pretty much forced to stay with a lying drug addicted cheater. If I had anyplace to go, I would leave him immediately. But, I have no choice but to stay.
So, how bout that? Jail time, unfaithful husband...what a great time in my life this is.
Justin out
Tuesday, November 06, 2007
Date night
Last night R and I went to a TU basketball game. Then out to dinner. The whole evening was very nice.
The company he works for gets season tickets for Tulsa University basketball games so we decided to go last night. We sat next to some people he works with and they were very nice. We had dinner at Tally's, which is R's favorite restaurant. It's pretty good considering it's like a greasy spoon diner type place.
R and I are getting along great. He has loosened up some and is not so intense all the time now. He is no longer telling me he loves me every two seconds too. I really think we could settle into a great and long lasting relationship. I am just hoping to find a job soon that is not standing in our way.
Well, I wouldnt say standing in our way but it is starting to become an issue. I guess eight weeks is a long time without a job.
Anyway, gotta run for now.
Muc Luv,
Justin
The company he works for gets season tickets for Tulsa University basketball games so we decided to go last night. We sat next to some people he works with and they were very nice. We had dinner at Tally's, which is R's favorite restaurant. It's pretty good considering it's like a greasy spoon diner type place.
R and I are getting along great. He has loosened up some and is not so intense all the time now. He is no longer telling me he loves me every two seconds too. I really think we could settle into a great and long lasting relationship. I am just hoping to find a job soon that is not standing in our way.
Well, I wouldnt say standing in our way but it is starting to become an issue. I guess eight weeks is a long time without a job.
Anyway, gotta run for now.
Muc Luv,
Justin
Sunday, November 04, 2007
Another Sunday morning family breakfast
I just finished up making and then eating breakfast with R and L. We had three berry pancakes.
Ok, I need to admit something. I am really starting to like my new step son L. He is witty, smart, and cute as a button. I could really get attached to him. R keeps telling me not to let him bond with me if I dont intend to stick around...how rude is that shit? He says I can hurt him but not his son.
I have no intention of hurting either one. I love R and I am beginning to love L too. I normally am not into kids that are not in my family but it's different with L, as he's my husband's son...which kinda makes him mine too. I am even starting to look forward to his visits here with us. Another admission...I have had fantasies about how our lives would be if L came to live with us. I really think I would love it if he did but doubt it will ever happen. It would be so nice though...we would be such a happy family as I would see to it that.
In other news...well, there is no other news right now.
Much Luv,
Justin the wonderful & fantastic step mom
Ok, I need to admit something. I am really starting to like my new step son L. He is witty, smart, and cute as a button. I could really get attached to him. R keeps telling me not to let him bond with me if I dont intend to stick around...how rude is that shit? He says I can hurt him but not his son.
I have no intention of hurting either one. I love R and I am beginning to love L too. I normally am not into kids that are not in my family but it's different with L, as he's my husband's son...which kinda makes him mine too. I am even starting to look forward to his visits here with us. Another admission...I have had fantasies about how our lives would be if L came to live with us. I really think I would love it if he did but doubt it will ever happen. It would be so nice though...we would be such a happy family as I would see to it that.
In other news...well, there is no other news right now.
Much Luv,
Justin the wonderful & fantastic step mom
Saturday, November 03, 2007
Afternoon ramblings
I am hanging out here at home today. R went back into Okc with L for a football game. Kinda crazy if you ask me...to drive 2hrs there and 2hrs back for a game that only lasts one hr. I would do it for my son if needed so I dont even give it a second thought that R did it. I would think badly of him if he didnt.
Anyway... I have decided not be so hard on R. I have expected a lot from him lately. Damn near perfection. It's hard to achieve for anyone. He is scatter-brained and sometimes inconsiderate but I dont exactly communicate well either. I should be more forthcoming with what I am thinking or needing and not expecting him to guess at it. And then punish him severely if he gets it wrong...or just doesnt get it at all.
Relationships are so fucking hard. I have not had a really serious one in so long that I had forgotten. I suppose it's worth it if the one you are with is actually The One. But, how do you know for sure if they are? No, really I need to know. I feel like I am at the part of my relationship with R that it's too late to turn back. But, I still have doubts. I simply cant help it. I do love him but we have had so many issues lately that it's starting to seem more trouble than it's worth. Wait, that was unfair. I wouldnt want R to feel that way, so it's really unfair of me to think it and very unfair of me to publish it too. He doesnt read this anymore, as it's my diary and all. What's the point of having a "spill your heart out kind-of blog" if you are just going to let your husband read it?
Ok, I feel like I have rambled on enough for now. I just cant help it. This blog, for me, is like my outlet. I type whats happening in my life, my feelings, and secrets so: when I sit down to type I start thinking about what all has happened since my last post and that's what you get. Sometimes, it's all about R, sometimes it's good news, and sometimes it's just a bitching rant. :)
MUCH LUV
Justin
Anyway... I have decided not be so hard on R. I have expected a lot from him lately. Damn near perfection. It's hard to achieve for anyone. He is scatter-brained and sometimes inconsiderate but I dont exactly communicate well either. I should be more forthcoming with what I am thinking or needing and not expecting him to guess at it. And then punish him severely if he gets it wrong...or just doesnt get it at all.
Relationships are so fucking hard. I have not had a really serious one in so long that I had forgotten. I suppose it's worth it if the one you are with is actually The One. But, how do you know for sure if they are? No, really I need to know. I feel like I am at the part of my relationship with R that it's too late to turn back. But, I still have doubts. I simply cant help it. I do love him but we have had so many issues lately that it's starting to seem more trouble than it's worth. Wait, that was unfair. I wouldnt want R to feel that way, so it's really unfair of me to think it and very unfair of me to publish it too. He doesnt read this anymore, as it's my diary and all. What's the point of having a "spill your heart out kind-of blog" if you are just going to let your husband read it?
Ok, I feel like I have rambled on enough for now. I just cant help it. This blog, for me, is like my outlet. I type whats happening in my life, my feelings, and secrets so: when I sit down to type I start thinking about what all has happened since my last post and that's what you get. Sometimes, it's all about R, sometimes it's good news, and sometimes it's just a bitching rant. :)
MUCH LUV
Justin
Waiting around...
I am sitting here waiting for my husband ( yes, it's still R ) to bring me some breakfast. He and L went to get donuts but that was like and hr and a half ago. Hmm. R is so inconsiderate sometimes. Unless you are right in front of him, he wont give you a second thought. I mean, come on, it's almost noon and I have not eaten anything today yet. Why? Because there's not a damn thing in the house to eat. He has been too busy to shop for food the last couple days. Is there anything less important to him than taking care of me? I guess not...
R worked it last night so L would fall asleep on the couch so I could sleep with him ( mostly bcs he wanted sex. ) This morning L woke up before we did and came into R's room. R almost immediately kicked me out of the bed and out of the room. Seriously, he said to L "come get in bed with me, and Justin can go lay on the couch." Excuse me? I am the one still trying to sleep, why do I have to be the one to get out of bed? And then he nudged me out of the bed with his hips. Sometimes I want to slap him...
Oh, I wonder how he's going to react when I tell him I am going to spend the week with M is Ar while he is gone to San Francisco. Hmm. I am going to stay with M bcs I dont want to be trapped out here in the middle of no where for five days. No car or food in the house...no thanks.
At this point I dont really know for sure if R and I will make it. I would like to think we will but I really need to be with someone who isnt so damn scatter-brained. I mean more considerate. Also, me being cast aside so quickly and completely every other weekend ( while L, the son is here ) is a bit hard to take too. I expected it a little but damn, it's like I dont even exist. The son is nicer and more considerate to me than R.
I just dont know...there are so many issues and obstacles in our way.
Justin the confused about his relationship
R worked it last night so L would fall asleep on the couch so I could sleep with him ( mostly bcs he wanted sex. ) This morning L woke up before we did and came into R's room. R almost immediately kicked me out of the bed and out of the room. Seriously, he said to L "come get in bed with me, and Justin can go lay on the couch." Excuse me? I am the one still trying to sleep, why do I have to be the one to get out of bed? And then he nudged me out of the bed with his hips. Sometimes I want to slap him...
Oh, I wonder how he's going to react when I tell him I am going to spend the week with M is Ar while he is gone to San Francisco. Hmm. I am going to stay with M bcs I dont want to be trapped out here in the middle of no where for five days. No car or food in the house...no thanks.
At this point I dont really know for sure if R and I will make it. I would like to think we will but I really need to be with someone who isnt so damn scatter-brained. I mean more considerate. Also, me being cast aside so quickly and completely every other weekend ( while L, the son is here ) is a bit hard to take too. I expected it a little but damn, it's like I dont even exist. The son is nicer and more considerate to me than R.
I just dont know...there are so many issues and obstacles in our way.
Justin the confused about his relationship
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