I am still with R. After 15 months of meth addiction. I have put up with so much...
an adam for adam profile
a grindr profile
evidence of craigslist hook-ups
so MANY lonely nights not knowing where he really was or who he was with or what he was doing
Yet I am still with him...I continue to believe in what he says...am I a fool? Why do I stay?????
Do I really love him that much or am I just that scared to try it on my own?
I am so miserable I must make a change in my life soon. I hate it the way it is...and I am saying this after our big blow up. I moved everything out but my clothes into a mini storage...this was after he ruined my 14 year hiv anniversary day. I came home early from an open house (it was a filthy mess and could not be shown) only to find my husband's meth, meth pipe, and ipod open to his grindr on the counter while he was in the shower. I bet everyone thinks I am a fool to still be here...I know I do. Sometimes anyway...
I lost my momentum somehow. I feel like I've lost myself sometimes...
Sunday, May 05, 2013
Friday, November 09, 2012
Updates...
First of all I am now a licensed real estate agent in the state of Oklahoma. It has taken 6 months and a couple thousand dollars to make it happen but I finally did it. I pursued a dream.I am still at subway for now but cant wait to quit.
Next I got a brand new car. 2012 Nissan Juke. I have been wanting one for a while and I actually made that happen too. I hated to trade in my tc but it was so small and uncomfortable to ride in. My back would hurt after only an hr behind the wheel.
Yet, I am fucking miserable. I hate my life here with R. He is lying cheating meth addict. He has pushed me so far that I pretty much cant stand to even look at him. He has been doing the drugs for months now and will not stop or get any help. I am powerless to do anything but watch. Except I might now be around much longer to watch it happen. Man I fucking hate this. And him. His lies and wild stories are so disrespectful and he blatantly disregards my feelings. Im getting so upset thinking about all this I have to stop typing...
Next I got a brand new car. 2012 Nissan Juke. I have been wanting one for a while and I actually made that happen too. I hated to trade in my tc but it was so small and uncomfortable to ride in. My back would hurt after only an hr behind the wheel.
Yet, I am fucking miserable. I hate my life here with R. He is lying cheating meth addict. He has pushed me so far that I pretty much cant stand to even look at him. He has been doing the drugs for months now and will not stop or get any help. I am powerless to do anything but watch. Except I might now be around much longer to watch it happen. Man I fucking hate this. And him. His lies and wild stories are so disrespectful and he blatantly disregards my feelings. Im getting so upset thinking about all this I have to stop typing...
Thursday, August 23, 2012
Wow...what a week
So, today is thursday and I still have one more day to go...
Monday was fucked up work. I arrived at 4:30 and due to mistakes and things not done, I was still not ready to open at 7...but I had to. The rest of the day was slow and dull until the end when I wanted to leave and we were slammed with school kids. Oh, how I detest those loud, messy kids...I bet they hate me.
Tuesday went by fast...nothing overly eventful.
Wednesday I was able to leave at 11am so I could study for my real estate exam...which I failed. I can retake it but had to pay another $60 to do so. I needed a 75 and got a 72. The things that were emphasized in the book and in class were not really on the test and the topics that were not really covered (like appraisal) were all thru the damn test. Plus I missed two of the damn math questions...I practiced those fuckers too! I brought my own damn calculator! Oh well...heres hoping I can pass the damn thing on the second try...
Today ( thurs. ) was hard. It started out ok but then when the kids got out all hell broke loose. Ryan and I literally had a constant line of kids for over an hr. It was busier than lunch...but occurred after I was supposed to leave. I was not the nicest this afternoon. I gotta stop acting like that...or I will get fired.
I hate that I failed the test...I knew I would since there was no practice test. I didnt know exactly what to expect or what I should study the hardest...I pretty much read the entire text book and all the study guide pages that I have...plus read over all the quizzes we took in class...
Things with R are going pretty good...all he talks about is getting a new car. Whatever kind he is looking at today...just like with the new furniture he has to consider all the options in a couple different price ranges. Will he get a new something for 30k or a used something that he got a good deal on...? Other than that things are ok...I hesitate saying something bcs each time I do...things go bad. I do love him...more than he will ever realize.
I realized something just now. I am a questioner. I constantly ask. Of others. Of myself. On this blog. There are so many things I wonder about...
What will become of my life from here? I never dreamed it would get this good...do I dare that it will get better? I sometimes cant believe how things turned out for me. About this time 5yrs ago I was staying in a gross basement apt with Kirk. Sleeping on his couch. Doing drugs with him and any other joe who came thru the door. I am so glad I got away from that...especially as quickly as I did. Although 10 weeks is a long time. My God, I cant believe I lived with him for 10 weeks. Thinking back, it seemed like each day drug on and on and on...unless we were doing drugs. Which was often in the beginning and then not really at all in the end. Meeting R that day changed my entire life. Sometimes I am so overcome with gratitude it hurts...but I never say anything out loud. I hold it in. I save it. I call upon it when I need it...when Im angry or hurt and need to remember...just now as I type I am pained on the inside. R is right across the room but might as well be in Egypt. He will never know how I feel. The effect of the words is not there...or he doesnt act like it.
Why does each paragraph beclome about R? What would I give for him to be as about me as I am about him...He probably would be if I would be as sexual as he wants...
I got a stiff neck and a sore throat. Im going to bed.
Justin, worn out.
Monday was fucked up work. I arrived at 4:30 and due to mistakes and things not done, I was still not ready to open at 7...but I had to. The rest of the day was slow and dull until the end when I wanted to leave and we were slammed with school kids. Oh, how I detest those loud, messy kids...I bet they hate me.
Tuesday went by fast...nothing overly eventful.
Wednesday I was able to leave at 11am so I could study for my real estate exam...which I failed. I can retake it but had to pay another $60 to do so. I needed a 75 and got a 72. The things that were emphasized in the book and in class were not really on the test and the topics that were not really covered (like appraisal) were all thru the damn test. Plus I missed two of the damn math questions...I practiced those fuckers too! I brought my own damn calculator! Oh well...heres hoping I can pass the damn thing on the second try...
Today ( thurs. ) was hard. It started out ok but then when the kids got out all hell broke loose. Ryan and I literally had a constant line of kids for over an hr. It was busier than lunch...but occurred after I was supposed to leave. I was not the nicest this afternoon. I gotta stop acting like that...or I will get fired.
I hate that I failed the test...I knew I would since there was no practice test. I didnt know exactly what to expect or what I should study the hardest...I pretty much read the entire text book and all the study guide pages that I have...plus read over all the quizzes we took in class...
Things with R are going pretty good...all he talks about is getting a new car. Whatever kind he is looking at today...just like with the new furniture he has to consider all the options in a couple different price ranges. Will he get a new something for 30k or a used something that he got a good deal on...? Other than that things are ok...I hesitate saying something bcs each time I do...things go bad. I do love him...more than he will ever realize.
I realized something just now. I am a questioner. I constantly ask. Of others. Of myself. On this blog. There are so many things I wonder about...
What will become of my life from here? I never dreamed it would get this good...do I dare that it will get better? I sometimes cant believe how things turned out for me. About this time 5yrs ago I was staying in a gross basement apt with Kirk. Sleeping on his couch. Doing drugs with him and any other joe who came thru the door. I am so glad I got away from that...especially as quickly as I did. Although 10 weeks is a long time. My God, I cant believe I lived with him for 10 weeks. Thinking back, it seemed like each day drug on and on and on...unless we were doing drugs. Which was often in the beginning and then not really at all in the end. Meeting R that day changed my entire life. Sometimes I am so overcome with gratitude it hurts...but I never say anything out loud. I hold it in. I save it. I call upon it when I need it...when Im angry or hurt and need to remember...just now as I type I am pained on the inside. R is right across the room but might as well be in Egypt. He will never know how I feel. The effect of the words is not there...or he doesnt act like it.
Why does each paragraph beclome about R? What would I give for him to be as about me as I am about him...He probably would be if I would be as sexual as he wants...
I got a stiff neck and a sore throat. Im going to bed.
Justin, worn out.
Sunday, August 19, 2012
good weekend
This weekend was actually pretty good...
No calls or interruptions from subway.
Date night sat and fun times on sun with Rodney...surprise. Things have gone pretty good for us this weekend. Not all happiness, sunshine, and rainbows but def an improvement.
I didnt have the best time last night but the bars in Tulsa are kinda dull. Plus, our friends kinda blew us off...we didnt care. We went to the eagle and then club 209, which I dont really care about, it was just something we dont usually do. It was kinda dead and even worse it was kareokee too. I hate that shit. Listening to drunk bitches belting out Call me Maybe or Summer Lovin from grease...ugh.
Anyway, overall it has been a pleasant weekend.
Justin, ok.
No calls or interruptions from subway.
Date night sat and fun times on sun with Rodney...surprise. Things have gone pretty good for us this weekend. Not all happiness, sunshine, and rainbows but def an improvement.
I didnt have the best time last night but the bars in Tulsa are kinda dull. Plus, our friends kinda blew us off...we didnt care. We went to the eagle and then club 209, which I dont really care about, it was just something we dont usually do. It was kinda dead and even worse it was kareokee too. I hate that shit. Listening to drunk bitches belting out Call me Maybe or Summer Lovin from grease...ugh.
Anyway, overall it has been a pleasant weekend.
Justin, ok.
Saturday, August 18, 2012
Life's a damn mess
Thankfully my mom went home from the hospital after just one night...
The rest of my life is still in the toilet....
Work sucks. I am not sure why I am so scared to let go and find another job. I do hate it tho. Only the paycheck and some of the kids who work for me make it worthwhile. How I do love those kids...some of them anyhow. Its great how some of them touch my life and I influence theirs... and the rest of them are just there for a paycheck only.
Work is hell. R has not eaten in two days. And barely slept any as well. Its so obvious...and he has so little respect for me that he simply does not care...I would give anything to get him off the drugs. I cant bring myself to just "walk away" right now. What would become of him? Why do I care? He doesnt...
The check engine light in my car come on this morning. Yeah, its 5 yrs old with only 57k miles...wtf. So, I took it to auto zone and they hooked it up to the machine for me. They say its a blown fuse or a loose wire somewhere...not something I can fix myself. Great. Just when things might possibly be looking up for me financially my care breaks down. So I made an appt with Earnie who fixed my Pt cruiser. It will be another 3 days b4 he can get to it and I cant drive it much either...So no looking at apts for me today. I dont wanna rent an apt here in Owasso but dont wanna drive back and forth from Tulsa either...God, what a mess.
I need to dig deep and find the strength to do what I know I gotta do. But Im scared.
The rest of my life is still in the toilet....
Work sucks. I am not sure why I am so scared to let go and find another job. I do hate it tho. Only the paycheck and some of the kids who work for me make it worthwhile. How I do love those kids...some of them anyhow. Its great how some of them touch my life and I influence theirs... and the rest of them are just there for a paycheck only.
Work is hell. R has not eaten in two days. And barely slept any as well. Its so obvious...and he has so little respect for me that he simply does not care...I would give anything to get him off the drugs. I cant bring myself to just "walk away" right now. What would become of him? Why do I care? He doesnt...
The check engine light in my car come on this morning. Yeah, its 5 yrs old with only 57k miles...wtf. So, I took it to auto zone and they hooked it up to the machine for me. They say its a blown fuse or a loose wire somewhere...not something I can fix myself. Great. Just when things might possibly be looking up for me financially my care breaks down. So I made an appt with Earnie who fixed my Pt cruiser. It will be another 3 days b4 he can get to it and I cant drive it much either...So no looking at apts for me today. I dont wanna rent an apt here in Owasso but dont wanna drive back and forth from Tulsa either...God, what a mess.
I need to dig deep and find the strength to do what I know I gotta do. But Im scared.
Monday, August 13, 2012
today...not a typical Monday
I did not have a typical Monday today...
First, work was not bad. Not even close to the usual hell that is my Monday morning at subway after being off on Sundays and my usual "polish" is missing... things are just out of sort and not how I like them...usually. Today the money and bread counts were both correct over the weekend and everything...
Then, my sister called to say my mom was going to the er for chest pains. She was admitted but so far they have not really found anything they can exactly pinpoint is the problem...at least not yet. they are still testing her and treating her as though she had a heart attack. Hopefully things will pan out and she can go home tomorrow...
Next, I saw Jesse. Jesse Ray Hall. My cousin who I was closer to than anyone else in my family for a long time. He and I shared many, many laughs and good times together...He was my best friend but he didnt know it. Maybe he did but quietly allowed it. He was always more like my brother... anyway, before today I had not seen or spoke to him in over 5yrs. I hope now he will forgive me and we can move on past it all...
It was a huge deal to me. I hope it was to him too. I hope he is curious about me and my life as I am of his. He has three children and I am stranger to them. All bcs of the things I did while I was on drugs...
Finally, I had an awkward conversation with rod about meth. he brought it up but was not prepared for how far I would take it and tried like always to end it. I pushed a little but have learned that is not the way to approach him... not that there really is a good way to approach him...
In conclusion, my day was definitely different. Glad its over. Hope tomorrow is better.
Justin, sleepy...
First, work was not bad. Not even close to the usual hell that is my Monday morning at subway after being off on Sundays and my usual "polish" is missing... things are just out of sort and not how I like them...usually. Today the money and bread counts were both correct over the weekend and everything...
Then, my sister called to say my mom was going to the er for chest pains. She was admitted but so far they have not really found anything they can exactly pinpoint is the problem...at least not yet. they are still testing her and treating her as though she had a heart attack. Hopefully things will pan out and she can go home tomorrow...
Next, I saw Jesse. Jesse Ray Hall. My cousin who I was closer to than anyone else in my family for a long time. He and I shared many, many laughs and good times together...He was my best friend but he didnt know it. Maybe he did but quietly allowed it. He was always more like my brother... anyway, before today I had not seen or spoke to him in over 5yrs. I hope now he will forgive me and we can move on past it all...
It was a huge deal to me. I hope it was to him too. I hope he is curious about me and my life as I am of his. He has three children and I am stranger to them. All bcs of the things I did while I was on drugs...
Finally, I had an awkward conversation with rod about meth. he brought it up but was not prepared for how far I would take it and tried like always to end it. I pushed a little but have learned that is not the way to approach him... not that there really is a good way to approach him...
In conclusion, my day was definitely different. Glad its over. Hope tomorrow is better.
Justin, sleepy...
Sunday, August 12, 2012
Here goes...
I am not sure why I am compelled to do a second post in one day...considering I have not done one in over a year...
I am troubled and have no one to turn to...at least thats how I feel. Mom and grams cant help me and are probably tired of listening to me complain about my marriage. My sister has her own family. I literally dont have any friends. R is the only one. And right now I wouldnt consider him a friend. We simply coexist in this house together but no longer have any real connection. Its dead. Maybe it really is my fault. Maybe I did drive him to the drugs. Why didnt I pay more attention to him? Or did I and he is just too needy or simply blaming it on me to ease his conscience. Who knows...
One thing is for sure. I am not happy. Definitely not happy at home. Or at work. And there is nothing else in my life.
I have tried to become a realtor. That has been a long and arduous process. I still dont have my license bcs of the stupid shit I did when I was younger. You know, trying to become a realtor is so typical of me...hoping and wanting something so bad that is really going to get me nowhere. I hope I really am not wasting my time with this and dont end up making any money. I really think I glamorized it in my mind...thinking I would be able to just get a license, quit subway, and be able to support myself selling houses. Yeah right. I guess I am just a hopeless dreamer. Will I ever get it right? Will I ever be happy? Dont I deserve to be happy?
From the ugly, unwanted child who was abused so terribly to a reckless and immature drug addict my life has seen its hard times so its not like I am not used to turmoil. Why cant I handle it now? Why cant I face it down? Where has all my strength and back bone gone? Why am I hiding from reality when its right in front of my face? Why am I so afraid to attempt life outside Rodney's house?
Why do I feel like such a failure? All I ever really wanted was a happy, stable relationship with someone who was really mine and just live a simple life. Where did I go wrong? Why cant I get anything right?
I miss my grandma. It stings like a hot knife in my gut to know I am the one who drove her away. She has always been the only one I could really count on and I ruined her life. I fucked her over. She has forgiven me but I will never forgive myself..for making her push me out and moving away. I need her right now. But she has a new life with new grandsons who need her more than my selfish ass. Maybe its childish to think my granms could swoop in and make it all better anyway. Man how I miss her. Seeing her everyday was something I took for granted and though would always be a given. Now its been over five yrs since Ive lived with her and all I have are a few memories thru my drug hazed mind...what a horrible feeling.
I am so lonely. I cant shake the thoughts of always being alone. I am alone most of the time...even tho I live with R. He is not home much and if he is he is usually working...I guess. He is on the computer so I assume he is working.
Which brings me to self doubt. I used to be more confident. Didnt I? Or was that an act?
Where did I go wrong? Where will life take me from here?
I am troubled and have no one to turn to...at least thats how I feel. Mom and grams cant help me and are probably tired of listening to me complain about my marriage. My sister has her own family. I literally dont have any friends. R is the only one. And right now I wouldnt consider him a friend. We simply coexist in this house together but no longer have any real connection. Its dead. Maybe it really is my fault. Maybe I did drive him to the drugs. Why didnt I pay more attention to him? Or did I and he is just too needy or simply blaming it on me to ease his conscience. Who knows...
One thing is for sure. I am not happy. Definitely not happy at home. Or at work. And there is nothing else in my life.
I have tried to become a realtor. That has been a long and arduous process. I still dont have my license bcs of the stupid shit I did when I was younger. You know, trying to become a realtor is so typical of me...hoping and wanting something so bad that is really going to get me nowhere. I hope I really am not wasting my time with this and dont end up making any money. I really think I glamorized it in my mind...thinking I would be able to just get a license, quit subway, and be able to support myself selling houses. Yeah right. I guess I am just a hopeless dreamer. Will I ever get it right? Will I ever be happy? Dont I deserve to be happy?
From the ugly, unwanted child who was abused so terribly to a reckless and immature drug addict my life has seen its hard times so its not like I am not used to turmoil. Why cant I handle it now? Why cant I face it down? Where has all my strength and back bone gone? Why am I hiding from reality when its right in front of my face? Why am I so afraid to attempt life outside Rodney's house?
Why do I feel like such a failure? All I ever really wanted was a happy, stable relationship with someone who was really mine and just live a simple life. Where did I go wrong? Why cant I get anything right?
I miss my grandma. It stings like a hot knife in my gut to know I am the one who drove her away. She has always been the only one I could really count on and I ruined her life. I fucked her over. She has forgiven me but I will never forgive myself..for making her push me out and moving away. I need her right now. But she has a new life with new grandsons who need her more than my selfish ass. Maybe its childish to think my granms could swoop in and make it all better anyway. Man how I miss her. Seeing her everyday was something I took for granted and though would always be a given. Now its been over five yrs since Ive lived with her and all I have are a few memories thru my drug hazed mind...what a horrible feeling.
I am so lonely. I cant shake the thoughts of always being alone. I am alone most of the time...even tho I live with R. He is not home much and if he is he is usually working...I guess. He is on the computer so I assume he is working.
Which brings me to self doubt. I used to be more confident. Didnt I? Or was that an act?
Where did I go wrong? Where will life take me from here?
Its been a while...
Things in my life are a mess right now...a hot mess.
My husband is addicted to meth. Its been going on for 7 months now and I have known for the last 3. This morning I found a meth pipe in my house. It was the 5th time I have found something yet R insists he has stopped doing it... This is fucking killing me and my relationship...
Work sucks too. I sooo fucking hate it. Yet I have no other choices right now...I make more $ than ever before yet dont really make enough to support myself living alone. I could do it, I suppose. But it would be very tough and take every cent I make...leaving nothing for anything extra. This frightens me...I see so many other people struggling and I have become so comfortable living here with R...not that I dont contribute.
I am so confused right now. I hate him doing the drugs behind my back but I find myself afraid to confront him again. He blames me for everything. Literally, everything. I dont see how everything, everytime can be my fault. According to him, he only started doing it bcs he has no confidence bcs I am always breaking him down...and he needs it to feel better about himself. He says our lack of sex life has pushed him away to the point where he no longer cares...and its obvious. I have tried and tried to rekindle something that was once there...did I wait too long? Or is he so drugged out that he doesnt realize whats happening.
I want to leave him but I am terrified. I do not want to move in with my mom. But I dont think I can make it on my own...I am so torn. Nothing in life is ever easy. I have learned that the hard way...a million times over.
Aside from the moving and all that entails...there is Cookie. What would happen to him without me here? Rodney ignores him. He speaks a few words to him but gives him absolutely no attention...I cant bear the thought of cookie living here without me...yet it would be impossible to take him with me.
Where will the strength come from? I need some guidance. And some answers...
My husband is addicted to meth. Its been going on for 7 months now and I have known for the last 3. This morning I found a meth pipe in my house. It was the 5th time I have found something yet R insists he has stopped doing it... This is fucking killing me and my relationship...
Work sucks too. I sooo fucking hate it. Yet I have no other choices right now...I make more $ than ever before yet dont really make enough to support myself living alone. I could do it, I suppose. But it would be very tough and take every cent I make...leaving nothing for anything extra. This frightens me...I see so many other people struggling and I have become so comfortable living here with R...not that I dont contribute.
I am so confused right now. I hate him doing the drugs behind my back but I find myself afraid to confront him again. He blames me for everything. Literally, everything. I dont see how everything, everytime can be my fault. According to him, he only started doing it bcs he has no confidence bcs I am always breaking him down...and he needs it to feel better about himself. He says our lack of sex life has pushed him away to the point where he no longer cares...and its obvious. I have tried and tried to rekindle something that was once there...did I wait too long? Or is he so drugged out that he doesnt realize whats happening.
I want to leave him but I am terrified. I do not want to move in with my mom. But I dont think I can make it on my own...I am so torn. Nothing in life is ever easy. I have learned that the hard way...a million times over.
Aside from the moving and all that entails...there is Cookie. What would happen to him without me here? Rodney ignores him. He speaks a few words to him but gives him absolutely no attention...I cant bear the thought of cookie living here without me...yet it would be impossible to take him with me.
Where will the strength come from? I need some guidance. And some answers...
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Cookie
In all the great things that have happened to me lately they have all been overshadowed by the weight of losing my dog Cookie. He has not passed away yet but he has received a grim diagnosis. He has a disc issue right in the center of his backbone. We are currently, and unsuccessfully treating him with steroids and pain meds but he is only getting worse. There is a surgical alternative but its almost 4000 dollars. I actually do have the money but it could be a waste as the surgery is not a guarantee.
This is so hard...it will be the fourth dog I have buried in five yrs. Whoever said losing a loved one is better than never loving at all obviously didnt have a dog.
The hardest part is that while I am many different things to many different people, I am the most important to Cookie. He is the only one in my life who doesnt put someone else before me and I will miss him terribly.
Justin, deeply saddened
This is so hard...it will be the fourth dog I have buried in five yrs. Whoever said losing a loved one is better than never loving at all obviously didnt have a dog.
The hardest part is that while I am many different things to many different people, I am the most important to Cookie. He is the only one in my life who doesnt put someone else before me and I will miss him terribly.
Justin, deeply saddened
Saturday, February 05, 2011
so far this year...
Well, I did get back together with R...as we all knew that i would. :)
Job is going great...I make $200 more a wk with the new owners. :)
New car is still great. :)
Family is all healthy and happy. :)
All in all I would say most things are pretty good.
longer posts to come...
Justin, content
Job is going great...I make $200 more a wk with the new owners. :)
New car is still great. :)
Family is all healthy and happy. :)
All in all I would say most things are pretty good.
longer posts to come...
Justin, content
Monday, November 08, 2010
another new beginning
Well, I am one month into my new single life. I finally left R...for the last time. I swore to myself that if I had to move out of his house one more time that I would never go back. So thats what I have done.
I dont hate my new life either. The luxuries of living with R were hard to give up but once all the shock of it passed things are not so bad. I did consider going back for a couple days but just couldnt do it this time. I pretty much hate him. Actually, I am just very angry...for taking my life and forcing me to change my life. I now kinda think he did me a favor. There are so many possibilities for me now...
I have promised M that I would move off to Ar with him but I am not 100% convinced its the right thing to do. Not sure why but I am a bit nervous about it...nervous to give up my life and move away. I am ready and know that I can do what I need to do to survive but damn, I have grown so comfortable in my life here that its tough for me. Mostly I am referring to my job here but my family is here too...not that I couldnt come visit them often.
And then theres my health care...although M gets much better care there than I do here...it is something for me to think about. Gosh, I just hate the unknown...bcs my imagination runs wild with all the different things that could happen...good and bad.
All in all life after R is not too bad. I just hope things stay this way...
Justin, nervous but excited too
I dont hate my new life either. The luxuries of living with R were hard to give up but once all the shock of it passed things are not so bad. I did consider going back for a couple days but just couldnt do it this time. I pretty much hate him. Actually, I am just very angry...for taking my life and forcing me to change my life. I now kinda think he did me a favor. There are so many possibilities for me now...
I have promised M that I would move off to Ar with him but I am not 100% convinced its the right thing to do. Not sure why but I am a bit nervous about it...nervous to give up my life and move away. I am ready and know that I can do what I need to do to survive but damn, I have grown so comfortable in my life here that its tough for me. Mostly I am referring to my job here but my family is here too...not that I couldnt come visit them often.
And then theres my health care...although M gets much better care there than I do here...it is something for me to think about. Gosh, I just hate the unknown...bcs my imagination runs wild with all the different things that could happen...good and bad.
All in all life after R is not too bad. I just hope things stay this way...
Justin, nervous but excited too
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
milestones
Today, Wed Sept 15th has turned out to be two different ( one unexpected ) milestones...
Today is my third yr anniversary with R. I am happy with him and hope to spend the rest of my life with him...but things are strained with us. We had a fight this morning on our special day. I dont know if I was being overly suspicious of him bcs of the past or if he really is up to something. He would never, ever be honest if I pressed the issue anyway...he never comes clean unless I have solid evidence in his face. He is actually a good liar, which is not a good quality in a husband...
There is so many positive aspects to focus on and so much to be thankful for that I am now refusing to waste any time or energy on unnecessary bullshit...
The surprise today was the money from my grandma Jewel arrived in my acct today. I received a little over 5k from her estate...not a large or life-changing amount but I am thankful. I loved her so and wish now that I had made more of an effort to see her more in recent years...I made no effort bcs she lived with my uncle John who I dont care for. None the less, I should have, would have...typical hindsight story, right? Anyhow, shes gone and no amount of money was worth attending her funeral and speaking about her in front of everyone...I cant say I miss her bcs I hadnt seen her in so long but I miss the kindness she showed me when I was young. I had some great adventures at her house and with her. Most of my childhood memories include her.
So, things are not bad right now...my life could be so much worse right now if I had never met Rodney and got off drugs. I have come so far in three years I cant imagine my life any different now. I feel like this is where I am supposed to be. Things just feel right...and so many reasons why: I have a whole new family with Rod that I love. Theres Luke, who I adore. We also have cookie who would die without his momma. So many other things to be thankful for: a beautiful home, and new car, and pretty good job that pays me enough to pay my bills and have some fun.
But, the most important factor is Rodney. He is my best friend, the one I turn to first, my lover, my everything and whole life. I have never been this close to another man and could never again. I love him and hope for many, many more years with him.
Justin, celebrating.
Today is my third yr anniversary with R. I am happy with him and hope to spend the rest of my life with him...but things are strained with us. We had a fight this morning on our special day. I dont know if I was being overly suspicious of him bcs of the past or if he really is up to something. He would never, ever be honest if I pressed the issue anyway...he never comes clean unless I have solid evidence in his face. He is actually a good liar, which is not a good quality in a husband...
There is so many positive aspects to focus on and so much to be thankful for that I am now refusing to waste any time or energy on unnecessary bullshit...
The surprise today was the money from my grandma Jewel arrived in my acct today. I received a little over 5k from her estate...not a large or life-changing amount but I am thankful. I loved her so and wish now that I had made more of an effort to see her more in recent years...I made no effort bcs she lived with my uncle John who I dont care for. None the less, I should have, would have...typical hindsight story, right? Anyhow, shes gone and no amount of money was worth attending her funeral and speaking about her in front of everyone...I cant say I miss her bcs I hadnt seen her in so long but I miss the kindness she showed me when I was young. I had some great adventures at her house and with her. Most of my childhood memories include her.
So, things are not bad right now...my life could be so much worse right now if I had never met Rodney and got off drugs. I have come so far in three years I cant imagine my life any different now. I feel like this is where I am supposed to be. Things just feel right...and so many reasons why: I have a whole new family with Rod that I love. Theres Luke, who I adore. We also have cookie who would die without his momma. So many other things to be thankful for: a beautiful home, and new car, and pretty good job that pays me enough to pay my bills and have some fun.
But, the most important factor is Rodney. He is my best friend, the one I turn to first, my lover, my everything and whole life. I have never been this close to another man and could never again. I love him and hope for many, many more years with him.
Justin, celebrating.
Sunday, August 22, 2010
Where do I start...
Well, I got a new car. A really nice car that I can be proud of this time. I sold my PT Cruiser on craigslist in an hr and used the money I made for a down payment on a 2007 Scion Tc with only 28k miles! My payment only went up $4 a month and my insurance $15...I can not believe how it all happened so easily and kind-of unexpectedly. I mean, I was wanting a new car but didnt think I would actually get one for a while...I freakin love it. Its def the newest nicest thing I have ever owned. It is charcoal grey with expensive custom wheels & 18 low profile tires, double sunroofs, a pounding built in sub-woofer in the truck, and everything else in between...did I mention I love it?
Next, I got my first ever credit card. I am almost 34 and am so grateful to be in the place I am in my life. It truly is the best time for me. I didnt even max it out...only spent a little over $80 at A&F...of course, where else? I have also recently bought several nice things for R...who still looks good after loosing weight on hcg...
Speaking of R...things are pretty good right now. Its almost our 3rd anniversary if you can believe it...it has been a real learning experience the entire time. I have never really lived with someone for any length of time that wasnt my family before him. I do love him and hope we stay together a long, long time...
My grandma Jewel who passed away last Oct. was gracious enough to set aside some money for her grandchildren...something my grandpa Joe did not do. Anyway, I recently was able to visit the home she lived in her final years with my aunt & uncle. I was lucky enough to bring home a pair of ceramic tigers (almost life sized), her rocking chair with ottoman, and her birdbath that was always in her front yard... I can remember being so young and splashing around and playing in it...it looks right at home in my backyard now...and I also brought home a wooden rocking/glider bench. Its white and looks great on our front porch. I loved my grandma Jewel and always thought she was an amazing woman who had a hard, yet fortunate life. She was always very kind and generous with me and there will always be fond memories of her in my heart. May she always rest in peace.
My job is going alright. I am worn the hell out every afternoon when I leave but who isnt tired after work? I hope to get a bonus raise after the first of the year and then will at least bring home over 20k a year...finally. I suddenly am finding myself at a place in my life where things are great and I am so grateful yet I still want more...more for myself. I want a better paying, less physical career ( career, not just a job ) and so many more things that I never ever thought of before...weird, huh? I suppose I finally have really matured. I am thinking about things like owning a home, (or at least being able to rent one of if I ever had to) and other things that most adults have and dont even give a second thought to.
I would say that as 2010 is over half over it has been a good year for me. I paid off a car loan and managed to get another, acquired a credit card in my own name with no help, have held my current job for nearly two years, have been in a relationship for nearly three, have so many nice beautiful clothes and things that I never thought I would, and so many, many other things that I will always be grateful for...
Justin, content but still eager to get more
Next, I got my first ever credit card. I am almost 34 and am so grateful to be in the place I am in my life. It truly is the best time for me. I didnt even max it out...only spent a little over $80 at A&F...of course, where else? I have also recently bought several nice things for R...who still looks good after loosing weight on hcg...
Speaking of R...things are pretty good right now. Its almost our 3rd anniversary if you can believe it...it has been a real learning experience the entire time. I have never really lived with someone for any length of time that wasnt my family before him. I do love him and hope we stay together a long, long time...
My grandma Jewel who passed away last Oct. was gracious enough to set aside some money for her grandchildren...something my grandpa Joe did not do. Anyway, I recently was able to visit the home she lived in her final years with my aunt & uncle. I was lucky enough to bring home a pair of ceramic tigers (almost life sized), her rocking chair with ottoman, and her birdbath that was always in her front yard... I can remember being so young and splashing around and playing in it...it looks right at home in my backyard now...and I also brought home a wooden rocking/glider bench. Its white and looks great on our front porch. I loved my grandma Jewel and always thought she was an amazing woman who had a hard, yet fortunate life. She was always very kind and generous with me and there will always be fond memories of her in my heart. May she always rest in peace.
My job is going alright. I am worn the hell out every afternoon when I leave but who isnt tired after work? I hope to get a bonus raise after the first of the year and then will at least bring home over 20k a year...finally. I suddenly am finding myself at a place in my life where things are great and I am so grateful yet I still want more...more for myself. I want a better paying, less physical career ( career, not just a job ) and so many more things that I never ever thought of before...weird, huh? I suppose I finally have really matured. I am thinking about things like owning a home, (or at least being able to rent one of if I ever had to) and other things that most adults have and dont even give a second thought to.
I would say that as 2010 is over half over it has been a good year for me. I paid off a car loan and managed to get another, acquired a credit card in my own name with no help, have held my current job for nearly two years, have been in a relationship for nearly three, have so many nice beautiful clothes and things that I never thought I would, and so many, many other things that I will always be grateful for...
Justin, content but still eager to get more
Monday, August 02, 2010
summer is almost over...
and I am kinda glad. I am over being hot and sweaty all the time. At work and at home...
Things are going pretty good for me lately...
Work is busy enough not to drag on but not overwhelmingly so...at least for now. I had to fire someone who I at one time considered to be a friend, but oh well better him than me. Other than that work is just fine.
Home is good too. Our vacation this year to Kansas City was great. We went to Worlds of Fun again and it was actually better the second time around...it was Luke's idea and we like to make him happy. Things are good with me and Rod...theres been a few hick-ups lately but nothing we cant get past. Our flowers and foliage has not done as well this year. Or, maybe its just our
opinion as we have such high expectations for everything. We are seriously going to revise our plan for next year so there is less watering for us. I was all gung-ho at the beginning of the summer but now its on my nerves.
Oh, did I mention I got a new car? Hell, yes I did. I sold my PT Cruiser on craigslist and made a little money. I loved that car but it was going to have some serious issues down the line and plus it really drank the gas with the air running. So, I got a 2007 Scion tc with only 28k miles. Its grey with the sunroof and spoiler I have always wanted on a car. It also has a nice bumping subwoofer in the truck too. I absolutely love it!!! My payment went up about $4 a month and my insurance only $12 a month...so it worked out great. Better than I hoped for actually. I cried when I sold the cruiser bcs it meant a lot to me but it was def time to let her go.
Things are going pretty good for me lately...
Work is busy enough not to drag on but not overwhelmingly so...at least for now. I had to fire someone who I at one time considered to be a friend, but oh well better him than me. Other than that work is just fine.
Home is good too. Our vacation this year to Kansas City was great. We went to Worlds of Fun again and it was actually better the second time around...it was Luke's idea and we like to make him happy. Things are good with me and Rod...theres been a few hick-ups lately but nothing we cant get past. Our flowers and foliage has not done as well this year. Or, maybe its just our
opinion as we have such high expectations for everything. We are seriously going to revise our plan for next year so there is less watering for us. I was all gung-ho at the beginning of the summer but now its on my nerves.
Oh, did I mention I got a new car? Hell, yes I did. I sold my PT Cruiser on craigslist and made a little money. I loved that car but it was going to have some serious issues down the line and plus it really drank the gas with the air running. So, I got a 2007 Scion tc with only 28k miles. Its grey with the sunroof and spoiler I have always wanted on a car. It also has a nice bumping subwoofer in the truck too. I absolutely love it!!! My payment went up about $4 a month and my insurance only $12 a month...so it worked out great. Better than I hoped for actually. I cried when I sold the cruiser bcs it meant a lot to me but it was def time to let her go.
Sunday, July 11, 2010
out of sorts again...
I have been feeling weird lately...and not sure why.
Work is still hell. Its me and a bunch of others who could care less. I work myself to death everyday trying to make it the best restaurant possible. I almost hate it now.
Home is not too bad...but has been better. R and I are getting along but not like we were. Perhaps its my fault. Perhaps its his...who can say. Perhaps its just circumstances that make things occasionally tense...all I know is that I keep having these weird vibes like i uses to...back when he was sneaking around. Maybe I am being crazy...or maybe I am right like all the other times. I figure if theres something being hidden it will come to light eventually...
My family is great. I wish I could see grams more often. I miss her so much. I still thank my lucky stars she still loves me after all the horrible things I did. I did get to see her this week. I took off a half day bcs her b-day was yesterday and I wanted to take her the gifts I got her. Mom and sister both doing well too...of course I hardly ever talk to either of them...perhaps I should make more of an effort...?
Well, thats it. Just me, being a baby again. I am hoping after typing this out I will feel better with a renewed perspective.
Justin, weird
Work is still hell. Its me and a bunch of others who could care less. I work myself to death everyday trying to make it the best restaurant possible. I almost hate it now.
Home is not too bad...but has been better. R and I are getting along but not like we were. Perhaps its my fault. Perhaps its his...who can say. Perhaps its just circumstances that make things occasionally tense...all I know is that I keep having these weird vibes like i uses to...back when he was sneaking around. Maybe I am being crazy...or maybe I am right like all the other times. I figure if theres something being hidden it will come to light eventually...
My family is great. I wish I could see grams more often. I miss her so much. I still thank my lucky stars she still loves me after all the horrible things I did. I did get to see her this week. I took off a half day bcs her b-day was yesterday and I wanted to take her the gifts I got her. Mom and sister both doing well too...of course I hardly ever talk to either of them...perhaps I should make more of an effort...?
Well, thats it. Just me, being a baby again. I am hoping after typing this out I will feel better with a renewed perspective.
Justin, weird
Monday, May 03, 2010
Man...
life sure is hard sometimes...
Work is killing me. Hate being there sometimes. I have to drag myself thru it everyday...
Home is not bad right now. R is still all over most of the time...but he has gotten better about being rational. I love him so...so thankful for him and our life together.
Why am I so lonely? Why do I feel like somethings missing...now? Whats wrong with me?
Life is hard enough to face...without regrets too.
Justin, sad.
Work is killing me. Hate being there sometimes. I have to drag myself thru it everyday...
Home is not bad right now. R is still all over most of the time...but he has gotten better about being rational. I love him so...so thankful for him and our life together.
Why am I so lonely? Why do I feel like somethings missing...now? Whats wrong with me?
Life is hard enough to face...without regrets too.
Justin, sad.
Monday, March 29, 2010
2010 so far...
has not been great but not completely terrible either.
Things between R and myself are pretty good. I hate that it took me moving completely out and staying gone for an entire week for him to realize some things...but better late than never I suppose. I am hoping we will fall back into a normal routine and life will regain some normality. I really hope that he stays true to his pledge of being different...cuz if he doesnt then I am gone. For good this time. I will not let myself get sucked back in again. I am still having difficulty believing I came back this time...I hope I am not a fool. Lord, please let this time be different for real is all I am saying...
Subway is pretty good too. Not great, but what do I expect, right? Not much more than I am getting now. I started breakfast at my store today...I hope it goes over decent enough not to eat away at my bonus but not so much that it heaps more onto my workload...cuz its full. Its real full for the 9.25 an hr I make running the joint. I remind myself daily that: I am my own boss who writes my own schedule, work mostly Mon-Fri during the day, get a great deal on my insurance, and my phone bill is paid too. The bonus has been a little disappointing so far but this time next year it should double. Should anyway...
I also have a new asst mgr. She is a lesbian that I actually get along with...well, most of the time. She is a big help on most things most days but like anyone else has an off day once in a while. Overall, I am glad to have her...and focus on the things she does for me and not on how she does them differently than I would...control is so hard to let go of, especially when your salary rides on so many things that so many people are into...
In other news: I bought a desk. I am sitting at it now. I am planning to buy a futon next. I am going to furnish this room in R's house with things I can use later if I have to leave him again. I am keeping the mini storage I rented for peace of mind too...I can be moved out and into storage in three car loads or less ( with what I have now. ) Of course, I cant exactly get everything I will need or it will seem obvious but I can get most everything. Things like towels and such I will not buy. I do already have glasses though. Back to the desk. I love it. Its black metal and glass and quite modern I think. I will have to consider it when planning future purchases...
All in all, things are decent for me. I am hoping to get my heiress check soon so I will have some money in the bank and pay off my car...which I only owe $2500 on! Its still running good too.
Well, thats it for now...
Justin, still here.
Things between R and myself are pretty good. I hate that it took me moving completely out and staying gone for an entire week for him to realize some things...but better late than never I suppose. I am hoping we will fall back into a normal routine and life will regain some normality. I really hope that he stays true to his pledge of being different...cuz if he doesnt then I am gone. For good this time. I will not let myself get sucked back in again. I am still having difficulty believing I came back this time...I hope I am not a fool. Lord, please let this time be different for real is all I am saying...
Subway is pretty good too. Not great, but what do I expect, right? Not much more than I am getting now. I started breakfast at my store today...I hope it goes over decent enough not to eat away at my bonus but not so much that it heaps more onto my workload...cuz its full. Its real full for the 9.25 an hr I make running the joint. I remind myself daily that: I am my own boss who writes my own schedule, work mostly Mon-Fri during the day, get a great deal on my insurance, and my phone bill is paid too. The bonus has been a little disappointing so far but this time next year it should double. Should anyway...
I also have a new asst mgr. She is a lesbian that I actually get along with...well, most of the time. She is a big help on most things most days but like anyone else has an off day once in a while. Overall, I am glad to have her...and focus on the things she does for me and not on how she does them differently than I would...control is so hard to let go of, especially when your salary rides on so many things that so many people are into...
In other news: I bought a desk. I am sitting at it now. I am planning to buy a futon next. I am going to furnish this room in R's house with things I can use later if I have to leave him again. I am keeping the mini storage I rented for peace of mind too...I can be moved out and into storage in three car loads or less ( with what I have now. ) Of course, I cant exactly get everything I will need or it will seem obvious but I can get most everything. Things like towels and such I will not buy. I do already have glasses though. Back to the desk. I love it. Its black metal and glass and quite modern I think. I will have to consider it when planning future purchases...
All in all, things are decent for me. I am hoping to get my heiress check soon so I will have some money in the bank and pay off my car...which I only owe $2500 on! Its still running good too.
Well, thats it for now...
Justin, still here.
Thursday, March 18, 2010
Well, here we go...
Going out of town this weekend for a much needed mini vacation. I was single last week ( more on that later ) and intend to go thru with my plans.
Things have been pretty fucked up for me lately. I dont really know where to start...
1. Moved completely out of R's house.
2. Moved in with mom.
3. Moved half my shit into a mini storage.
4. Moved back in with R...only halfway for now.
5. Been sick as hell all week long feeling tired and run-down. Sore throat and cough bad today.
I just hope getting away will relax me and leave me feeling energized enough to tackle my life and all its problems when I return...
I am feeling real confused and conflicted lately. I love R and want to be with him...yet also have so many hard feelings against him. I just dont know what to do...
Justin, confused
Things have been pretty fucked up for me lately. I dont really know where to start...
1. Moved completely out of R's house.
2. Moved in with mom.
3. Moved half my shit into a mini storage.
4. Moved back in with R...only halfway for now.
5. Been sick as hell all week long feeling tired and run-down. Sore throat and cough bad today.
I just hope getting away will relax me and leave me feeling energized enough to tackle my life and all its problems when I return...
I am feeling real confused and conflicted lately. I love R and want to be with him...yet also have so many hard feelings against him. I just dont know what to do...
Justin, confused
Saturday, January 23, 2010
so frustrated lately
So my post of 2010 is going to be a rant...
Work is killing me lately. I am so fucking tired of carrying the entire restaurant. I know I take too much on but it is my job. I simply can not change the way I am...hopefully things will get easier for me...oh, also I have a ton of online classes to complete for work too. Ugh.
Home is not so great either...R and I are fighting. He has hurt me once again. I am not claiming innocence in it but I am not the one going online and making things worse...its hard to make ammends with someone you are angry with, u know. I just wish things would even out and we could just be a normal, happy couple. I want some affection...not just sexual advances. I need someone who is mine, and only mine...not trying to go out on me every chance he gets.
Thats about it. Work blows and home sucks.
Justin, spun out.
Work is killing me lately. I am so fucking tired of carrying the entire restaurant. I know I take too much on but it is my job. I simply can not change the way I am...hopefully things will get easier for me...oh, also I have a ton of online classes to complete for work too. Ugh.
Home is not so great either...R and I are fighting. He has hurt me once again. I am not claiming innocence in it but I am not the one going online and making things worse...its hard to make ammends with someone you are angry with, u know. I just wish things would even out and we could just be a normal, happy couple. I want some affection...not just sexual advances. I need someone who is mine, and only mine...not trying to go out on me every chance he gets.
Thats about it. Work blows and home sucks.
Justin, spun out.
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
2009 recap
Well, while I did not do many posts this last year it does not mean there was not a lot going on for me...oh, Lord, where to begin...
First of all, my job is pretty good. It could be much worse...much, much worse. The only bad thing is that I dont make enough money to live on my own. I cant believe I would have to work two jobs just to support myself. Well, it does look like it is coming to that too.
Yep, you guessed it. R and I had it out big time today. I am so sick and tired of coming on here just to bitch about him. I have no one else to talk to about him. My family is out bcs I have been dumb enough to stay with him and could not risk them not liking him...for obvious reasons. Same deal with my friends...not that I have any. I am so alone. Trapped in an distrusting and empty marriage and have alienated everyone else except my family for said marriage. I now hate R so much I cant stand it. It is Christmas in a couple days and this shit happens. I had a feeling it would. It is kinda weird how this happened this time. I ignored feelings and vibes ( unaccounted for time for R and a strange number in his phone that I didnt call ) only to be smacked in the face with it. I logged onto his laptop and opened mozilla firefox and it told me there was too many tabs open and something, something and gave me the option to restore the previous session, which I did. What opened really hit me hard: his yahoo email, manhunt, and the casual encounters page on craigslist. Those three tabs together is not a coincidence either. There is no believable reason for it. R said he doesnt have to justify himself to me ( hello, we are in a relationship here! ) and insisted that he had done nothing wrong. I do not believe this shit for a second bcs he would rather die than admit anything to me.
So now, what to do? Should I stay with him and hope he is telling the truth? Should I leave him and start a horrible life living with my mother in a one bedroom apt? Unless I stay with R until I get my heiress check, I have no other options right now. It eats me to the core that this keeps happening and I have to overlook it just to have a place to live. Well, I guess I really dont have to, but choose to. Why do I choose to? Why dont I want to leave him? Maybe I am not as strong as I thought...or maybe I am just scared.
I was so looking forward to the holidays this year. He ruins everything for me. He ruined Thanksgiving, and always starts something with me when we are going to see my family. Literally, each time we are on our way to my moms he starts some shit. I fucking hate him. I fucking hate him so fucking much. I have been so on edge lately with these weird feelings eating at me...and now I know why.
I hope my leaving him will change him for the better...as a wake up call and that he does not get back on drugs and let himself go. I want good things for him...even if they dont include me.
Fuck, I am tired of sitting here swallowed up in emotion. I am numb from all the cecil but still...
My life was so good. And now its over.
Justin, so overloaded I cant think of an adjective to end my post like I always do...damn it.
First of all, my job is pretty good. It could be much worse...much, much worse. The only bad thing is that I dont make enough money to live on my own. I cant believe I would have to work two jobs just to support myself. Well, it does look like it is coming to that too.
Yep, you guessed it. R and I had it out big time today. I am so sick and tired of coming on here just to bitch about him. I have no one else to talk to about him. My family is out bcs I have been dumb enough to stay with him and could not risk them not liking him...for obvious reasons. Same deal with my friends...not that I have any. I am so alone. Trapped in an distrusting and empty marriage and have alienated everyone else except my family for said marriage. I now hate R so much I cant stand it. It is Christmas in a couple days and this shit happens. I had a feeling it would. It is kinda weird how this happened this time. I ignored feelings and vibes ( unaccounted for time for R and a strange number in his phone that I didnt call ) only to be smacked in the face with it. I logged onto his laptop and opened mozilla firefox and it told me there was too many tabs open and something, something and gave me the option to restore the previous session, which I did. What opened really hit me hard: his yahoo email, manhunt, and the casual encounters page on craigslist. Those three tabs together is not a coincidence either. There is no believable reason for it. R said he doesnt have to justify himself to me ( hello, we are in a relationship here! ) and insisted that he had done nothing wrong. I do not believe this shit for a second bcs he would rather die than admit anything to me.
So now, what to do? Should I stay with him and hope he is telling the truth? Should I leave him and start a horrible life living with my mother in a one bedroom apt? Unless I stay with R until I get my heiress check, I have no other options right now. It eats me to the core that this keeps happening and I have to overlook it just to have a place to live. Well, I guess I really dont have to, but choose to. Why do I choose to? Why dont I want to leave him? Maybe I am not as strong as I thought...or maybe I am just scared.
I was so looking forward to the holidays this year. He ruins everything for me. He ruined Thanksgiving, and always starts something with me when we are going to see my family. Literally, each time we are on our way to my moms he starts some shit. I fucking hate him. I fucking hate him so fucking much. I have been so on edge lately with these weird feelings eating at me...and now I know why.
I hope my leaving him will change him for the better...as a wake up call and that he does not get back on drugs and let himself go. I want good things for him...even if they dont include me.
Fuck, I am tired of sitting here swallowed up in emotion. I am numb from all the cecil but still...
My life was so good. And now its over.
Justin, so overloaded I cant think of an adjective to end my post like I always do...damn it.
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