I still hate him

I just cant help it.

I have forgiven him but still can not forget it. I keep having these horrible thoughts about him and other men...bcs I know it was more than one.

Maybe it's not justs that he cheated. Maybe its not that he repeatedly lied about it right to my face. Maybe it's not that he planned to do it, which I really think he did. It's really that he went so far with it. He didnt just fool around with someone, he went all the way. Really, he let some other man do the most intimate thing possible. He wanted some other man to...and it is killing me.

I could never allow someone else to do anything sexual to me when I am with someone I love. Much less, plan to, and then go out and do it. I really think he planned to fool around while he was gone and didnt think I would suspect anything, much less find out about it. I think that's worst part about it for him, that he got caught. How could he possibly think so little of me to do something like that. How can I possibly forget about it and move on?

Now I am faced with doubts that it will happen again. Remember not too long ago I thought he was cheating? I am now wondering if I wasnt right about that too? Just bcs he denied it doesnt mean it didnt happen. I just couldnt find any proof that time.

I just cant get past the fact that he could have sex with me and then less than 24hrs later be having sex with some random stranger who lives across the country and that he will never see again. How could he risk our relationship for something that was so "meaningless?"
And the fact that he continued having sex with / or trying to have sex with other men right until the moment I got out? That one is hard to take too. He was out doing drugs and doing who knows what with who knows who. Yep, he was online looking for dick the very same day I was getting out...who knows, he was prolly looking for dick when I called him to come get me. Or, he could have even been on his way to fuck someone for all I know. I wonder if he was already with someone or arranging something for later if I didnt get out. I am sure he was...

How am I going to get past all this? I really thought I was doing a good job with it and then yesterday I started having all these thoughts and doubts all over again. It sucks. I hope I can get past all this soon bcs it's tearing me up. It's making me want to leave R for good. I cant stay with him if I cant get over all this. It's causing me to resent him...which is not good.


Still confused. Still scared and worried. Still trying to be hopefull but it's getting hard...
Justin

Getting back to normal ?

Things seem to be ok between R and I . We spent the entire weekend at home just us and did nothing but lay in bed and reconnect. It was pretty nice. I have pretty much forgiven him and now I only have a little part in the back of my mind that's still wondering...

I do love him and think being with him is my best chance to be happy. I just wish this whole ordeal had not happened. I am really deep down having a hard time accepting it. I have these thoughts of him with another man or see the words he typed out seeking sex from other men. I still dont believe that there was only one man over the entire ten days. I am thinking it was closer to 5 or so. That's about one per day while he was in San Fran...I just will never believe that with all the gay dudes there and as hard as he tried he was only able to make it happen just one time with one man. I will also never believe that he was unable to make something happen with someone after he came back home. I will always believe that he had someone over and had sex here, in what was supposedly our bedroom and our bed. There was too much evidence left for me to see. Which is another thing...it's like he wanted me to catch him. He told me a tiny bit to make me suspicious and didnt even bother to cover his tracks. He left all the emails on his comp., left all the calls and texts on his phone, left a receipt for the theater at the midtown bookstore, I mean really, if you are going to be scandalous you should be smart about it. And he wasnt.

I also hate the financial strain all this has caused. I think he spent a lot more on drugs than he is admitting too and now he is trying to recover. Maybe not though...again, I might never really know the truth. Which is hard for me to accept. I hate not knowing. I hate that he is willing to spend the rest of our lives together with secrets and lies hanging over us. I can deal with the cheating ( multiple times or not ) because I know about it. It's out in the open for us to deal with. It's all the things he is still lying about and keeping secret that is bugging me. How can he look me in the eye and respect our relationship while doing so? I know I couldnt do it. The guilt would weigh me down heavily. I would have to tell. Doesnt he know I dont care? Doesnt he realize I can forgive him anything now? Well, accept cheating again. I made it very clear that I will leave him if he does it again. After all we have dealt with recently, there is nothing he can TELL me that we can not work thru. It might not be pleasant but it would be better ( and healthier ) for our relationship if he would give me the truth, the whole truth, and the rest of his "story" so we can deal with it now and completely move on. Otherwise, it will always be there hanging over us and our happiness. I think we will be happy together but not completely. I dont think you can without honesty and trust. Right now, I dont think he has either...what is he hiding that could possibly be worse than what he's already done? He should have more faith in me...


gotta go, I am tired of "talking" about this shit
Justin the skeptical

Why does everything have to be so hard???

I have forgiven R and we are moving on but I am having some issues and difficulties forgetting.

Maybe it's bcs he keeps bringing it up. Maybe it's bcs I dont think I can trust him. Maybe it's bcs I still cant get the thought of him with other dudes out of my head. Maybe it's bcs I still have hatred for him...I cant help it. Maybe it's bcs he annoys the shit out of me. I just dont know...

I am still having doubts as to his loyalty. I just cant help but wonder if he will do it again. Part of me wants to believe that he wont but the other part thinks he will. It's bcs he still wont be completely honest with me about everything...or at least I dont think he is. I guess I just have to accept the fact that I will prolly never know. Oh, yesterday I looked thru his phone again. I found where he sent a text message to someone saying " I cant bf home." I dont know what the text he received said but that was R's response. It's like he would have done whatever, but didnt just bcs I was home. Not bcs he didnt want to, or bcs he shouldn't but just bcs I was home. Hmm...that one has really gotten under my skin. What if I am not always around to prevent him from doing something stupid. Will he ever be able be stroing enough to say no without me being right in front of him? Will I ever be able to set aside my suspicions and move forward without feeling this way? Will my hatred ever fade away completely? How, oh how can I really allow myself to open up and have the kind of relationship I deserve? I think it might be too late. I guess only time will tell for sure.

I promise there will be some more lighthearted posts coming in the future. I promise. Even if I have to break it off with R and leave town...I will once again be happy and let it show here on my blog.


Much Luv,
Justin the husband hater

I think I love my husband again

I know it sounds weird but I just cant help it.

Am I crazy? Should I have held out longer before letting things "be back to normal?" Hmm...

We had sex three times within 24hrs yesterday. It was the first time we had ever done anything like that. I am not sure why it happened...especially considering that I initiated it the last couple of times. Maybe I was trying to let him know how hot sexual I can be if needed. Perhaps so he wont go looking elsewhere for it again? I just dont know. And I am not trying to figure it all out right now. It's a little late for second guessing now...there's no turning back now.

Gotta jet for now. Thanks to all those still reading, I know things have been a lot different lately and hope future posts can be more lighthearted and fun. :)


Much Luv,
Justin

Made it thru the rain

I have picked up the pieces and decided to stay with R. That's right, I am giving him another chance. I dont really want to go into it too much right now...he's right beside me but will give more deets as to why later.

Also, I have changed to the title of the page. Now it's kind of a pun. You know, because my name is Justin...

Gotta jet for now but will do a more detailed and thorough post later.

much luv,
Justin

painful days

I am having even more difficulties.

I gave in tonight and had sex with R. I shouldnt have. Now I feel completely fucking gross. Dirty and gross. How could I have after everything? I dont know why I did it either. R was starting to kiss my back and stuff and I wanted to stop him but then I didnt. I hate myself for allowing myself to have sex with him. And so soon too. What the fuck was I thinking? Wow.

I was in such shock when I discovered all those emails asking dudes to come have sex with him in R's computer that I didnt really digest all of them right then. I was so shocked to actually find an email confirming my suspicions that I blocked all of the others out. There were several emails from dudes confirming that they were on their way or almost there but I didnt even bring those up. I wonder exactly how many guys he really did have sex with...I will prolly never really know the whole truth. I just wish he would completely come clean with me. It's not like anything more would make things worse. He will only admit to having sex with just the one guy bcs thats all the " proof " I showed him I found. That one was enough. The guy thanking R for the sex. Saying they should flip flop the next time. R responded " it's my turn to pound you next time.' That tells me that the guy had already "pounded" R. He even used that word tonight while we were doing it. So creepy...

Also, I cant stop thinking about an email that R sent someone after he was already back in Tulsa. It was a response to someone asking him what he was doing or wanted to do. The response? "sitting here wanting to be used." R was offering to let someone use him. He wanted someone to come over and use him. That fucking kills me that he wanted that. That we was trying very hard to make it happen. The best part? This was the night before he knew I was coming home. Oh, and the time with the guy from above, well it took place the day he left. He cheated on me as soon as he got there. We werent even apart for 24 hrs before he was getting fucked by some other man. And then were going to be back together in 24 hrs when he offered to let someone "use" him. That is so fucking gross I cant even stand it. It totally makes me sick to my stomach. Oh, and I havent eaten hardly anything in three days too. I am so jacked up that I cant eat or sleep. I hate him so much for making me feel this way. I just can not seem to understand how he could do it. At least not if he loves me. And definitely not if he really loves me the way he says he does. I just cant hardly believe this has happened.

And now, after going thru all this in the last couple days but not really been around each other that much we get to spend the next three days together bcs tomorrow is the day after Thanksgiving. All of a sudden I cant stand the thought of even being in the same room with him. It is so painful for me. How am I ever going to get past it? No, seriously, tell me how bcs I have no clue. I hope I didnt give R false hope by doing it. Even after he ripped my heart out thru my throat, I dont want to see him get hurt. I would never want to hurt him...he is so fragile. Why the hell do I even care? Why do I still love him? Especially when I know I shouldnt. I know it. I am being so stupid for thinking anything will change. Maybe it will, for a while but I feel it in my heart that eventually he will do it again. You know, once a cheater always a cheater. Also, I did some research online about cheaters. R displays an alarmingly high chance of cheating again. He classified as a "multiple cheater." He has all the characteristics. Like, he wouldnt admit what he did. To me or himself...which in his mind becomes that it didnt happen. Also, he didnt come to me to talk about it or try to work it out. I had to force him to talk to me. He gets mysterious phone calls a lot that he doesnt answer. There were more too but I cant remember bcs it's two am and I have been up for nearly a day without sleeping much. Again.

Something else has occurred to me. The day before he left, he had to make a sudden and suspicious early morning trip out to his parents' house. He got up all early and went out there. And didnt try to get me to go with him. I thought maybe he was borrowing money and was embarrassed or something. When I really think about it, I think he went into Tulsa to buy drugs to take on his trip. It makes sense because all evening Sat he talked non stop about drugs. Then he told me during out argument that he had bought drugs to take with him. Then said he didnt, that by saying that he purposely bought drugs to take makes him seem like he was planning to have a bunch of random sexual encounters. Which I think he did. I really think he planned to do everything he did. Another reason? In one of his emails to someone while he was in San Fran mentioned he was fucked up and wanting to get fucked. The only time R likes that is when he's on meth. And, if he really wasnt on it, and get fucked while sober, that is messed up too. He really did a number on me, didnt he? I cant believe he schemed so hard to deceive me. He got carried away and got to complicated, so there's no way he could have kept it a secret. And if he would have? Well, it's nice to think that I could have gone thru the rest of my life with someone he was being a deceptive lying cheater. Because that's exactly what he is.

I hate him so much right now.
Justin...pretty much single again.

It's Thanksgiving...

and I am miserable. I spent the day with my family but didnt really enjoy myself bcs of all that's going on. I cried all day long. It kinda freaked my family out but I simply couldnt help it.

I now officially know that R did cheat on me. I snooped thru his computer and found all the emails he exchanged with dudes trying to hook up with them. Nice, right? He was not even concerned enough to try to cover his tracks. It's like he wanted me to find out. He has completely ruined our entire relationship. I cant possible imagine how it will ever recover.

It's not enough that he cheated ( in the worst and most intimate, personal way...he got fucked by a complete stranger ) but then lied to my face for two days about it. I had the computer up and read the email to him before he would admit it.

How can I get past all the hatred I have for him now? How can I put all this behind me and move on without seeming like a pushover? I feel like if I stay with him and move on it will make me out to be a door mat. And practically give him license to do it again. And I truly believe if he has an opportunity, he will cheat again. How can I ever learn to trust him again?

What is it about me that makes this keep happening to me? Ever person I have ever loved or given my heart to has done this. It's a vicious and rough cycle that I feel I should break now. If I do leave him, I will be single for the rest of my life. After this, I will never be able to love again. I will never be able to open up and give my heart to someone ever again.

What should I do? How can I carry on?

Lost, alone, struggling, and heart broken
Justin

Really struggling

I am having such a hard time dealing with my hurt feelings toward R. I am so hurt and was blindsided so hard by his cheating that I just dont feel the same love towards him anymore.

I am really struggling with it. I do love him but dont think I will ever be able to trust him again.
I am still in shock over all of it. I just cant believe he did it. I have never been so heartbroken in my life. I am at such a low right now. I truly feel like my spirit has been broken.

R is not doing so well with it either. He just wants things to be like they used to. I am trying to get him to understand that it will take time. I just cant immediately go back into the "all happy and lovey dovey" that we were before this happened.

He is still denying it too. He said " I cant believe I almost lost the best thing that ever happened to me, over something that didnt even happen...or happen the way you think it did. " I was like excuse me? The evidence is too damning not to be accurate. Like I said before: I will never be convinced that he didnt cheat. So, now it is official: every single boyfriend I have ever had has cheated on me.

Life is great, isnt it?

Justin out...

Let's catch up

Get ready for a shocker.

I spent the last ten days in jail. I got stopped taking R to the airport early Sun morning Nov 11th. I had a warrant for an old ticket I never paid. Was taken to jail bcs my license was expired. Who knew?

Anyways, ten long very rough days in jail. The county jail. It wasnt completely bad as it could have been much, much worse.

The best part? When I get out I find out R has spent the last two days doing drugs and hooking up with other guys. He denies it but there is too much proof for me to believe him.

On the way home he tells me he has done drugs and has been online chatting with people but never did anything with anyone. Well after we get home he gets into the shower so I go thru his phone. I discover he has called several old tricks and has exchanged text messages with tricks too. Texts confirming he was going to hook up with people. One of the texts from a guy asked if they could hook up and fuck. R's answer was "you got it." He also went out to the bar one night too. I think he brought someone home with him or had someone come over. The comforter was pulled off the bed and there was lube out on the bed. The comforter has not been pulled off the bed since the first weekend I met him when we were doing drugs together and he had been having dudes over...dont want to ruin the comforter now. Also when sorting out the laundry I found a receipt for him going to the bookstore and going into the theater. There's only one reason guys go into that theater. It's dark and there's a huge screen playing porn. R says no one was there and that he didnt do anything. If he didnt do anything it's only bcs there really wasnt anyone there. But even if he didnt, he still tried really hard to do something and that is just as bad as actually doing something.

So, between talking and texting on the phone, the internet, the bar, and the theater in the book store he really expects me to believe he didnt do anything with anybody. While he was on meth. Yeah, right. I am not stupid. He says he tried all those things but never did find anybody to do anything with. But he sure tried real hard too. I will never believe that he didnt have sex with anyone else. Just the fact that he tried so hard hurts me just as much as if he would have followed thru...which I firmly believe he did.

So, here I am pretty much forced to stay with a lying drug addicted cheater. If I had anyplace to go, I would leave him immediately. But, I have no choice but to stay.

So, how bout that? Jail time, unfaithful husband...what a great time in my life this is.

Justin out

Date night

Last night R and I went to a TU basketball game. Then out to dinner. The whole evening was very nice.

The company he works for gets season tickets for Tulsa University basketball games so we decided to go last night. We sat next to some people he works with and they were very nice. We had dinner at Tally's, which is R's favorite restaurant. It's pretty good considering it's like a greasy spoon diner type place.

R and I are getting along great. He has loosened up some and is not so intense all the time now. He is no longer telling me he loves me every two seconds too. I really think we could settle into a great and long lasting relationship. I am just hoping to find a job soon that is not standing in our way.
Well, I wouldnt say standing in our way but it is starting to become an issue. I guess eight weeks is a long time without a job.

Anyway, gotta run for now.

Muc Luv,
Justin

Another Sunday morning family breakfast

I just finished up making and then eating breakfast with R and L. We had three berry pancakes.

Ok, I need to admit something. I am really starting to like my new step son L. He is witty, smart, and cute as a button. I could really get attached to him. R keeps telling me not to let him bond with me if I dont intend to stick around...how rude is that shit? He says I can hurt him but not his son.
I have no intention of hurting either one. I love R and I am beginning to love L too. I normally am not into kids that are not in my family but it's different with L, as he's my husband's son...which kinda makes him mine too. I am even starting to look forward to his visits here with us. Another admission...I have had fantasies about how our lives would be if L came to live with us. I really think I would love it if he did but doubt it will ever happen. It would be so nice though...we would be such a happy family as I would see to it that.

In other news...well, there is no other news right now.

Much Luv,
Justin the wonderful & fantastic step mom

Afternoon ramblings

I am hanging out here at home today. R went back into Okc with L for a football game. Kinda crazy if you ask me...to drive 2hrs there and 2hrs back for a game that only lasts one hr. I would do it for my son if needed so I dont even give it a second thought that R did it. I would think badly of him if he didnt.

Anyway... I have decided not be so hard on R. I have expected a lot from him lately. Damn near perfection. It's hard to achieve for anyone. He is scatter-brained and sometimes inconsiderate but I dont exactly communicate well either. I should be more forthcoming with what I am thinking or needing and not expecting him to guess at it. And then punish him severely if he gets it wrong...or just doesnt get it at all.


Relationships are so fucking hard. I have not had a really serious one in so long that I had forgotten. I suppose it's worth it if the one you are with is actually The One. But, how do you know for sure if they are? No, really I need to know. I feel like I am at the part of my relationship with R that it's too late to turn back. But, I still have doubts. I simply cant help it. I do love him but we have had so many issues lately that it's starting to seem more trouble than it's worth. Wait, that was unfair. I wouldnt want R to feel that way, so it's really unfair of me to think it and very unfair of me to publish it too. He doesnt read this anymore, as it's my diary and all. What's the point of having a "spill your heart out kind-of blog" if you are just going to let your husband read it?

Ok, I feel like I have rambled on enough for now. I just cant help it. This blog, for me, is like my outlet. I type whats happening in my life, my feelings, and secrets so: when I sit down to type I start thinking about what all has happened since my last post and that's what you get. Sometimes, it's all about R, sometimes it's good news, and sometimes it's just a bitching rant. :)


MUCH LUV
Justin

Waiting around...

I am sitting here waiting for my husband ( yes, it's still R ) to bring me some breakfast. He and L went to get donuts but that was like and hr and a half ago. Hmm. R is so inconsiderate sometimes. Unless you are right in front of him, he wont give you a second thought. I mean, come on, it's almost noon and I have not eaten anything today yet. Why? Because there's not a damn thing in the house to eat. He has been too busy to shop for food the last couple days. Is there anything less important to him than taking care of me? I guess not...

R worked it last night so L would fall asleep on the couch so I could sleep with him ( mostly bcs he wanted sex. ) This morning L woke up before we did and came into R's room. R almost immediately kicked me out of the bed and out of the room. Seriously, he said to L "come get in bed with me, and Justin can go lay on the couch." Excuse me? I am the one still trying to sleep, why do I have to be the one to get out of bed? And then he nudged me out of the bed with his hips. Sometimes I want to slap him...

Oh, I wonder how he's going to react when I tell him I am going to spend the week with M is Ar while he is gone to San Francisco. Hmm. I am going to stay with M bcs I dont want to be trapped out here in the middle of no where for five days. No car or food in the house...no thanks.

At this point I dont really know for sure if R and I will make it. I would like to think we will but I really need to be with someone who isnt so damn scatter-brained. I mean more considerate. Also, me being cast aside so quickly and completely every other weekend ( while L, the son is here ) is a bit hard to take too. I expected it a little but damn, it's like I dont even exist. The son is nicer and more considerate to me than R.

I just dont know...there are so many issues and obstacles in our way.
Justin the confused about his relationship

Update

This week has been quite interesting to say the least...

After my big blowout with R on Tuesday we decided to blow off some steam by going out on Wednesday...which was also Halloween. We went to about three different gay bars here in good old Tulsa, Ok and had ourselves a pretty decent time. I actually drank a couple more beers than I intended to. Calm down, I only had six total. Binge drinking is acceptable if you only do it a few times per year, like I do :)

Anyway, we ran into one of my former boyfriends, Joseph. It was nice to see him but I felt nothing. No desire to take him back. I only need to have my heart ripped out by someone once to learn my lesson. After seeing Joseph at one bar we went to another, Renegades. I spent a lot of time there after I first moved here back have spent very little time there in the last three or four years. A nice time was had by both of us. We watched a little of the show and chatted with some of my old friends.

Then on Thursday we had another rough patch. I wont go into the specifics of our personal life here ( it was partially my fault that's why I wont give details. ) It was so bad that we didnt have time to work things out and make up before he had to go to work on Friday morning that he had to come home during lunch!!! Not good, right?
We did make up and I have faith things will work out just fine...


In other news, my step son is here for the weekend again. It seems like only yesterday he was here. It is amazing how quickly time passes...getting off topic so let me re-group & re-focus.
He is only here every two weeks. Oh, he has a football game in Okc ( where he lives with his mom ) tomorrow and then goes home on Sunday afternoon. So, he wont actually be here at the house very much at all this time. Didnt get here until almost 10pm tonight, gone for the majority of the day tomorrow and then leaving for home Sunday afternoon. I actually dont dislike the kid like I do most kids. Well, ok, I only dislike kids I dont know. Like strangers kids. They make me uncomfortable. Once I get to know them it's ok. I am kind-of little, by little, getting to know "L." That's my step son's name L. Husband's name is R and his son's name is L...just a little reminder for y'all there.

Anyway, it's midnight and L is finally winding down so I better go for now.

Much Luv y'all.
Oh, remember me asking you guys to pray for me and my husband? This time I need everyones support for me finding a job. I desperately need one and am starting to lose faith. I have applied to at least ten places here and have had no luck. None. Anywhere.

Justin ( still coupled up ) juglover

Things worked out?

I think I have worked things out with R. I really dont think he has cheated on me. Well, ok, I am still a little skeptical about it all but have decided to give him the benefit of the doubt. It's really the least I can do. He had an issue with me and extended me the same courtesy, even though the evidence against me was just as damning as the evidence against him cheating was.

I just hope things work out for us...


Alright y'all...join hands in prayer for R and me. It's kinda looking like we can use all the help we can get.


much luv,
the suspicious but still married jug lover

Hold onto your seats...

I think R is cheating on me. Not good, right?

I dont know for sure and have no proof but when I have this feeling it's never wrong.

I have a couple reasons why I feel this way. Here goes...

1. I woke in the middle of the night about a week ago and found him online on a gay hook up site. He swore he wasnt doing anything wrong and wasnt trying to hook up with anyone. I had my doubts bcs when we first got together he told me he has no reason to onto those sites other than to pick up dudes. He said that if he wanted to talk to anyone ( friends ) from one of those sites that he could just call them.

2. After that ( like within the next couple of days ) he kept getting a lot of phone calls that he didnt answer. And also didnt mention who was calling. Oh, he is still getting calls from "unknown" callers that he doesnt answer.

3. He calls me earlier today to tell me that he received a voice message from an old trick asking him if he wanted some dick or some ass. Why in the hell would he tell me something like that? Unless: he intended to hook up with the dude and was absolving his guilt by telling me about the call. Or, he wanted to make me jealous. Well, all it did was make me even more suspicious that he was up to something.

The weirdest part is that his lunch hour is almost up and he has yet to call me...which he always does, everyday, without exception. Wonder what he is doing...or who.


Also, he let is slip yesterday that he has talked to his ex recently. Does he think I am so dumb that I wouldnt pick up on something like that? Does he think I dont pay attention to what he says? ???

The most damning evidence is that he is constantly worried about me cheating. Dont cheaters usually suspect others when they are doing something wrong? He is non stop accusing me of doing stuff. Well, not so much in the last couple weeks. But, that's only bcs I am always here, out in the middle of no where, all alone.

I just dont know what to do or what to think. I really like this guy and want things to work out but it's not looking good. Am I too suspicious? I am too insecure and should be more confident? What the fuck y'all...???
The worst part is that I cant really talk to him about it. Or, at least I dont feel like I can...


I am so lost and confused. I just dont know what to do. I am very dependent on him right now bcs I live in his house. And dont have a job right now either.

What should I do?

Confused, Suspicious, Lost, Alone, Suffering
Justin

Nothing exciting to report

My weekend with R went pretty good. We went to OKC on Saturday to my step son's football game. We left here about 2pm and get home around 11pm...we made a whole day of it even though the game only lasted about an hour. R showed me where he used to work and also where he used to live. It was a nice day outing.

Then we just hung out at home on Sunday...nothing exciting. Excitement is not really needed though.

Today he came home from work at noon. He has an eye infection and seems to be getting a cold. I babied him and gave him some antibiotics and stuff. I also went today and turned in some more applications. Hopefully I will get a job soon. It has to be real soon...I am dying here without making any money. Pray me y'all. Surely someone will have something to offer me soon.

Like I said before, I have nothing exciting to report. Just ordinary day-to-day living here. Although, it is nice to share my day-to-days with...


much love,
Justin the jug lover supreme

another week...

has gone by. I still have not heard anything back about any job applications I turned in. I am starting to get a little nervous about it too. I hope I hear something about one of them soon. R and I will be going to turn in and collect some more apps this weekend.

Things are going ok between R and I. It's starting to seem like we have a couple of good days and then one or two weird days. Nothing serious enough to cause problems for us though. I think our biggest problem is that he wants so much of my attention. I mean constantly. Or, maybe it's just me being too guarded. Who knows? I do think we will be together for a while but it's still a little soon to forecast just how long we might make it. Forever? Six months? Who knows...?
Today is our six week anniversary by the way.

This week has gone by so fast. The days just fly by. It barely seems like it's been four hrs since R left for work and he's calling to say he's on his way home! I can recall everything I have done during the day but it seems like the hours escape me, like they pass by without me even noticing. More weirdness I guess...

There has been some interesting events that occurred this week but I just dont feel like sharing them right now but stay posted, y'all.


Much Luv,
Justin

Sunday morning family breakfast

I just finished up an all American family breakfast. With my husband and stepson. That's right, I said stepson. I of course, cooked the breakfast. I made bacon, eggs, biscuits & gravy and my husband made hash browns. It was really quite nice. R did make some comment about us being the all American family ( I would be the mom. ) :) So, there we were mom, dad, and son sitting in our house in the suburbs eating Sunday morning breakfast. How picturesque can we get???

I could really get used to being a step mom. I wouldnt do it for just any kid, you know. R's son is really smart, witty, and very likable. As a matter of fact, I do like him.

I think things are going to work out just fine for us...


Much Luv
Justin the jug-a-licous step mom

things are looking up

After the two dreary posts I did earlier today, I thought a more positive and up-beat post was in order.

My interview went well. Hopefully I will begin working soon. If not there, then somewhere.

Things are going ok between R and myself. I spent a couple hrs with my family and during that time I think both of us calmed down. I was so pissed and hurt and uncomfortable before I left but not really sure what his problem was. I didnt really ask. I was too mad to care. It's kinda rude of me to act like that but whenever I got like that I cant force myself to be nice. Oh well, it's past us now so I wont be giving it another thought.

It was so nice to see my family. Mom, Sister, Grams, my Niece and myself all hung out for a couple of hours this afternoon after my interview. So great to be with all of them again. I wanted to spend some time with them today to give R and his son some time alone without me being around...and it all worked out perfectly. I am pleased that things worked out even better that what I had hoped for. I am so happy about it too.

R was just in here talking to me as I was typing. He was talking about how insecure he is. He said " I cant go around feeling this insecure all the time." What??? I didnt really get it at first. Why would he say such a thing like that to me? I cant help that he is insecure. I have done nothing to make him feel like that. He is constantly worried that I am going to leave him. Constantly. I mean, talks about it daily. Why is he so worried? Why is he so paranoid about it? I just dont get it... All I know is that I like a strong, confident, and secure man.


JUSTIN