Brighter days ahead...?

Things are kinda looking up for me lately...but just kind-of.

R and I have buried the hatchet for now. We ( as usual ) swept most of our issues under the rug. I dont really mind this bcs not much ever gets resolved anyway.

I love him very much and would like nothing more than to be with him...but sometimes it is so hard to look past my frustration to see anything else. I cant talk to him about much anymore, which makes things even more difficult for me.

We are so much alike but so different at the same time. We are both very moody, stubborn, and emotional...but our personalities are different. Our upbringing and life experiences also play a factor in our differences too. I just completely lost my train of thought and my desire to write any further....

much luv to those still reading and I promise there will be more ( positive and non-depressing ) posts coming in the future...it seems like I have been making that same promise for months now and no one wants it to come true more than myself.

Justin, out

Something is just not right...

I am still unhappy. I just cant seem to shake it. I still cant put my finger on the cause of this unhappiness either...

I am still keeping my five year old niece. It is actually going quite well. I enjoy her so much, I cant even begin to describe it. Knowing she is coming is my reason for getting out of bed everyday...
Today I also had her brother, who is ten. We had such a good time today. We played a lot...
I cooked them breakfast and lunch, we rode our bikes to the park and played then rode back home, then played outside and they rode bikes some more...the day went by so fast but I really enjoyed having them both...

But, at the same time...I was also in a pissed off mood. I didnt show it to the kids at all. I was irritated bcs I dropped my phone in the toilet. Of course it is not working now and I have to get a new one. This will not be too difficult as I have the insurance plan...there will be a fifty dollar co-pay but it beats not having a phone at all.

That's about it for now. I was kinda pissy so I thought I better come type out some frustration as I really dont have anyone to vent to...now that M ( from Ar ) and I still have not talked. Not talked at all for a couple months now...but that is a story for a different day.

Much Luv,
Justin...not miserable but close to it

Lately

I am still unhappy.

I am still trapped in a relationship that...well I just dont know what to say about my relationship right now. R and I fight all the time. It is almost a daily thing for us now....

I just cant shake the feeling that things will never change or get better. I am torn on what I should do...I dont want to just walk away but I dont want to be unhappy either. Hmm...

I am still watching my five year old niece everday. It is not bad, but she does get on my nerves some times. It is not her fault, she is just a regular kid so I dont say anything to her or let her know about it. I just smile and try to make it thru the days. She really is a good kid, I am just not used to having one around all the time. I am gettting there tho. It is hard for me to set aside my bad mood when R and I have a fight, he leaves, and then my niece gets here twenty mins later....not much time to readjust a bad mood, right? I have had some fun with her here too. We color and watch tv or play games and go outside. It is nice to have someone here with me...I just wish I could stop fighting with R in the mornings before she gets here...so I could really enjoy my days with her.

Ok, I suppose I have bitched enough for one post but cant promise the next one wont be the same....all tho I hope it is. I do hope to have some more fun and lighthearted posts with good news some day...

Justin, still hating his life.

meh...

Things have not changed much since my last post. I am not completely unhappy or miserable but things could be much, much better...

R and I had a couple big fights over the weekend. He thinks I dont want him and push him away constantly. I feel like I have to bcs if I show any interest or give the slightest indication of being turned on, he will try to take things further. I know he is highly sexual and has a much higher sex drive than I do but there has to be some sort of resolution. When something happens between us, instead of talking to me, he walks away and makes up his mind about what the problem is...which is usually far from reality. Once he has made up his mind, he will not listen to anything I have to say...there is no reasoning with him or changing his mind. He completely convinces himself that what he thinks ( his opinion ) is what is actually happening and it is forever before we talk and work things out. By then, we are both frustrated and with hurt feelings. Believe me, it sucks. I am hoping things will work out soon...before we both get tired of putting up with the other...

In other news: my babysitting my niece is going well. I enjoy the time I spend with her.

R and I have managed to plant a ton of flowers and jazz up our back patio in between fights and arguments. It looks so cute and inviting...I plan to enjoy it a lot before it gets too hot outside. I sure hope that my flowers make it and continue to flourish all summer long. There has already been a few casualties, which I expected. However, most are doing well. I have Geraniums ) orange, red, fucshia, and soft pink ) , wave Petunias ( pink and purple ), Marigolds ( yellow, red and orange ) and some multi colored plume Celosias. I also plan to get an Asparagus fern. Plus we are going to line the back fence line with red and pink Knockout Roses too. Maybe not this summer, but definitely next are back yard will be so full and lush...someplace you just want to be.

Until next time,
Justin...getting better???

Unhappy times...

Well, as you can see from the title of this post, things are not going very well for me lately.

Most of it has to do with R...of course. I am not saying it is all his fault but things are not good between us anymore. We bicker and fight almost everyday. I am so unhappy but completely powerless to do or change anything about it. I find it so hard to talk to him. And nothing ever gets solved, fixed, or really even talked about most of the time. It is a tough situation.

On the other hand, I am now watching my five year old niece full time. And will be doing so for the entire summer. And I will also have her brother who is ten part of the time too. I am so looking forward to doing this and spending so much time with them. I would go as far as to say this is the best thing going for me right now. I am not making very much money but the time I am spending with the kids is priceless...and my sister has done a lot for me so I am happy to return the favor. I am so thankful to still be a part of my family again I just dont have the words to describe it.

Well, I just cant force myself to go into the details of the problems with R right now...so I will continue to keep it all to myself and hope that I dont go crazy...

Justin, miserable again

Things are looking up...

I received some very good news this week.

I get to start babysitting my five year old niece. And sometimes I will have her brother too who is ten...they are my sister's kids. My grandma used to watch them but she recently moved back to Kansas...so now I will get to spend time with the kids but also be making money too.

That's right, I have a job. A job that I work the same hours as R, I dont even have to leave the house so I dont have to worry about transportation, I will still be able to do all my housework and cooking, and like I said before, spending time with my niece and nephew. I am very excited about this. The kids are very easy to watch. Kiah, was here five hours the other day and it went by very fast. She likes to play X box, watch tv, and run & play with the dogs in the backyard.

I wont be making a ton of money but a little something is better than nothing at all.

In other news...R and I are doing just fine. We are getting along pretty good these days. We bicker a little here and there, but that's normal. Doesnt every couple do it? We dont fight or argue, we simply express ourselves to each other. R does seem to expect a lot from me lately...he has been very moody. It wears me down quickly but I do my best to be supportive and not too bitchy. Over all, I would say I am happy and content...especially now that I have a job with some purpose. Being a nanny is hard but rewarding work and I think I am up for it...especially since the kids I will be watching are my family.

Justin, happy for now.
ps...expect updates more frequently

Weird

I have been feeling very weird lately. I cant seem to calm down and relax.,.which is weird for me bcs I have always been a pretty laid back kinda guy. I am not sure why I am feeling so unsettled lately.

Perhaps it is bcs I am so bored...I love being a housewife but often find myself looking for projects. I can only clean the house so much in a day and afterwards I am usually fidgeting and looking around for something to do. I would like to paint some rooms in the house but I think R wants to be involved in all that...

Speaking of R, things are going fine with us. Not great but not bad either. I think we both want different things and have different ideas about what a relationship is and what we each want out of it...I want intimacy and closeness and R wants a sex slave who never questions him. We do get along pretty good most of the time. Neither of us wants to be without the other so we just make the most of out things...I have learned to keep my opinions, feelings, thoughts, and ideas to myself unless asked. R usually interupts me when I talk and never takes any suggestions I have on anything. Everything is his way on his terms ( except sex and that is all I have ) and I dont let it bother me. Or at least I try...

I really do need to get my shit together and get a job soon. R has supported me for a long time now and he is starting to resent it. I really dont think he realizes just how hard I work here at the house...my entire life here is devoted to cleaning up after him and taking care of him. I do it gladly bcs he does support us but I do wish he would realize and appreciate it some times.
I just cant stand the thought of having to work a job ( that I will ride a bike to ) and then come home and do all the house work too. R is not organized neat or tidy and I am. I can not stand a messy cluttered house and R does not give it a second thought so I am sure I will continue to be the one who picks up around here.

Well, I am done bitching now. I didnt intend for this to be a rant but when I sit down to type what is on my mind, I never know what might come out...

Justin, unsettled but hopeful

Killing time

here in a hotel room in Chickasha, Ok. We are at one of Lukes baseball tournaments. It is easier to stay in a hotel than to drive all the way home just to come right back in the am...

Things are going pretty good lately. Nothing to exciting for sure. Day to day life with big daddy has settled down some and we have established a routine. Things are not perfect, but what is? I am happy and content living with my husband. There are issues from time to time but nothing we dont resolve within hours. We are both stubborn and def both want our way, which causes us to butt heads...

Other than that, there is really not much to share. Oh, I did find an old friend on facebook and have been chatting with her a lot lately.

until next time,
Justin

Brownie 3-5-08

Yesterday morning my precious dachshund Brownie was attacked by our neighbor's great dane. He died shortly after while I was holding him in the vet's office. We could have tried the surgery but the vet was not optimistic about it. It would have been a long and painful recovery even if he made it thru the surgery. There just wasnt much we could do except sit there holding him so he would not die alone. He died with his momma and hope he knows how much I loved him. He was the sweetest little guy and Cookie and I both miss him terribly.

We fixed the fence so this will never happen again. As soon as we left the vet's office without our dog R went into Home Depot and came out with supplies to fix the fence...we thought the holes were covered. They looked that way from our side but the people on the other side had placed a tire in one of the holes to patch it. Of course their huge dogs can move a tire. My poor little guy didnt stand a chance against them.

I went last night and got a new dog. I got him mostly for Cookie, who has never been alone. He and Brownie were from the same litter and never separated. It broke him heart to see him searching and looking out the back door for his brother. So far Cookie wont accept the new dog...but I am hoping with time he will. The new dog is a mini dachshund. He looks just like Cookie except only half his size. He has some issues peeing in the house...he likes to hike his leg and pee to mark his territory a lot. I can break him of that shit but if Cookie doesnt accept him, he will have to go. I just hope it all works out.

Other than that, things are ok. R and I are getting along. I think the loss of our dog yesterday brought us closer. It's sad that something like that happened but at least we had each other.

Justin, missing his special boy Brownie.

Almost Perfect

Things are going great for me lately.

Today is my six month anniversary with R. Our relationship is not perfect but it's not horrible either. I do love him and have enjoyed most of the time we have spent together. We both have to put in effort, which I think, makes us both appreciate it more. I hope we make it another six months, six years, ect...

M and I have been fighting lately. He hates R but only bcs he takes me attention away from him. In the 12 yrs M and I have been friends I have never before put a guy over him. And it's not that I put R over him. It's that I live with R, he's my husband not just a boyfriend that will be gone in 3 weeks. M expects me to drop everything and be able to talk to him whenever he wants me to. He has no concept that I might be doing something. I dont get angry or give him grief when I call him and he is busy. I just wish he would understand...

I am going shopping and spend the day with my Mom and Grandma this Saturday. I am so excited that I just cant stand waiting until then. I have not seen Grams since Christmas, two months. It will be just the three of us and I know we will have a great time.

I joined Facebook a while back and then forgot about it. Then, I had a couple of my friends find me on there and request to be friends. I accepted and have been checking it daily now. Well, I searched for an old friend of mine...and found her. It's Erin Ward, or now Albertson. She and I were friends before I met M. She was my M before he came along. She and I lived together for a while and everything. We had so much fun together. Before I met her I was so shy and timid and she showed me that being outspoken and standing up for yourself is ok. Being around her and kind-of adopting her personality gave me the courage to come out of the closet. See, she was very important to me. Even though it's been so long since we talked or saw each other, I still consider her one of the best friends I have ever had and love her dearly. She is so full of energy, laughter, and adventure it is hard not be love life and be happy when you are around her. We used to drive up and down this curvy steep road taking turns standing out of the sunroof while the other drove!!! We were so young and crazy but had so many good times together...

Well, I guess that's it. I hardly ever have any news to post and now I had a ton in one day!!!

Check back y'all, you just never know what might happen...

Justin, happy

Lately...

Things are ok.

R and I have been having quite a few ( little ) issues lately. But, have worked them out and seem to be doing ok now. We'll see if it lasts or not...

M came for a visit. It was quite a surprise. It was another good, lighthearted and fun visit. R didnt really mind but was a little pissed when he stayed two nights instead of one. Everything went fine though.

L ( the step son ) was here this past weekend too. It was interesting having L and M here the same night. Our weekend with L was kinda weird this time. I wont go into details, but do hope things look up soon...I think L is having a hard time with his Dad being. Well, being gay and having a live-in gay lover...

Overall, everything is fine. I am still feeling a bit unsettled but hope to get things under control soon. I hope to have a job within the next couple months too...

Much Luv,
Justin

Catching up

R and I have been back from our trip for a couple days now...life is back to normal.

We had a great time. My visit with M was awesome and R's work thing went well too, I guess.

We came back a day early and at first I was bummed but it was nice to be back home. R worked on Friday and I caught up the laundry and such. Yesterday we spent the day together. We shopped around and got new blinds for the dining and living rooms. Not cheap mini blinds but fancy ones...they have really wide slats and are white wood. We also got new area rugs for the living room. They are much better than the floral ones that were in there. Basically we changed the look of two rooms, and since they are adjoined, now they look for cohesive with matching blinds and such.

Then we went out to dinner but ended up coming after bcs my back was hurting. We hung out here last night and didnt really do anything special...

I had a great time on the trip but now I am looking forward to getting my life back on track. I need to get a job so I can buy a car too. Hopefully this will all happen soon...


Until next time,
Justin

Hanging in Little Rock

I am sitting here in the hotel room in Ar with M.
R is at work right now but we will be joining him for dinner later.

M and I spent the morning shopping. We hit a couple malls and had some lunch. It was such a nice time...just being out of the house and out & about.

I hope the dogs are ok at R's parents' house...I am sure they are wondering what the hell is going on and why they are being couped up in a barn. Oh well, I will be home to rescue them soon enough.

Things are going great so far on the trip. M and I are having a blast.

Gotta go for now, more details when I get home...

Justin in Ar

So excited

R and I leave tomorrow for our trip!!!

I have been looking forward to this for two weeks and cant believe it's tomorrow!

I think we are going to have so much fun. I will have a ball during the day with M and then enjoy time with my husband in the evenings. I dont know how many days we will be gone but it's looking like at least four.

Details when I get back...

Justin

So unsure

I dont know what is wrong with me lately.
I just cant seem to think straight.
I am constantly suspicious of everything.

I dont know if I am content with my relationship with R or not. I am going crazy thinking he is constantly up to something. Will I ever be able to trust him again? If I cant, how can I possible stay with him? Why is this so fucking hard? I know without a doubt that I do love R. He makes me very happy most of the time. But then, there's the rest of the time...which is horrible. We fight all the time. Mostly over stuff that seems stupid. Part of me thinks I am right, that he's a lying, cheating, scheming monster. The other part of me thinks I am being overly paranoid, that there's a logical, reasonable explanation to everything. Is there? Or, am I allowing him to convince me of his lies bcs I am afraid of what will happen to me if I have to leave him? I am so confused. I just want to be settled and happy somewhere...whether it's here or not.

Justin out

A great weekend

M ended up coming for a visit after all...

We had such a great time. He and R got along great, even better than I had hoped for...

They didnt get here until about 6pm on Sat, so we almost immediately got ready and went into town. We bar-hopped all night long! It was so much fun. This was the best and most fun visit M and I have had in a long time.

R and I are going to stay in Ar next week ( for R's work ) and I just hope the two of them get along just as good then.


Gotta go for now,
Justin

Goodbye Misery

I am feeling much better today. About everything.

My illness is gone. It's amazing to me how one day I am feeling awful and have a fever and then the next I am just fine.

R and I have also patched things up. We discussed everything and love each other so much that we really had no choice but to work things out.

M is on his way here for a visit. I hope like hell that everything goes well...meaning that he and R will get along. Not only get along but like each other. I am also hoping that teasing and making fun of me is not their common ground...but if it is, I will be happy to play along to keep the peace. They are both very important to me so I am hoping that everything will work out and I will not be put in the middle of them.

In other news, my Mom just came by. She and step-dad were in town having lunch so she brought my W2 and some new contact lenses to me. Her dad is an eye dr so I have always gotten my lenses for free, which has always been greatly appreciated.

Well, that's about it for now. Things have turned around for me in the last twenty four hrs and I could not be more pleased about it.

Much Luv,
Justin

So fucking miserable...

but this time it's not all R's fault.

I have been very ill for the last three days. High fever and intense stomach problems. It has not been pleasant.

There worse part about it has been feeling completely alone with no one to care for me. R says he does but it's very hard to see right now.

Things have been strained between us ( again. )

I recently found out that he did cheat on me with more than one person. He is now admitting to two. I know there's more and more to the story. I dont see how he thinks we can ever have a good relationship if he cant be completely honest with me. It is tearing me apart thinking that he could not only do something like that but then continuously lie about it. Why wont he just tell me so we can get past it? I was completely honest about me chatting with that guy with him. And all I did was chat via internet...there was never an in-person meeting. He was extremely bothered by it so you would think he would come clean.

He wanted to have a threeway last week. With the guy from here he cheated on me with. It got way out of hand but thankfully nothing happened. We would not be together right now if anything had. He chatted with guys online in front of me too. The worse part of that was that he was only trying to set something up for just him, not both of us...I am so fucking heartbroken again I dont know if I can carry on. I am so worried we will not be able to make this work. I have cried all day wondering...
We were fighting about our almost threesome and I walked out of the room. Only to come back in to find him online again. I left the room again and then came back to find him still online. He was in there chatting with guys instead of trying to patch things up with me. That hurts so fucking bad I cant stand it. I saw some emails between him and another guy and cant help but wonder if R ever did hook up with him...

Why does everyone I love hurt me?


I love him so much, but dont know if it will work out.
Justin the miserable.

Here I am...

Nothing has really changed much lately, so I have not really been doing many posts.

Things are great between R and myself. There have been a few bumps in the road but our relationship is stronger than ever. I hope stay together for a long, long time.

Even though I am perfectly happy spending my days here being a housewife, I am starting to get bored. I cant wait until I can get a job. Hopefully something easy, not too physical, and pays decent. I have such low expectations, I should have no problem finding something.

M is supposed to come visit us this weekend. I have not mentioned it to R yet. Things change so much with M that I dont want to bring it up until I know M is coming for sure. I did say to R last night that M was wanting to come visit soon, I just didnt say how soon...

If M's visit goes well I will definitely convince both R and M that M moving here is a good idea. Then I will have no problem getting driven back and forth to a job until I can afford to buy a car.
I am thinking that if I can get them to like each other it might even be fun living with the two of the them. M is so unhappy living with his family. They treat him like shit and he continues to let them run all over him. I can only imagine what it must be like living with your two aunts who are at least 13 years older than you...you know, they treat like a child.

Well, I dont really have much else to talk about right now....my life is almost exactly the same from day to day. I dont mind it that much. But I am really kind-of looking forward to a change.

Until next time,
Justin

Weekend Recap

I had a fantastic weekend with my husband...so on with the recap.

Friday R decided he wanted to go out to dinner. After we drove around Tulsa for about an hour trying to decide on a place that wasnt too busy, we went to Ruby Tuesday. It was good and I am sure we will eat there again.

Saturday we spent the day messing around. We went to lunch and then into Tulsa. We went to a couple of furniture stores and then some thrift stores but didnt buy anything. We hung out and enjoyed each other's company. We then spent the evening hanging out at home drinking wine and making dinner together. Dinner was great, we had steak with pasta and wine. Then watched some tv and continued hanging out.

Today, Sunday we have hung out at home doing stuff that needed to be done. Like hanging pictures and touching up some spots on the wall with paint. We moved around some furniture and changed a few things in the bedroom and dining room. I do appreciate that R has made an effort to use some of my ideas so this feels like our house and not just his. I think the place looks great now. In the next couple of years we will get new furniture for the bedroom and living room and completely re=do both rooms...but for now it looks great with what we have to work with.


So, here it is Sunday early evening...we just finished up an early dinner of turkey with mashed potatoes and gravy and are now just hanging out.

L will be here this coming weekend and now that R knows exactly how I feel ( about L sleeping in our room while I sleep elsewhere ) I am anticipating a fun weekend. Yesterday was L's birthday so this coming visit will be his b-day with dad. We are going bowling and then who-knows-what else...like I said before, it should be a fun weekend.


Until next time...
Much Luv,
Justin, content