So unsure

I dont know what is wrong with me lately.
I just cant seem to think straight.
I am constantly suspicious of everything.

I dont know if I am content with my relationship with R or not. I am going crazy thinking he is constantly up to something. Will I ever be able to trust him again? If I cant, how can I possible stay with him? Why is this so fucking hard? I know without a doubt that I do love R. He makes me very happy most of the time. But then, there's the rest of the time...which is horrible. We fight all the time. Mostly over stuff that seems stupid. Part of me thinks I am right, that he's a lying, cheating, scheming monster. The other part of me thinks I am being overly paranoid, that there's a logical, reasonable explanation to everything. Is there? Or, am I allowing him to convince me of his lies bcs I am afraid of what will happen to me if I have to leave him? I am so confused. I just want to be settled and happy somewhere...whether it's here or not.

Justin out

A great weekend

M ended up coming for a visit after all...

We had such a great time. He and R got along great, even better than I had hoped for...

They didnt get here until about 6pm on Sat, so we almost immediately got ready and went into town. We bar-hopped all night long! It was so much fun. This was the best and most fun visit M and I have had in a long time.

R and I are going to stay in Ar next week ( for R's work ) and I just hope the two of them get along just as good then.


Gotta go for now,
Justin

Goodbye Misery

I am feeling much better today. About everything.

My illness is gone. It's amazing to me how one day I am feeling awful and have a fever and then the next I am just fine.

R and I have also patched things up. We discussed everything and love each other so much that we really had no choice but to work things out.

M is on his way here for a visit. I hope like hell that everything goes well...meaning that he and R will get along. Not only get along but like each other. I am also hoping that teasing and making fun of me is not their common ground...but if it is, I will be happy to play along to keep the peace. They are both very important to me so I am hoping that everything will work out and I will not be put in the middle of them.

In other news, my Mom just came by. She and step-dad were in town having lunch so she brought my W2 and some new contact lenses to me. Her dad is an eye dr so I have always gotten my lenses for free, which has always been greatly appreciated.

Well, that's about it for now. Things have turned around for me in the last twenty four hrs and I could not be more pleased about it.

Much Luv,
Justin

So fucking miserable...

but this time it's not all R's fault.

I have been very ill for the last three days. High fever and intense stomach problems. It has not been pleasant.

There worse part about it has been feeling completely alone with no one to care for me. R says he does but it's very hard to see right now.

Things have been strained between us ( again. )

I recently found out that he did cheat on me with more than one person. He is now admitting to two. I know there's more and more to the story. I dont see how he thinks we can ever have a good relationship if he cant be completely honest with me. It is tearing me apart thinking that he could not only do something like that but then continuously lie about it. Why wont he just tell me so we can get past it? I was completely honest about me chatting with that guy with him. And all I did was chat via internet...there was never an in-person meeting. He was extremely bothered by it so you would think he would come clean.

He wanted to have a threeway last week. With the guy from here he cheated on me with. It got way out of hand but thankfully nothing happened. We would not be together right now if anything had. He chatted with guys online in front of me too. The worse part of that was that he was only trying to set something up for just him, not both of us...I am so fucking heartbroken again I dont know if I can carry on. I am so worried we will not be able to make this work. I have cried all day wondering...
We were fighting about our almost threesome and I walked out of the room. Only to come back in to find him online again. I left the room again and then came back to find him still online. He was in there chatting with guys instead of trying to patch things up with me. That hurts so fucking bad I cant stand it. I saw some emails between him and another guy and cant help but wonder if R ever did hook up with him...

Why does everyone I love hurt me?


I love him so much, but dont know if it will work out.
Justin the miserable.

Here I am...

Nothing has really changed much lately, so I have not really been doing many posts.

Things are great between R and myself. There have been a few bumps in the road but our relationship is stronger than ever. I hope stay together for a long, long time.

Even though I am perfectly happy spending my days here being a housewife, I am starting to get bored. I cant wait until I can get a job. Hopefully something easy, not too physical, and pays decent. I have such low expectations, I should have no problem finding something.

M is supposed to come visit us this weekend. I have not mentioned it to R yet. Things change so much with M that I dont want to bring it up until I know M is coming for sure. I did say to R last night that M was wanting to come visit soon, I just didnt say how soon...

If M's visit goes well I will definitely convince both R and M that M moving here is a good idea. Then I will have no problem getting driven back and forth to a job until I can afford to buy a car.
I am thinking that if I can get them to like each other it might even be fun living with the two of the them. M is so unhappy living with his family. They treat him like shit and he continues to let them run all over him. I can only imagine what it must be like living with your two aunts who are at least 13 years older than you...you know, they treat like a child.

Well, I dont really have much else to talk about right now....my life is almost exactly the same from day to day. I dont mind it that much. But I am really kind-of looking forward to a change.

Until next time,
Justin

Weekend Recap

I had a fantastic weekend with my husband...so on with the recap.

Friday R decided he wanted to go out to dinner. After we drove around Tulsa for about an hour trying to decide on a place that wasnt too busy, we went to Ruby Tuesday. It was good and I am sure we will eat there again.

Saturday we spent the day messing around. We went to lunch and then into Tulsa. We went to a couple of furniture stores and then some thrift stores but didnt buy anything. We hung out and enjoyed each other's company. We then spent the evening hanging out at home drinking wine and making dinner together. Dinner was great, we had steak with pasta and wine. Then watched some tv and continued hanging out.

Today, Sunday we have hung out at home doing stuff that needed to be done. Like hanging pictures and touching up some spots on the wall with paint. We moved around some furniture and changed a few things in the bedroom and dining room. I do appreciate that R has made an effort to use some of my ideas so this feels like our house and not just his. I think the place looks great now. In the next couple of years we will get new furniture for the bedroom and living room and completely re=do both rooms...but for now it looks great with what we have to work with.


So, here it is Sunday early evening...we just finished up an early dinner of turkey with mashed potatoes and gravy and are now just hanging out.

L will be here this coming weekend and now that R knows exactly how I feel ( about L sleeping in our room while I sleep elsewhere ) I am anticipating a fun weekend. Yesterday was L's birthday so this coming visit will be his b-day with dad. We are going bowling and then who-knows-what else...like I said before, it should be a fun weekend.


Until next time...
Much Luv,
Justin, content

Hmm...

Life is good.

No news, be it good or bad. Everything is still going very well.


There's just one thing...I seem to have lost my sex drive. I am still attracted to R, I just dont ever seem to want sex. R has been asking for it for the last two or three days and last night I gave in.
I didnt want sex at all. The whole time I was hoping it was almost over. R didnt do anything wrong or anything that I dont like, I just wasnt into it. I cant figure this out. Why do I all of a sudden not want sex anymore? I am not doing anyone else or even masturbating, so it's puzzling...

I cant exactly talk to R about this either. He thinks I dont want him anymore, or that there's someone else. Somehow I have got to get myself jazzed up for more sex. R told me the other
night that he didnt think I was physically attracted to him anymore and "If we dont have anything physical then we dont have anything at all." So, I guess I better want more sex or I will be dumped. Or at least that's how it sounded. If we dont have sex as regular as he would like he pouts, so it's not like it's he doesnt notice. He pressures me a lot...he would tell you that he doesnt but I am here to tell you that he does. Maybe if he wasnt all over me all the time I would want more sex. ??? I think so...

I know this post was about R but it was not bitching. Or whining and crying. So, I think this one is acceptable.

Much luv,
Justin, who has lost his mojo

It's Tuesday...

And there's nothing to report.

Life is going good. Still a housewife and mother.

My Mom came over last night. That was the most exciting thing that's happened in the last couple days. She came by to get the paperwork to send off for my birth certificate. I will need it to get a new ID, which is needed to get a job. I hope it comes soon.

I am currently on the phone with M. He is up to the same old thing. Still living in Ar. Still working for Jack & Tim. They are selling their house and building a new one and he seems to think he will move in with them and become their non-sexual houseboy. I dont see it happening...bcs they expect the sex, especially if he is living with them.

Over all I dont really have any complaints. My husband can be annoying as shit sometimes, but I am sure I annoy him too. I would say that we have a pretty good relationship now.

much luv,
Justin, out

Sunday morning musings...

It's Sunday and we just finished up breakfast...that I cooked. I must say it was great. Sausage, eggs, and biscuits and gravy. Yum.

I just realized that I now have almost everything I ever wanted. An adoring husband, a stepchild that's not annoying, ( and that doesnt live with us full-time ) and a lovely home. I have always wanted to be a housewife and mother... I know it's weird but I cant change how I am.

I am a little nervous bcs it could all disappear in an instant but I wont allow that to interfere with my happiness. It would be irrational for me to do that. I am going to live in the moment and enjoy things...

I do love my life with R. He does make me happy, even if I am not always able to tell him so out loud.

Gotta go, y'all.

Much luv,
Justin, the best gay stepmother EVER!!!

Day to Day

Things are going pretty good.

Nothing good or bad to report.

R and I are getting along good. Little spats here and there, you know normal couple "discussions."

Overall, my day to day life is good. Nothing to really complain about. My back has been hurting pretty bad lately, but I have come to expect it so it's not really newsworthy :(

L is still here, until tomorrow. Even though this has been a four day visit, it hasnt been bad at all.
I really do like the kid. He can be a bit hyper now and then but that's just a normal kid.

Things have been going good but there's still something bothering me. I cant quite put my finger on it though. I think I will feel more content once I get a job. I do want to go back to work but am also kind of hesitant about it too. I just hate the thought of me working and then coming home to all the housework too...bcs I know that's whats in store. R has said he will help me out once I am working but I dont really see him doing too much...especially not the laundry.


I am out of thing to say...for now.


Much luv,
Justin

Happy times :)

I am quite happy right now.

Things are going great between R and myself. I think we are finally past all the nonsense and have fallen into a comfortable and content relationship.

L has been here for a couple days and things are going great with that too. I think it's great that he chose to spend that last days of his Christmas break here with his dad and me. He is a good kid, I had no trouble at all yesterday with him ( he stayed home with me while R was working.)

I am happy and intend to do everything I can to stay that way.


Anyone happy for me?

Much luv,
Justin

Happy New Year

Well, it's officially 2008...and I do not have any good predictions for this year. I did have high hopes for it but you really never know.

I am beginning to think of New Year's Eve as just another day. A shitty one at that. I wont elaborate, just know that it prolly wont be any better than last year.

I almost hate the entire Holiday season.


I gotta go for now, I am so tired of bitching about shit on this blog that I wont be doing many posts unless I have something semi upbeat to say. I will be posting about things that happen but will try to keep the negative stuff to a minimum...of course it might be difficult considering the relationship I am currently in.


Justin 2008

A Lazy Sunday

Today is Sunday and even though we got up early, we are having a pretty lazy day :)

R got up this am and did some projects around the house ( finished putting away Christmas decs and ect...) and I vacuumed and unloaded the dishwasher. We both showered but also both put on pajamas afterwards. I just love lazy sit-around days like this. Sundays were made for just this...a day of rest. Like I said earlier, we did what absolutely needed to be done and are now hanging out and watching tv.

If you couldnt already tell...things are good between R and myself. I am sure there have been moments were each of us got on the others nerves a bit, but overall we are good together.

Not much else is new. I did go buy some new clothes with gift cards I received as Christmas gifts. I got a couple sweaters and a couple pairs of jeans too. I also still have about $25 left too.

Our dogs have continued to adjust nicely. I think they love it here. They should, they have it made. We take very good care of them and make sure they get plenty of attention.


All done for now,
Justin

It's been a while

Things are going pretty good for me right now.

Christmas was great. Spent the day with my family and watched the kids open all their presents.

Life with R is going pretty good right now. The Holidays were kinda rocky between us...but I wont go into it. Just know that everything is ok and we are still together. I do love him and hope that one day he will realize it without having to constantly ask me if I do. I am also hoping that we will settle into an honest, trusting, meaningful, and fun relationship. I firmly believe it will...

The dogs have adjusted nicely. I enjoy them most of the time. They are both a little needy and desperate for attention so I try to make sure to give them plenty. I do think they think they are my dogs. I spend the most time with them and are for the most part their care-taker. I think getting them was a good idea.

Other than that, not much else to report. My life is pretty much the same from day to day...and I am glad it is. I need a routine, even if it is housework and being a mother to two dogs. I always did want to be a housewife and mother and now I am...thanks to Rodney. I do love him and enjoy our life together, even if he is a horn dog! I suppose it's flattering that he is constantly pressuring me for sex. Seriously, it's everyday and sometimes more than once per day. I am trying to be more sexual and not just at night too. It's difficult bcs I am tired of always being a sex object for someone...even though R loves me, it's still the same thing.

Gotta go for now.

Much Luv,
Justin, feeling content

Things are back to normal...

Things have really changed with R and me in the last week.

We talked everything thru and are back on track now. We are settling back into a routine and hopefully we can be happy now.

I have not really posted much in the last week bcs I really wanted to think things thru before putting it all out there again. I have bitched and moaned so much about R on this blog and decided not to post again until things were better for me.

So many things have happened since my last post.

L ( my stepson ) was here for three days instead of the usual two. He and I spent the day together last Friday while R was at work. It went pretty good...not much to complain about. It's just kind-of weird for me bcs the kid is only nine but thinks/acts like he is much older. I dont want to encourage that behavior so it can be a bit awkward at times.

We also got two dogs. They are both males, brothers in fact, and are a year old. They are daucsands and are both cute and pretty well behaved.

I gotta go for now...hopefully this was the first of many good spirited posts.

Much luv
Justin

Why does everything have to be so hard???

I am hating life right now.

Things are not good between R and myself...big shock, right?

He is up to something and it's eating away at me bcs I dont know what it is. It's either drugs or he is cheating again. Or both. If he is doing drugs behind my back, then he is definitely cheating too.
I just wish he would come out and tell me what the hell is going on.

How does he possibly expect me to pick up the pieces and move on when there are more red flags and warning signs everyday?

He is either late coming home ( and doesnt call me but sends me text messages making me wonder where he is/why he couldnt call me ) or is up at very early or all night long too.

Like yesterday: when he came home from work he was very hyper, couldnt concentrate enough to form a sentence, was clenching his jaw, didnt eat dinner, and then was up most of the night too. Bottom line? He was high. Or at least it sure the hell seemed like it. If he is doing drugs, then he is def cheating while he is in town during the day. I think he got off work earlier than he said yesterday and was out getting high and then getting fucked by some stranger (again.)

Then today, he called and said he was on his way home and would be here in about 20 mins. Well, two hours later he sends a text saying he had to go back to work. Why would he wait so long to tell me? Why would he not call? Where the hell was he and what was he doing? It doesnt make sense...he is hiding something. I would over look most of these things but the being awake all night and saying all these weird things to me...almost the exact same things that he said after he cheated.

I hate that I am in this position, that I feel like I have to constantly be watching him. I wouldnt if he didnt give me a reason to...everyday.

Those two instances are only two of the many that have happened lately.

Maybe I am being too suspicious. Maybe things are exactly as he says they are. Or, maybe my gut feeling is right and he is making a fool out of me again.

Justin, single again.

Another day

It's Friday, which means I will be home alone all day, evening, and most of the night. R usually goes to his parents' house to pick up L on most Fridays. This one is his company Christmas party. I am not going, so I get to stay home alone. I didnt want to go and dont expect R to not go.
But still...I just hate it that I have to sit here alone on another Friday, the whole Friday. R says he wont be late, but the last party he went to he said he would be leaving by 7pm and it was more like 10pm, so I wont necessarily be waiting up.

Other than that, things are going alright between us. I keep dwelling on things he has said and done lately but am refusing to let them get to me. I know he is under a lot of stress and stuff at work so I am not trying to add to that. It would just be nice if I could get some attention from him besides him bitching about work, bitching about money, or crude sexual comments. I told him so over the phone today. I would like some "normal" conversation. I hated to bring it up, but enough is enough. I spend all day long alone so I need some human contact at night, that isnt all sexual.

Back to the money thing. It is a big issue between us. It's not an issue that is out loud though. He is always complaining about how broke he is but then always seems to have money anyway. I hate to think that him bitching about money is just so I wont ask him for any or anything. And I really think that is what the deal is...He thinks that by him saying he doesnt have any, then I wont ask for any/anything. The weird part is that I dont ask for him anything. In the three months we have been together he has bought me maybe three packs of cigarettes and just a few other little things...nothing major. Most everything I tell him is basic house stuff we would both use. Besides that, almost every time I do ask him for anything, he forgets. Which is really insulting. Five days ago, I asked him to bring home some Advil. I have a bad back ( for those who have been reading, you know it's really bad ) and was out of anything to take for it. So I asked R to bring something home. He didnt and I didnt bring it up bcs I was embarrassed for even asking, I definitely wasnt going to ask twice. So I called my Mom and asked her to get me some. So basically I have been suffering this week bcs my husband, who know I have a bad back forgot about me/didnt think about me one more time. I am telling you, everything else is a priority and I am just supposed to make due with what is left. I dont make an issue out of it though, bcs that's what a good "wife" does. I just hope things get better for us again soon.

In other news...my Mom is coming to visit tomorrow. She is bringing over the things I asked her to buy for me. You know, thing I would not ask R for...and some that I did and that wasnt important enough for him to remember. Anyway, this will be the first time they have seen each other since I told Mom that R cheated on me. It should be interesting. I dont really think she will bring it up or say anything to me, but R will be so uncomfortable wondering about it that it should be fun for me to watch. I know it's wrong of me to want to watch him squirm but he has put me thru yet another trying week...

Justin out

Lately...

Things have been ok between R and myself. Not great, not really even good, just ok. I am not saying things are bad, bcs they are not.

The last couple nights after dinner R has kind-of ignored me. Like last night, he was all into his new blackberry and tonight he's kinda in a bad mood.

It's become that he basically has nothing left for me after he gets home from work. He does make all kinds of sexual comments to me...bcs he is expecting sex later. We dont really spend quality time together so thankfully we are still having sex. It's like that's the only time we are really close or something...

His job has become more demanding lately. So he's either tired or in a bad mood when he gets home. I would think the half hour drive would give him plenty of time to think so he could be decent to be around once he's home. I feel like maybe I am being a little hard on him but I am a little pissed. He says over the phone when we talk during the day how much he misses me or wishes he could be here with me...but when he is here, he hardly acknowledges I am in the room. So, it's kind of hard for me to believe it when he says it...which makes me doubt other things he says.

Which brings me to the new blackberry. I have made up my mind that I am not going to be suspicious of it. He could very easily use it to arrange a hook-up but I must believe that he wont. I dont really think he would but really, you just never know.

I am sorry I have rambled on about my relationship with on another post. It's just that this is basically my only outlet to get it all out. I just hope things will work out for us. It seems that he can barely stand to be around me lately, except for sex anyway. Whenever I try to talk to him, he doesnt pay attention or changes the subject. He doesnt talk to me, except to bitch about work or complain about his life. Hopefully a time is coming when we will settle into a nice comfortable life together...without all this weirdness and distance between us.

Maybe I am just being to sensitive about everything...I just dont want to settle for a half-assed marriage when I know it can be great. I just dont know how to make it happen.

Justin done

Eh...

I am just kind-of here today. Not in a bad mood, not in a good mood...just here.

Last night went pretty good with R. We had dinner and then just hung out and watched some tv.
He was an hour late coming home but I wasnt really suspicious about it. It would really be helpful if he would call me ( instead of text me ) that he is going to be late. When I talk to him, I feel much better but when he texts me it makes me wonder where he is/what he is doing that he cant call me. I know that sounds silly but you never know. Then today he texts me that he is going to lunch with his boss...another example of "should have called instead of text." Some thing, I cant help but wonder why he couldnt call me.

I am doing much better these days with the suspicions and doubts. But it's pretty hard to do. It seems like each time I decide it's time, something happens that makes me change my mind. It's like everyday there's something that seems like a red flag. Like this morning, R wakes me up at like 6:30am. He has already showered, gotten himself ready, ironed his clothes...and was in the bathroom with the door shut on the computer. I tell you, it's extremely unsettling to wake up and find your unfaithful husband up and ready an hour early and in another room online. It's like he could be up trying to set up a "before work hook-up." R has told me that he has done that before...before we were together. Maybe if I didnt know all of his former bad habits, I wouldnt be so suspicious. I dont know, the whole situation this morning was weird for me. We argued a little bit and then made up before he left for work. Maybe sometimes, the situation is exactly as it seems, and there's nothing going on. I just help shake the feeling that there's something I am missing or something I dont know...I will just have to try to get over it.

I am hoping that R and I will settle back into some kind of routine. Like we had before I went to jail and he went to San Fran and cheated on me. We have been off balance ever since.

I have also got to get a job. I hate not working. I hate not making money to support myself. I have so many obstacles in my way before I can even look for a job. Pray for me everyone, I can use all the support I can get right now.

Until next time,
Justin...on the mend

What the hell is going on?

Yesterday I spent the entire day cleaning R's house. I did everything he asked me to do.
I cleaned the kitchen, including mopping the floors. I cleaned the bathroom. I did laundry then unloaded and reloaded the dishwasher. I vacuumed the entire 2200 sq ft. Then I made dinner.

I was in such a good mood when he got home. I figured he would notice all the cleaning, we would have a great dinner, then watch tv and have sex before we went to sleep.

None of that happened. When he got home he was in such a weird and distant mood. He smelled different ( he said he used someones hand lotion ) and didnt really talk to me all night long. He basically came home, ate, read the paper, then went right to sleep. It was so weird. When I asked him what was wrong, he said he had a rough day. Maybe he did, but he said "it's not what you think." Then later said "I will never cheat on you again." That was weird too. I wasnt really even thinking that...ok, I was a little. I was being rational though, how could he have cheated if he was at work having such a bad day? It was a red flag that he brought it up, twice.

I want to trust him and give him the benefit out the doubt but it's very hard for me. When he comes home acting strange, smelling different, and then making those comments...what am I supposed to think? All I know is, he better not be cheating again or else...

Then this am he wakes up early again. Just like yesterday. Why is he getting up so early? What the hell is he getting up to do? Something I wont see? Something he shouldnt be doing? All these red flags and warning signs are starting to add up...

Anyway, he wakes up at like 4:30am ( I was awake bcs I had just peed and couldnt stop thinking about this shit ) and he says a bunch of nice things to me. Like, he is sorry for his mood, sorry for the way he acted towards me, sorry for not noticing how clean the house is, sorry for falling asleep so early, sorry for a whole lot of shit. Which was nice, it did make things easier for me.
Except for he keeps making comments about me not working...even to the point of making jokes about pimping me out. I am definitely getting tired of his comments...but I can handle them.

I dont really think he is out cheating...I am a little bit suspicious but that's it.
I just hope he is telling the truth about everything. I am starting to suspect that he is doing drugs though. Maybe that's why he is getting up so early. I have suspected a couple of times now that he is on something but I cant tell for sure. I hope he is not...but I could handle drugs much better/easier than more cheating.

I am going to do more house cleaning today and then try to be in a good mood when he comes home. I just hope he is in a better mood than last night. If not, we will be in for another uncomfortable evening.

Wish me luck,
Justin