New friends and boyfriend drama

Ok, let's get to it.

I am becoming good friends with a girl from work. She is really great and our personalities mesh really good together. We have a lot in common and I just love her. We have not really spent much time together but I do feel a good connection with her...and see us hanging out in the future. I am really looking forward to getting to know her better...even though we talk a lot at work and take our breaks together, there's still room for more bonding.

Boyfriend drama is at a minumum lately...well kind-of. George and I were supposed to hang out Friday night but it didnt really happen that way. In fact, I we didnt see each other at all. Why? Well, he didnt answer my call or return my message so I went to Kansas with my grams to see my nephew who broke his elbow. Poor little guy. He is only about nine months old ( he is my half black nephew that is so cute.) I felt so bad for him seeing him with a cast that goes all the way from his shoulder and even encloses his hand. Also my niece is really sick. She has been running a high fever and throwing up. Saturday afternoon at another of my nephews b-day party ( he is three now!!) I was holding Kiah and she threw up all over me. That's ok, it's happened before and is no big deal. My sister's and brother's kids mean so much to me that I didnt even blink an eye. She started to cry and wanted her mom so I simply changed my shirt and hoped she was ok...luckily my brother and I are about the same size so I just borrowed a shirt from him.

There was more drama too that I just cant bring myself to share right now but maybe sometime in the future I will.

Well, that's it for now...I will keep y'all posted on the "George" developements as they happen. Hopefully things will work out and we can live happily ever after :-)

Another wrench in my plans

George and I are getting along great. There's just one problem: he works at my Dr's office and they told him today it's against the rules to date patients. I was like "you're not the Dr!" But I guess it really doesnt matter. At this point I really dont know what will happen. All I do know is that if we cant be together bcs of this, I will be furious and consider changing my Doctor. I am so disappointed right now I just dont know what to do....

In other news, everything else is going pretty good. No new developements to speak of.

I will blog later when I have something more to say.

Much love everybody, Justin

I am kind-of blah

I have been critized for not doing enough posts, so here goes. I really dont have much to blog about today though.

My weekend was pretty uneventful. I went out to dinner on Friday but wished I had stayed home. It was quite awful. The food sucked and my date sucked even more. That will be the last time I let a friend set me up with "someone who is perfect for me." The perfect guy for me is not interested or if he is...he has a weird way of showing it. I am just about ready to give up on a relationship altogether. I guess I am just destined to be a slut forever. I know, that is shitty but I gots to get my physical needs met and since I cant seem to come up with a prospect for a boyfriend, the slut road is the only way to go. Poor me, right?

Then I just stayed home Sat and Sun bcs I have been having problems with my back again. I am just about ready to give up on that too. No boyfriend and always in pain...what a great life I have. Oh, if you have not noticed, this is another one of my "blue" posts. I cant help it...I blog how I feel. I cant and dont fake anything. It's just not me. I am how I am, who I am. And that's what you get. If this is uncool to you, then perhaps you should tune in tomorrow when hopefully I will be in a better state of mind. Or at least I hope I am. This back pain is starting to break my spirit. Well, that and one of my good friends, who I considered a good friend is still shutting me out. If your intention was to hurt me, then mission accomplished. I cherish my friends and like to think that we can work thru any problems that might come up.

I'm out y'all. I will try to be more upbeat in tomorrow's post.

Justin

WTF??

Ok, so my guy in Arkansas is still emailing me. I have responded but with caution. Why would he think I am the kind of guy he can blow off and then think I will still be interested. Perhaps he really was busy or whatever but, like I said before, it would have only taken a couple of minutes to type out a sentence or two. Even a quick and simple phone call would have worked. But, nothing. The bad part? I do still like him but feel like if I let him know that then he will continue this behavior into the future...which I will not tolerate if things do progress.

What should I do? Forgive? Blow him off? Hmm....I am just not sure.

Ok, so George is back from Florida but has yet to call me. I know, he must be tired and prolly had to return to work today but still. What's with men? Or is it me? Am I too demanding? Maybe I have to high of expectations out of people.

I will keep y'all posted on the developements of it all..however it plays out.

What, an email now?

After my post yesterday my Arkansas boyfriend sent me an email. Bizarre, right? Considering he doesnt read this blog. He doesnt even know the url...so I know for fact that he does not. Anyway, he claims to have been busy, I believe his words were " It has truly been a crazy week." Whatever, dude. I dont need him and now dont even want him. I am going to say it's too little, too late. I do still think about him but would never admit it. I miss having somene special and cant really see myself settling for a someone special that lives six hours away. I would like to see him one more time, so he can get a real good idea of exactly what he missed out on. I know, that sounds conceited but I am still angry and a tad bitter about it all. Hell, why shouldnt I be? I spent the better part of the weekend hanging with him and then he is too busy to call or send me an email for over a week...I dont think so.

gotta jet for now kiddies, more later.

Will it ever end?

So now that it's cold and rainy my back is hurting again. Not the cant-stand-up with pains shooting down my legs pain but pain none the less. I am hoping that it really isnt cold or rainy weather but rather something else. I cant imagine what it could be but I only have one physical therapy session left! I hope she can work her magic on me one more time...and that it will last. I hate the thought that it could just spring up on me at any time, I mean damn who can deal with that? It sucks, let me tell you.

Ok, now on to the man drama in my life....
I have not heard anything from my guy in Arkansas in about a week now. Oh well, it's his loss as I would have only strung him along and used for my amusement as I probably could not have stayed faithful to someone who lives six hours away. That, and he spends all of his time with young 18 or 19 year olds. Hello, dude! You're 39 so make some friends that you are not old enough to be their father. I know, getting older is not fun but having young friends does not make you young, ya Fool. I did like him but I am thinking it was only a slight physical attration and those fade so quickly so things are better off this way. I am sure Mackie had something to do with him not wanting to keep in tough with me. Oh well, if I find out that this is true, I will take action with some revenge...you all know that if you get on my bad side there will be reprecussions. I cant say what they will be but somehow I will come up with something.

As for George, I dont think things will ever be smooth between us. He is so inaccurate in reading me and my statements, moods, facial expressions, the whole bit. Then he is weird about so many things too. And so damn moody. I could really fall for him but I dont think I will let myself.

August? Well, things are nice with us right now. Of course we pretty much only email and then talk on the phone when I call him. He is the only person who is not in my family that got me a b-day present, which is sweet considering I have a lot of fam members who didnt get me a gift. I know, I know it's not about the gifts but his means a lot to me. Very touching. Now, if only we could get together in person and see if there is something there or not...besides the physical.

Glen? is now out of the picture. He has lied and pissed me off more than he should have. Revenge on him too. Only because he owes me money and refuses to pay me back. Hell, he wont even answer his phone or his door when I stopped by the other day. He will get his, if I dont get mine.

That's it but stay tuned for even more drama to come...

My Bad Day is here

This post will mostly just be a rant...

I woke up way late this am. While in the shower I had a coughing fit that was so bad, I ended up vomiting in the shower. So freakin gross. Of course I exited the shower quickly and went to another shower in the house. I will have to clean my shower after work. So, I get to work about 40 minutes late and my boss is all kinds of pissed off. He went off about how he relies on me and how I have cost us three hours of production time with my tardiness. Nevermind that I have a fever and still trying to get over this bad-ass cold that is so extreme with coughing fits that leave me breathless or even worse: cause me to vomit. Now that' s bad. I hope it goes away soon. I am ready to get back to my healthy vibrant self.

Ok, so what's the fucking deal with guys who play games. I have had it with these types. I, myself do not play games. I am very straight forward and expect the same. Of course, it doesnt always happen that way but I can hope, cant I? My newest dude that lives in Ar has become very distant and non-existent. I wonder what the hell his problem is? He was all about me four days ago but now, it's like he has fallen off the face of the earth. Oh well, he wasnt exactly for me anyway....most of you know that I have a very bad habit of trying to make something work that clearly will not. I guess I am so desperate for a boyfriend that I go to extreme measures trying to make it happen. Stupid me. When will I learn? Probably never but at least I am starting to recognize my down-falls. Perhaps someday I will find it within myself to realize that love will come to me and not to try to force a romance with someone who just wants me for sex...which is most often the case. Damn me for having such awesome skills. For real, I must say that I have had lots of practice in that dept and have become a great lay. I can usually tell instantly what it will take to make my partner hot for me, and provide them with a hot encounter. I should probably dial it down just a bit so they will want more than just the sex. When will I ever learn????

Ok, sorry for the pity-party-like post. Sometimes you just need to get it out. Thanks for reading and please stay tuned for more upbeat posts.

The trip was a blast

Ok, so even though I was sick, I still went on my trip. I am glad I did too. The drive was nice and calm...I enjoy car trips as long as it's just me and maybe one other person with some good music to listen to.

Mackie and I had a good time with each other. Well, at least we did until Sunday morning...more on that later. He was pretty nice about me having a cold but still insisted on dragging me all over the place Saturday afternoon when I just wanted to rest after my drive. I need to re-charge so I would have plenty of energy for the clubs. Of course once I showered and started to get ready my energy charged itself. I ended up looking pretty good, good enough that Mackie's cousin ( who is fuckin hot, hot, hot ) was interested in me. Needless to say, I am interested in him too. We spent the majority of the night hanging out with each other and flirting, holding hands, and making out a little too. Unfortunately I had way too many shots and ended up passing out in the car and didnt wake up until Sunday morning. Well, Mackie woke me up and insisted that we leavve immediately. Which did not sit well with me. I was tired, hung over, and felt just awful because I really should have not been out drinking while I was ill. Oh well, you only live once and you only get a chance to celebrate your 30th b-day out of town once!

Mackie's cousin is just the kind of guy I like. He is attractive (very!) smart, likes to laugh and have a good time, he dresses really nice, has lots of friends who adore him, and he seems to really like me...or at least I hope he likes me as much as I like him.

Mackie and I ended up having a huge argument Sunday morning and it will probably be a long, long time before we speak again. If ever. We have had big fights like this before but it feels different this time. I have forgiven him many times for different things and this time I am the one who needs to be forgiven. We'll just have to wait and see how things turn out....

Anyway, I made it home safe and sound. And with a new crush.

Much love, Justin

Finally leaving

The day has finally arrived! I will be leaving this afternoon for my trip. I have had a serious cold all week long but nothing can stop me from going. I will take it easy and continue to take my antibiotics and such. Which means no parties or anything but that's ok, partying isnt always that great any damn way. I am just looking forward to seeing my friends and getting away from home for a couple of days. It's been quite a while since I have taken any trips ( at least since last New Year's Eve ) and I didnt even leave the state-I just went to OKC. I did have a good time then and met a real cool guy, who I still chat with.

I will post another post when I return and fill all you guys in on my not-so-slutty adventures!

JH

My big trip is finally here

First, I want to start out with saying how much I hate it that I wasted my b-day post bitching about other people who are completely insignificant. With that said, let's move on to something worthwhile. :-)

My trip to Arkansas has finally arrived. I dont leave for a couple more days, but I am already feeling it. It has been forever since I have taken any sort of trip anywhere. I know Ar does not sound that exciting but for me, it will be. I used to live in Ft Smith, so I have lots of friends down there ( more potential readers!) Of course I will be staying with Mackie and we will be hitting the clubs all the way from Ft Smith to Fayetteville and Little Rock. I am really looking forward to this trip, and nothing can stop me now!

Look forward to some slutty posts after I return...

Hypocrites and idiots

Let me tell you how much I hate it when someone puts me down to others for something and then turns around and does the very same thing. Fuck them, to death. The nerve of them...I have decided that I am not taking anymore shit from anyone. I will come out swinging, so dont start something that you are not prepared to finish. Everyone who knows me knows that I am about the nicest guy, until you fuck with me. Then it's not pretty. That's all I will say and now to move past this unpleasantness.

So, Happy Birthday to me. I am now 30 and do not mind it at all. I feel it's a milestone and I am happy to have made it this far.

What the hell

Did you ever have one of those days where you should have just stayed home? That day was/is today for me...

Tons of drama, problems, and plain old shit at work today. We're talking all kinds of stupid, weirdo stuff here. It was one of the worst ever. I sometimes wonder why I stay. I suppose I am glutton for the punishment. Or perhaps I keep hoping things will get better...and they do but only for a short time. My job is one of those bizarre ones that a good day is really good, and then a bad day is a really fucking awful mess of a bad day. I worry about the character of a lot of the people who I work with...for real. They certainly scare me but not in the literal sense that I fear them. I can more than take care of myself, if it came down to it. Never lost a fight or been beat up except for my first boyfriend and he rushed me and knocked me down from behind. Hello, unexpected. Anyways, I dont think it would ever come to that here but I am just saying....


My b-day weekend plans are ruined. My guest isnt coming and my b=day party with my family is the only one I will have this year...what a way to turn thirty. I hate my b-day, I have never had a good one that I can recall. Something happens every year to mar the day. I think I might end up changing the date or just forgetting about it completely. Listen to me, going on and on with my sympathy for myself. How pathetic.

I am going to wrap this up, as it is my most blue post yet. I hope a day like this never happens again. But if it does I will be ready and not take the poor me approach....I will come out swinging. And that's a promise, bitches.

Gotta jet....

Anniversary

Today is my one year anniversary at my job!! Hell yeah, baby! I made it thru the first year. I have made some friends, a few almost enemies, and had lots of ups and downs. Lots of laughter too. Even with all the drama and day-to-day madness this really is one of the most fun, and better jobs I have ever had. It might not pay that much but there are other perks that make up for it. Like free health insurance ( with my back issues, it really helped, ) quarterly bonuses that can be pretty nice, and I live like 7 minutes away too. My boss is gay and that has been a plus too. I think he kinda paved the way for homos here. I have never had any problems at all. No comments, nothing. Which means a great deal to me because I have had some really shitty jobs before...never again though. I intend to stay at this one until they force me to leave.

I hope all you guys are as lucky as I am to have found a job that allows you to be yourself, no matter who or what you are. :-)

Good and Bad, all in one

I have had one of the weirdest weekends ever. First of all, I am now involved in another three way relationship. Yes, another. I know, I know I should have learned from the last one that ended in tragedy-not me, for the other two suckers who both fell for me and then tried to out-do each other to win me over. Hell, three way relationships sound like the way to go, right? Two instead of one trying to please! Oh, yeah. So, anyway...the date thing was ok, ended up being going home a littl early because I was so tired. Thursday night wore me out, but not like that.

Then on to grandpa's for Sat and Sun to take care of the race horses and dogs while he was in Branson. I hate his dogs, they are annoying and have no sense of right or wrong. The newest one likes to sleep under the pillow that you ( me ) are sleeping on. I had to wake up every 30 or 45 mins and move the stupid bastard out from underneath my head. Ugh!
But I did have a nice time being around the horses. I let my adventurous side get the best of me and rode one of them. Which was a huge mistake. First of all, if you have never been around race horses, they are not like other horses at all. Their temperment is not nearly as nice and they are very unruly. Which is not at all their fault, it's the nature of their lives. Unless you are a skilled, I mean skilled rider you should not even attempt to get on a race horse. Providing you find yourself in the company of one that will even let you put a regular saddle on it. TimeDancer usually is a pretty good sport about it...until I got on. Then she was all kinds of crazy. I had to rein the shit out her just to slow her down from a full-on run thru the pasture that has holes and such. That would have been all I needed-my grandpa to come home to her having a broken leg. He would have shit. But she finally relented and realized as long as I was aboard I was boss. Then we had a nice ride with the others following along. They were probably wondering what it's like to have a rider that doesnt expect you to run full speed the entire time and one that doesnt have a wip in his hands too. Poor babies, but then again that is the nature of their life. It's not pretty. Then my back pain kicked in. I had high hopes that it could withstand a little horseback riding but I guess my recovery is not as progressed as I thought. So, now I am all on the pills again and going back to pt Wed for hopefully my last session.

Well, that's it...for all of you who were wondering what I did with myself all weekend long and wasnt answering any phone calls. Much love to all my friends.

Almost 30!

My 30th b-day is quickly approaching. A lot of people are like 'oh, sorry.' But, I am not. I am looking forward to it, like it's an accomplishment. For those of you who really know me and my past, you all understand why. I wont even mind having to say I'm thirty either. Not exactly looking forward to that part, but it's ok. I will be having a bash to commemorate the occassion with my family that should be a blast. It will be just a small part of my week long celebration.
The festivities will start off with a visit from my guy in OKC, that I blogged about a while back, he will here for the weekend before my b-day. Then the family party, then a dinner out with friends, then going to Arkansas for the weekend to see Mackie, who will start to be younger than I am this year. I dont see any reason to lie about my age and he does. It's a tragedy, really. Why would someone feel like lying about your age is so important? It's ridiculous!! So petty and dumb. I feel like if someone will lie about something as unimportant as their age, what else will they lie about? Probably anything is my guess...

Back issue update: still going to physical therapy but really getting better.
I have drastically reduced the amount of pills I take each day. I used to take between 10 to 12 a day through out the day but now I only take them as needed. Sometimes I take 2 or 3, sometimes I go almost all day without needing one. I think it depends on the amount of activity I do or how much walking I do at work. All I know is that I am more than freakin ready to resume my whore-like lifestyle! Ok, so not whore-like but I am missing the dating scene. Also missing all my "see-them-once-a-month-boyfriends" but they have all agreed that I am worth waiting for and they are all anticipating when they will get to "see" me again. :)

much love everybody!

Almost back to normal

Physical therapy has worked for me. I was very hesitant to do it but now I am glad I did. I am religiously doing my stretches and exercises everyday, sometimes at work. I go do them on the conference room table so I dont have to do them on the floor. I have almost reached the end, only three more sessions left, including today. They have been totally worth the money.

Also, I finally broke it off with Tony. He took it ok, I am not exactly sure because I did it over the phone. I know, I know you guys are thinking that was cruel but it really was the only way. I had to because I first of all wanted to avoid an emotional scene. He acted like it was ok with him at first but quickly changed his tune. As soon as I heard his voice crack I had to hang up. He then proceeded to call me for the next three days wanting his movies back. I am thinking he is alright with it now-at least now he doesnt have to get a job, which was a stipulation for dating me. Well, it still is just not for him. Perhaps the next guy I am with will not be such a fixer upper! I would love to meet someone that has his act together, or at least partially. Oh well, at least I am not emotionally unavailable after all of it.

I will keep y'all posted on my up coming romantic adventures...which are going to be back in full swing before you can say " magnum sized condoms!"

Peace and Love, Justin

What the hell?

Why is it that people, who you thought were your friends, suddenly are not? Why is it that friendships come with stipulations? That you didnt even know were there.

Maybe I am too trusting or have too much faith in someone... that I am completely shocked when I realize they were like this all along. I am a caring person who tries to look for some "good" in everyone.

I just dont get it when someone turns on you for what seems like a completely insignificant situation that you didnt think was worthy of such a strong reaction...

This prolly doesnt make sense to most of you, but it will to someone.

Perhaps the fault is mine in believing in someone to have understanding that clearly isnt there.
Who knows, but in the future I will be sure to avoid making such a bad call in judgement.

I am still doing so much better with the back situation. I would say by the time my 30th b-day comes around I will be almost back to "normal."

much love to those of you who are the geniune, caring, and sincere people I believe you to be. :)

SO MUCH BETTER

Physical therapy, as it turns out has really helped. I mean tremendously. I was skeptical in the beginning but it has given me more relief than any of the $500,000 worth of prescribed narcotics I take each day. My therapist, Beth, has me do some stretches, exercises, and then she does a really cold spray stuff and stretches each of my back muscles using her hands and having me move into different positions. Wow, if only I had known about this weeks ago! Or even months...damn all that wasted time being in pain. And wasted money getting shots from the specialist and then the missed days at work recooping from the shots. I have only had three sessions with Beth so far and anticipate being "cured" by the eighth and final session. PT is so worth the insurance co-pay of $30. Hell, I would pay $50 knowing how well it's working for me. I do not like doing the stretches or exercises at home but I am going to start doing them more frequently now. I just dont feel like I am doing them correctly or perhaps it's bcs I am down on the floor doing them??? Not sure...all I know is that I am going to start making myself do them in the evenings at least.

Stay tuned for a post later that IS NOT back related!!!! Oh my gosh, I know...it's been so long since I have any thing else on my mind or in my life for that matter.

Results, finally

I went in today to hear the results of my mri...I have what's called trigger points. They are like balls of fire within a muscle. I have one on each side of my spine. They are so swollen and inflamed that they are caused my lower lumber discs #L1 and L2 to bulge. So freakin' painful that I hate to even move at this point. I am pushing forward though, I really have no other choice. I must work to maintain my job as my health insurance is thru my job. I would want to keep my job even if my insurance wasn't thru it. I am now going to physical therapy that my co-pay is $30 per session and I will end up doing either eight or nine sessions. I will have to morgage my house to pay all these medical bills and then log in extra hours on the topless dancing runway to pay my mortgage. :) I just hope my back gets better so I can resume my pole dancing side career. lol....

On another note: I am still with my worthless boyfriend who I have not seen in person in 5 weeks. He is so history as soon as I see him. But I just dont know when I will feel well enough to treck all the way over to his house. I am seriously considering an over the phone break up. But then I will still have to see him in person after that bcs I have a couple of his movies. That I am certain he wants back. Oh well, I will figure something out...eventually. He must suspect something is different, I mean we dont even talk everyday! Most of the time when he calls me I let it go to voice mail bcs I just cant deal with him whining about how much he misses me or how much he wants to see me. I just want to tell him " if you would drive, we wouldnt have this problem." Have I mentioned he doesnt drive? Yeah, he doesnt and doesnt plan on ever driving again. I am like whatever, I wouldnt let a couple of accidents keep me from driving. Waiting for a ride and stuff all the time would be like being in prison!! And who the hell wants that?

Well, friends, I will let y'all know how the physial therapy goes or if worse comes to worse: what hospital room to send the flowers too. :)

It's finally happening

Tonight I go in for my MRI. Then starting Wed I will go to physical therapy twice a week. I just hope it does some good for $30 a session. God knows how broke I am due to missing work and paying for expensive prescriptions. I am having a few "good days" though. But then the next day it's back to being in pain. Sucks hard core. Other than my almost constant misery, there's nothing new in my life. Still with the bf ( for now ) but still waiting for my moment to break it off in person. It's been over a month since I have seen him so I am sure he has some kind of hint that things just are not right. Or working for me.

Stay tuned for MRI results....