Still in love...

I love being in love :)

A bit sappy, I know but I just cant help it. It has been so many years since I have been in love. And this time my love is returned. It's just so freakin' great. I am sitting here looking at my love and cant help but think how great he is. So cute and such a great dad too. You know how much I love kids and you dont get a much better idea of how someone is than to see them with kids...especially if the kids happen to be their own. For real, Rod is a great dad and after seeing him with his son I love him even more. He did the sweetest thing this morning...he woke me up to tell me he loves me. : )

On to other news: I spoke with M today for the first time since leaving Ar in May. That's right, we had another episode of not talking for months at a time. This makes the third time in the last couple of years we have done this. He started to text me a couple weeks ago. At first I didnt respond but I decided that it was time we patched things up. Of course, things will prolly never be the same between us...I can forgive but I will never forget. Our conversation was pretty nice, we didnt really talk about anything too serious. Just light, general conversation. I did learn that he has been talking to my Mom and Sister, which kinda pissed me off. I mean really, he goes behind someone's back and does something like that. I can understand how he was curious about me and wanted to know what was going on with me during the last four months but still, to call my Mom & Sister? Not cool with me...I overlooked it though. He does seem to be doing well. And at least our conversation wasnt strained or awkward. I am pretty sure our friendship will pick up where it left off and hopefully this time we can keep things going without further incident. I hope...

Back to Rodney...
I just cant help but think about him. He is the best thing to happen to me in so long...he's everything I have waited/wished for. Ok, ok I will cut out the sappy shit now. Promise.

My birthday is next week. Yep, another b-day. This year is 31. I cant believe another year has passed me by. Literally, passed me by. I did nothing worthwhile this past year. It was quite the opposite. I seem to have regressed but all that is changing now. I am so determined to turn shit around, you have no idea. I just hope I can make it happen the way I see it in my mind. I am thinking it will be difficult but most things are, that's just life.

I tried to get Mother to come see me today. Unfortunately, she was too busy doing yard work. Flattering, right? "I would rather be mowing than have lunch with you." That's how I took it...childish, I know but my feelings were hurt. It seems every time I try, she has something else better to do. I am to the point now where I no longer want to try...dont you love how I can change to whole mood of a post with just one sentence? Sorry 'bout that shizz.

On to more light hearted junk. My bestest girl friend left me her new phone number in my hotmail and I am planning to talk to her later tonight. I hope I have time, bcs I will be with Rod. And with his Rod too : )

So to wrap up...still in love, back talking to M, Mom's to busy for me, and still in love : )


Much love,
Justin, he loves the jugs

Another post!!!

Even thought I just did a post, I felt compelled to do another...

My last post was all about my new love and this one will be about me.

Life is going along pretty slow. Havent worked since May. I have been hiding from life, and reality. It has taken me since then to feel like I could face the world again, you know after my little break down...which was pretty devastating. There, I said it: breakdown. I did have one. A serious one. One that cost me my job, house, car, family, and my life. I am now going to start over and try to rebuild what I once had. It will be tough but it must be done. I know deep down I have the courage to do so, it's taken me until now to realize that. I feel like I have wasted enough time feeling sorry for myself and hiding from the world. I have been staying with a friend and have barely left his house since the first week of July. But now, with meeting Rodney, I know it's time to get back out into the world and become a part of it again.

I feel like I have said to much already and must go...

Justin...the new Justin who still loves the jugs :)

Rodney

Hold onto your seats y'all...I am about to drop a bombshell.

I have a new boyfriend...that's right, I have a boyfriend. A serious one too.

His name is Rodney. I have known him for a little over a week now and have spent every night with him in that week. We quickly became inseparable. He is forty-two, with brown hair and blue eyes ( not as pretty blue as mine, but blue none the less. ) He is so nice, and is exactly the kind of guy I have been waiting to find. He is pretty much perfect for me. We have the same astrological sign so we have a lot of similarities. But are just different enough to keep things interesting...

The sex is outstanding...I am talking scorchingly hot. He freakin rocks my world but I wont carry on anymore about that. Except to say that he is the first man I have come across in over a year and a half that I am willing to do some of the things we have done.

The best part? I love him. Yes, I said it, I love him. Even better than that, he loves me. I see it in his eyes. We have moved pretty fast, but when it's right, it's right. We clicked so well I kinda scared me at first. I have never met someone I clicked with like this. Nor have I ever met someone who could make me fall for him the way I have fallen for him. As I type this I am sitting here in his living room with his nine year old son, and not at all uncomfortable. It's not weird or awkward in any way. Oh, I also met his parents today too. Can you believe it?!?!

I hate to get ahead of myself here...but I am predicting that we will be together for a long time. At least I sure hope so. I just cant believe I have fallen in love with a decent man for a change. I feel so good about going into a relationship this time...no trepidation or anything. Like I said before, it just feels right. He told me today that he was ready to walk me down the aisle. And you know what? I am ready for that too. You guys know I am not the marrying kind but all that has changed. I am just in shock... the good kind. He treats me so good. Like I deserve to be treated. Finally, a boyfriend who treats me as good as I treat them. Finally!!!

All those bad experiences were worth it to get to this one.

For now, I am in love and going with it...everyone join hands and pray that things work out for me and Rodney...although I dont think we need but it never hurts.

Much love to everyone out there.

Justin, the in love juglover

weekend adventures

What started out as a boring and just-like-any-other weekend sure turned out to be a ton of fun.

I actually met someone...I know me, who would have thought? I pretty much spent the entire weekend with him and didnt once get annoyed. Good news, right?


Stay tuned for more details...

back again, briefly

Hey everybody! Hope all my chums in the blogosphere are doing well.

Me? Not too bad, although I cant really go into any great details at this time. Just know that I am still around and dying bcs I am not able to post as frequently as I would like. I know, I know, it's hell for you guys too. :)

Anyways, I promise soon, very soon I will do a lengthy post to fill all my faithful readers in on the details of my life today. Promise!

I am still alive!!!

Hey y'all...sorry for the long absence. So many things have changed since I last posted. Way too many to mention in one post...but here's a few.

No longer in Ar with M, back in Tulsa.
Not currently working anywhere but still surviving.
My grams has moved out of our house and is moving back to Kansas...that's another long story.

Anyway, sorry to cut this one so short and leave you hanging on so many juicy details but I will be back very soon.

Much love to y'all...and I promise I wont stay away for so long next time.

Just Justin the Juglover :)

Things are looking up...

So, after a couple of rough days, I have just had a couple of good days. :)

Today, Friday, I worked about five hrs at the guys house. It was raining here, actually it was thunder storms, and Tim said he didnt want to move anything today...so I spent five hrs cleaning their filthy ass house.

I started with the dishes, as usual, and then did everything from four load of laundry, swept, swiffered, and mopped about 2500 sq ft of their house, leaned a ton of windows ( that are 7ft tall by 2ft wide ) and the list goes on and on. It really wasnt that bad. They stayed in their bedroom and I worked at my own pace. I accomplished a lot and wasnt stressed out once...love it. Of course, the day was not without incidents though...Jack spilled a cup of coffee all over the place in the dining room. The coffee got all over the upholstry on one of the chairs ( very expensive upholstry, I might add ) and Tim kept bitching forever about it. After that died down, the day wasnt so bad at all.

We are spending the night at Aunt Cindy's tonight after spending the night at our apt in Conway last night. Everyone's gone to a family reunion except Ninny, Mackie, his dad n step mom, and Lita ( Cindy n Rhonda's sister ) came down to help M and I keep up with Ninny...bcs she cant walk on her own. Most of the time she is in her wheel chair. She is quite the spit fire for being 71 and having terminal brain cancer. So far she has threatened to wip me if I didnt stop being so quiet, and then this morning so told me to get my prissy ass in the house!!! She's hilarious. :)

Anyway...we are back here for the weekend and looking forward to next week. I hope it's more smooth sailing than this past one...which was as up and down as a roller coaster.


Alright y'all, I am going to go for now but I will be back for a weekend post tomorrow or Sunday.

Much love,
Justin

Another day in Hell, oops I mean Arkansas

Alright y'all, I am going to refrain from doing another bitchy, whiney post...but just know that I have had the kind of day for it.

My day started off super rough with an argument with M. I will not go into details bcs I already promised I wouldnt. It was horrible and that's all I will say about it.

My day with the guys was equally shitty. Well, it was more weird sprinkled with some shit. Thank God Randy, another gay who works for them showed up kinda late in the afternoon. Tim started to focus more on him. Not in the same way as me, they have adult conversations about things like politics and such...boring as hell if you ask me. I just kind of sit there during these conversations. Jack was another story today. He was all about talking to me and acting strange. He kept saying he wanted to see my butt and suck my dick...he did neither. I did have a full day with them. I cleaned their kitchen ( hand washed dishes, swept & mopped, and a full room wipe down ) did four loads of laundry ( including drying and folding ) moved four loads of stuff with Tim to the theatre, and then cleaned their room for them. In their bedroom I filled a 30 gallon trash bag full of old newspapers that they had thrown on the floor after reading them. They are such pigs. I have never met anyone who lives like they do...rich or poor. They are rich by the way, if I hadnt already mentioned that before. Quite a lot of activities for six hrs, right?


Sorry guys, but I have to go again...to be continued later.

Much love,
Justin the lover of jugs. :)

Emotional wreck

Alright guys, I am about to let it all out...

I am so fucking upset lately. Trying ( somewhat successfully ) to hide it.

I absolutely hate it in Ar. Mackie and I are just barely getting along. Most of the time the last couple days there has been this weird tension. We are both on edge bcs we are so broke. We didnt get to work three days in a row last week and are trying to catch up. He borrowed money yesterday from the old men ( but started that new job today ) so now I am working my ass off to pay it back. Basically I feel like I am making his car payment while mine goes unpaid. It is not a good feeling. So, it will be the first of next week before I will get paid. I have 19hrs left before we will be paid up. Until then, we are basically fucked. We have no money, no nothing. Fucking sucks. We will be packing up to move back into the camper tomorrow, to stay at Aunt Cindy's...thank God we do have the camper to stay in, it's just in Cindy's yard. We have to stay there bcs we have to money for food. Yeah, things are that good for us right now...

Ok, back to the tension between M and I. I feel so unappreciated and lost. He expects so much from me, and then acts all pissed when I dont do something. He is so controlling too. He decides every move we make. Where we will eat. He holds the money. The money that he borrowed he gave me $15 out of it for gas to get to work today, and a pack of cigarettes. He is now saying we have no money left...I do think the money thing is most of our problem. He is so touchy, a loose cannon. I feel like I have to try to stay on his good side bcs if I dont, there will be hell to pay. For instance, the other day he went to get some food and I didnt want to go. Shannon, a friend of his was going with him so I figured he wouldnt be that mad if I didnt go. Wrong again. He must have been really pissed bcs he waited a good thirty minutes before he brought my food home. It was Chik Fil A too. Under temperature chicken is always a good idea for dinner, right? That's just one example of how he will punish me if I dont do one little thing he wants. Oh, and he told his roommate, who told Shannon and Gary, and his Aunts about my little episode in the pysch ward too after he told me he wouldnt tell anyone. There is so much more but I dont want to seem too whinny. Not that I havent already...

Overall, I just want to go home. I hate it here. The constant not knowing is killing me. Not knowing where I am going to sleep that night, not knowing if we will have money for necessities, the not knowing if M is up to something behind my back, not knowing what the hell is going on bcs he doesnt share anything...I have to ask a million questions.

Sorry for the bitchy post y'all. I have no one to talk to and had to get this out. I have so many emotions stirring around in me that I am not sleeping, eating half of what I usually do, my skin looks horrible, I could go on and on all night...but I will stop here.


Thanks for "listening" everybody.
Much love,
Justin

Hey guys..

Hey y'all. Still here in Ar, not much has changed there.

A few other things have changed though.

First of all: Mackie has gotten a job. A traveling salesman job. He only travels around here in Ar so it's not like he will ever be gone overnight. He also gets a co car and gas card. I hope he likes it...and that he stays at it.

Next, since Mackie is now working, I have to go to work for the old guys alone. I was pretty nervous about it, but everything worked out alright. Tim kinda flirted some while we were moving stuff and then at lunch but I didnt play along. He asked me this afternoon what my thoughts on him cheating on Jack were...I told him it wasnt for me to say. Jack was kinda moody today, he asked me to say something sweet to him. ??? I asked him if he was having a rough day, and he said no, that he just wanted me to be sweet to him. I have been so far, so I am not sure why he would say such a thing. It was a tad weird. I just kinda grabbed what I was after and left the room. Then Tim asks me after lunch if I will help him change the sheets on their bed. I said yes, but had no intention of doing it. I was not putting myself in that position...alone with them in their bedroom. Hell no, that's the only room in the house that I don't have to clean and I dont want them to start expecting me to. We'll see how it works out...


Gotta jet again,
Justin

Chillin' on a Sunday in the middle of no where

Hey guys...coming at you again from aunt Cindy's in Gum Log, Ar.

It's Sunday and M and I have been busy today too. We went this am to finish up some errands and such after breakfast...and have been out here since we finished. Oh well, at least most everybody that was here went home this am. Aunt Rhonda should be back today too...she's been in Search, Ar visiting here bf. She should be back this afternoon and then Aunt Lisa will be going home, everyone takes turns helping Aunt Cindy out with Ninny ( who is M's grandma that now has terminal brain cancer. ) Very sad situation...she is such a lively woman. She ( and the rest of the family ) have made me feel so comfortable. I will always appreciate their hospitality. It's not every family that allows their gay nephew or grandson bring over their gay friend to stay for days at a time. Seriously guys, we have spent almost as many nights here than we have at our apt in Conway since I arrived.
This will be the last month we pay rent though...we are moving into Uncle Bub's camper for a month. It is a nice one, just needs a little cleaning and some fairy dust. It has everything we could possibly need: air conditioning, shower & toilet, refridgerator, the whole nine yards...it's only going to be for a month or maybe two. I really dont even mind so much, we are going to spend a couple weeks camping out at the lake. Hopefully the summer will be a good one...


I need to get a few things off my chest, as I am pretty much without anyone to talk to...
I miss my family so much I can hardly stand it. Grams and Kiah, my Mom and Sister, everyone. It's tough going from seeing all of them daily to now have not seen any of them in weeks...and it will be another month or so before I see them again. I just have to hold it together until my homesickness subsides. Of course being around M's family so much kinda makes things easier though...many of them I have known for over ten yrs so it's not like I just met them.
Also, I am worried about my back situation. I have some rx's right now that are helping but what will I do when I run out of them? I cant function with that much pain. Not for work or otherwise. I have been racking my brain trying to think of something, anything I can do to ease the pain. For real, it's pretty out of control again. The littlest things make it throb. M ( whose leg was crushed and now has a metal rod in there ) is not exactly sympathetic either. It's ok when he's is hurting, but I am expected to grit my teeth and drudge on...

And, I have this weird feeling that there's something M is not telling me...
Not sure what in the hell it could be, but I just feel like something's up...


Stay tuned guys.

Much love to everyone,
Juggy

Still at aunt Cindy's...

Here I am still out here in the sticks...with about 30 of Mackie's family members. No, it's not a re-union, just a weekend cookout. Since M's grandma is so sick and almost died of cancer, their family gets together more frequently now. I know my family would do the same.

We didnt get to work again today. Jack called late last night and said Tim was "broke down" and that they would see us on Monday. Ugh! We really needed to work today...oh well, next week we will just have to make sure we work every single minute we can. I am starting to wonder how much longer they guys will be willing to shell out that much cash every day. M and I get paid ten bucks an hr cash and get paid every day. We usually leave there with between $120 & $140. We cant get there until about 10am bcs that's when Tim get up, and he's always ready to wrap things up about 4pm. But, for the six or seven hrs we get paid for, we only are doing actual work about half the time...Tim likes to take lots of breaks or
"rests" as he calls them. We also get our lunch bought for us and get paid for our lunch break too. It's really not a bad deal at all...of course I am leaving out some of the nastier details bcs my mom reads this :)

Overall, life in Ar is not so bad. M and I have our little spats daily but nothing serious...so far. We are so much alike and so different at the same time. I just hope we can continue to be nice to each other and get along so we can make the most out of living together. He has such a temper though...and the slightest thing can set him off. Then it takes forever for him to cool off too. I try and stay as calm and mellow as possible that way we dont fight as much...wish us luck.

Gotta jet for now.
Justin the juglover

Here I am...

Hey guys, again I am sorry for the absence. Mackie and I have been crazy busy again...he does live a fast paced life, and now I do too.

We have only gotten to work about three days this week. We did call in a day, we were just too tired to go in. Not very responsible but hey, we deserved a break for a day...or at least we thought so at the time. Then we didnt get to work today, the old fags went to Little Rock. They take their dry cleaning all the way to LR! That's just how fuckin' dumb they are. Anyway, now we are kinda broke and hoping for the best.

Lot's of other things have happened too...so many weird things happen to me all the time but I cant always get to a computer and by the time I do, I have forgotten them :) We are always out and about running around somewhere and see hot guys everywhere! Arkansas sure can grow some hot motherfuckers down here. I met the boyfriend of one of M's friends and he is just about the hottest man I have ever seen...in real life. Damn was he smoking. Remeber my posts about Jordan? The hot 24 yr old? The guy I met today is much, much hotter than Jordan and I considered him almost a ten. Ok, ok I am starting to lose focus...


Well, I am sitting at aunt Cindy's right now typing this post, and M is shouting at me to come and do something with him so I gots to go ( he punishes me in weird ways if I dont do something with/for him.) Like the other day, I didnt go with him to get some food ( oh, and he didnt go alone, a friend of his Shannon, went with him ) and he waited for like 45 mins to bring me my food...it was stone cold. So nice of him...but I do still love him to pieces, he is now and prolly always will be my bestest friend. Ever.

Hugs * Kisses,
Juggy

It's been a weird one...

Hey guys, sorry for the absence. Mackie and I have been staying at aunt Cindy's house with his grandma and sister Tracy. Aunt Cindy was on vacay and Tracy was there to sit with Ninny and wanted Mackie and I to come stay with her. So we did. Aunt Cindys house is out in Gum Log, Ar and there is no internet access out there, or at least no signal I could get on this lap top.
They stay wasnt really that bad except for Ninny's dog constantly attacking everyone, the son of a bitch bit me! I hated to have to go outside bcs the motherfucker would not leave me alone. Mackie and his family just stood around and laughed about it. Over all, it wasnt as bad as I thought it was going to be...but then again, it was just the four of us. Mackie's dad ans step mom live in a trailer right next to Aunt Cindy's trailer but we only saw them from time to time, not that much. I was glad to come home though. It has been a long week and we have just been lazy today.

We also worked all week too. Tuesday we went in and the place was a disaster! We spent two hrs cleaning the kitchen. Then more moving and other junk. The tension between Tim and I was starting to get a little hotter but he was still being stand-offish. Then Wed it started heating up a little...he started to touch me a lot. Plus that morning he went around with just a tee shirt. No bottoms on at all. He would prolly have been nude if he didnt have a belly. He started to talk to me more too...it was just a matter of time. He said something about washing the cars. I told him I would bring some shorts and do it the next day...I had a plan that would not fail.

Thursday we show up and clean the kitchen and Tim was antsi to get outside to do the cars but he had to go into town to get some soap and wax and tire cleaner. When he got back I changed into a tiny pair of gym shorts witout a shirt or underwear ( Mackie just wore what he had been wearing all day, and refused to change. ) Jack and Tim neither one could keep their eyes off me. By the time we were finished with the cars Tim was so wound up he was about to pop any second...and he asked me to take a shower with him. I said no and went inside to change. He, of course followed me and told me not change too fast. And then said he had yet had a chance to touch me. That time had arrived and let me tell you, he loved every minute of it. Jack yelled out to us so we didnt really have time to do a whole lot, which was perfect bcs he just got a little taste and is eager for more. We talked a little outside afterwards and he was very blunt about saying he wants to start an affair with me...the plan worked y'all! I am now going to continue to tease him without any follow thru until he gives me some money. My new plan is to tell him if he gives me money to get an apt then he can come over anytime...bcs that is our biggest problem, no place to go. I will convince him that renting me an apt ( or at least funding for me to rent one ) is a good idea. If he doesnt give me any then I wont give him any either.

Hmm, wonder how this is going to work out...

Later on,
Justin

meh...

Today was another day...Sunday May 20th ( or I think it's the 20th. )

We woke up today and got ready bcs aunt Rhonda was on her way to p\ick us up. We were headed to aunt Cindy's for the second Sunday in a row. Fun times...actually it wasnt that bad. Mackie's aunts are nice and funny, thank goodness bcs Mackie sure didnt go out of his way to make me feel comfortable. There wasnt that many people there this time so it wasnt bad at all...considering we were there for 5hrs. Mackie and I went out back for "smoke" breaks and that made the day much easier too. :)

Tomorrow I am hoping we will get to work with the old couple...we havent been there in days so I can only imagine how disgusting the house is. We will definitely be spending a couple or more hours cleaning the kitchen alone. ..fine with me, making ten bucks an hr for washing semi dirty dishes is nothing. It's pretty low key, the kitchen is kinda small so only me and Mackie are in there while we are cleaning. Well, they come in and out at different times to get coffee and stuff but do not stay long. They like to come and cruise us while we are in there...you can just feel them looking at you...kinda creepy. Oh well, it is ten bucks an hr so I can deal with a couple of old pervs checking me out...that's all they get without additional fees. :)


Things are going pretty good all facts considered...they could be going a little better between Mackie and I but nothing too bad so far. Just a couple of little spats that were not resolved within minutes. Stay tuned though bcs he is so controling and manipulative that I am sure there will be fireworks eventually.

Much love,
Juggy

another day in Ar...

Today was full of mixed emotions. We were awakened this morning by a phone call from our boss, well one of them, the younger one called to tell us not to come to work today. Kinda sucked bcs we were counting on that money. Ugh! The day was pretty lazy for us after that...didnt really do much except hang out and watch some tv. Pretty uneventfull, which was fine with me.

As promised I am going to give you guys the low down on this couple I have been working for...

Jack is the older one, and is about 74 or something. He is nice but very blunt. He wants sexual favors from me and is not shy about saying so. Nothing has happened...

Tim is the younger one and is about 58 or close to it. He is pretty nice and is also pretty dang forward. Yesterday after we were finished for the day I was outside waiting for Mackie to come so we could leave. Instead it was Tim and he had brought me a glass of wine. He asked me to come sit down and talk to him...down by the hot tub. He turned it on and removed the cover. He told me for the fourth time that day how sexy he thinks I am...whatever man. I sat a little over ten feet away from him and we chatted for a while. I got tired of waiting and wondering how I was going to tell him that if he wanted anything sexual to happen I would need payment up front...that's a tough one to bust out with. Usually old, gross men know they have to pay so they mention it right away. Not this one though, and I didnt want to take offend him either. Like I said, it's a touchy subject to bring up...so I didnt. I told him I was going to find Mackie and tell him I was hungry and ready to go. Tim looked disappointed and like he was going to say something but didnt and I went up the cement stairs and into the house....more on the house later too, it's fucking gorgeous. It's like a mini mansioin, by mini I mean 3500 sq feet. Details on the house and the condition of the house later...you will be shocked.


Gotta go for now, much love to y'all.

Justin Juglover

another rough one

I stayed home yesterday while Mackie went to work. He is doing some house cleaning and just general bullshit for this older gay couple. He told me before I came down here I would be able to go and work with him. He just needed a day to talk to them about it. Fine, I had a nice day just hanging out and doing a bunch of nothing. Well, I did load and unload the dishwasher and a few other things like that...no big thing. This morning I went to work with Mackie and man, was it a trip. This couple are a gay couple that have been together for 30 yrs or something close to it. One is 59 & the other is 73, and they are completely fucking loaded. They live in this mansion style home that they have just pitted out so much its sad. It's a gorgeous ass home that they have run down with allowing the dogs to live in the house. The guys are pigs too. We arrived this am to clean the kitchen. It was pretty gross. It took Mackie and I both almost two hours to clean it. Not bad though...they are paying us $10 an hour cash to do whatever they need. The rest of the day had us loading and unloading all these books. We had two suv backends completely loaded down with all these heavy ass books. They own a 12 screen movie theatre that they are moving a bunch of stuff to, well you get it, we are being paid to help them move. Not bad but it was one hell of a long walk unloading books at the theatre. And up two flights of stairs. That did kinda suck. We made $200 by the end of the day and they bought us lunch too.

Super tired for now, and needing to eat dinner so I will leave my very detailed descriptions of the guys for tomorrow. Believe me, you will want to read all about them....they are a trip.


Until next time...
Justin

latest excitement part 3

Ok, so I just checked out of the motel and now am wondering what to do. I was woke up this am by a phone call from Mackie...I pretty much told him I would be moving there to Ar with him today. I called mom and told her what I was planning to do and asked her to tell grams I would be stopping by to load more stuff into my car since I was pretty much moving permanently. After a pretty rough morning I made it to grams' house and finished loading up the car, at least this time it wasnt raining. I said my goodbyes and shed a few tears with mom and grams but hardly got a glance from my aunt...oh well, she will get over it soon enough. I cant help but wonder how it will work out her and grams living alone without me, who has always been the barrier/common ground between them. I called my boss and told him I was planning to move and hated absolutely hated to quit my job over the phone. I am really going to miss that place and all the people and acceptance I had at that job. Odyssey was one of the best jobs I had ever had...and I hated to walk away from it, especially under those circumstances. Oh well on that one too, I would have always been stuck in the same position under the same boss with the same pay forever.

So, it took me forever to drive to Ar today. Traffic was heavy most of the way. I met Mackie in Russelville and then followed him home a stretch down the highway to Conway, Ar my new home. So far it's gone ok, but overall not bad at all. I dont hate it here, it just doesnt seem like home. Maybe in time it will, but things are weird now. Mackie has told a couple of his friends about what I have been thru ( his version at that ) and he and his roommate are not really speaking either...more awkard than that? Not much... Mackie has also been sick lately too.

So, here we both are...with no jobs. Him sick and me with my back pain back at full force. You remember the kind I used to have. Well, it's back now that I have nothing to take for it, and it's driving me fucking crazy. Who wouldnt go insane with constant blinding pain? I hope for the day when I dont have to tolerate the pain anymore....

Well kids, now that I am living with Mackie in Arkansas, looking for a new job, and basically starting a new life, things will be interesting all the time. Look forward to reading about my fucked up life and not feeling so bad about yours afterward....


Much love to everyone,
Justin

Recent excitement continued...

So I have just been discharged from the pysch ward and in the car with mom and my sister leaving the hospital I learn that I am no longer allowed to live in my house with my granmother. My first thought was "what the fuck am I going to do now?" I called my job and convinced them to give me my paycheck a day earlier. My family had canceled my atm card as punishment but it was actually an advantage bcs without my card my pay acct was useless. At the bank they told me without my card I could not get any money until a new card arrived. No way that was going to work bcs I had no money, no place to go, and no gas in my car either. So, I called and told the acct lady ( who is one of the owner's wives and loves me a whole lot too ) and told her everything that had happened to me so far. She was symphatetic at once and told me to call her right back. When I did she told me she was cutting me a check right then. The only catch was that I had to go by there. It was quite a scene. Not really that bad but still bad enough. I cried in front of a couple of people and they hugged me. Some of them I am really going to miss...more on that later. I go to cash the check and after driving around in the pouring down rain. I needed a hot minute to gather my thoughts after getting discharged and then packing up a bunch of stuff into the car and the whole money thing which thank goodness worked out, I decide to rent a hotel room bcs the only person I could have stayed with was working until 9pm and was about 2pm at this time. I hated to waste money but had not many other options. I got some food, the food in the hospital I was in was gross and I pigged out. Then I slept a while after eating and watching some tv. I now had to decide was I going to stay in Tulsa and stay with someone ( but who? ) or move to Arkansas and stay with Mackie...who doesnt really have a job right now either? Hmm, these are some big decisions and I am sitting all alone in a kinda gross cheap motel room. What the fuck? How did things end up so bad for me so fast?

Damn....what should I do?
Find out in the next post Y'all...and stay tuned bcs I promise this is just the tip of what's about to start happening to me. It will be worth the read.

Daily.

Justin...the new one.

Excitment, anyone?

My posts lately have been kinda boring...well that stops today. In the last week, I have been in the hospital, quit my job, and moved to Arkansa. Bizarre, I know.

Here's the low down...

The harsh combination of all my pain pills kinda jacked me up. The ER Dr that I saw at the time of my overdose told me that the chemicals in the pills I was taking added up were like taking heroin. I know...me on heroine. Not pretty. With all the chemicals I had mixed up in my system last Monday May 6th 2007 caused me to have a bit of a nervous break down. I freaked out thinking I was hearing stuff and went a little crazy. I ended up taking all the pills I had and then slashed my wrists. Just wait, it gets better from here...I was taken to the ER about 16 hrs after I had done all this by my mom, my aunt, and my sister who were all completely pissed. So, they pumped my stomach, and then transfered me to the crazy hospital. That's right, I mental institution. It was just my luck that on this particular night there were no beds available in any of the 6 local hospitals' pysch wards. So, I was transfered about 45 miles north to the hospital in my home town. That I had not lived in for 15 yrs and was returning to the pysch ward. They tied me down and drugged me up for a day while I slept and then it was time to join in group and individual therapy sessions. The groups were really interesting. I wont really go into each individual person's personalities but let me just say that they were each beyond fucked up. I didnt belong there with them. I realize what I did was plain old stupid and wrong but I am not crazy. So, after a couple or so days the Shrink discharged me...but not before my mom tried to convince me and the shrink that I should stay. I got out...because the Dr felt it was best for me and my siuation.

That, I will have to get inyo later.


Until then guys,

Juggy