In all the great things that have happened to me lately they have all been overshadowed by the weight of losing my dog Cookie. He has not passed away yet but he has received a grim diagnosis. He has a disc issue right in the center of his backbone. We are currently, and unsuccessfully treating him with steroids and pain meds but he is only getting worse. There is a surgical alternative but its almost 4000 dollars. I actually do have the money but it could be a waste as the surgery is not a guarantee.
This is so hard...it will be the fourth dog I have buried in five yrs. Whoever said losing a loved one is better than never loving at all obviously didnt have a dog.
The hardest part is that while I am many different things to many different people, I am the most important to Cookie. He is the only one in my life who doesnt put someone else before me and I will miss him terribly.
Justin, deeply saddened
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Saturday, February 05, 2011
so far this year...
Well, I did get back together with R...as we all knew that i would. :)
Job is going great...I make $200 more a wk with the new owners. :)
New car is still great. :)
Family is all healthy and happy. :)
All in all I would say most things are pretty good.
longer posts to come...
Justin, content
Job is going great...I make $200 more a wk with the new owners. :)
New car is still great. :)
Family is all healthy and happy. :)
All in all I would say most things are pretty good.
longer posts to come...
Justin, content
Monday, November 08, 2010
another new beginning
Well, I am one month into my new single life. I finally left R...for the last time. I swore to myself that if I had to move out of his house one more time that I would never go back. So thats what I have done.
I dont hate my new life either. The luxuries of living with R were hard to give up but once all the shock of it passed things are not so bad. I did consider going back for a couple days but just couldnt do it this time. I pretty much hate him. Actually, I am just very angry...for taking my life and forcing me to change my life. I now kinda think he did me a favor. There are so many possibilities for me now...
I have promised M that I would move off to Ar with him but I am not 100% convinced its the right thing to do. Not sure why but I am a bit nervous about it...nervous to give up my life and move away. I am ready and know that I can do what I need to do to survive but damn, I have grown so comfortable in my life here that its tough for me. Mostly I am referring to my job here but my family is here too...not that I couldnt come visit them often.
And then theres my health care...although M gets much better care there than I do here...it is something for me to think about. Gosh, I just hate the unknown...bcs my imagination runs wild with all the different things that could happen...good and bad.
All in all life after R is not too bad. I just hope things stay this way...
Justin, nervous but excited too
I dont hate my new life either. The luxuries of living with R were hard to give up but once all the shock of it passed things are not so bad. I did consider going back for a couple days but just couldnt do it this time. I pretty much hate him. Actually, I am just very angry...for taking my life and forcing me to change my life. I now kinda think he did me a favor. There are so many possibilities for me now...
I have promised M that I would move off to Ar with him but I am not 100% convinced its the right thing to do. Not sure why but I am a bit nervous about it...nervous to give up my life and move away. I am ready and know that I can do what I need to do to survive but damn, I have grown so comfortable in my life here that its tough for me. Mostly I am referring to my job here but my family is here too...not that I couldnt come visit them often.
And then theres my health care...although M gets much better care there than I do here...it is something for me to think about. Gosh, I just hate the unknown...bcs my imagination runs wild with all the different things that could happen...good and bad.
All in all life after R is not too bad. I just hope things stay this way...
Justin, nervous but excited too
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
milestones
Today, Wed Sept 15th has turned out to be two different ( one unexpected ) milestones...
Today is my third yr anniversary with R. I am happy with him and hope to spend the rest of my life with him...but things are strained with us. We had a fight this morning on our special day. I dont know if I was being overly suspicious of him bcs of the past or if he really is up to something. He would never, ever be honest if I pressed the issue anyway...he never comes clean unless I have solid evidence in his face. He is actually a good liar, which is not a good quality in a husband...
There is so many positive aspects to focus on and so much to be thankful for that I am now refusing to waste any time or energy on unnecessary bullshit...
The surprise today was the money from my grandma Jewel arrived in my acct today. I received a little over 5k from her estate...not a large or life-changing amount but I am thankful. I loved her so and wish now that I had made more of an effort to see her more in recent years...I made no effort bcs she lived with my uncle John who I dont care for. None the less, I should have, would have...typical hindsight story, right? Anyhow, shes gone and no amount of money was worth attending her funeral and speaking about her in front of everyone...I cant say I miss her bcs I hadnt seen her in so long but I miss the kindness she showed me when I was young. I had some great adventures at her house and with her. Most of my childhood memories include her.
So, things are not bad right now...my life could be so much worse right now if I had never met Rodney and got off drugs. I have come so far in three years I cant imagine my life any different now. I feel like this is where I am supposed to be. Things just feel right...and so many reasons why: I have a whole new family with Rod that I love. Theres Luke, who I adore. We also have cookie who would die without his momma. So many other things to be thankful for: a beautiful home, and new car, and pretty good job that pays me enough to pay my bills and have some fun.
But, the most important factor is Rodney. He is my best friend, the one I turn to first, my lover, my everything and whole life. I have never been this close to another man and could never again. I love him and hope for many, many more years with him.
Justin, celebrating.
Today is my third yr anniversary with R. I am happy with him and hope to spend the rest of my life with him...but things are strained with us. We had a fight this morning on our special day. I dont know if I was being overly suspicious of him bcs of the past or if he really is up to something. He would never, ever be honest if I pressed the issue anyway...he never comes clean unless I have solid evidence in his face. He is actually a good liar, which is not a good quality in a husband...
There is so many positive aspects to focus on and so much to be thankful for that I am now refusing to waste any time or energy on unnecessary bullshit...
The surprise today was the money from my grandma Jewel arrived in my acct today. I received a little over 5k from her estate...not a large or life-changing amount but I am thankful. I loved her so and wish now that I had made more of an effort to see her more in recent years...I made no effort bcs she lived with my uncle John who I dont care for. None the less, I should have, would have...typical hindsight story, right? Anyhow, shes gone and no amount of money was worth attending her funeral and speaking about her in front of everyone...I cant say I miss her bcs I hadnt seen her in so long but I miss the kindness she showed me when I was young. I had some great adventures at her house and with her. Most of my childhood memories include her.
So, things are not bad right now...my life could be so much worse right now if I had never met Rodney and got off drugs. I have come so far in three years I cant imagine my life any different now. I feel like this is where I am supposed to be. Things just feel right...and so many reasons why: I have a whole new family with Rod that I love. Theres Luke, who I adore. We also have cookie who would die without his momma. So many other things to be thankful for: a beautiful home, and new car, and pretty good job that pays me enough to pay my bills and have some fun.
But, the most important factor is Rodney. He is my best friend, the one I turn to first, my lover, my everything and whole life. I have never been this close to another man and could never again. I love him and hope for many, many more years with him.
Justin, celebrating.
Sunday, August 22, 2010
Where do I start...
Well, I got a new car. A really nice car that I can be proud of this time. I sold my PT Cruiser on craigslist in an hr and used the money I made for a down payment on a 2007 Scion Tc with only 28k miles! My payment only went up $4 a month and my insurance $15...I can not believe how it all happened so easily and kind-of unexpectedly. I mean, I was wanting a new car but didnt think I would actually get one for a while...I freakin love it. Its def the newest nicest thing I have ever owned. It is charcoal grey with expensive custom wheels & 18 low profile tires, double sunroofs, a pounding built in sub-woofer in the truck, and everything else in between...did I mention I love it?
Next, I got my first ever credit card. I am almost 34 and am so grateful to be in the place I am in my life. It truly is the best time for me. I didnt even max it out...only spent a little over $80 at A&F...of course, where else? I have also recently bought several nice things for R...who still looks good after loosing weight on hcg...
Speaking of R...things are pretty good right now. Its almost our 3rd anniversary if you can believe it...it has been a real learning experience the entire time. I have never really lived with someone for any length of time that wasnt my family before him. I do love him and hope we stay together a long, long time...
My grandma Jewel who passed away last Oct. was gracious enough to set aside some money for her grandchildren...something my grandpa Joe did not do. Anyway, I recently was able to visit the home she lived in her final years with my aunt & uncle. I was lucky enough to bring home a pair of ceramic tigers (almost life sized), her rocking chair with ottoman, and her birdbath that was always in her front yard... I can remember being so young and splashing around and playing in it...it looks right at home in my backyard now...and I also brought home a wooden rocking/glider bench. Its white and looks great on our front porch. I loved my grandma Jewel and always thought she was an amazing woman who had a hard, yet fortunate life. She was always very kind and generous with me and there will always be fond memories of her in my heart. May she always rest in peace.
My job is going alright. I am worn the hell out every afternoon when I leave but who isnt tired after work? I hope to get a bonus raise after the first of the year and then will at least bring home over 20k a year...finally. I suddenly am finding myself at a place in my life where things are great and I am so grateful yet I still want more...more for myself. I want a better paying, less physical career ( career, not just a job ) and so many more things that I never ever thought of before...weird, huh? I suppose I finally have really matured. I am thinking about things like owning a home, (or at least being able to rent one of if I ever had to) and other things that most adults have and dont even give a second thought to.
I would say that as 2010 is over half over it has been a good year for me. I paid off a car loan and managed to get another, acquired a credit card in my own name with no help, have held my current job for nearly two years, have been in a relationship for nearly three, have so many nice beautiful clothes and things that I never thought I would, and so many, many other things that I will always be grateful for...
Justin, content but still eager to get more
Next, I got my first ever credit card. I am almost 34 and am so grateful to be in the place I am in my life. It truly is the best time for me. I didnt even max it out...only spent a little over $80 at A&F...of course, where else? I have also recently bought several nice things for R...who still looks good after loosing weight on hcg...
Speaking of R...things are pretty good right now. Its almost our 3rd anniversary if you can believe it...it has been a real learning experience the entire time. I have never really lived with someone for any length of time that wasnt my family before him. I do love him and hope we stay together a long, long time...
My grandma Jewel who passed away last Oct. was gracious enough to set aside some money for her grandchildren...something my grandpa Joe did not do. Anyway, I recently was able to visit the home she lived in her final years with my aunt & uncle. I was lucky enough to bring home a pair of ceramic tigers (almost life sized), her rocking chair with ottoman, and her birdbath that was always in her front yard... I can remember being so young and splashing around and playing in it...it looks right at home in my backyard now...and I also brought home a wooden rocking/glider bench. Its white and looks great on our front porch. I loved my grandma Jewel and always thought she was an amazing woman who had a hard, yet fortunate life. She was always very kind and generous with me and there will always be fond memories of her in my heart. May she always rest in peace.
My job is going alright. I am worn the hell out every afternoon when I leave but who isnt tired after work? I hope to get a bonus raise after the first of the year and then will at least bring home over 20k a year...finally. I suddenly am finding myself at a place in my life where things are great and I am so grateful yet I still want more...more for myself. I want a better paying, less physical career ( career, not just a job ) and so many more things that I never ever thought of before...weird, huh? I suppose I finally have really matured. I am thinking about things like owning a home, (or at least being able to rent one of if I ever had to) and other things that most adults have and dont even give a second thought to.
I would say that as 2010 is over half over it has been a good year for me. I paid off a car loan and managed to get another, acquired a credit card in my own name with no help, have held my current job for nearly two years, have been in a relationship for nearly three, have so many nice beautiful clothes and things that I never thought I would, and so many, many other things that I will always be grateful for...
Justin, content but still eager to get more
Monday, August 02, 2010
summer is almost over...
and I am kinda glad. I am over being hot and sweaty all the time. At work and at home...
Things are going pretty good for me lately...
Work is busy enough not to drag on but not overwhelmingly so...at least for now. I had to fire someone who I at one time considered to be a friend, but oh well better him than me. Other than that work is just fine.
Home is good too. Our vacation this year to Kansas City was great. We went to Worlds of Fun again and it was actually better the second time around...it was Luke's idea and we like to make him happy. Things are good with me and Rod...theres been a few hick-ups lately but nothing we cant get past. Our flowers and foliage has not done as well this year. Or, maybe its just our
opinion as we have such high expectations for everything. We are seriously going to revise our plan for next year so there is less watering for us. I was all gung-ho at the beginning of the summer but now its on my nerves.
Oh, did I mention I got a new car? Hell, yes I did. I sold my PT Cruiser on craigslist and made a little money. I loved that car but it was going to have some serious issues down the line and plus it really drank the gas with the air running. So, I got a 2007 Scion tc with only 28k miles. Its grey with the sunroof and spoiler I have always wanted on a car. It also has a nice bumping subwoofer in the truck too. I absolutely love it!!! My payment went up about $4 a month and my insurance only $12 a month...so it worked out great. Better than I hoped for actually. I cried when I sold the cruiser bcs it meant a lot to me but it was def time to let her go.
Things are going pretty good for me lately...
Work is busy enough not to drag on but not overwhelmingly so...at least for now. I had to fire someone who I at one time considered to be a friend, but oh well better him than me. Other than that work is just fine.
Home is good too. Our vacation this year to Kansas City was great. We went to Worlds of Fun again and it was actually better the second time around...it was Luke's idea and we like to make him happy. Things are good with me and Rod...theres been a few hick-ups lately but nothing we cant get past. Our flowers and foliage has not done as well this year. Or, maybe its just our
opinion as we have such high expectations for everything. We are seriously going to revise our plan for next year so there is less watering for us. I was all gung-ho at the beginning of the summer but now its on my nerves.
Oh, did I mention I got a new car? Hell, yes I did. I sold my PT Cruiser on craigslist and made a little money. I loved that car but it was going to have some serious issues down the line and plus it really drank the gas with the air running. So, I got a 2007 Scion tc with only 28k miles. Its grey with the sunroof and spoiler I have always wanted on a car. It also has a nice bumping subwoofer in the truck too. I absolutely love it!!! My payment went up about $4 a month and my insurance only $12 a month...so it worked out great. Better than I hoped for actually. I cried when I sold the cruiser bcs it meant a lot to me but it was def time to let her go.
Sunday, July 11, 2010
out of sorts again...
I have been feeling weird lately...and not sure why.
Work is still hell. Its me and a bunch of others who could care less. I work myself to death everyday trying to make it the best restaurant possible. I almost hate it now.
Home is not too bad...but has been better. R and I are getting along but not like we were. Perhaps its my fault. Perhaps its his...who can say. Perhaps its just circumstances that make things occasionally tense...all I know is that I keep having these weird vibes like i uses to...back when he was sneaking around. Maybe I am being crazy...or maybe I am right like all the other times. I figure if theres something being hidden it will come to light eventually...
My family is great. I wish I could see grams more often. I miss her so much. I still thank my lucky stars she still loves me after all the horrible things I did. I did get to see her this week. I took off a half day bcs her b-day was yesterday and I wanted to take her the gifts I got her. Mom and sister both doing well too...of course I hardly ever talk to either of them...perhaps I should make more of an effort...?
Well, thats it. Just me, being a baby again. I am hoping after typing this out I will feel better with a renewed perspective.
Justin, weird
Work is still hell. Its me and a bunch of others who could care less. I work myself to death everyday trying to make it the best restaurant possible. I almost hate it now.
Home is not too bad...but has been better. R and I are getting along but not like we were. Perhaps its my fault. Perhaps its his...who can say. Perhaps its just circumstances that make things occasionally tense...all I know is that I keep having these weird vibes like i uses to...back when he was sneaking around. Maybe I am being crazy...or maybe I am right like all the other times. I figure if theres something being hidden it will come to light eventually...
My family is great. I wish I could see grams more often. I miss her so much. I still thank my lucky stars she still loves me after all the horrible things I did. I did get to see her this week. I took off a half day bcs her b-day was yesterday and I wanted to take her the gifts I got her. Mom and sister both doing well too...of course I hardly ever talk to either of them...perhaps I should make more of an effort...?
Well, thats it. Just me, being a baby again. I am hoping after typing this out I will feel better with a renewed perspective.
Justin, weird
Monday, May 03, 2010
Man...
life sure is hard sometimes...
Work is killing me. Hate being there sometimes. I have to drag myself thru it everyday...
Home is not bad right now. R is still all over most of the time...but he has gotten better about being rational. I love him so...so thankful for him and our life together.
Why am I so lonely? Why do I feel like somethings missing...now? Whats wrong with me?
Life is hard enough to face...without regrets too.
Justin, sad.
Work is killing me. Hate being there sometimes. I have to drag myself thru it everyday...
Home is not bad right now. R is still all over most of the time...but he has gotten better about being rational. I love him so...so thankful for him and our life together.
Why am I so lonely? Why do I feel like somethings missing...now? Whats wrong with me?
Life is hard enough to face...without regrets too.
Justin, sad.
Monday, March 29, 2010
2010 so far...
has not been great but not completely terrible either.
Things between R and myself are pretty good. I hate that it took me moving completely out and staying gone for an entire week for him to realize some things...but better late than never I suppose. I am hoping we will fall back into a normal routine and life will regain some normality. I really hope that he stays true to his pledge of being different...cuz if he doesnt then I am gone. For good this time. I will not let myself get sucked back in again. I am still having difficulty believing I came back this time...I hope I am not a fool. Lord, please let this time be different for real is all I am saying...
Subway is pretty good too. Not great, but what do I expect, right? Not much more than I am getting now. I started breakfast at my store today...I hope it goes over decent enough not to eat away at my bonus but not so much that it heaps more onto my workload...cuz its full. Its real full for the 9.25 an hr I make running the joint. I remind myself daily that: I am my own boss who writes my own schedule, work mostly Mon-Fri during the day, get a great deal on my insurance, and my phone bill is paid too. The bonus has been a little disappointing so far but this time next year it should double. Should anyway...
I also have a new asst mgr. She is a lesbian that I actually get along with...well, most of the time. She is a big help on most things most days but like anyone else has an off day once in a while. Overall, I am glad to have her...and focus on the things she does for me and not on how she does them differently than I would...control is so hard to let go of, especially when your salary rides on so many things that so many people are into...
In other news: I bought a desk. I am sitting at it now. I am planning to buy a futon next. I am going to furnish this room in R's house with things I can use later if I have to leave him again. I am keeping the mini storage I rented for peace of mind too...I can be moved out and into storage in three car loads or less ( with what I have now. ) Of course, I cant exactly get everything I will need or it will seem obvious but I can get most everything. Things like towels and such I will not buy. I do already have glasses though. Back to the desk. I love it. Its black metal and glass and quite modern I think. I will have to consider it when planning future purchases...
All in all, things are decent for me. I am hoping to get my heiress check soon so I will have some money in the bank and pay off my car...which I only owe $2500 on! Its still running good too.
Well, thats it for now...
Justin, still here.
Things between R and myself are pretty good. I hate that it took me moving completely out and staying gone for an entire week for him to realize some things...but better late than never I suppose. I am hoping we will fall back into a normal routine and life will regain some normality. I really hope that he stays true to his pledge of being different...cuz if he doesnt then I am gone. For good this time. I will not let myself get sucked back in again. I am still having difficulty believing I came back this time...I hope I am not a fool. Lord, please let this time be different for real is all I am saying...
Subway is pretty good too. Not great, but what do I expect, right? Not much more than I am getting now. I started breakfast at my store today...I hope it goes over decent enough not to eat away at my bonus but not so much that it heaps more onto my workload...cuz its full. Its real full for the 9.25 an hr I make running the joint. I remind myself daily that: I am my own boss who writes my own schedule, work mostly Mon-Fri during the day, get a great deal on my insurance, and my phone bill is paid too. The bonus has been a little disappointing so far but this time next year it should double. Should anyway...
I also have a new asst mgr. She is a lesbian that I actually get along with...well, most of the time. She is a big help on most things most days but like anyone else has an off day once in a while. Overall, I am glad to have her...and focus on the things she does for me and not on how she does them differently than I would...control is so hard to let go of, especially when your salary rides on so many things that so many people are into...
In other news: I bought a desk. I am sitting at it now. I am planning to buy a futon next. I am going to furnish this room in R's house with things I can use later if I have to leave him again. I am keeping the mini storage I rented for peace of mind too...I can be moved out and into storage in three car loads or less ( with what I have now. ) Of course, I cant exactly get everything I will need or it will seem obvious but I can get most everything. Things like towels and such I will not buy. I do already have glasses though. Back to the desk. I love it. Its black metal and glass and quite modern I think. I will have to consider it when planning future purchases...
All in all, things are decent for me. I am hoping to get my heiress check soon so I will have some money in the bank and pay off my car...which I only owe $2500 on! Its still running good too.
Well, thats it for now...
Justin, still here.
Thursday, March 18, 2010
Well, here we go...
Going out of town this weekend for a much needed mini vacation. I was single last week ( more on that later ) and intend to go thru with my plans.
Things have been pretty fucked up for me lately. I dont really know where to start...
1. Moved completely out of R's house.
2. Moved in with mom.
3. Moved half my shit into a mini storage.
4. Moved back in with R...only halfway for now.
5. Been sick as hell all week long feeling tired and run-down. Sore throat and cough bad today.
I just hope getting away will relax me and leave me feeling energized enough to tackle my life and all its problems when I return...
I am feeling real confused and conflicted lately. I love R and want to be with him...yet also have so many hard feelings against him. I just dont know what to do...
Justin, confused
Things have been pretty fucked up for me lately. I dont really know where to start...
1. Moved completely out of R's house.
2. Moved in with mom.
3. Moved half my shit into a mini storage.
4. Moved back in with R...only halfway for now.
5. Been sick as hell all week long feeling tired and run-down. Sore throat and cough bad today.
I just hope getting away will relax me and leave me feeling energized enough to tackle my life and all its problems when I return...
I am feeling real confused and conflicted lately. I love R and want to be with him...yet also have so many hard feelings against him. I just dont know what to do...
Justin, confused
Saturday, January 23, 2010
so frustrated lately
So my post of 2010 is going to be a rant...
Work is killing me lately. I am so fucking tired of carrying the entire restaurant. I know I take too much on but it is my job. I simply can not change the way I am...hopefully things will get easier for me...oh, also I have a ton of online classes to complete for work too. Ugh.
Home is not so great either...R and I are fighting. He has hurt me once again. I am not claiming innocence in it but I am not the one going online and making things worse...its hard to make ammends with someone you are angry with, u know. I just wish things would even out and we could just be a normal, happy couple. I want some affection...not just sexual advances. I need someone who is mine, and only mine...not trying to go out on me every chance he gets.
Thats about it. Work blows and home sucks.
Justin, spun out.
Work is killing me lately. I am so fucking tired of carrying the entire restaurant. I know I take too much on but it is my job. I simply can not change the way I am...hopefully things will get easier for me...oh, also I have a ton of online classes to complete for work too. Ugh.
Home is not so great either...R and I are fighting. He has hurt me once again. I am not claiming innocence in it but I am not the one going online and making things worse...its hard to make ammends with someone you are angry with, u know. I just wish things would even out and we could just be a normal, happy couple. I want some affection...not just sexual advances. I need someone who is mine, and only mine...not trying to go out on me every chance he gets.
Thats about it. Work blows and home sucks.
Justin, spun out.
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
2009 recap
Well, while I did not do many posts this last year it does not mean there was not a lot going on for me...oh, Lord, where to begin...
First of all, my job is pretty good. It could be much worse...much, much worse. The only bad thing is that I dont make enough money to live on my own. I cant believe I would have to work two jobs just to support myself. Well, it does look like it is coming to that too.
Yep, you guessed it. R and I had it out big time today. I am so sick and tired of coming on here just to bitch about him. I have no one else to talk to about him. My family is out bcs I have been dumb enough to stay with him and could not risk them not liking him...for obvious reasons. Same deal with my friends...not that I have any. I am so alone. Trapped in an distrusting and empty marriage and have alienated everyone else except my family for said marriage. I now hate R so much I cant stand it. It is Christmas in a couple days and this shit happens. I had a feeling it would. It is kinda weird how this happened this time. I ignored feelings and vibes ( unaccounted for time for R and a strange number in his phone that I didnt call ) only to be smacked in the face with it. I logged onto his laptop and opened mozilla firefox and it told me there was too many tabs open and something, something and gave me the option to restore the previous session, which I did. What opened really hit me hard: his yahoo email, manhunt, and the casual encounters page on craigslist. Those three tabs together is not a coincidence either. There is no believable reason for it. R said he doesnt have to justify himself to me ( hello, we are in a relationship here! ) and insisted that he had done nothing wrong. I do not believe this shit for a second bcs he would rather die than admit anything to me.
So now, what to do? Should I stay with him and hope he is telling the truth? Should I leave him and start a horrible life living with my mother in a one bedroom apt? Unless I stay with R until I get my heiress check, I have no other options right now. It eats me to the core that this keeps happening and I have to overlook it just to have a place to live. Well, I guess I really dont have to, but choose to. Why do I choose to? Why dont I want to leave him? Maybe I am not as strong as I thought...or maybe I am just scared.
I was so looking forward to the holidays this year. He ruins everything for me. He ruined Thanksgiving, and always starts something with me when we are going to see my family. Literally, each time we are on our way to my moms he starts some shit. I fucking hate him. I fucking hate him so fucking much. I have been so on edge lately with these weird feelings eating at me...and now I know why.
I hope my leaving him will change him for the better...as a wake up call and that he does not get back on drugs and let himself go. I want good things for him...even if they dont include me.
Fuck, I am tired of sitting here swallowed up in emotion. I am numb from all the cecil but still...
My life was so good. And now its over.
Justin, so overloaded I cant think of an adjective to end my post like I always do...damn it.
First of all, my job is pretty good. It could be much worse...much, much worse. The only bad thing is that I dont make enough money to live on my own. I cant believe I would have to work two jobs just to support myself. Well, it does look like it is coming to that too.
Yep, you guessed it. R and I had it out big time today. I am so sick and tired of coming on here just to bitch about him. I have no one else to talk to about him. My family is out bcs I have been dumb enough to stay with him and could not risk them not liking him...for obvious reasons. Same deal with my friends...not that I have any. I am so alone. Trapped in an distrusting and empty marriage and have alienated everyone else except my family for said marriage. I now hate R so much I cant stand it. It is Christmas in a couple days and this shit happens. I had a feeling it would. It is kinda weird how this happened this time. I ignored feelings and vibes ( unaccounted for time for R and a strange number in his phone that I didnt call ) only to be smacked in the face with it. I logged onto his laptop and opened mozilla firefox and it told me there was too many tabs open and something, something and gave me the option to restore the previous session, which I did. What opened really hit me hard: his yahoo email, manhunt, and the casual encounters page on craigslist. Those three tabs together is not a coincidence either. There is no believable reason for it. R said he doesnt have to justify himself to me ( hello, we are in a relationship here! ) and insisted that he had done nothing wrong. I do not believe this shit for a second bcs he would rather die than admit anything to me.
So now, what to do? Should I stay with him and hope he is telling the truth? Should I leave him and start a horrible life living with my mother in a one bedroom apt? Unless I stay with R until I get my heiress check, I have no other options right now. It eats me to the core that this keeps happening and I have to overlook it just to have a place to live. Well, I guess I really dont have to, but choose to. Why do I choose to? Why dont I want to leave him? Maybe I am not as strong as I thought...or maybe I am just scared.
I was so looking forward to the holidays this year. He ruins everything for me. He ruined Thanksgiving, and always starts something with me when we are going to see my family. Literally, each time we are on our way to my moms he starts some shit. I fucking hate him. I fucking hate him so fucking much. I have been so on edge lately with these weird feelings eating at me...and now I know why.
I hope my leaving him will change him for the better...as a wake up call and that he does not get back on drugs and let himself go. I want good things for him...even if they dont include me.
Fuck, I am tired of sitting here swallowed up in emotion. I am numb from all the cecil but still...
My life was so good. And now its over.
Justin, so overloaded I cant think of an adjective to end my post like I always do...damn it.
Thursday, December 03, 2009
Oh Lord...life is complcated
Man, talk about overload for me lately.
First of all...I am now up to two deceased grandparents in the last two weeks...I was not close with the latest one ( great grandpa Heber ) but still.
Next we have the hives. I have been broke out in hives almost everyday for like three months now. I have taken the zyrtec like all the Dr's told me to. I am now taking a combo of zyrtec and benadryl just to keep them down. Each morning I hope they are not on my face ( like Thanksgiving ) or on my arms and noticeable at work. I go back to the derm next week and hopefully he can help me out. I just wish I could figure out what I am allergic to...I hope its not my dog.
Then theres my work. I am coming to dislike it. It has become a constant headache...covering shifts, waiting for people to come who come in late, and those not in uniform too. I have put my foot down and started passing out write ups but damn why does it have to come to this? I hate being the bad guy all the time...but then again, it is my job to enforce the rules. I do take my job seriously and realize this is just part of it.
Finally we have R. Things are pretty good with us right now. That's right, I am still with him. I may have jumped to conclusions with some of my accusations. I also wont be looking for trouble anymore either...what I dont know wont hurt me...I hope. I want to trust him but I just cant. I do love him and want a life with him but like everything else it is hard. Hopefully things will be alright with us and we will grow old together...
I am so out of sorts again lately. Not sure if its all the antihistamines I have been taking or everything weighing me down.
On a different note: I went to my real dad's for Thanksgiving. They noticed me so much no one mentioned the huge hive right by my left eye. I felt uncomfortable and we left before they even ate. We did have to get Luke anyway... My sister obviously hates me too. R thinks she is threatened by me...which is ridiculous! Although she has my dad all to herself all these years....so how knows. She is so cold to me and would not even look me in the eye. Oh well, not everyone is going to be a fan.
Justin, all broke out
First of all...I am now up to two deceased grandparents in the last two weeks...I was not close with the latest one ( great grandpa Heber ) but still.
Next we have the hives. I have been broke out in hives almost everyday for like three months now. I have taken the zyrtec like all the Dr's told me to. I am now taking a combo of zyrtec and benadryl just to keep them down. Each morning I hope they are not on my face ( like Thanksgiving ) or on my arms and noticeable at work. I go back to the derm next week and hopefully he can help me out. I just wish I could figure out what I am allergic to...I hope its not my dog.
Then theres my work. I am coming to dislike it. It has become a constant headache...covering shifts, waiting for people to come who come in late, and those not in uniform too. I have put my foot down and started passing out write ups but damn why does it have to come to this? I hate being the bad guy all the time...but then again, it is my job to enforce the rules. I do take my job seriously and realize this is just part of it.
Finally we have R. Things are pretty good with us right now. That's right, I am still with him. I may have jumped to conclusions with some of my accusations. I also wont be looking for trouble anymore either...what I dont know wont hurt me...I hope. I want to trust him but I just cant. I do love him and want a life with him but like everything else it is hard. Hopefully things will be alright with us and we will grow old together...
I am so out of sorts again lately. Not sure if its all the antihistamines I have been taking or everything weighing me down.
On a different note: I went to my real dad's for Thanksgiving. They noticed me so much no one mentioned the huge hive right by my left eye. I felt uncomfortable and we left before they even ate. We did have to get Luke anyway... My sister obviously hates me too. R thinks she is threatened by me...which is ridiculous! Although she has my dad all to herself all these years....so how knows. She is so cold to me and would not even look me in the eye. Oh well, not everyone is going to be a fan.
Justin, all broke out
Sunday, November 01, 2009
the bottom dropped out...
Well, things had been going well for me lately. Until a couple days ago they got really shitty.
Firstly, my grandma died thurs morning at 4:50 am. I was there and spoke to her before she passed...thankfully. It was my dad's mom, Jewel. She was 90 yrs old and had always had a lot of health problems for as long as I can remember. She will be missed by many.
Next we have R. He decided that the best time to cheat on me would be when I was in the hospital watching my grandma die. So nice of him, right? He is a real class act. I discovered a tulsa cricket phone number in his phone that he had called a couple of times and called it myself. It was of course a gay dude on the message... R will not admit anything. He is such a sneaky piece of shit. He just lied to me about meeting up with an old trick of his in the city last week but he insists that they only had lunch... like I am so stupid to believe him. So, now I will be moving out next week when I can get it all together and leave for good in one trip. God, how I hate him now. He has made me the fool for the last time.
Justin, completely fucked up about it.
Firstly, my grandma died thurs morning at 4:50 am. I was there and spoke to her before she passed...thankfully. It was my dad's mom, Jewel. She was 90 yrs old and had always had a lot of health problems for as long as I can remember. She will be missed by many.
Next we have R. He decided that the best time to cheat on me would be when I was in the hospital watching my grandma die. So nice of him, right? He is a real class act. I discovered a tulsa cricket phone number in his phone that he had called a couple of times and called it myself. It was of course a gay dude on the message... R will not admit anything. He is such a sneaky piece of shit. He just lied to me about meeting up with an old trick of his in the city last week but he insists that they only had lunch... like I am so stupid to believe him. So, now I will be moving out next week when I can get it all together and leave for good in one trip. God, how I hate him now. He has made me the fool for the last time.
Justin, completely fucked up about it.
Monday, September 28, 2009
So long, no post
Well, things are good with me right now.
I am constantly busy running my store...being the sole manager with no assistant can be rough.
Things with R and me are good right now too. Nothing major to report...it seems we finally settled into a comfortable existence with each other. I do love him so...we celebrated our 2 year anniversary last week. We went to dinner and then to the casino for drinks...we both had free money points come in the mail so its not like we wasted any money gambling...
Also, this week is my b-day. I am 33 this year. I cant believe it. I am now in my mid thirties....
But, I am finally in a great relationship. I am gainfully employed at a job where I am my own boss. I have a car that gets me around. I have my own bank account with which I pay my own bills. I am also still in good health too. I have a great family that I adore...especially my sisters kids. So, all in all my life is pretty damn good.
There is only one thing that is missing. It is my grams. I miss her so damn much. She has always been my biggest fan and life without her around is different for me even after so long. I do see her from time to time and talk to her on the phone though. I am more thankful than I have the words to express that she forgave me and allowed me back into her life and loves me just as unconditionally now and she did before all the stupid shit I did to her while she was trying to help me...God, I hope one day I can get past the guilt.
So, thats about it. Life is good, almost great. I am thankful for everything I have...and happy that I do, in fact have a life worth living and being grateful for.
Justin, 33
I am constantly busy running my store...being the sole manager with no assistant can be rough.
Things with R and me are good right now too. Nothing major to report...it seems we finally settled into a comfortable existence with each other. I do love him so...we celebrated our 2 year anniversary last week. We went to dinner and then to the casino for drinks...we both had free money points come in the mail so its not like we wasted any money gambling...
Also, this week is my b-day. I am 33 this year. I cant believe it. I am now in my mid thirties....
But, I am finally in a great relationship. I am gainfully employed at a job where I am my own boss. I have a car that gets me around. I have my own bank account with which I pay my own bills. I am also still in good health too. I have a great family that I adore...especially my sisters kids. So, all in all my life is pretty damn good.
There is only one thing that is missing. It is my grams. I miss her so damn much. She has always been my biggest fan and life without her around is different for me even after so long. I do see her from time to time and talk to her on the phone though. I am more thankful than I have the words to express that she forgave me and allowed me back into her life and loves me just as unconditionally now and she did before all the stupid shit I did to her while she was trying to help me...God, I hope one day I can get past the guilt.
So, thats about it. Life is good, almost great. I am thankful for everything I have...and happy that I do, in fact have a life worth living and being grateful for.
Justin, 33
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
Man, what a hard day
I woke up this morning mad at R...over the whole situation with my mom. I cant help it. He seems like such a cold, heartless person. I have thought this before too. I dont really think he is but I am wrestling with it right now...
Is this relationship really right for me? Do I really want to be with someone I dont trust?
Just when I think things are going good...I get hit with reality. Perhaps I ignore things just to make life more tolerable...?
My day at work was just as bad. I had to write up my favorite employee...K. He had already had a bad day and started to cry. It just about killed me to see the pain in his eyes. I cant stand to see anyone cry...especially someone I care about. It was really hard.
But my real problem is R. How do I go on from here with him feeling so bitter towards him? How do I forgive him for making me tell my mom no and making her cry? Its my mom of all people...I mean, come on. There is not a person I know that would stay with him after this. Or, am I over reacting? I dont think so ....but sometimes I am glib. Just sometimes...I dont consider all the details or think things thru and I misread the situation...I guess everyone does.
Its weird how quickly things change...without any warning.
I just hate days like this...that really test me. I cant help but wonder....is it over? Did I pass?
Justin, fucked up.
Is this relationship really right for me? Do I really want to be with someone I dont trust?
Just when I think things are going good...I get hit with reality. Perhaps I ignore things just to make life more tolerable...?
My day at work was just as bad. I had to write up my favorite employee...K. He had already had a bad day and started to cry. It just about killed me to see the pain in his eyes. I cant stand to see anyone cry...especially someone I care about. It was really hard.
But my real problem is R. How do I go on from here with him feeling so bitter towards him? How do I forgive him for making me tell my mom no and making her cry? Its my mom of all people...I mean, come on. There is not a person I know that would stay with him after this. Or, am I over reacting? I dont think so ....but sometimes I am glib. Just sometimes...I dont consider all the details or think things thru and I misread the situation...I guess everyone does.
Its weird how quickly things change...without any warning.
I just hate days like this...that really test me. I cant help but wonder....is it over? Did I pass?
Justin, fucked up.
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Oh Lord, where to start...
First of all, work is really stressful. Not more than I can handle...but it sure takes its toll.
R and I are getting along...or at least we were. My parents are getting a divorce and my mother wants to move in with us for while. I thought that would be ideal but now R has decided that he does not think its a good idea. This puts me in the middle of both of them. And makes him seem very cold. If it were his sister or something he would not even hesitate to let them move in without even consulting me...but since this is his house, I have no say in anything. It is making me bitter towards him because I dont understand why he is so adamant about her not staying with us...it makes him seem heartless. And cold.
So, here I am stuck in the middle of my Mother who has always been there for me and the heartless cheater I am married to...but who I love very much. Man, just when my life was going good...at least I didnt get fired from my job or anything... Although, this has been a wake up call for me. If R and I split up I would be in the same position...except without being able to stay with my sister or my grandfather. So mom does have a place to stay...but neither is convenient.
Well, here I go to have a talk with R...I hope it does not end in screaming.
Justin, determined to save some money so he does not end up homeless again.
R and I are getting along...or at least we were. My parents are getting a divorce and my mother wants to move in with us for while. I thought that would be ideal but now R has decided that he does not think its a good idea. This puts me in the middle of both of them. And makes him seem very cold. If it were his sister or something he would not even hesitate to let them move in without even consulting me...but since this is his house, I have no say in anything. It is making me bitter towards him because I dont understand why he is so adamant about her not staying with us...it makes him seem heartless. And cold.
So, here I am stuck in the middle of my Mother who has always been there for me and the heartless cheater I am married to...but who I love very much. Man, just when my life was going good...at least I didnt get fired from my job or anything... Although, this has been a wake up call for me. If R and I split up I would be in the same position...except without being able to stay with my sister or my grandfather. So mom does have a place to stay...but neither is convenient.
Well, here I go to have a talk with R...I hope it does not end in screaming.
Justin, determined to save some money so he does not end up homeless again.
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
out of sorts
Lately I am feeling really weird. Not sure why, or even what I am feeling...
Everything is getting me down. It seems like every way I turn there is adversity. I heard once that "those who face adversity become adverse themselves." I am starting to thing thats true.
I normally have no problem staying strong and facing down any challenge. Lately my work has beaten me down. I am exhausted and about ready to walk away from it... there is only so many hard days one can handle...even me.
Things are good between R and I right now. No major issues or huge blowups lately. That is a relief...who knew he would become the stable, dependable one in my life. He is my husband but not nearly as strong as I am so leaning on him makes me feel bad sometimes... I do love him so...
Tonights post is some random thoughts that I just typed out in the moment.
Another...is that my sister and I seem to be close again. I am still hurt that she didnt invite me to or even tell me about her wedding until days after...but I just ignore those feelings and think about the flimsy excuse that she gave me...it makes sense, right?
My mother? Things are alright there too. I feel like an outsider a lot with her and my sister bcs they are so close now and spend so much time together...but I dont have kids. And am in a gay relationship that I dont try to hide. And am a huge flamer too. I am surprised she invited me to a softball game tonight...but they invited me at the last second and only bcs they felt sorry for me. I had just talked to them both on the phone and they both knew that I knew they are going to a game less than five miles from my house. Back to my mom. I appreciate all she has done for me but she makes me feel like I am a nuicance a lot. Maybe thats just me...
Well, I think I am done for now.
Justin, not himself.
Everything is getting me down. It seems like every way I turn there is adversity. I heard once that "those who face adversity become adverse themselves." I am starting to thing thats true.
I normally have no problem staying strong and facing down any challenge. Lately my work has beaten me down. I am exhausted and about ready to walk away from it... there is only so many hard days one can handle...even me.
Things are good between R and I right now. No major issues or huge blowups lately. That is a relief...who knew he would become the stable, dependable one in my life. He is my husband but not nearly as strong as I am so leaning on him makes me feel bad sometimes... I do love him so...
Tonights post is some random thoughts that I just typed out in the moment.
Another...is that my sister and I seem to be close again. I am still hurt that she didnt invite me to or even tell me about her wedding until days after...but I just ignore those feelings and think about the flimsy excuse that she gave me...it makes sense, right?
My mother? Things are alright there too. I feel like an outsider a lot with her and my sister bcs they are so close now and spend so much time together...but I dont have kids. And am in a gay relationship that I dont try to hide. And am a huge flamer too. I am surprised she invited me to a softball game tonight...but they invited me at the last second and only bcs they felt sorry for me. I had just talked to them both on the phone and they both knew that I knew they are going to a game less than five miles from my house. Back to my mom. I appreciate all she has done for me but she makes me feel like I am a nuicance a lot. Maybe thats just me...
Well, I think I am done for now.
Justin, not himself.
Monday, April 27, 2009
Life...
...has been pretty rough lately.
Work is crazy right now...put in 56 hrs this week and no day off for another 5 days too. I just hope it is all worth it later. I have been promised my own store.
My relationship with R has been like a roller coaster. It is constant up and down with us...
He has been cheating and did in fact cheat while he was in Portland...he never admitted the whole truth or what he did with how many people though. I caught him, and this time he admitted it and we are seeing a counselor. I hope this is worth it too. I dont trust him and maybe I never will...
My sister and J got married two days ago. I was not invited...I was called and informed. She said the only people she invited were her witnesses...our parents. So, I was the only one in our "family" that was not there...which really hurts. I am very happy for her and wish them a lifetime of enviable happiness together though. If anybody deserves ( and has worked for ) a good life its my sister...I love her so much and hope all her dreams come true.
Back to my dreams... and I have no clue what they might be....I am unhappy with my life the way it is but am terrified to try to make any changes. I have been out of school for so long and have done so many drugs that I am afraid I wont be able to learn anything. I really do want a change tho...its just easier said than done. I cant imagine how hard it would be for me to try to get a degree, work enough to support myself, and maintain a relationship with R all at the same time. My sister makes it happen bcs her husband is trustworthy and they have a solid relationship. I can not say the same. Becoming the store mgr of a subway would be great...but I really dont think I like making sandwiches...but enjoy the rest of the job. Weird, right? I am so torn and confused by my entire life right now...everything is so unsettled....
On top of everything else...my back has been hurting a lot lately. I mean fucking killing like it used to...man, this is all I need.
So,
Will R and I make it?
Will I get my own store? Soon...?
Justin, pretty much freaked out.
Work is crazy right now...put in 56 hrs this week and no day off for another 5 days too. I just hope it is all worth it later. I have been promised my own store.
My relationship with R has been like a roller coaster. It is constant up and down with us...
He has been cheating and did in fact cheat while he was in Portland...he never admitted the whole truth or what he did with how many people though. I caught him, and this time he admitted it and we are seeing a counselor. I hope this is worth it too. I dont trust him and maybe I never will...
My sister and J got married two days ago. I was not invited...I was called and informed. She said the only people she invited were her witnesses...our parents. So, I was the only one in our "family" that was not there...which really hurts. I am very happy for her and wish them a lifetime of enviable happiness together though. If anybody deserves ( and has worked for ) a good life its my sister...I love her so much and hope all her dreams come true.
Back to my dreams... and I have no clue what they might be....I am unhappy with my life the way it is but am terrified to try to make any changes. I have been out of school for so long and have done so many drugs that I am afraid I wont be able to learn anything. I really do want a change tho...its just easier said than done. I cant imagine how hard it would be for me to try to get a degree, work enough to support myself, and maintain a relationship with R all at the same time. My sister makes it happen bcs her husband is trustworthy and they have a solid relationship. I can not say the same. Becoming the store mgr of a subway would be great...but I really dont think I like making sandwiches...but enjoy the rest of the job. Weird, right? I am so torn and confused by my entire life right now...everything is so unsettled....
On top of everything else...my back has been hurting a lot lately. I mean fucking killing like it used to...man, this is all I need.
So,
Will R and I make it?
Will I get my own store? Soon...?
Justin, pretty much freaked out.
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
Wow...I cant believe its been so long
So much has happened, so much has changed.
I am still with R. Our relationship is rocky right now but hopefully getting better and more stable and trusting with the help of a counselor. I wont really go into all of it right now bcs this post is about something more...
I am still employed at Subway. I am the asst at the store I work at now and have been promised my own store by the owner. I can not wait for this to happen for so many reasons. One of those being the money. Another being that as a current store mgr I should have no problem ever finding another job at a rest as the mgr.
Tomorrow is my ten year anniversary. Ten long years with a horrible, fatal disease. I cant believe I have made it this far doing so well...especially considering I was a drug addict for about four of those years...and considering those were recent years while I was taking meds too. I am so thankful and consider myself very lucky to be in good health and able to do the things I do in a day ( like put away a 60 something case truck in 10 minutes. )
I usually celebrate this day eating dinner with my family. Sadly, this year my grams wont be able to attend. She is still living in Ks with my aunt. I miss her more than anything. Of all the things I lost due to drugs, she is what hurts the most. I still talk to her and see her occasionally but its not the same. I think about her all the time and have some guilt over everything that happened. She has forgiven more but it kills me to think about how things would be if she had not. She has always been the only one I knew for sure was in my corner...no matter what I could count on her. I still can but still...its not the same. I started watching dancing with the stars and cry each time bcs we always watched it together. I just wish she really knew how truly sorry I am and that I really have changed this time. I really am different...
This year I am going to eat with mom ( who cant make it until 6:45 bcs she cant miss her kick boxing class ) and my sister. I do love them both, but these days I am really just an outsider with the two of them. I knew this would happen eventually but I didnt know it would hurt so much...although they have recently started to include me in some things. I suppose I should be thankful they allow me in their lives and have forgiven me too. R will be coming with us too. I am glad my family likes him. Mom likes him a little too much... her take on it is that if I am with R she does not have to worry. My sister likes him too which is nice. I am thinking it should be a nice dinner. I will be thinking about grams the whole time though...
Did I mentioin I got a car? Yep, got it all on my own. I real loan in just my own name and everything. I was expecting to have to buy from an in-house finance kind of place and pay twice too much for some piece of shit that I would be embarrassed to drive. I ended up getting a PT Cruiser. It is the limited edition and very nice. 2002 with only 79k miles for only $7000. I hope it lasts and is a good car.
All in all my life is not bad right now. I have a lot to be thankful for but still a lot of work to do.
Justin, optimistic.
I am still with R. Our relationship is rocky right now but hopefully getting better and more stable and trusting with the help of a counselor. I wont really go into all of it right now bcs this post is about something more...
I am still employed at Subway. I am the asst at the store I work at now and have been promised my own store by the owner. I can not wait for this to happen for so many reasons. One of those being the money. Another being that as a current store mgr I should have no problem ever finding another job at a rest as the mgr.
Tomorrow is my ten year anniversary. Ten long years with a horrible, fatal disease. I cant believe I have made it this far doing so well...especially considering I was a drug addict for about four of those years...and considering those were recent years while I was taking meds too. I am so thankful and consider myself very lucky to be in good health and able to do the things I do in a day ( like put away a 60 something case truck in 10 minutes. )
I usually celebrate this day eating dinner with my family. Sadly, this year my grams wont be able to attend. She is still living in Ks with my aunt. I miss her more than anything. Of all the things I lost due to drugs, she is what hurts the most. I still talk to her and see her occasionally but its not the same. I think about her all the time and have some guilt over everything that happened. She has forgiven more but it kills me to think about how things would be if she had not. She has always been the only one I knew for sure was in my corner...no matter what I could count on her. I still can but still...its not the same. I started watching dancing with the stars and cry each time bcs we always watched it together. I just wish she really knew how truly sorry I am and that I really have changed this time. I really am different...
This year I am going to eat with mom ( who cant make it until 6:45 bcs she cant miss her kick boxing class ) and my sister. I do love them both, but these days I am really just an outsider with the two of them. I knew this would happen eventually but I didnt know it would hurt so much...although they have recently started to include me in some things. I suppose I should be thankful they allow me in their lives and have forgiven me too. R will be coming with us too. I am glad my family likes him. Mom likes him a little too much... her take on it is that if I am with R she does not have to worry. My sister likes him too which is nice. I am thinking it should be a nice dinner. I will be thinking about grams the whole time though...
Did I mentioin I got a car? Yep, got it all on my own. I real loan in just my own name and everything. I was expecting to have to buy from an in-house finance kind of place and pay twice too much for some piece of shit that I would be embarrassed to drive. I ended up getting a PT Cruiser. It is the limited edition and very nice. 2002 with only 79k miles for only $7000. I hope it lasts and is a good car.
All in all my life is not bad right now. I have a lot to be thankful for but still a lot of work to do.
Justin, optimistic.
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