out of sorts again...

I have been feeling weird lately...and not sure why.

Work is still hell. Its me and a bunch of others who could care less. I work myself to death everyday trying to make it the best restaurant possible. I almost hate it now.

Home is not too bad...but has been better. R and I are getting along but not like we were. Perhaps its my fault. Perhaps its his...who can say. Perhaps its just circumstances that make things occasionally tense...all I know is that I keep having these weird vibes like i uses to...back when he was sneaking around. Maybe I am being crazy...or maybe I am right like all the other times. I figure if theres something being hidden it will come to light eventually...

My family is great. I wish I could see grams more often. I miss her so much. I still thank my lucky stars she still loves me after all the horrible things I did. I did get to see her this week. I took off a half day bcs her b-day was yesterday and I wanted to take her the gifts I got her. Mom and sister both doing well too...of course I hardly ever talk to either of them...perhaps I should make more of an effort...?

Well, thats it. Just me, being a baby again. I am hoping after typing this out I will feel better with a renewed perspective.

Justin, weird

Man...

life sure is hard sometimes...

Work is killing me. Hate being there sometimes. I have to drag myself thru it everyday...

Home is not bad right now. R is still all over most of the time...but he has gotten better about being rational. I love him so...so thankful for him and our life together.

Why am I so lonely? Why do I feel like somethings missing...now? Whats wrong with me?
Life is hard enough to face...without regrets too.


Justin, sad.

2010 so far...

has not been great but not completely terrible either.

Things between R and myself are pretty good. I hate that it took me moving completely out and staying gone for an entire week for him to realize some things...but better late than never I suppose. I am hoping we will fall back into a normal routine and life will regain some normality. I really hope that he stays true to his pledge of being different...cuz if he doesnt then I am gone. For good this time. I will not let myself get sucked back in again. I am still having difficulty believing I came back this time...I hope I am not a fool. Lord, please let this time be different for real is all I am saying...

Subway is pretty good too. Not great, but what do I expect, right? Not much more than I am getting now. I started breakfast at my store today...I hope it goes over decent enough not to eat away at my bonus but not so much that it heaps more onto my workload...cuz its full. Its real full for the 9.25 an hr I make running the joint. I remind myself daily that: I am my own boss who writes my own schedule, work mostly Mon-Fri during the day, get a great deal on my insurance, and my phone bill is paid too. The bonus has been a little disappointing so far but this time next year it should double. Should anyway...
I also have a new asst mgr. She is a lesbian that I actually get along with...well, most of the time. She is a big help on most things most days but like anyone else has an off day once in a while. Overall, I am glad to have her...and focus on the things she does for me and not on how she does them differently than I would...control is so hard to let go of, especially when your salary rides on so many things that so many people are into...

In other news: I bought a desk. I am sitting at it now. I am planning to buy a futon next. I am going to furnish this room in R's house with things I can use later if I have to leave him again. I am keeping the mini storage I rented for peace of mind too...I can be moved out and into storage in three car loads or less ( with what I have now. ) Of course, I cant exactly get everything I will need or it will seem obvious but I can get most everything. Things like towels and such I will not buy. I do already have glasses though. Back to the desk. I love it. Its black metal and glass and quite modern I think. I will have to consider it when planning future purchases...

All in all, things are decent for me. I am hoping to get my heiress check soon so I will have some money in the bank and pay off my car...which I only owe $2500 on! Its still running good too.

Well, thats it for now...

Justin, still here.

Well, here we go...

Going out of town this weekend for a much needed mini vacation. I was single last week ( more on that later ) and intend to go thru with my plans.

Things have been pretty fucked up for me lately. I dont really know where to start...

1. Moved completely out of R's house.
2. Moved in with mom.
3. Moved half my shit into a mini storage.
4. Moved back in with R...only halfway for now.
5. Been sick as hell all week long feeling tired and run-down. Sore throat and cough bad today.

I just hope getting away will relax me and leave me feeling energized enough to tackle my life and all its problems when I return...

I am feeling real confused and conflicted lately. I love R and want to be with him...yet also have so many hard feelings against him. I just dont know what to do...

Justin, confused

so frustrated lately

So my post of 2010 is going to be a rant...

Work is killing me lately. I am so fucking tired of carrying the entire restaurant. I know I take too much on but it is my job. I simply can not change the way I am...hopefully things will get easier for me...oh, also I have a ton of online classes to complete for work too. Ugh.


Home is not so great either...R and I are fighting. He has hurt me once again. I am not claiming innocence in it but I am not the one going online and making things worse...its hard to make ammends with someone you are angry with, u know. I just wish things would even out and we could just be a normal, happy couple. I want some affection...not just sexual advances. I need someone who is mine, and only mine...not trying to go out on me every chance he gets.

Thats about it. Work blows and home sucks.

Justin, spun out.

2009 recap

Well, while I did not do many posts this last year it does not mean there was not a lot going on for me...oh, Lord, where to begin...

First of all, my job is pretty good. It could be much worse...much, much worse. The only bad thing is that I dont make enough money to live on my own. I cant believe I would have to work two jobs just to support myself. Well, it does look like it is coming to that too.

Yep, you guessed it. R and I had it out big time today. I am so sick and tired of coming on here just to bitch about him. I have no one else to talk to about him. My family is out bcs I have been dumb enough to stay with him and could not risk them not liking him...for obvious reasons. Same deal with my friends...not that I have any. I am so alone. Trapped in an distrusting and empty marriage and have alienated everyone else except my family for said marriage. I now hate R so much I cant stand it. It is Christmas in a couple days and this shit happens. I had a feeling it would. It is kinda weird how this happened this time. I ignored feelings and vibes ( unaccounted for time for R and a strange number in his phone that I didnt call ) only to be smacked in the face with it. I logged onto his laptop and opened mozilla firefox and it told me there was too many tabs open and something, something and gave me the option to restore the previous session, which I did. What opened really hit me hard: his yahoo email, manhunt, and the casual encounters page on craigslist. Those three tabs together is not a coincidence either. There is no believable reason for it. R said he doesnt have to justify himself to me ( hello, we are in a relationship here! ) and insisted that he had done nothing wrong. I do not believe this shit for a second bcs he would rather die than admit anything to me.

So now, what to do? Should I stay with him and hope he is telling the truth? Should I leave him and start a horrible life living with my mother in a one bedroom apt? Unless I stay with R until I get my heiress check, I have no other options right now. It eats me to the core that this keeps happening and I have to overlook it just to have a place to live. Well, I guess I really dont have to, but choose to. Why do I choose to? Why dont I want to leave him? Maybe I am not as strong as I thought...or maybe I am just scared.

I was so looking forward to the holidays this year. He ruins everything for me. He ruined Thanksgiving, and always starts something with me when we are going to see my family. Literally, each time we are on our way to my moms he starts some shit. I fucking hate him. I fucking hate him so fucking much. I have been so on edge lately with these weird feelings eating at me...and now I know why.

I hope my leaving him will change him for the better...as a wake up call and that he does not get back on drugs and let himself go. I want good things for him...even if they dont include me.

Fuck, I am tired of sitting here swallowed up in emotion. I am numb from all the cecil but still...

My life was so good. And now its over.

Justin, so overloaded I cant think of an adjective to end my post like I always do...damn it.

Oh Lord...life is complcated

Man, talk about overload for me lately.

First of all...I am now up to two deceased grandparents in the last two weeks...I was not close with the latest one ( great grandpa Heber ) but still.

Next we have the hives. I have been broke out in hives almost everyday for like three months now. I have taken the zyrtec like all the Dr's told me to. I am now taking a combo of zyrtec and benadryl just to keep them down. Each morning I hope they are not on my face ( like Thanksgiving ) or on my arms and noticeable at work. I go back to the derm next week and hopefully he can help me out. I just wish I could figure out what I am allergic to...I hope its not my dog.

Then theres my work. I am coming to dislike it. It has become a constant headache...covering shifts, waiting for people to come who come in late, and those not in uniform too. I have put my foot down and started passing out write ups but damn why does it have to come to this? I hate being the bad guy all the time...but then again, it is my job to enforce the rules. I do take my job seriously and realize this is just part of it.

Finally we have R. Things are pretty good with us right now. That's right, I am still with him. I may have jumped to conclusions with some of my accusations. I also wont be looking for trouble anymore either...what I dont know wont hurt me...I hope. I want to trust him but I just cant. I do love him and want a life with him but like everything else it is hard. Hopefully things will be alright with us and we will grow old together...

I am so out of sorts again lately. Not sure if its all the antihistamines I have been taking or everything weighing me down.

On a different note: I went to my real dad's for Thanksgiving. They noticed me so much no one mentioned the huge hive right by my left eye. I felt uncomfortable and we left before they even ate. We did have to get Luke anyway... My sister obviously hates me too. R thinks she is threatened by me...which is ridiculous! Although she has my dad all to herself all these years....so how knows. She is so cold to me and would not even look me in the eye. Oh well, not everyone is going to be a fan.

Justin, all broke out

the bottom dropped out...

Well, things had been going well for me lately. Until a couple days ago they got really shitty.

Firstly, my grandma died thurs morning at 4:50 am. I was there and spoke to her before she passed...thankfully. It was my dad's mom, Jewel. She was 90 yrs old and had always had a lot of health problems for as long as I can remember. She will be missed by many.

Next we have R. He decided that the best time to cheat on me would be when I was in the hospital watching my grandma die. So nice of him, right? He is a real class act. I discovered a tulsa cricket phone number in his phone that he had called a couple of times and called it myself. It was of course a gay dude on the message... R will not admit anything. He is such a sneaky piece of shit. He just lied to me about meeting up with an old trick of his in the city last week but he insists that they only had lunch... like I am so stupid to believe him. So, now I will be moving out next week when I can get it all together and leave for good in one trip. God, how I hate him now. He has made me the fool for the last time.

Justin, completely fucked up about it.

So long, no post

Well, things are good with me right now.

I am constantly busy running my store...being the sole manager with no assistant can be rough.

Things with R and me are good right now too. Nothing major to report...it seems we finally settled into a comfortable existence with each other. I do love him so...we celebrated our 2 year anniversary last week. We went to dinner and then to the casino for drinks...we both had free money points come in the mail so its not like we wasted any money gambling...

Also, this week is my b-day. I am 33 this year. I cant believe it. I am now in my mid thirties....
But, I am finally in a great relationship. I am gainfully employed at a job where I am my own boss. I have a car that gets me around. I have my own bank account with which I pay my own bills. I am also still in good health too. I have a great family that I adore...especially my sisters kids. So, all in all my life is pretty damn good.

There is only one thing that is missing. It is my grams. I miss her so damn much. She has always been my biggest fan and life without her around is different for me even after so long. I do see her from time to time and talk to her on the phone though. I am more thankful than I have the words to express that she forgave me and allowed me back into her life and loves me just as unconditionally now and she did before all the stupid shit I did to her while she was trying to help me...God, I hope one day I can get past the guilt.

So, thats about it. Life is good, almost great. I am thankful for everything I have...and happy that I do, in fact have a life worth living and being grateful for.

Justin, 33

Man, what a hard day

I woke up this morning mad at R...over the whole situation with my mom. I cant help it. He seems like such a cold, heartless person. I have thought this before too. I dont really think he is but I am wrestling with it right now...

Is this relationship really right for me? Do I really want to be with someone I dont trust?
Just when I think things are going good...I get hit with reality. Perhaps I ignore things just to make life more tolerable...?

My day at work was just as bad. I had to write up my favorite employee...K. He had already had a bad day and started to cry. It just about killed me to see the pain in his eyes. I cant stand to see anyone cry...especially someone I care about. It was really hard.

But my real problem is R. How do I go on from here with him feeling so bitter towards him? How do I forgive him for making me tell my mom no and making her cry? Its my mom of all people...I mean, come on. There is not a person I know that would stay with him after this. Or, am I over reacting? I dont think so ....but sometimes I am glib. Just sometimes...I dont consider all the details or think things thru and I misread the situation...I guess everyone does.

Its weird how quickly things change...without any warning.

I just hate days like this...that really test me. I cant help but wonder....is it over? Did I pass?

Justin, fucked up.

Oh Lord, where to start...

First of all, work is really stressful. Not more than I can handle...but it sure takes its toll.

R and I are getting along...or at least we were. My parents are getting a divorce and my mother wants to move in with us for while. I thought that would be ideal but now R has decided that he does not think its a good idea. This puts me in the middle of both of them. And makes him seem very cold. If it were his sister or something he would not even hesitate to let them move in without even consulting me...but since this is his house, I have no say in anything. It is making me bitter towards him because I dont understand why he is so adamant about her not staying with us...it makes him seem heartless. And cold.

So, here I am stuck in the middle of my Mother who has always been there for me and the heartless cheater I am married to...but who I love very much. Man, just when my life was going good...at least I didnt get fired from my job or anything... Although, this has been a wake up call for me. If R and I split up I would be in the same position...except without being able to stay with my sister or my grandfather. So mom does have a place to stay...but neither is convenient.

Well, here I go to have a talk with R...I hope it does not end in screaming.


Justin, determined to save some money so he does not end up homeless again.

out of sorts

Lately I am feeling really weird. Not sure why, or even what I am feeling...

Everything is getting me down. It seems like every way I turn there is adversity. I heard once that "those who face adversity become adverse themselves." I am starting to thing thats true.

I normally have no problem staying strong and facing down any challenge. Lately my work has beaten me down. I am exhausted and about ready to walk away from it... there is only so many hard days one can handle...even me.

Things are good between R and I right now. No major issues or huge blowups lately. That is a relief...who knew he would become the stable, dependable one in my life. He is my husband but not nearly as strong as I am so leaning on him makes me feel bad sometimes... I do love him so...

Tonights post is some random thoughts that I just typed out in the moment.

Another...is that my sister and I seem to be close again. I am still hurt that she didnt invite me to or even tell me about her wedding until days after...but I just ignore those feelings and think about the flimsy excuse that she gave me...it makes sense, right?

My mother? Things are alright there too. I feel like an outsider a lot with her and my sister bcs they are so close now and spend so much time together...but I dont have kids. And am in a gay relationship that I dont try to hide. And am a huge flamer too. I am surprised she invited me to a softball game tonight...but they invited me at the last second and only bcs they felt sorry for me. I had just talked to them both on the phone and they both knew that I knew they are going to a game less than five miles from my house. Back to my mom. I appreciate all she has done for me but she makes me feel like I am a nuicance a lot. Maybe thats just me...

Well, I think I am done for now.

Justin, not himself.

Life...

...has been pretty rough lately.

Work is crazy right now...put in 56 hrs this week and no day off for another 5 days too. I just hope it is all worth it later. I have been promised my own store.

My relationship with R has been like a roller coaster. It is constant up and down with us...
He has been cheating and did in fact cheat while he was in Portland...he never admitted the whole truth or what he did with how many people though. I caught him, and this time he admitted it and we are seeing a counselor. I hope this is worth it too. I dont trust him and maybe I never will...

My sister and J got married two days ago. I was not invited...I was called and informed. She said the only people she invited were her witnesses...our parents. So, I was the only one in our "family" that was not there...which really hurts. I am very happy for her and wish them a lifetime of enviable happiness together though. If anybody deserves ( and has worked for ) a good life its my sister...I love her so much and hope all her dreams come true.

Back to my dreams... and I have no clue what they might be....I am unhappy with my life the way it is but am terrified to try to make any changes. I have been out of school for so long and have done so many drugs that I am afraid I wont be able to learn anything. I really do want a change tho...its just easier said than done. I cant imagine how hard it would be for me to try to get a degree, work enough to support myself, and maintain a relationship with R all at the same time. My sister makes it happen bcs her husband is trustworthy and they have a solid relationship. I can not say the same. Becoming the store mgr of a subway would be great...but I really dont think I like making sandwiches...but enjoy the rest of the job. Weird, right? I am so torn and confused by my entire life right now...everything is so unsettled....

On top of everything else...my back has been hurting a lot lately. I mean fucking killing like it used to...man, this is all I need.

So,
Will R and I make it?
Will I get my own store? Soon...?

Justin, pretty much freaked out.

Wow...I cant believe its been so long

So much has happened, so much has changed.

I am still with R. Our relationship is rocky right now but hopefully getting better and more stable and trusting with the help of a counselor. I wont really go into all of it right now bcs this post is about something more...

I am still employed at Subway. I am the asst at the store I work at now and have been promised my own store by the owner. I can not wait for this to happen for so many reasons. One of those being the money. Another being that as a current store mgr I should have no problem ever finding another job at a rest as the mgr.

Tomorrow is my ten year anniversary. Ten long years with a horrible, fatal disease. I cant believe I have made it this far doing so well...especially considering I was a drug addict for about four of those years...and considering those were recent years while I was taking meds too. I am so thankful and consider myself very lucky to be in good health and able to do the things I do in a day ( like put away a 60 something case truck in 10 minutes. )

I usually celebrate this day eating dinner with my family. Sadly, this year my grams wont be able to attend. She is still living in Ks with my aunt. I miss her more than anything. Of all the things I lost due to drugs, she is what hurts the most. I still talk to her and see her occasionally but its not the same. I think about her all the time and have some guilt over everything that happened. She has forgiven more but it kills me to think about how things would be if she had not. She has always been the only one I knew for sure was in my corner...no matter what I could count on her. I still can but still...its not the same. I started watching dancing with the stars and cry each time bcs we always watched it together. I just wish she really knew how truly sorry I am and that I really have changed this time. I really am different...

This year I am going to eat with mom ( who cant make it until 6:45 bcs she cant miss her kick boxing class ) and my sister. I do love them both, but these days I am really just an outsider with the two of them. I knew this would happen eventually but I didnt know it would hurt so much...although they have recently started to include me in some things. I suppose I should be thankful they allow me in their lives and have forgiven me too. R will be coming with us too. I am glad my family likes him. Mom likes him a little too much... her take on it is that if I am with R she does not have to worry. My sister likes him too which is nice. I am thinking it should be a nice dinner. I will be thinking about grams the whole time though...

Did I mentioin I got a car? Yep, got it all on my own. I real loan in just my own name and everything. I was expecting to have to buy from an in-house finance kind of place and pay twice too much for some piece of shit that I would be embarrassed to drive. I ended up getting a PT Cruiser. It is the limited edition and very nice. 2002 with only 79k miles for only $7000. I hope it lasts and is a good car.

All in all my life is not bad right now. I have a lot to be thankful for but still a lot of work to do.

Justin, optimistic.

let's catch up

This is my first post in the new year...hope it is a happy one for everyone.

My New Year's this year was kinda dull...which is ok with me. At least it was not horrible and there was no drama or bullshit.

Things have changed a little for me. I am now working at Subway. I started today and it was not bad. Of course it was my first day and you never can tell that soon...but so far, so good. At least it is daytime hours...which means I can be home at night with R.

Speaking of R... he and I are doing alright lately. There has been quite a few little spats but overall nothing major. This could change as I am typing this so wish me luck.

I am just at odds right now. So much can change, should change for me but I am so impatient. I am so fucking ready for things to turn around for me. I just cant stand waiting anymore. Soon I will have a car ( most likely not a car I really want but still a car ) and things will really change then. I will prolly get a second job to save some duckets should I need them...just in case my car should break down or perhaps need to find a place to live. I sure hope not but you just never know.

Well, it's 2009 and I cant believe it. I was not ready to let go of 2008...I had more to accomplish in that year. Damn it, 2009 will be the year I make it all happen. No more sitting around...

Justin, hopeful

sick of it...

I am so tired of always being supportive to those who need it but never receiving any support in return. I feel myself turning cold on the inside...I really just dont fucking care anymore.

R and I have made up ( for now ) but things are so shifty they could change in a second. Since he has been home he has ignore me, been all whiny and moping around, and has slept like at least 12 hours a day, and is just weird acting...

I cant help but wonder what the fuck is going on with him. I just dont understand why he is acting the way he is...he has a great life and makes a lot of money, yet is still unhappy. My life is in the toilet right now ( walking to work as a waiter in a shitty little diner ) yet I remain positive and upbeat even though there is no chance for any change any time soon...well fuck it, I cant be uplifting and shit all the time for someone who should not even need it...and can not return the favor at all. Hell, he cant even manage a kind word now and then...

I am facing problems with my family too. I wont go into it but I will say that I am very unhappy. My relationship with most of them is just as shaky as my relationship with R...and that is rocky at best.

Justin, out...of patience.

some things never change...

R has been out of town for business the last two weeks. While he has been gone, I have had this really weird vibe...which is never wrong.

He was unavailable for several hours at a time. Like, he didnt answer his phone and would call back hours later and say he was asleep. Which is very hard to believe bcs it is so unlike him.

I could tell he was acting weird yesterday when I picked him up. He was distant, quiet, and just acting strange. He acted like he could care less to see me or not. And, he had this really strange expression on his face.

The most incriminating thing is that he didnt even try to have sex with me last night. So, this morning, I checked his lap top. You know I found several things on it that should not be there. Like naked pics of himself, face pics of himself, and a pic of some strange man that I have never seen before. These were all saved to the desktop on his work lap top...which is very strange.

I should have known this would happen. I knew it would...my feelings are never wrong.

wonder what sorry ass explanations he will have this time...but he cant lie his way out of some strange mans naked pic being saved on his desktop...

Justin, fooled again

Dodger 11-09-08

The unthinkable happened today...

My beloved little sweetheart Dodger got killed by our neighbors dogs like my Brownie did last March. This time was much, much worse though. I happen to be out in the backyard this morning picking up trash and stuff. I heard a really loud yelp and turned around and only saw Cookie. I ran over to the fence and jumped up and saw Dodger in their yard. I jumped over the fence and their dogs ran off and my precious little sweetheart was lying there on the ground. He was still breathing and I could not get him back over the privacy fence without hurting him so I yelled for R to come outside and help. By the time he got out there and we got him over to our side he was gone. I was so devastated...I could not let him go. I carried him around forever wrapped up in a towel. I just could not bear the thought that he was gone. Now, I cant stand the thought that he is outside down in the cold ground all alone without me. I miss him so much already. I am so in shock that this shit happened again. I hate that I was outside right when it all happened but I could not do anything to help him bcs I didnt get to him in time. He layed there and died right in front of me just like Brownie and killed by the same dog too. Man, talk about a rough day.

The worst part is that L was here for it too. This was our weekend with him. He was in the house with R when it actually happened thankfully. He was very upset and cried a lot...just like we all did...especially when we buried him. It hurts so much to have lost another pet. This is my third in the last year or so. First was Andy...who I blogged about back in 2006. Then Brownie...we could not save him even though we took him immediately to the vet...but he still died in my arms. And now today, Dodger. I wish I had picked him up so he would not have died laying on the ground. I didnt know he would go so quickly. This is the saddest part to all that has happened to my lately. I saved him from a lady who had big dogs that picked on him and thought I was keeping him safe but it didnt happen that way. R had just fixed the fence last weekend so we had no idea there was a new hole...he had filled it in last weekend too.

The police came ( for the third time this month. ) And so did animal control. There is nothing they will really do since there is no city ordinance about dog on dog violence. We can sue them but that will most likely cost more than we will get in damages anyway. Overall, I dont care about getting money from them. I just want them to pay attention and keep up on the fence maintence. They said they would put their electric fence back up. I hope so bcs I am scared for Cookie to be out there. I would not be able to handle something happening to Cookie. He is my baby and he has always been... He usually wants little or nothing to do with anyone else but me. Daschaunds are like that. They pick one person and cling to them...or at least that is what I read online about them. I was that person to Brownie and Dodger too. I am the one that cares for their needs so it was natual they would choose me...plus I spent the most time with them.

So, to sum up. In the last couple weeks:
My house was broken into and all my jewelry was stolen...along with other things too.
My marriage almost collapsed and I got into a physical fight with R and the police came.
My marriage has been horrible since getting back together and I dont know if it can be saved.
My dog got murdered right in front of my eyes.

There is not much more I can handle right now...and am hoping for some peace and calmness...


Justin, sad.

So confused....still

Well, R and I are still together...for now anyway.

Things are strained to say the least. We are still fighting a lot. The weird part is that it is always the same fight over and over. Nothing much gets resolved. I am willing to admit my faults and realize what should be done to try to change but R refuses to acknowledge any wrong doing in everything. He just wants to turn everything around on me. I of course, force him to face reality and realize his faults and his part of the blame in whatever happens to be happening at that moment.

Our biggest issue is still sex. R's whole world revolves around sex and if he has it or not. I had been hopeful that as time went on that this problem would diminish some but it has not. And prolly wont ever. He just can not get past that mind set. I guess he spent too much time being a meth head and having tons of drugged up anonymous sex to come back from it. I, on the other hand could care less about having sex everyday. A couple or three times a week is plenty for me. I also refuse to be in a sex based relationship too. We have been together and lived together for over a year and that is long enough that we should not have to have a sex based relationship to remain close to each other. It is now and has always been our biggest issue. Well, that and trust.

So, what should I do now? Do I leave him? My brain tells me to...I caught him cheating again this week...I discovered naked pics of a dude in his email and it took him three days before he could be honest and admit how and why they were there...for the longest he insisted that he didnt know how they got there, who the dude was, and that he had not even seen them. I know it was bullshit bcs he always does this. He fucks up, I find out and confront him, he denies it as long as he can, but then finally comes clean when he cant lie anymore. He chatted with some dude on yahoo messanger ( alegedley ) but didnt meet him or fuck him. But he immediately took a shower when we got home from work the night on the date the pics were sent. He, in his mind does not think he did anything wrong...which means he will just keep doing it over and over.
Hell, this is prolly the 13th time this shit has happened anyway. I cant believe I fell for another fucking cheater. I just knew this time it would be different...bcs I chose a different kind of guy. But, I guess it does not matter what they look like, how old they are, or their lifestyle and job...all gay men are the same. At least the ones that I have met are....all lying cheaters. I really should have known this would happen bcs of the drugs and stuff but I thought that after a while all that would fade from his mind...like I said, wishful thinking, right?

How the fuck can I possibly stay with him and make it work? Each time I start to be nice and want to forgive and forget...he starts acting hateful. And stays hateful and silent for days. Then, I stay hateful and silent for days after him. Viscious cycle, but we cant seem to get past that either.
He has pushed me too far to want to be the bigger, better person. I simply dont care. I cant allow myself to get too emotionally involved when he might cheat or throw me out of his house again any day now. He does act as if he wants things to get better and stay together... but I cant help but wonder why. If he really loved me and really wanted to be with me, he would not be doing all these shitty things that he should have to make up for. I could never, ever cheat on someone that I loved. Never. I have cheated to get back at someone after they cheated on me...but that was years ago. And not since. I have not had any sort of anything with anyone since the day I met R. I meant it when I told him I loved him.

I just want my life to calm down and be peaceful...even if that means leaving R. If we cant work out our differences and be happy together, then we should not be miserable together....
I sometimes wonder if R does want to break it off with me but does not have the heart to tell me and that is why he could cheat. Or, maybe he is just a dog. Who really knows for sure? It's not like R can be counted on to really tell the truth. Man, there is just so much to get past. Like, last night when he left me in town and came home without me. I had to have a co-worker drive me home...and was humilitated about it too. He expected me to have sex with him after that too! Can you imagine? Needless to say, we didnt know a damn thing. I didnt even want to lay beside him I was so hurt and mad. He said he forgot...which was no defense at all. See, if he can forget me so easily on something as driving home, then he should have no problem forgetting me when he is having sex with someone else...God my life is so incredibly great.


Oh, and I hate my job too. It was torture every second.


Justin, absolutely fucking miserable.

I can not fucking believe it!

In the last couple weeks R and I have been thru a lot. Including a fist fight...pretty much my first ever...and I am 32...and it was with my husband. It was very weird and L was here for it too. I dont want to go into it right now...but we got back together. I moved back in his house and things seemed to be going alright. Oh yeah, he had the police come and make me move out of the house. He called them bcs he wanted me to leave immediately and I was not going without my things...anyway, the police let me get my things and no one pressed any charges. Things were getting back to normal when we suddenly got into it again. Over sex as always... We didnt have sex one night and he thought I had led him on all day ( I didnt ) so he was hurt and pissed. Well, we have been fighting a lot for the past couple days over the sex thing and have not really had all the way intercourse either...we did but he didnt get to finish the way he likes so to him it didnt count.

Well, today I get a very weird feeling. I call him at my last break and he freaks out. He kept saying " you want to come home now?" But then he insisted he was not at home. Weird for him to ask it like that if he was at work.... Well, he picks me up and is acting all strange like. He is saying his stomach hurts ( which I think is a cover story. ) We get home and he does not eat his dinner. He then takes a shower...which is very weird. I log into his yahoo email and find naked pics of a dude that were sent and read by Rodney at noon today. How the fuck did the guy get R's address? Why would he send them randomly today? If not asked to or something by R.
I just can not fucking believe I came back to him and his lying cheating ways. I am sure he will have some story and will stick to it to the end, but there is simply no explanation for how the pics got there other than the obvious. My main delima? Is that there is no way for me to confront him about the pics bcs I would have to tell him that I know his email password...which he will freak about...it does make me look kinda crazy but when your husband is a lying cheater you have to do whatever it takes...and he is kinda lazy to use the same password over and over on everything so it was not hard to figure out. So, what do I do? Stay with him and act like nothing is bothering me until I am better prepared to leave him? Do I confront him and have him turn everything around on me for opening his email? Damn, I am all kinds of confused.

I am fucked up about coming back to him and facing the reality that things will always be just the same...he will continue to do this and blame me for everything by saying that if I would take care of his needs he would not have to go elsewhere...is which absolutely stupid and a cop-out for not wanting to face his own despicable behavior. I cant believe I wasted over a year with who I thought was THE ONE only to find that he is just like all the rest...I guess I should have realized he would always be this way when he cheated last year and lied about it right to my face...over and over again he looked into my eyes and lied about it all the while knowing he got fucked by some stranger in California and then back here too including in our bedroom in our bed.
God, how could I have ignored those signs? Damn it....


Justin, single again...for the last fucking time.